Claire opened the door just enough to peek out. An emotion he couldn’t name darkened her tear-filled eyes. It almost looked like sadness, but that made no sense. Smile wobbling at the edges, she reached for the phone.
He restrained an instinctive grimace. She’d probably wiped her hand, but a few streaks of blood still clung. Having babies was clearly a messy business.
“Good. Because my first-aid certificate is zero prep for this. Just one moment.” This to the dispatcher, not him. Claire switched her focus to the boy he held. “Jacob, congratulations. You have a little brother.”
“Can I see him now? And Mommy?” Jacob bounced in his arms, clearly anxious to get down and see his new sibling.
“Not yet, Peanut.” He couldn’t see Maddie, but her shaky voice mingled joy, triumph, and exhaustion. “I’ll bring him out soon so you can meet him. Stay with Ryan for now.”
“Okay.” The boy’s lower lip quivered, but he didn’t argue.
“Can I do anything to help?” Ryan had no idea what to do, but there must be something. On TV, they always boiled water.
Claire nodded. “Grab me a load more towels and some washcloths from the linen closet. And Maddie’s hospital bag from the main bedroom. Oh, and a clean pair of rubber gloves from the store. I’ll holler if I need anything else.”
No boiling water. It appeared a bit too late for the gloves, but he wouldn’t ask.
“Sure.” He lowered Jacob to the floor. “Let’s go, L’il’un. How about you fetch Mommy’s bag, and I get the rest?”
Jacob happily scurried off to get the bag while Ryan grabbed the linens and an unopened pair of dishwashing gloves he found in the closet. Claire didn’t open the door much wider than before. Just wide enough to take the bag and the clean towels.
“Thanks.” She loosed a long breath and sagged against the doorframe. Fatigue and stress turned down her lips and shadowed her eyes.
Concern for her twisted in his chest, and he rested his fingers on her hand, the one clutching the bundle of towels against her. “Is everything okay? What else can I do to help you?”
Instantly she straightened, pasted on a bright smile, and shook her head, giving her hand a little flick to shake off his light touch. She’d told him to go away as clear as speaking the words. “No problems here. Mother and baby are fine. The dispatcher talked me through what to do and what to watch for while we wait for the ambulance. You just keep Jacob entertained.”
Claire hadn’t said she was fine, and she looked anything but. He’d never seen her so wilted, so worn. None of the adrenaline-fueled excitement he expected from her after safely delivering her best friend’s baby.
Something else bothered her.
He’d have to back off for now. This wasn’t the time or the place to push the point. Maybe once everything was settled here, she’d let him walk her home. Then he could ask again.
“Sure. I can do that.” He hoped his smile came across less faked than Claire’s had. “Jacob and I can play a few more rounds of Animal Snap. Or we can make a Christmas card for the new baby.”
“Cookies and milk usually help, too.” Again, he couldn’t see her, but Maddie sounded far stronger this time.
Jacob grinned. “I want it all, Mommy. Cookies and the game and making a card. And to say hello to my brother.”
“We both need to have a wash. Then we’ll bring him out to meet you. You might even get to see him before Daddy does.” Laughter echoed in her words.
“Yay!” Jacob jumped and clapped his hands.
“Maddie, do you want me to phone Brad and see where he is?” Driving two hours from Spokane in the snow, then getting here only to turn around and drive an hour to the hospital would surely be the last thing the new father would want.
“Not yet.” She chuckled. “I’d rather surprise him, the way this baby surprised me. He should be home any minute.”
Claire raised an eyebrow, nodded toward the kitchen, and jiggled the bathroom door. Obviously impatient for them to go.
“How about we let your mom have her wash, L’il’un.” He nudged Jacob. “You’ll want to have that card ready to give your brother when you first see him, right?”
One day, maybe he’d be a proud father waiting to see his wife and his newborn child. And prickly and difficult as she could sometimes be, he wanted that wife to be Claire.
Two cookies, a large glass of milk, two noisy games of Animal Snap, and a Christmas card complete with a brightly crayoned nativity scene and a laboriously lettered greeting later, the bathroom door opened. Maddie, wearing yoga pants and a T-shirt, emerged, trailed by Claire carrying the new baby.
Phew. No nightclothes, and no blood. Mom and baby both glowed pink and shiny. His gaze skipped over them to Claire. Claire, unlike mom and baby, appeared pale and exhausted.
Though she cradled the baby carefully, everything about her drooped, even her usually bouncy braid. Wet patches on her jeans and sweatshirt suggested she’d dabbed at stains.
His brow furrowed. So she’d hate knowing his concerns. Still, he couldn’t help worrying about her. Something had to be wrong when the new mom looked in way better shape than the person who’d assisted at the birth.
No mistaking the moment Claire noticed him staring at her, trying to figure what the problem was. Her head raised and tilted to one side as she assumed a tight and far-too-clearly faked smile. Challenge filled her eyes, daring him to ask.
Much as he wanted to, he’d learned enough wisdom to wait.
Jacob jumped up and rushed to Maddie and Claire, bouncing in excitement. “Mommy, Mommy, let me hold my brother!”
“Whoa there.” Maddie smiled. “Sit on the sofa first. I’ll sit beside you. Then you can hold him. We have to be very careful with brand-new babies. They aren’t as tough as big boys like you.”
He raced to the sofa and sat up straight, arms outstretched.
Claire scrunched up her face. “The ambulance dispatcher said to lie down.”
“I don’t need to go to bed. I feel fine. Sitting in here for a bit won’t hurt. Then Peanut can meet his new brother properly.”
Shrugging, Claire followed her to the sofa and laid the baby in her arms. Maddie gazed at her baby, love glowing in her eyes, before carefully nestling him in Jacob’s lap. “His name is Nathaniel.” Tenderness softened her smile. “Your daddy and I decided on that. It means God’s gift. And he’s a wonderful gift.”
“He sure is.” The baby didn’t cry but lay quietly, indigo eyes wide open. “A brother. Wowee. This is the bestest Christmas present ever, Mommy.”
Claire hurried into the kitchen and, by the sound of it, fired up the coffeemaker. Behind him, so without making it too obvious he was turning to look, he couldn’t see her, only hear her. “I’ll just set some coffee brewing. I know I could do with some.” Her cheerful tone rang as false as her smile. Something was really bothering her.
Despite his concern for Claire, Ryan grinned at the cute scene. He barely resisted the temptation to turn and check her reaction. The hiss of the coffeemaker behind him offered the only suggestion she was even in the room. But no one could see this and not feel awe and joy.
After a minute, Jacob frowned at his brother. “So, does he do anything more than this? When will he walk and talk? You know, play with me?”
“Sorry, Peanut. That takes a little longer. Like, next Christmas? To start off, all babies do is cry, eat, and sleep. You were the same at his age.”
“Awww. That’s no fun.” Jacob pouted.
Maddie laughed. “Sorry to disappoint you.” As if on cue, the baby whimpered, turning his head side to side as if searching for something.
“He’s ready to eat again, I think. Time to feed him.” She lifted the baby from Jacob’s arms and reached for the hem of her oversized T-shirt.
Before he got an eyeful of anything he shouldn’t, Ryan hurried to push his chair back from the kitchen table and swiveled, so his back was to the sofa. At last, an excuse to look at Claire. He’d turned quick enoug
h she couldn’t pretend.
All her attention focused on Maddie and the baby, she showed no sign of registering his gaze. This time, he recognized the emotion darkening her eyes. A raw, desperate need. Like someone wandering in the desert would stare at fresh clear water, or someone starving at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Claire wanted a baby, a family of her own. Longed for it.
While he ached to see her pain, it also gave him unexpected hope. For all her talk of not wanting to get married, he couldn’t imagine her as the sort of woman who’d think she didn’t need a husband for the baby-making part.
Could it finally be time to risk revealing how he felt about her? And if he did, would her response be his bestest Christmas present ever, too?
Chapter 11
Today ranked as the second-worst day of Claire’s life. And she would not let Maddie’s delivery force her into thinking about the worst one. As soon as either Brad or the ambulance arrived, she’d make her getaway.
In the meantime, since Maddie now lay in bed with Jacob, baby Nathaniel tucked between them, cleanup duty might be a teensy bit less triggering than watching Maddie nurse the baby again.
A very teensy bit.
The knock on the bathroom door she guessed must be Ryan came as a welcome relief. Someone she could snip and snark at without worrying he’d take offense.
She opened the door just wide enough to peek out and talk to him but slim enough to stop him from seeing in. No doubting his masculinity, but she had no way to know if he was one of those guys who fainted at the sight of a little blood. There’d been one in her prenatal class, a real macho man. Passed out at the first birthing video.
“There’s not anything much I can do in there since I’ve washed up.” He gestured toward the big open-plan kitchen and living room. “How can I help here?”
“Are you sure you’re ready for this? It’s a bigger cleanup than rinsing out the coffee cups.” No need to hide her uncertainty. The man really was unoffendable.
His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, but he nodded. “If having babies is messier than I thought, even more reason to help out.”
Somehow switching off her emotional response, she surveyed the room again. “It’s not too messy. Of course, I can’t know how messy you expected.”
She swung the door all the way open.
Ryan stood his ground. “Just tell me where to start.”
Her usual practicality kicked in. “We’ll need a pair of rubber gloves for you, a couple of rolls of paper towels, a scrubbing brush, some cleaning spray, and a bunch of trash bags. Don’t bother asking Maddie about the stuff. Just grab it from the store. She can bill me for it later.”
Chuckling, he headed for the stairs.
His help made all the difference. Not that she’d ever tell him so. Or why. Joking and snarking with him kept the memories at bay. In way less time than she’d expected, they had the bathroom sparkling again.
Nothing here to trigger her now.
And perfect timing, Brad pulled up outside the store as they dumped the last trash bag in the store’s big trash bin. She raised a finger to her lips and winked. Hopefully, Ryan would guess to say nothing. Much as she’d love to see Brad’s reaction, the new parents didn’t need an audience when he found out.
She and Ryan ambled back into the building as if nothing unusual had happened.
Brad bounded in, victory punching as he did. “Made it! Home on Christmas Eve, just as I hoped. Hi, Claire, Ryan. I didn’t expect to see you here. Where’s Maddie?”
“Upstairs with Jacob.” Ryan played along exactly right. “We’ve helped out here while you were away. How’s your dad?”
“Home from the hospital today, with wife number six. He’ll need to make some major lifestyle changes, but his doctors say there shouldn’t be much permanent damage to his heart.” Brad smiled. “One of those wake-up calls God gives us now and then. Thankfully, Dad’s paying attention.”
“Good news.” Ryan clapped him on the shoulder.
“Well, we should get going since you’re back. We’re all done here.” She hugged Brad. “Merry Christmas.”
Minutes later, bundled up in their cold-weather gear, she and Ryan stood together on the store’s wide porch, giggling like conspirators once Brad locked the door behind them.
A loud whoop from upstairs sent them into fresh laughter.
“We didn’t get to see Brad’s reaction, but I think we just heard it.” Ryan grinned.
Nodding, she stepped out into the icy night.
A few inches of snow, fallen since she arrived at the store hours earlier, carpeted the street. Not too much to walk in. The clouds had moved on, leaving a bright clear sky. The mountains formed dark shadows against a blaze of stars.
Ryan stared up at them and smiled. “Don’t you think the stars would have shone like this on the first Christmas Eve? ‘Peace on the earth, goodwill to all, from heaven’s all-gracious King.’”
Recognizing the quote from the carol Cee Cee Schaefer sang solo so beautifully on Wednesday night, “It Came Upon A Midnight Clear”, Claire rolled her eyes. Since the accident, God hadn’t felt as all-gracious as she used to think. “Sorry, I’m more interested in getting home than hearing the angels sing.”
“Ever-practical Claire.” He laughed. Then his face stilled, grew intent and serious. “Mind if I walk with you?”
Something in his gaze made her rush to look away. She shrugged. “Can’t stop you. We’ll be walking almost the same route, no matter what I say.”
Not for anything would she tell him how glad she was for his company. While she’d joked with Ryan, all those memories she wanted to avoid receded. Though that sounded very like becoming dependent on someone else again. The last thing she needed.
He took her hand before they’d walked far. Somehow, even through their thick gloves, the contact felt warm and real. She shivered, knowing she should pull her hand away.
She should, but she didn’t.
“Let’s get you home, to your cat and your fire.” His voice flowed over her, mellow and sweet as hot chocolate. She could get used to this.
And there was the trouble.
“Yes. Mrs. Mehitabel will be wondering where I am.” Stomping the snow as if she could stomp down her unwanted feelings, she set off along Main Street.
They walked in silence for a few minutes. Then he stopped, outside the Gregorys’ house, strung with Christmas lights. Ryan’s grip tightened on hers, and she glanced at him, surprised. He grasped her other hand.
“Claire, I don’t know how to pretty up what I want to ask you, the way some other men would. So I’m just going to ask you straight. Would you consider dating me, with a view to something more serious? I love you.”
Pain as strong as labor pains engulfed her, clenching her tummy. As if everything else today wasn’t enough, now she had to deal with this. The man she loved — okay, she admitted it — as good as asking her to marry him. Asking her to be the mother of his babies.
Not right now, of course, but in the future. His “something more serious” had to mean marriage and family.
If only he knew how much she wanted that. And how impossible it was.
Breathing deep and fast, emotion tightening her chest, she pulled her hands away from his and looked away. Breathe through the pain.
So all those prenatal classes came in handy for something.
When her feelings were buried again, deep enough for her to be sure the truth wouldn’t show on her face, deep enough she could be sure of doing the right thing by saying no, she lowered her hands.
Snark. The safe response, especially with Ryan. She longed to be gentle but didn’t dare risk it. Her resolve would be too easily shaken.
“You don’t love me. You simply want a family, and that needs a wife. We’re the only two singles the right age here. Propinquity. That’s all it is.”
It wasn’t a defensive lie. How could he really love her? She’d hardly given him much encouragement.
> His lips twisted. “You can’t know how I feel. If that’s all it was, me falling for whatever single girl happened to be available, wouldn’t I have fallen for Sam Rose when she first moved here this summer? I didn’t.”
Rose… Did he have to say Rose? Couldn’t he have called her Novak since Sam was married now?
Claire shook her head, her heavy braid whipping from side to side, almost smacking him in the face. Serve him right if it had.
Why did he need to go stirring things up even more by telling her this now? Today of all days.
She had to cure him of whatever he felt for her, or living here would become unbearable. Bring on the man-repellent. “That proves nothing.”
“It proves plenty. I want you, Claire, only you. You’re the only woman I want to start a family with.” In the glow of the Christmas lights, his face shone with sincerity.
Anger heated her cheeks. With him, for falling in love with her. With herself, for not being able to give him what he most wanted. And with God, for letting all this happen in the first place.
Ryan must not guess how her crazy heart had jumped at his declaration of love, how joy flooded her for a blissful instant. Until he went and mentioned the f-word.
Family.
The one thing she couldn’t give him.
Though she died inside, she managed an almost-convincing snort and grabbed for the next convenient excuse to turn him down.
“So I’m supposed to believe you love me now, when this time last year the only woman you had eyes for was Maddie? I may as well not have existed, for all the notice you took of me.” Her voice, supposed to emerge strong, confident, and one-hundred-percent off-putting, held a betraying touch of wobbles. “Well?” she demanded, achieving nearer the right tone this time. “Explain that away, if you can.”
Ryan flushed, looked down, and shuffled his feet. “Well… uh…I…” A long breath escaped him, steaming in the icy air. “Look, I was stupid. I had a thing for Maddie before she left to get married. So when she came back single, I kinda slipped back into that. She was the only single woman near my age in town, after all.”
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