Swinging her legs to the floor she stood and laid her hand gently on Rebecca’s head. “Rebecca, honey you should go lay down. You and the baby need to rest. One of us will wake you if we hear anything.”
Rebecca allowed herself to be led upstairs to her bedroom. Our bedroom. Oh God, baby please come back to me. I need you. She lay down and pulled Shawn’s pillow tight against her, the scent of her perfume comforted her. She had no idea how long she laid there after Sam covered her and closed the door, before she fell into an exhausted sleep. Her alarm blared at her as she struggled to open her eyes; they felt like lead. She automatically reached for Shawn but her arm touched only cold sheets. She bolted upright, disoriented and still feeling like she couldn’t breathe. She choked back a sob as she realized it was morning and Shawn was still not there.
Sam stretched in her sleep and snuggled tighter against the back of Jenna, who was lying tucked in front of her on the couch. Jenna had stumbled in at four a.m., exhausted and worried. She had been unable to find any trace of Shawn. She had driven to all of Shawn’s favorite places and called every friend should could think of but found no trace of her. She must have dialed Shawn’s cell a hundred times, only to have it go straight to voicemail each time. Sam had pulled her into a tight hug when she had returned empty-handed. They had fallen asleep on the couch, hoping that Shawn would call.
Jenna startled at a noise from the kitchen and slowly sat up. She saw Rebecca moving around, looking like she was getting ready to leave. Jenna nudged Sam and got up to check on Rebecca.
“Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to wake you.” Rebecca said softly as she turned and saw Jenna standing across the kitchen. “I was just grabbing some fruit before I leave for work.” She absently held an orange up.
“Rebecca, you don’t need to go to work. Call out, it’s not like you don’t have plenty of time off. You didn’t sleep well last night and you need to rest.” Jenna said quietly. She observed the dark circles and the drawn look on her friend’s face.
“I appreciate your concern, but I’d rather keep my mind busy. I promise, I have no intention of putting my baby in any danger.” She squeezed Jenna’s arm as she walked past and out the door to her car.
Rebecca tried to focus on her patients before discreetly pulling the charge nurse aside. “Cheryl, did Shawn call out this morning?” She said in a low tone so she wouldn’t be overheard.
Cheryl looked at her with a startled expression. “Rebecca are you okay? You look exhausted. Did you two get into a fight?” Cheryl asked with concern. “Shawn called me this morning and said she needed to take a leave of absence and that she would burn all her paid time off she had accumulated, which was three weeks. She said something about a family issue.”
Rebecca barely had time to realize what was happening as she felt the darkness close in; she reached for Cheryl’s arm as her legs gave way. Thankfully, Cheryl recognized the signs and braced herself to catch Rebecca as she fainted.
Rebecca slowly opened her eyes, struggling to understand why she was laying down in a hospital bed and then it came slamming back into her mind. Shawn is gone. She’s gone and she’s not coming back. Oh God, I can’t do this without her.
Sam was sitting quietly next to the bed. She reached out her hand and held Rebecca’s silently. She didn’t have any words that would make Rebecca feel better right now. Hell she knew from experience the weight of desperation that Rebecca was feeling right now. She was pregnant and her world had crumbled. The person she loved the most, the person she thought she would share this journey of having a child with, was gone. She only hoped that it was temporary for Rebecca’s sake and honestly for Shawn’s too. Shawn needed Rebecca and their baby just as much as they needed her.
****
Shawn had driven aimlessly all night until she ended up pulling off the highway at a hotel and checking in. She fell into the bed, fully clothed and exhausted. She lay there in the silence and darkness for hours, listening to the sounds of the vehicles fly by on the highway. She didn’t even know where she was at. She had turned her cell phone off as she pulled away from the house. Our house. Her heart ached, but the rest of her felt numb. There were no tears, only numbness.
Somewhere in the early hours of the morning, she had turned her cell phone on long enough to call Cheryl, the nurse she knew was on charge that morning. She gave a lame excuse of family issues and needing to take a leave of absence. She knew she had three weeks of PTO saved up and she would burn it all until she could figure out where to go from here, wherever here was.
She fell into a fitful sleep as the sun was rising. She woke hours later in a cold sweat and she bolted for the bathroom, vomiting violently. She stood on shaky legs, washed her face with cold water and rinsed her mouth out. The world would be a better place if you had never been born. Did her father really feel that way? Was he that disappointed and disgusted in her? She slid down the wall and sat with her forehead on her knees, feeling nothing but emptiness.
She had no idea how much time had passed when she forced herself up off the floor. She grabbed her car keys and drove in search of a place to get some food. She felt sick, but she knew she would only feel worse if she didn’t put something in her stomach to absorb the bile that threatened to make her vomit again.
A few minutes later, she pulled into a local diner and eased herself into a booth in the back of the room. An older lady cheerfully approached her with a smile on her face. “Hello sweetheart. What can I get you to drink?” The lady reminded her of someone’s sweet grandmother. “Just some water would be great. Thank you.” Shawn said quietly. Her throat felt raw from puking.
“I’ll be right back with that and I’ll take your order then if you’re ready.” The lady smiled at her as she walked away.
Shawn laid her cell phone on the table. It was turned off again. She wanted to turn it on; to call Rebecca and tell her she was coming home. It’s better this way. She will eventually realize you’re not enough. Better to walk away now then to tell myself later “I told you so.” She tucked the phone in her pocket as if it would keep the temptation at bay.
The waitress approached her table and sat the glass of water down. She carefully studied the young lady’s face in front of her. She looks completely lost and alone, like she doesn’t have anyone in the world on her side. How sad.
“What can I get for you this morning?” she asked Shawn.
“I think just eggs and toast will be great, thanks.” Shawn said, glancing up at the waitress.
“My name is Sandy, just shout at me if you need anything. I’ll go put your order in.” Sandy said. I wonder what made her so sad. She reminds me of Beth. She quickly wiped a tear before anyone could notice.
Forty five minutes later, Shawn left the little diner and headed back to her hotel room. She sat on the bed in silence, her mind replaying the scene with her father. She didn’t remember falling asleep. Her dreams were filled with painful memories of her parents expressing their disappointment in her and disgust that she was a lesbian.
She woke feeling groggy and alone. Blinking a couple of times, she looked at the cheap alarm clock on the bedside table. Five thirty? Was that right? Did I really sleep that long?
She sat up slowly, feeling like she was weighed down by an elephant on her chest. She pulled a baseball cap on, not caring what she looked like; she wasn’t trying to impress anyone. She grabbed her wallet and keys and headed out the door to her car.
A few minutes later she pulled into the diner parking lot and made her way inside. She glanced around noticing a few other patrons who stared at her curiously as she weaved her way to a back booth and took her seat. She was staring blankly out the window when she heard a familiar voice of the waitress who had served her that morning.
“Back again?” Asked the older lady as she flashed her a friendly smile.
“Sandy right? I didn’t have anywhere else to go.” Shawn shrugged her shoulders. “I’m surprised you’re still here.”
“It’s
been a long day. We had another waitress call out so I picked up her shift. I guess I didn’t have anywhere else to be either.” Sandy smiled. “What will it be for you?”
“You pick, I trust you won’t steer me wrong.” Shawn said quietly.
“Okay honey. One ‘Sandy Special’ coming up.” As Sandy walked away something in her made her turn back to the booth. “I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’m still here. I think there is a reason I ended up working a double today and I think that reason is you. I don’t understand exactly why, but I feel like you need to know that whatever it is that has you so down is not something that you can’t make right.” She turned and walked to the kitchen.
Shawn stared after her. If she only knew, it is something I can’t change. I can’t change who I am and because of that my parents wish I didn’t exist.
Sandy returned a short time later with a plateful of food in hand. “This used to be my daughter’s favorite meal.” She said quietly. “She called it her comfort food.”
Shawn looked at the plate and realized it was probably one of her favorite meals also. Homemade meatloaf, mashed potatoes and sweet corn on the cob. She was exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically and for some reason the sight of it brought tears to her eyes.
“Thank you Sandy, it happens to be one of my favorites also.” Shawn said as she fought back tears she thought were irrational.
“Listen, I don’t mean to butt into your business, but I’m getting ready to clock out for the night. Would you like some company while you eat? I am not ready to go home to my empty house quite yet.” Sandy smiled.
“Sure, I don’t know if I will be very good company, but I don’t mind.” Shawn replied.
“Perfect. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Sandy said as she walked away towards the back of the diner.
Five minutes later, Sandy returned and slid into the opposite side of the booth. She brought two pieces of peach pie with her and a cup of coffee for herself.
“So Shawn, tell me where are you from?” Sandy asked with her customary smile on her face.
“Well, I grew up in South Carolina, just outside Charleston. I went to college at Duke though and ended up staying around after I graduated.” Shawn explained.
“So your family is all in South Carolina?” Sandy questioned gently.
“No, actually my parents still live there, but both my sisters now live in Charlotte also.” Shawn answered.
“Well that’s terrific. At least you have family close by and I’m sure that gives your parents plenty of reasons to visit often. It’s not too long of a drive either.” Sandy smiled.
“Rather the opposite I think. It gives them every reason not to visit Charlotte.” Shawn answered sarcastically.
“Why is that, if you don’t mind me asking?” Sandy’s smile had disappeared and had been replaced with frown lines between her brows.
“Well, I guess you could say they aren’t satisfied with the way we turned out.” Shawn replied bitterly. That’s a nice way of putting it. More like we are an embarrassment to them.
“I don’t know you, obviously, but how exactly did you and your sister’s turn out that would be a reason to not visit you?” Sandy asked gently, her kind smile had returned.
Shawn glanced around gauging whether any of the remaining diners were listening and then back at the lady sitting across at the booth from her. Hell, what does it matter if anyone hears? When did I start caring if people know I’m a lesbian?
She took a deep breath. “My parents are, shall we say, very status oriented. They have a very narrow view of what is socially acceptable, especially in old families.” She glanced up at Sandy. “My sister Sam and I are both lesbians you see and that certainly is not acceptable to them. They’ve made it abundantly clear that my lifestyle choice is nothing but disgusting to them.”
Sandy looked away briefly and Shawn thought she saw tears in her eyes. When she looked back she reached across the table and took Shawn’s hand gently. “Is that why you are so down?”
Shawn laughed quietly, without humor. “I suppose in a manner of speaking yes, but it’s more than that. I’ve dealt with their disapproval of me since I was little. It’s the biggest reason I stayed living in Charlotte after I graduated. I finally was to a point in my life where I thought I could actually be happy.” Her eyes filled with tears again. Damnit, why can’t I keep my emotions under control?
“Shawn, would you mind if I told you a story?” Sandy asked.
Shawn simply nodded without lifting her head.
“Six years ago I lost my only child, my daughter Beth. She was the love of my life but my actions certainly didn’t show that to her. When Beth was 17 she told me she was gay. I didn’t react well to it. I was raised to think that homosexuality was an abomination to God and that anyone who was gay was going straight to hell. I was also raised that homosexuality was a choice. When Beth told me she was gay, I lectured her for hours on how God’s word said that it was a sin and that she could change if she just asked God to change her.” Sandy quietly wiped her eyes, not caring if anyone saw her tears.
“Beth began to withdraw from me and when she turned eighteen, she moved out. I didn’t hear from her for two years. She called me one night to tell me she was going to be in town and she wanted me to meet her girlfriend. I told her I couldn’t accept the life she had chosen and I would continue to pray that she would change.” Sandy paused, looking at the window for so long that Shawn thought she was done.
“Three years after that I received a phone call from a detective sergeant with the Macon, Georgia police department. He said that he was very sorry to let me know, but my daughter had hung herself in her apartment. She had left a letter in an envelope addressed to me and he wanted to be sure that I got it. I was devastated. I cried for days for my little girl. And then a package arrived from the sergeant with her letter included. I carry that letter with me every day to remind me to never take for granted each moment of life.” Sandy reached into her purse and pulled out an envelope, handing it to Shawn. “This is what she left for me and it’s why I feel I was meant to cross paths with you.”
Shawn looked down at the battered envelope in her hand. It was clear that it had been handled many times, probably read hundreds of times over the past six years. She carefully pulled the letter out and began to read it.
Mom –
I wanted to tell you how very sorry I am that I was never able to be a daughter you could be proud of. I know that you have been very disappointed in me and I feel like I have failed you. I don’t know why I am the way I am, but I can’t find a reason to go on knowing that I can’t change how I feel and because of that, I have lost your love.
I’m sorry.
Beth
Shawn’s hands shook as she laid the letter down on the table and looked up into Sandy’s eyes. She could see the raw pain there, pain that six years had not erased.
Sandy smiled. “Shawn, I don’t know what has caused you to get to this point in your life where you seem so lost, but I want to explain a few things to you that I’ve learned from my daughter. You see, my daughter thought I didn’t love her because she was gay. She couldn’t have been more wrong but I certainly didn’t show her love, at least not how a parent should. I’ve come to understand that Beth was the way God made her, gay. It wasn’t something she chose, or something she could change. My reaction and treatment of her, while I thought it was showing love, was really showing her anything but that. Unconditional love doesn’t see flaws, it sees perfection. What Beth saw from me was judgment and rejection. I will forever live with the burden that my actions caused my daughter’s death. I want you to know that you are perfect just the way you are, flaws and all. You have so much to experience in life to waste any minute of it wondering if you are failing your parents. You are not the one with a reason to be ashamed; they are for not loving you like parents are meant to love their children, unconditionally.”
Sandy slid from the booth, gently picked
up the letter and smiled at Shawn. “I don’t know how I know this, but you’re running from happiness aren’t you? Please promise me you won’t let them win. You deserve happiness and you deserve to be loved, so don’t give up on yourself or on those that truly love you.” She turned and walked out of the diner without looking back.
Shawn sat for what seemed like hours staring out of the window before she finally paid her bill and drove back to the hotel room. She climbed under the covers of the bed and waited for sleep to come, but it didn’t. You’re running from happiness aren’t you? How did she know that? Why am I letting my father’s words still rule my life? How can I ever fix this with Becca?
****
Rebecca pulled in the garage and shut off her car. It had been a very long day at work. She closed her eyes and thought about the baby they had delivered two hours before the end of the shift. The baby had been ten weeks premature and had immediately been whisked into the waiting hands of the NICU team. She laid her head back against the headrest and closed her eyes. It had been a week since Shawn had left. No one had heard from her since she called out to the charge nurse. Rebecca was worried sick about her, hoping that she was okay. She felt like a piece of her was missing.
She climbed out of her car, closing the garage door on the way in the house. She tossed her keys on the counter, grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and flopped down on the couch. Without paying attention to what was actually on, she flipped through the channels. Her phone buzzed, indicating a new text message. She picked it up and read it. It was from Sam. Are you up for visitors? She quickly typed her answer and hit send. You guys are always welcome here.
She got up and flipped the porch light on and sat back down on the couch. Her phone buzzed again. We are bringing dinner with us. We will see you in fifteen. She moved her fingers quickly over the touch screen. Thanks. See you soon.
She watched an episode of Law and Order: SVU while she waited for Sam, Jenna and Jackson to arrive, but her thoughts were on Shawn. Where was she? Was she okay? God I miss her like crazy. As long as she’s okay, that’s all that matters. A quick knock and the front door opened. Baby Jackson squealed with delight when he saw her and she held out her arms for him.
The Human Side Page 3