Oh My Goth

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Oh My Goth Page 18

by Gena Showalter


  Clarik did good.

  In the living room, several boys chortle and call someone a preppy. I don’t have to wonder who that someone is. I turn, seeing former football players escort Mercedes, Linnie and Kimberly to the door. Former, because football isn’t “fright” anymore. All three girls are now soaked with beer.

  Someone turns down the music. Someone else slurs, “You don’t belong here.”

  Clarik stiffens, menace radiating from him.

  “Yes, I do belong here.” Mercedes’s tortured gaze darts around the room and finally clashes with mine. “I do!” The words are a statement as much as an accusation.

  “Stop.” I race forward, jumping in front of the door to block her progress. “What is wrong with you people? Are you monsters? Because that is how you’re acting.”

  For once in this world, my word isn’t law.

  “Out of the way, Jade,” a boy says. “We’re taking out the trash.”

  “The girls are staying.” I stand to my full height, my shoulders squared. “You are going.”

  Clarik takes a post at my side. Intractable. Unmovable. “Get your hands off the girls. Now.”

  If I thought he radiated menace before, well, I was wrong. Very wrong. This is menace in its purest form. There’s no doubt in my mind he will kill, if necessary, to protect the innocent.

  The girls are released at last, and the guys scramble away, perhaps hoping to hide in the kitchen. Wise move.

  Mercedes smooths quaking hands down her dress. Though she’s staring out at the attendees, she speaks softly, for my ears alone. “I’m not going to say thank you.”

  “I’m sure the world would end if you did.” My tone is just as soft. “Just do yourself a favor and remember what you told me about boys.”

  “He told me I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen.” She sniffles. “I thought he was remembering me, and it just... It felt good to be wanted again, even if by a jerk.”

  He was using her. How can she not see the truth?

  Looking through a dirty window...

  “You deserve better,” I tell her.

  “I know.”

  Linnie and Kimberly watch the byplay warily, as if I’m the wild animal I supposedly accused them of being, and they’re on safari. Don’t get too close, and don’t offer food. You’ll get bit.

  Across the distance, Charlee Ann and Bobby are watching, too. Only they aren’t wary. They are as furious as Mercedes, their eyes narrowed, their lips compressed into thin lines.

  “Want us to take you home?” I ask Mercedes.

  She thinks for a minute, shakes her head. “No. We’re not going to be chased away as if we’ve done something wrong.”

  Gotta admire her ovaries of steel. She’s covered in beer but determined to show the world she’s a force to be reckoned with.

  “All right, then.” I take Clarik’s hand and squeeze. “We’ll stay, too.”

  He squeezes back. And for the rest of the night, we remain on the sidelines, guarding the girls, all Make a move against them, see what happens. They dance and laugh and no one disturbs them or calls them ugly names.

  No one embraces their presence either, but hey, progress is progress. One baby step at a time.

  Part of me envies the bond that has developed between the three girls. The way they hold hands and give each other spontaneous hugs. Why didn’t I appreciate my friends when I had the chance?

  You lose what you do not value.

  In real life—IRL—I’m going to do so much better. In every way, shape and form, I’m going to show these girls, and Robb, how much they mean to me.

  What will I show Clarik?

  “I should have taken you to a movie,” he says. Once again, he’s whispering in my ear, making me shiver. “Sorry the date has morphed into a—”

  “Oh, no. Don’t you dare apologize. I’m glad we’re here, doing what we’re doing. Without us, there’s no telling what would have happened to the girls.”

  Leaning down, he brushes his nose against me. Like before, I thrill.

  “Clarie,” I say.

  “Yes, Jaybird.”

  I begin to vomit words. “I know we haven’t talked about this, and it’s far too soon for me to bring it up, but what the heck, I’m going to do it anyway because I need to know, so okay, here goes...are we exclusive while we figure this thing out? Or will we be exclusive in the future, maybe, or never, and don’t worry—there’s no wrong answer, except for anything but option A.”

  Electric blues gleam with an intensity that leaves me breathless. “I want to be exclusive while we figure this out. I hate the idea of sharing you with another guy.”

  Melting... Wait. I’m smiling! Miracle of miracles, the corners of my mouth are actually lifted.

  Clarik goes still, as still as a statue. “You. Are. Exquisite.”

  There’s a curl of heat low in my gut. “Thank you.”

  We lean into each other, closer... A tap on my shoulder makes me gasp.

  “Hate to break up such an embarrassing moment,” Mercedes says, “but we’re ready to leave.”

  I jolt, facing her, my cheeks warming further. If we’re leaving, that means I have T minus fifteen minutes—give or take a minute or two—until kiss time. Is my breath fresh? Maybe I should ask Clarik to wait at the door of my house while I go inside to brush my teeth.

  “Right,” I reply. “Let’s go.”

  Hand in hand, we walk the girls to Mercedes’s car. Or rather, my birthday car.

  Linnie studies me before she claims a seat in back. “Thank you.” Her tone is as gentle as her precious heart.

  I will do anything for you, anytime. “You’re welcome,” I say, not wanting to freak her out.

  Kimberly acknowledges my presence with a nod, and Mercedes pauses before climbing behind the wheel.

  Gaze steady on mine, she says, “Fine. I’m going to do it. I’m going to utter those two little words. Thank and you. And, Jade? I’m sorry for before. For every time I’ve hurt you.” She’s inside, the door slammed closed, before I have a chance to respond.

  Not that I would have known what to tell her. Shock has fried my brain.

  As the car speeds away, Clarik cups my nape. “You ready to go home?”

  “Yes.” No. Maybe. Possibly.

  “You’re nervous again.”

  “Yes,” I repeat. “I think I just want to get our first kiss over with. I’ll be better next time.” Surely.

  He leads me to his truck...where he swings me around, pressing me against the door. I gasp. Cool metal at my back, hot boy at my front. “Over with, huh?”

  I peer up at Clarik, my heart thudding against my ribs, the rest of the world forgotten. We are the only two people alive, this stolen moment the only thing that matters.

  “You know I’ve never been kissed,” I croak. “I could totally suck.”

  His pupils flare while his eyelids grow heavy. “I really hope that you do.”

  His tone is a sex purr, and threatens to undo what remains of my calm. “Why?”

  He flashes a quick smile, then once again brushes his nose against mine. “I’ll show you when I get you home.”

  And deal with these nerves the entire drive? No! I grip his shirt and pull him closer. “Kiss me now. Over with, remember?”

  He searches my face. Whatever he sees, he likes. His hands settle on my waist, and he lowers his head. Slowly. Torturously. My racing heart stops thudding and starts hammering. Bang, bang, bang. But he doesn’t kiss me.

  “What do you like about me?” he asks.

  Ugh! No more talkie talk. But even still, I say, “You first. What do you like about me?”

  “You once told me I couldn’t answer your question with a question, and yet you’ve done it to me twice now.”

  “Do as I say, not as I do. So?”<
br />
  He looks ready to smile again. “You look fragile and yet you can be as tough as nails. You aren’t afraid of the dark. You’ll rush into a burning building if it means saving someone who can’t save themselves. Anytime I make you smile, I feel like I’m king of the world.”

  Oh. My. Wow.

  I grip his shirt tighter. “You look as mean as a rattler but you can be as sweet as sugar. You aren’t afraid to step into the dark right at my side, or rush anywhere to save anyone. And when you make me laugh, I feel like I’m a queen who has seduced a king.”

  The smile breaks free, but the rest of him is tense, and growing tenser by the second. A good tense, as if desire is filling him and any moment now he’ll burst apart at the seams. Then the smile is gone completely, and his eyes are crackling with flame.

  My light.

  “I live for...you,” he says, and the admission rocks my world.

  I’m still reeling, careening, as he presses his lips against mine. They are incredibly soft and wonderfully sweet, like the beginning of a dream, when I hover in a magical place between awareness and sleep.

  His hands slid up, up my torso, over my shoulders, and tangle in my hair. My knees grow weak, threatening to buckle. My blood doesn’t just heat this time—it sings with sensation. I feel. Pleasure, amazement. Desire. Urgency.

  “Clarik.” The second I utter his name, breathless, the tone of the kiss changes. From sweet and exploratory to wild and fierce. All-consuming.

  He angles my head the way he wants it and licks my lips, coaxing them to part. Then, oh, then, his tongue sweeps inside, claiming me with startling intensity.

  My thoughts fog as never before, my stomach flip-flops and my skin burns with heat. My knees stop threatening, and start acting, buckling under my weight. No need to worry. Clarik catches me, his fingers back on my waist, hoisting me up. He’s strong, even stronger than I thought. His body presses flush against mine as he uses the truck to anchor me in place, allowing his hands to wander...

  Down my sides, around, before flattening on the back of my thighs. With a little maneuvering, he ensures my legs wrap around him.

  The new position heightens every sensation.

  Then he sucks on my tongue.

  I jolt, my nails sinking into his scalp. The pleasure! Mind-blowing. Earth-shattering. I cling to him, desperate to get closer...closer... I need to be closer to him. Now. Tomorrow. Please, please, please don’t let our time together end.

  A noise startles us both—laughing kids—and we break apart. We’re panting. The kids stumble past us, having no idea we’re hidden in the shadows, no idea what we’ve just done.

  Even when they’re gone, we remain in place, my back still pressed against the truck, legs wrapped around Clarik’s waist. How am I supposed to walk after this?

  Finally, he breaks the silence. “That was...”

  I run his bottom lip between my teeth. “If you say anything less than divine, I’ll bite off your tongue the next time it’s in my mouth.”

  “Just as long as there is a next time, eh?” He grins. “To be honest, our first kiss was absolutely, one hundred percent...divine.”

  I pluck at the collar of his shirt, then play with the ends of his hair. “The best kiss of your life?” Nothing could possibly be better...right?

  Oh, crap. What if it wasn’t the best? I shouldn’t have asked. I shouldn’t have—

  “Without question,” he says, and I nearly faint from relief. He presses his forehead to mine, tension suddenly radiating from him. “This feels like a dream. I don’t want to wake up.”

  “Then don’t. Stay with me.” Forever.

  No, no, not forever. One day, I’ll have to give him up and...and...my heart shudders.

  “There are things you don’t know about me,” he says.

  “Such as?”

  “I’ve been...arrested twice.”

  I don’t have to guess why. “For fighting.”

  “Yes. Girls were hurt, and I reacted.” He searches my gaze, his breath fanning my face. “Does knowing I’ve been behind bars scare you or make you want to run away from me?”

  “No.” Linnie was once arrested for shoplifting. The richest girl in school filched a cheap pair of earrings. Not because she liked them, but because she was angry with her parents and hoped to get their attention. And Kimberly was arrested for public intoxication.

  People sometimes do stupid things. That doesn’t always make them inherently bad, just human.

  “Here’s the thing,” he adds. “I liked making those abusers hurt right back. It was wrong, and I maybe should have responded in a healthier way, but I can’t go back.”

  With my forehead still pressed against his, my fingers now sliding through his silky dark hair, I say, “You’re right. It probably wasn’t a healthy way to respond, but I’m the queen of bad decisions. What I’m not? Your judge. I know you will never harm me.”

  “I... Thank you.”

  A sharp ache blooms in my chest, and it’s followed by a very strong urge to cry. I don’t want to cry. Not here, not now. I don’t want to spoil this beautiful moment. We are sharing with each other, caring for each other, and offering comfort.

  He pecks my forehead and steps back, forcing my legs to lower so that I’m standing.

  “We’d better go,” he says. “You have a curfew, I’m sure, and once again I have a condition that makes me unsuitable for the public.”

  I’m not yet operating at optimal conditions, and concern overwhelms me. “Are you sick?”

  “You’re really going to make me say it.” He nibbles on my ear and whispers, “It’s called a hard-on, Jaybird, and it flares up every time I see you.”

  As I blush and try my best to look anywhere but down, he laughs outright.

  “Come on.” He leads me to the passenger side of the vehicle and helps me settle in, his knuckles brushing my thighs as he buckles me up and winks at me.

  And it is then, that very moment, that second, that I fall head over heels in love with Clarik Iverson.

  * * *

  Has love changed me? Am I happy? Have I fought my pain—my past, my demons? Is this a better life? Can I win Clarik in the real world? Will he give me a chance?

  The questions plague me all night long, and I toss and turn. Any moment, I could wake up back in real life, even though I haven’t done everything my mother wanted. Maybe she isn’t in control, though. Maybe it’s always been me. Maybe I’m responsible.

  Why haven’t I returned, then?

  Whispers penetrate my awareness, even though no one is nearby, and no radio is on. My dad begs me to wake up, wake up, wake up, and talk to him, please. Fiona chatters on and on about her pregnancy. Ruby is kicking up a storm, and might just be a soccer player in the making. Grandma Beers tells me about the brownies she can’t wait to bake me—no mention of hash—and Mercedes admits she misses me. She even apologizes for sharing my journal entries.

  Linnie, Kimberly and even Robb tell me stories about their days. I’m most shocked to hear Clarik’s voice, too. He replays his first thoughts about me, and our first interaction, how kind I am, and how pretty, and how much he wants the chance to get to know me better. How he will do anything to see me smile.

  Part of me wonders if I’m hearing into the other reality, if the walls between the two are crumbling.

  When I lumber from bed, I find a message from Clarik on my phone.

  Miss you already. Later, gator. (I swear that isn’t as cheesy as it sounds. When I lived in Florida, a gator was our mascot.)

  I text back: So you’re a gator, and I’m a jaybird?

  Clarik: Jaybirds make tasty treats. VERY tasty...

  I’m smiling as I brush my teeth. Smiling as I shower and dress. Smiling as I realize, yes, I am happy.

  I lose that smile when I hear my dad and Nadine fighting about everyth
ing and nothing.

  I’m happy, but they are not. I’m happy, while Robb is dead and Ruby is nonexistent.

  Maybe I’m not so happy, after all.

  I coast through the next school week, spending more time with Clarik, Mercedes and her crew. Linnie and Kimberly have stopped freezing me out. They don’t look or speak to me, but they don’t run from me, either. Baby steps.

  However, Charlee Ann and Bobby no longer want anything to do with me. Apparently they’ve started dating, making Charlee Ann the queen of school rather than my lady-in-waiting.

  Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

  My crown is now tarnished. Charlee Ann decided I wasn’t worth the effort the day she scolded me about my behavior at the party and my response came in the form of a question. “Why are you Goth?”

  She’d sputtered for a minute. “Because...just because.”

  Cold shell. I’m no longer adored by everyone at every time, and to be honest, I miss it more than I expected.

  “Hey, Fright Night is tomorrow. Are you going?” Mercedes asks me Friday at lunch.

  We’re sitting at a table in the back. The “reject” table.

  “Tickets are sold out,” I say. Everyone is excited about the costume party Charlee Ann had to organize in my place, since I bailed on the planning committee. Guilt razes me. She’s not my favorite person, but I shouldn’t have left her in the lurch. “I forgot to get one.”

  “I got us tickets.” Clarik is at my side and kisses my temple.

  I squirm in my seat. He’s almost too good to be true.

  “I got you guys tickets,” Mercedes tells Linnie and Kimberly.

  “You are the sweetest,” Linnie says, throwing her arms around my stepsister.

  Mercedes accepts the hug and returns it, causing my chest to ache.

  Kimberly pats her on the shoulder, and Mercedes blows her a kiss.

  They are bonded now. Bonded in a way they’ve never been with me. Because I wouldn’t let them in.

  Just think. I could have had this camaraderie with them all along.

 

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