by Gwen Russell
At the beginning of 2006, it was announced that Jeremy was to become one of a series of guest presenters on Never Mind The Buzzcocks, as regular presenter Mark Lamarr had stood down: Clarkson, like Lamarr, was cutting and very, very sharp. He also continued to guest-host Have I Got News For You and helped Gordon Ramsey cook lobster on the latter’s television show. His popularity remained undimmed.
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Jeremy Clarkson has suffered his fair share of life’s sadness – most notably when his father died in 1994. Jeremy and his mother used that familiar Clarkson tactic of retreating behind humour to deflect pain. Shirley once said that when her husband was dying, she and Jeremy would play games such as, ‘List all the illnesses dad has had this month’ or ‘Name all the drugs that dad’s taking beginning with the letter P’.
‘It’s just what we do,’ she said. ‘It’s more constructive than getting depressed.’ It was certainly a coping mechanism, although Clarkson has said publicly that the death of his father affected him very deeply. But that was a side of him the public very rarely saw.
Then, in September 2006, Jeremy Clarkson and James May – along with the rest of the nation – were horrified when their co-presenter Richard Hammond was nearly killed in a crash. Hammond had been attempting to break the land speed record of 300mph in a Vampire dragster when it overturned, leading to severe criticism of the BBC’s health and safety policy – especially when it emerged that he’d had only a few hours training in the car beforehand.
Richard was lucky to escape the crash alive. Yorkshire Air Ambulance was summoned to the scene and airlifted him to Leeds Infirmary. Richard, clearly unaware of what was happening to him, was insistent that he should continue doing his job.
‘We managed to keep him talking until we reached hospital,’ said Darren Axe, one of the air ambulance paramedics. ‘There were no obvious injuries but it was clear that he’d suffered severe head trauma. The flight took only twelve minutes. But it seemed a lot longer to me. I kept asking the pilot, “Are we there yet?”’
Everyone went into a state of shock. Although Hammond was later to stage a full recovery, initially there were real fears that he might either die or suffer permanent brain damage.
Richard’s wife, Mindy, rushed to be at his side. ‘I know he’ll get through this,’ she said. ‘He’s the strongest man in the world. He’s a bit daft, but I love him to bits. We’re all going to be there with him.’
It put the BBC in a very difficult situation, forcing it to issue a statement about Top Gear which denied condoning ‘irresponsible or dangerous activities’. The Health and Safety Executive announced it would be launching an investigation as this was, to all effects, a workplace accident, while motor experts said an amateur like Hammond should never have been involved in such a dangerous stunt.
Jeremy himself said he was ‘absolutely devastated.’ He drove from London to Leeds, where Richard was in the hospital, and mounted an overnight vigil at his friend’s bedside.
‘James May and I are at the hospital in Leeds where Richard remains in intensive care,’ he said. ‘Obviously at this time both he and his family are the most important concerns we have. It must be devastating for his wife Mindy and his two utterly adorable children. I would just like to say how heartened Richard will be when I tell him just how many motorists and truck drivers on my way here wound down their windows to say they were rooting for him. Both James and I are looking forward to getting our “Hamster” back.’
He couldn’t resist the odd tease, however. ‘I was being nice to him for a change,’ he said. ‘But I wasn’t getting any reaction. He probably thought, “That sounds like Clarkson but it can’t be – he’s saying nice things.” He was lying peacefully with a black eye but didn’t react so I tried something else. I said: “The reason you’re here is because you’re a crap driver.” He then smiled at me. It was an amazing moment, very moving.’
In actual fact, the speed of Hammond’s recovery amazed everyone. Within two days he was managing to talk and to take a few steps, something Jeremy himself was only too happy to report. ‘In the wee small hours Richard Hammond suddenly sat up in bed, opened his eyes and asked what had happened,’ he said. ‘“You’ve been in a car accident,” I said. “Was I driving like a twat?” he asked before getting out of bed and walking, shakily, to the lavatory. Despite all the odds, it seemed we’d got our hamster back.’
Shortly afterwards, Richard was transferred to a private hospital in Bristol where he was to make a full recovery. Jeremy now deemed his friend well enough to admit that he, James and Richard had talked about what they’d do if one of them died in a stunt. ‘We decided that after the announcement of the death in the following week’s show, the next word should be “anyway”,’ he said. ‘So if the Hamster had ever careered through the Pearly Gates in a 200mph fireball, I would put on a sombre face, say Richard Hammond had died and after a small pause, add: “Anyway, the new Jag…” It was a sort of a joke. But then this week it sort of wasn’t.’
The depth of the affection Hammond was held in by the public became clear when it emerged that £140,000 had been raised to benefit Yorkshire Air Ambulance, to be put towards a second helicopter. His family had asked that, rather than send flowers, well-wishers should make a donation to the service, which they well and truly did.
As Richard continued to recover, the BBC decided to delay showing the new series until he was completely well again. ‘It has to be those three,’ said Top Gear’s executive producer Andy Wilman (a statement that carries some resonance now). ‘I wouldn’t do it – couldn’t do it – without Richard. We’ve shot most of this series but we won’t do anything with it until he’s better, because he’s it.’ Filming eventually began again in October.
There was certainly a great deal of comment that followed this, asking if it was right that amateur drivers, no matter how talented or knowledgeable, should be asked to engage in such dangerous activities. Motoring journalist Neil Lyndon was one such commentator. ‘The people who should be examining their consciences and questioning their own responsibilities are the BBC producers and executives who have turned Top Gear into a stunt show of evermore dangerous capers,’ he wrote in the Daily Mail.
‘As any of the show’s viewers will know, Top Gear has long been a disaster that was just waiting to happen. For its presenters are actively encouraged to burn the tyres to shreds and generally subject every car to the kind of handling it might get from a joyriding yob. The result? Top Gear trashes cars all the time… Put simply, an adolescent, law-breaking recklessness and indifference to the value of cars is now fundamental to Top Gear’s idea of entertainment. How many viewers, for instance, must wonder if Jeremy Clarkson and the other presenters have acquired an international exemption from speed limits – or if all the police forces of Europe are turning a blind eye – every time we see them racing across the continent in a trio of 200mph supercars?’
Jeremy fought back. ‘Today, people who have absolutely no idea at all of how television works (yes, columnist Neil Lyndon – that’s you, you sanctimonious, rent-a-soundbite little turd) are saying that our producers push us to do more and more dangerous stunts in a bid for ratings,’ he wrote. ‘Rubbish. Our producers spend their whole lives filling in health and safety forms and asking, “Are you sure?” It’s the presenters who come up with the hare-brained ideas and trans-continental races… not the backroom boys or the suits.’
Further confirmation of the popularity of Top Gear’s presenters – and indeed of the programme itself – came with winning Most Popular Factual Programme at the National Television Awards. Jeremy collected the award. ‘Richard knows that we’ve won and he’s absolutely thrilled,’ he said. ‘Now he’s won he thinks he is Napoleon and can conquer all of Europe.’ And then, in a lighthearted aside to his absent colleague, he added, ‘I told you if one of us had a car accident we’d win this.’
After that it was back to business as usual. By this time, Clarkson’s wealth was reflected in his increas
ingly valuable car collection: a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder, a Mercedes-Benz SLK55, a Volvo XC90, a Ford Focus and an ex-military Land Rover Defender. He was expanding his professional range too, giving voice to the character Harv, Lightning McQueen’s agent, in the British version of the hit animated film Cars.
Jeremy, clearly feeling that his softer side had been on show for far too long, also took on the caravanning community. He hosted the MPH ’06 motor show first at the Birmingham NEC, and then at London’s Earls Court, and in the course of the evening wrecked two caravans. Caravanners were, predictably, outraged. There were furious protests outside the show, as well as stickers and badges bearing the legend, ‘Hate Clarkson, Love Caravans.’ Clarkson himself was unmoved. ‘When I come to power, caravans will be banned,’ he said.
The show also contained some not-so-gentle ribbing of Richard, in the shape of a speeded-up wheelchair – but the man himself wasn’t concerned. A few months after the accident, he revealed he was driving again and had taken Mindy out for a spin in his Morgan sports car. ‘Now I feel more like me,’ he said. ‘As I got into the driving seat it felt like I was back where I belonged. It was wonderful to be away from everything, being able to tootle around the lanes in the foothills of the Malverns in Gloucestershire on a sunny Sunday afternoon.
‘During the last two months there have a number of moments I will never forget and this is one of them. I have really missed driving and the freedom that comes with it. I didn’t realise how much until today. Mindy was a bit damp-eyed. She has been my driver for the last few weeks and I have been dependent on her. Now I’m looking forward to taking her out for a drive and a nice lunch this week.’
At the MPH ’06 motoring show there had been another Top Gear-related crash, but this one was rather less serious. James May took a tumble when he rode a shopping trolley into ten giant skittles, falling out and spraining his wrist. He acknowledged that the crash – which took place at about 20mph – was not quite in Richard’s league. ‘It’s quite pathetic, really,’ said a rather embarrassed James. ‘It turned out to be nothing more than a slight sprain. I can ride a bicycle, hold a pen, everything. The aspirins and plasters man had a look at it and said it was probably okay. Richard called and couldn’t resist taking the piss.’
Jeremy was apparently seen falling over shortly afterwards when trying to tie his shoelaces, but no one seemed to get too het up about that. Indeed, there were much bigger things to worry about – namely, the potential ending of one of the most popular television series ever screened in Britain. Could it really be true that Top Gear was about to come to an end?
It did seem that the unthinkable was about to happen. Real doubt had been cast over the future of the show by none other than Clarkson himself. It seemed that something was amiss when he ended the most recent series by saying, ‘We don’t know when we’ll be back,’ and echoed this early in 2007 when the BBC announced plans for a one-off special in the summer: ‘After last week’s Top Gear, the TV announcer said it would be back in the summer. Can I just say, “It won’t be,”’ he contradicted.
The BBC promptly refuted this: ‘Top Gear will come back,’ said a spokesman. ‘A summer special is planned and Top Gear will return in the autumn. We’re expecting all three boys to present the programmes.’ Confusion reigned.
It seemed the problem was that the three presenters were unhappy with the direction the show was taking. They, understandably, wanted the cars to be at the heart of it, while the producers were keener on featuring celebrity guests.
Urgent talks must have been held behind the scenes, because it wasn’t long before Jeremy was cheerfully contradicting himself. ‘Everyone seems to think the programme is finished or that I’ve left,’ he announced. ‘Well, sorry to disappoint you all but it isn’t and I haven’t. Top Gear … will be back in the autumn.’ It was good news to literally millions of fans worldwide; Clarkson by now had a huge global following.
Meanwhile, it was finally confirmed that Richard’s crash would be shown on television – by Jeremy himself. ‘Half the world wants to see the crash so I’m sure we’ll show it,’ he said. ‘We’re looking into whether we’ve enough footage of a good quality … I imagine we’ll be using it in the first show. Richard has no idea what happened to him so he’ll be as keen as everyone else to see it.’ It was indeed shown, and Richard appeared on screen to discuss it at length.
Back in the world of Clarkson, Jeremy’s appetite for a spat remained as strong as ever. His latest target was Channel 4 newscasters: all they had to do, he said, was turn up for work in a garish tie, read excerpts from The Guardian and go home. This prompted a furious rejoinder from Jon Snow. ‘Well what do you have to do on a motoring programme?’ he snapped. ‘All you have to do is get in the car and push your foot down. Am I a fan of Clarkson’s show? No, I’m a little fan belt, actually. I’ve only watched Top Gear on BBC World in very far-flung places where there’s nothing else on telly.’
Jeremy didn’t care. Nor did he appear unduly concerned when the May issue of GQ magazine put him at number ten on the list of Britain’s worst dressed men. Given that the same magazine also labelled Pete Doherty as Britain’s seventh best-dressed man, perhaps his indifference was understandable.
Next, Clarkson turned his attention to Malaysia or rather (to be fair) to the Malaysian car Perodua Kelisa. He called it ‘unimaginative junk, with no soul, no flair and no passion’ on Top Gear, before attacking it with a sledgehammer, hanging it from a crane and blowing it up. He followed that up by writing: ‘This is without doubt the worst car, not just in its category but in the world. The inside is tackier than Anthea Turner’s wedding and you don’t want to think what would happen if it bumped into a lamppost. Also its name sounds like a disease.’
The Malaysian government was outraged. ‘From 2001 to 2007, Perodua exported more than 2,400 units of Kelisa to the United Kingdom and the distributor had never received any negative response,’ said minister Datuk Abdul Raman Suliman, before going on to criticise Clarkson as ‘like a football commentator who does not play football’.
But while he might have retained the power to offend, he also certainly continued to amuse. In June 2007, a petition on the Downing Street website demanding ‘Make Jeremy Clarkson Prime Minister’ attracted more than 7,600 signatures. What would Clarkson do in his first hundred days in office? ‘I’d sack everybody and then go to the pub and put my feet up.’
Towards the end of 2007, he also became a hero to many when he took on a gang of hoodies. Out with daughter Katya to celebrate her ninth birthday at the indoor ski slope in Milton Keynes, the family was surrounded by teenagers who simply wouldn’t leave them alone. Utterly exasperated, Jeremy finally put his hands around the neck of one of the boys.
‘I was standing there, holding this boy by the scruff of his neck – and instead of worrying about being stabbed I was actually thinking, “I’m going to get done for assault if I’m not careful,”’ Clarkson said afterwards. ‘I therefore put him down, and in a flurry of hand gestures involving various fingers he was gone. Plainly this boy’s parents are useless, allowing him to be out on the streets, harassing passers-by at will.’ Another member of the gang, a teenage girl, promptly reported the incident to the police, but in the event no charges were brought.
That petition was still on the Downing Street website at the beginning of 2008. It had garnered over 31,000 signatures. Top Gear was continuing to soar in popularity; the studio audience waiting list was an average 100,000 and could sometimes go as high as 300,000 – and there was only capacity in the studio for 500. Unusually for such a long-running television series, its popularity seemed to be getting greater as time went on.
Jeremy was still up to his old tricks, with he and James May both managing to upset the Scout movement when they reviewed the Skoda Scout car. ‘I suppose every summer it goes off to the country and is touched inappropriately,’ said James.
‘No, no, James,’ said Clarkson. ‘That’s the Skoda Catholic Church.’
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Jeremy also sailed pretty close to the wind in the summer of 2009. The media climate had changed in the wake of the Russell Brand/Jonathan Ross fiasco, and so rather than picking on a vulnerable individual or group, Clarkson went for Gordon Brown. The Prime Minister was a big enough boy to stand up for himself, though Jeremy not only used bad language but made fun of his disability, too.
‘I get into trouble talking about Gordon Brown, the silly cunt,’ said Clarkson in the audience warm-up to an episode of Top Gear, adding for good measure that he was ‘a one-eyed Scottish idiot’. BBC Two controller Janice Hadlow was in the audience and, according to insiders, distinctly not amused.
The BBC, perhaps reluctant to get into yet another controversy over one of its star presenters, was keen to play the whole thing down. ‘There was a discussion about the programme,’ said a BBC spokesperson, denying that Jeremy had been asked to apologise. ‘It is certainly not an ongoing issue. Janice went to watch a recording of Top Gear as it is BBC Two’s top-rated programme, and as controller of BBC Two, she holds both the programme and Jeremy in high regard. After the recording, she and Jeremy had a discussion about the programme as controllers and presenters often do.’
Indeed, having just publicly insulted Gordon Brown, the Tories promptly got it in the neck from Clarkson, too. They had just criticised the appointment of Lord Alan Sugar as Enterprise Tsar, saying this would make the BBC biased. This was ‘strange’, said Jeremy, adding, ‘Not that long ago the self-same Tories asked me – a BBC man through and through – to join their team.’ In actual fact, although Clarkson’s values probably propelled him towards the Conservatives rather than Labour, he was not a party political animal at all. As a maverick, he would never be able to toe the party line.