by K. A. Linde
The drive to Sutton’s was full of people who acted as if they’d never seen water fall out of the sky. That meant I was constantly weaving in and out of traffic while everyone else drove like morons. In New York, I’d never had a car or even driven anywhere, and I’d still been a better driver than this shit.
Luckily, it was only a fifteen-minute drive, I picked up a pizza, and then I was parked outside of Sutton’s house. I was excited about today. Letting me back into Jason’s life was a big step for her. And I was ready for it. I adored her son. It’d been surprisingly difficult to be locked out of his life, considering I’d babysat him for the last year before Sutton and I even started dating.
I rushed across the flooded sidewalk, and my shoes squelched as they filled with water. I knocked on the door, shaking the water out of my hair, and hoping the pizza was okay as I waited for Sutton to answer.
But there was no reply.
I knocked again.
Still nothing.
Is no one home? She’d told me to come over after work when Linda was gone. Is Linda still there? Did I need to come back?
I pulled out my phone to text her right when the front door popped open. And there stood Sutton. Still in her work clothes with puffy, red eyes.
“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
She sniffled and shook her head.
“Okay. Let me come in and dry off, so I can hug you.”
She opened the door wider, put her finger to her lips, and gestured to the living room. I stepped inside and saw what she was referring to. Jason was passed out on the couch.
“I don’t think he got a nap with Linda. He fell asleep right away when we were lying down,” she whispered.
I nodded and deposited the pizza on the table in the entranceway. I was careful to be as quiet as possible as I emptied my shoes of water and hung my suit jacket on the coat rack. She gestured to the bedroom, and I followed her, leaving Jason to take his nap.
“So, what happened?”
Sutton sighed and sank onto the bed. “I accidentally told Linda who you were when she was on a rampage about me dating.”
“Okay…”
“And she’d heard of your parents.”
“Pretty much everyone has.”
“Well, she kind of flipped her shit. She was already upset about me leaving two weekends in the last month. And I guess she’s pissed that I have a nanny.”
“You work full-time.”
“I know,” she whispered. “But I guess that’s not good enough for her. I think she wants to watch him full-time, and she was upset that I hadn’t asked her, but she never said anything. So, now, I’m left with her anger.”
“Okay, that seems like it’s all on her though.”
“Yeah. It is. But…she accused me of not putting Jason’s interests first. Then, she said you were dangerous.”
“Dangerous?” This didn’t sound good.
“A criminal. Or whatever.”
“I am not a criminal,” I said in disgust. “Why the hell would she say that about me? She doesn’t even know me. We’ve never even met.”
“Yeah. I know. I told her you weren’t. But then she just freaked out. She threatened to take Jason away from me.”
“She did what?”
I didn’t think that she could have surprised me more if she’d punched me in the face. Linda must have been completely out of her mind. How could she threaten something that outrageous?
Sutton wiped at her tears again. “God, I was so strong when she was here, and now, I’m such a mess. She said she’d take me to court. When she said it, something in me combusted, and I told her I didn’t want her in Jason’s life if she was going to threaten me.”
“Good. That’s the nicest thing you could have said to her.”
I reached out to try to comfort her, but she ripped away from me and stalked across the room.
“No, that’s awful. I can’t believe I told her I didn’t want her in his life.”
“Sutton, she threatened you and your son.”
“I know, but we should have been able to figure this out. She just reacted, and we should have been calm and acted like adults and talked it over. I want her in Jason’s life. She and Ray are the last parts of Maverick that Jason has.”
“You did everything right here. You gave her every opportunity to be a part of his life. But you can’t let her walk all over you.”
Sutton paced the room. I could see the machinations of her mind going in a million different directions. “This never would have happened if I hadn’t gone to New York.”
“Are you hearing yourself?” I asked in dismay. “This is not because you took one weekend off. This has been brewing since the one-year anniversary. They’re grieving.”
“I’m grieving!” she shouted at me.
I held my hands up and took a step back. “I know. I understand that. But he was their son.”
“He was my husband,” she countered.
“I know,” I said soothingly. “But I really don’t know why you’re even listening to a thing that she said.”
“Because what if she’s right?”
“Right about what? You’re not a bad mom. You don’t neglect your son. You’re not dating a criminal. She’s trying to get a rise out of you, and you’re giving it to her.”
“She’s not just trying to get a rise out of me. She adamantly believes what she’s saying. And maybe, if I stopped for a minute and considered it, I’d see where she was coming from.”
“Why? Why do you have to see where she’s coming from? You’re happy. We’re happy. Why won’t you let yourself be happy?”
“Because he’s gone!” she cried. “He’s gone, and I’m here. And, sometimes, nothing about that makes sense.”
“That’s survivor’s guilt talking. It’s okay to feel that way, but that’s not reality. We just had an amazing weekend. That’s where you are right now, and Linda is manipulating you to feel bad about that.”
“No one is manipulating me. I know exactly how I feel.”
“And how do you feel, Sutton? Because, from where I’m standing, I feel like we’re in the same damn place we started.”
“I don’t know. I don’t know. This all just happened. And I don’t know.”
“You don’t know,” I said, monotone.
I shook my head in disbelief. I couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth. After New York, after I’d laid everything out for her, told her things no one else knew, groveled…after everything, she still didn’t know what we were doing here. She was still letting other people and fear dictate her own emotions. I knew this part of the grieving process, yet it felt insane that we were standing here, in this moment, when things had been utterly perfect only a few short days ago.
“What do you want me to say?”
“It doesn’t matter what I want you to say,” I told her. “Do you still want to be with me?”
“That’s not it at all, David,” she said. “Of course I want to be with you. I just think I should take other people’s feelings about this into consideration.”
“You want to take other people’s feelings into consideration about how you should feel and who you should date? That makes no sense. What that sounds like is that you don’t really want this. That you can’t actually make up your mind one way or another, so you’re using Linda and probably Austin to justify it.”
“No, that’s not it,” she murmured.
“I want this. I told you about my parents and my biological parents. I confided in you about Holli because I thought you’d understand where I was coming from. I even had you meet my sister and then my mom. I’ve never put myself out there like this before. Not with anyone.”
“I know; I know. This is about Jason.”
“I think this is about you.”
She ran a shaky hand back through her hair. “Maybe it is about me.”
“I’m all in, Sut,” I told her, “but, fuck, are you?”
She didn’t ans
wer me right away, and that seemed like answer enough. I clenched my jaw and nodded.
“Okay,” I said. “Okay. Why don’t you think on that and get back to me? I don’t think I can grovel any more than I already have to get you to see where I’m at with you. This is what I want. I put it all on the line. If that’s not what you want, then…I don’t know what else I can do.”
I turned and walked out of her bedroom. I heard a sob escape her, and it took everything in me not to turn around and comfort her. Because I wanted nothing more than to make her happy. To make my butterfly spread her wings. But I couldn’t prostrate myself before her any more than I already had.
I loved her.
She was the only person I’d ever wanted.
But she needed to make that choice. She needed to be the one to decide if this was what she really wanted. It would kill me if she decided that, in the end, she didn’t want this, too. But I couldn’t have the tug-of-war. Not anymore. Not after New York.
I snatched my jacket off the hook, glanced once more over my shoulder, and then carefully left the house and the love of my life behind.
Nineteen
David
I wasn’t thinking straight as I barreled out of Sutton’s house. I didn’t have a plan. I had no idea where to go or what to do. On some level, I’d understood when Sutton said that she wanted to work things out with Linda because I had that same feeling right now. Except I wouldn’t back down when she couldn’t even tell me if this was what she really wanted.
I rushed out through the pouring rain, even more pissed that it hadn’t seemed to slow down an inch. In fact, it seemed to be coming down harder. I dashed across the lawn and dropped into the front seat of my Ferrari. Revving the engine, I gunned it out of there.
What I needed was a drink. Or twenty.
I couldn’t even fathom how that had happened.
Here I’d been, the fool, rushing over, excited to finally hang out with Sutton and Jason again.
And bam!
Hit by a two-by-four.
There was only one person in town who I could think to talk to about this. And, in that moment, I hated that my boss and closest friend was Sutton’s older sister. Because I knew that whatever I said would get back to her in some form or another. Morgan cared too much about both of us not to interfere. And it wasn’t like I could call up any of her brothers. They all seemed prime to punch my lights out if I ever hurt Sutton again.
So…par for the course.
With a grunt of frustration, I flicked the windshield wipers higher, shifted gears, and pulled out my cell phone to dial Morgan’s number. She answered on the second ring, and I put it onto the Bluetooth.
“Miss me already?” she joked. “Didn’t you just leave the office?”
“Yes, Sutton had a meltdown because Maverick’s mother threatened to take Jason away from her.”
Morgan started laughing, but when I didn’t join her, she stopped. “Wait, you’re serious.”
“Yes.”
“That’s preposterous.”
“That’s what I told her.”
“Sutton is a great mom, and anyway, no one would ever side with Maverick’s parents over the mother of the child. That accusation is laughable.”
“She took it personally.”
“Well, I suppose she’s in an emotionally vulnerable place. The thought of taking her son away probably made her Hulk out.”
“She told Linda that she never wanted her to see Jason again.”
“That’s my girl!” Morgan cheered.
“Yeah,” I said, swerving around a car with its flashers on.
“Okay, but so…if that happened, why are you in the car? You are in the car, right? I can hear the rain. It’s so fucking loud.”
“I am. And I’m leaving because, apparently, that conversation also had Sutton completely second-guess our relationship. She thinks that she should take other people’s opinions into account about who she should date and whether she should be happy.”
“Oh God, poor Sutton,” Morgan said on a sigh. “I don’t blame you for leaving, David, but I think she’s still pretty messed up about Maverick. And, every time someone gets in her head, it all comes back to the surface.”
“I know. Christ, I understand what she’s going through. I have been there every step of the way,” I said, breezing around someone through the next light. “But, at some level, she has to choose me. We had a great weekend, and then this shit again. What more can I do, Mor?”
“I don’t know,” she said softly. “Wait for her.”
“I’d wait for her to the ends of the earth. I’d be happy to even take things slow. But the whiplash is killing me. When we’re alone, it’s perfect. When we’re apart, it all falls to shit. I love her. I want to make this right, but it doesn’t seem like there’s anything I can do.”
“You can be patient.”
“I’ve been the model of patience.”
“No one said this was going to be easy. You fell in love with someone who’d had her heart shattered in a way that changed who she was as a person. My sister is not the person she was before Maverick’s death. I bet, when you’re alone, you make her feel like herself again, and when you’re apart, she remembers that she isn’t just that person anymore. She is split in two, and only time is going to heal that divide.”
I banged my hand on the steering wheel. I knew she was right. I’d known before I walked out of that house. But there was a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. And, as much as I wanted to turn this car around and make it right, my pride wouldn’t let me.
“Can we go get a beer?”
Morgan slowly breathed out. “Yes. Flips?”
“I’m already on my way.”
“Okay, I’ll meet you there. And, hey, David?”
“Yeah?”
But I never heard what she was about to say to me.
I was speeding through the next intersection. My mind completely trapped by my problems with Sutton. My phone call with Morgan barely a secondary concern.
Someone laid on their horn.
A flash of bright lights.
I gasped.
Crunch.
A car collided with my Ferrari.
My head whipped to the side.
The airbag deployed.
My world spun.
I heard screaming. “David!”
Then, everything stopped, and I lay still.
Twenty
Sutton
Jason cried in the other room.
I picked my head up from my pillow and ambled down the hallway. He was sitting up on the couch, looking around, confused, as if he wasn’t quite sure why he’d taken a nap. I felt grateful that he had.
That conversation with David had been…awful.
I definitely had not wanted Jason awake for that. Or for all the tears I’d had. One horrible conversation had probably been enough for a day, but I’d gone and fucked it up with the second.
Jesus, am I purposely forcing everyone out of my life at this point?
How had everything spiraled so far out of my control?
David and I had been happy. He’d said that. It was true. We had been happy.
Happiness felt like trying to hold on to sand. All you did was watch it slip through your fingers.
“Morning, sleepyhead,” I said, hugging Jason tight to me. “Did you have a good nap?”
“Yep,” he muttered.
“Good. Ready for some dinner?”
He nodded. I took his hand, and we both walked into the kitchen. I hadn’t touched the pizza David had brought over and was now kicking myself. I didn’t want to bother in the kitchen, but I knew that cooking something would Zen me out a bit. Let my brain slow down enough to process everything that had just happened.
I went for something simple since I didn’t have a lot of energy.
“Breakfast for dinner it is,” I told Jason as I cracked a few eggs, pulled out the toast, and started to fry the bacon. I thought about making
some brownies later. Baking always did the trick, and I couldn’t wait until I went into work tomorrow morning.
The eggs were on the stove when I heard my phone going off in the other room. Jason had pulled all the pots and pans out of the bottom cabinets, and he was banging them together. He’d be occupied with that for probably twenty full seconds at least.
I dashed into the room and grabbed my phone. I saw Morgan was calling. Just great. David must have spoken to her after he left. The last thing I wanted was to deal with her right now, but I wasn’t the kind of person to ignore her call.
I sighed dramatically and then answered, “Hey, if you’re going to try to talk to me about David, now is not the time.”
“Sutton, oh my God, thank God you answered.”
The panic in her voice was unmistakable. I’d never heard Morgan sound that scared before. Immediately, my heart started racing, and my throat closed up.
“What’s going on? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. It’s David,” she gasped. She sounded like she was crying. Morgan was crying. “We were on the phone, and he got into a car accident. Someone found the phone and called me back because I was his last contact. He’s being taken into the Medical Center.”
The phone nearly slipped through my fingers.
Stark terror raced through me.
Panic and desperation and fear. Straight fear.
A black hole had opened up around me and swallowed me whole.
The hospital. He’d been…taken to the hospital.
No. No, no, no. Goddamn it, no!
I wouldn’t go back to that place. I wouldn’t be there to see another person I loved die. Another person just gone. It wasn’t possible.
There was ringing in my ears. The outside world vanished, and just emptiness filled my body. I might throw up, but all I did was stand there in horror.
This couldn’t be happening.
This couldn’t be happening…again.
How is this my life?
“Sutton! Sutton, are you there?” Morgan called into the phone. “Sutton, please, answer me. I’m on my way to the hospital. Do you need me to come get you?”
That last part snapped me out of the spiral I had been falling down.