by CM Wondrak
“Of course it matters!” Kayla raised her voice until she was practically yelling. “It matters, Tenley, because it always does!”
That… that didn’t really make much sense. I stood my ground, refusing to be the meek girl I used to be. Instead, I said, “You’re acting like this is about me. It’s not. The police don’t think I did it—they were just asking me questions. You should—” I was seconds from saying she should calm down, but what she told me next caused my heart to stop in my chest.
Well, almost.
“They think he killed himself,” Kayla whispered, her voice nearly breaking as she went on, “but the police have other ideas. It all seems familiar, doesn’t it? Cover up the murder with a suicide.”
It was hard for me to ask, but I had to, “What are you talking about?”
“My brother, your dad, never would’ve laid a finger on your mom. He loved her. When the police found them… there was no evidence. Nothing at all for them to suspect foul play, even if…” Kayla trailed off, blinking back the emotion from welling in her eyes.
“Even if what?” The words came out of my mouth, but I didn’t hear them. My mind was too busy processing everything. What had happened to Kyle, what Kayla was saying… what she wasn’t saying. There was more to this, so much more, and I had the uneasy feeling that I was finally about to see the truth, to gaze upon the entire picture.
“Even if there was a suspect,” she finished.
“Was there a suspect?” My breath caught as I asked, the blood pumping harder in my veins as I waited to hear her answer. Kayla never liked talking about my parents, and as much as I didn’t want to discuss Kyle or what happened to him—regardless of whether or not his death was a suicide or not—I could not stop this train from reaching its destination. We’d been going for so long we were bound to arrive sooner or later.
It took her entirely too long to admit, “Yes.”
I dropped my bag, moving closer to Kayla, standing beside her as I whispered, “Who was he?”
She gave me a smile, a sad, regretful smile as she reached up and tucked some of my blonde hair behind my ear. A tender gesture, one that almost made me pull back, for now was not the time to be all loving and aunt-like. Now was the time for the truth. I’d waited long enough for it, spent the last ten years in the dark.
“His name is Enzo Lee,” Kayla spoke, letting his name settle on my ears. It didn’t ring any bells, but nevertheless my aunt watched me, waiting for my reaction, like she expected me to have one.
Like she thought I’d recognize the name.
“Should I know who he is?” I asked, unable to move. Enzo Lee. The name was unfamiliar to me in every way, and yet I knew, just by how my aunt looked at me, I should know it, my heart should recognize it.
Kayla heaved a giant breath, taking my hand and leading me to the living room, sitting us both down on the couch. At this rate, I doubted she’d be leaving to go back to work tonight, which would make leaving this house and going over Aubree’s near impossible, but that was something I’d figure out later. Right now, I needed to hear this.
Sitting beside me, Kayla questioned, “You still don’t remember anything? Nothing at all?”
I thought back, to the flashes of dreams and what could be memories—or what could be images and sensations made up in my head. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “It’s all a blur. I—sometimes I get flashes of something, but then it goes away too quickly.”
“Ten years ago, Enzo Lee kidnapped you, and by the time you were found, your parents were dead.”
Fuck. Everything had been leading up to this, and yet, still, hearing it from Kayla’s mouth was like a slap to the face. It didn’t really hurt, but it stung all the same. The shock of it. The naked truth.
“The police tried to pin the murders on Enzo, but they couldn’t. There was no evidence, so all they could do was put him away on kidnapping charges.” Kayla sniffed, swiping at her eyes, at the tears that had started to form while speaking about this.
That’s why Kayla had always been so protective of me. That’s why she chose to homeschool me for a few years before letting me go back into the public’s eye. It all made sense… and yet, at the same time, there were still so many unanswered questions.
“I was…” I could hardly say the final word: “Kidnapped?” Was that room in the dark with the lone light a memory of when I was kidnapped? “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“The doctors said you might be blocking out the memories, repressing them, that your mind was doing it to protect itself. I didn’t want to tell you, Tenley, not if it meant you remembering what happened and reliving it. I would never want to put you through that pain again.”
Pain? Kayla thought my kidnapper, Enzo Lee, hurt me. She thought I was trying to block him out, subconsciously, to avoid the memories which, to her, must surely be painful ones. But were they? Were they painful memories? Was that why I couldn’t remember my life before this?
Kayla stared at me, saying nothing else, waiting for me to speak, for a reaction. I didn’t know what to say, whether to be angry with her for keeping the truth from me or not. She’d only tried to protect me all these years, and yet… yet it hadn’t been enough. I was not normal, far from it. I wanted things that no sane eighteen-year-old should want.
Had Kayla failed me in her parenting, or was I destined to be like this after what happened when I was younger?
I had questions for her, so, so many questions, but what little truth I’d already gotten was too much for me. Too much for my mind to handle right now, so I decided to change the subject and say, “Aubree is devastated about Kyle. She asked me if I could come over tonight. She had a huge crush on him, and I don’t think she should be alone.” Okay, yes, I was twisting around what Aubree had said to me earlier, but Kayla didn’t need to know that.
My aunt stared at me, her expression melancholy. “Tenley…” I could tell she wanted to say no.
“Please,” I said, doing the one thing I hated: begging. “I’ll just be at her house. Her parents will be there. We won’t go anywhere else, I promise.”
Even though I knew she wanted to forbid it, Kayla sighed and said, “Fine.”
That, I think, was the easiest I’d ever got her to agree to anything.
Chapter Eleven – Tenley
I could tell Aubree had been crying when she came to pick me up. My aunt had not gone back to work, opting to stay home and watch over me until my friend came to pick me up. She even walked outside with us and hugged Aubree, which only made Aubree more of a blubbering mess.
Me? As I threw my bag in the backseat of her mom’s car, I couldn’t help but still be lost in what was said earlier.
Ten years ago, I’d been kidnapped. The police suspected the same man who kidnapped me to have hurt my parents and staged their deaths. I should be fearful of the memories that ebbed to the surface of my mind, the ones that fought their way to the surface in spite of it all. Those tiny flashes of darkness, the stale, rank air that seemed to haunt me at every turn.
It had to be connected. It had to be those repressed memories fighting to make their return.
Would my view on everything change once I remembered it all? Hell, at this point, I wasn’t even certain I’d ever fully regain those memories, so it wasn’t like I was just standing around and waiting for them. I had to go on, whether or not I ever remembered what happened.
Kidnapped. I was kidnapped. I still didn’t believe it.
At the same time, even though I was incredulous, I knew Kayla would never lie about something like that, and it made her actions these last ten years make sense. She wanted to protect me, because the world had proved its evilness to me when I was but a child. Most childhoods were full of joy and candy and energy, wild and free, but mine wasn’t. Mine was full of darkness and questions, uncertainty and crime.
I sat in the front seat of the car, waving at Kayla, who stood near the front door, looking far too serious. She’d offered for Aubree to sta
y over instead of me going over to her house, but I’d refused. Especially after learning the truth of it all, I needed to get away. Away from that house, away from her, away from everything.
Where was my stranger when I needed him? Where was his dark, gravelly voice asking me if I’d been his good girl? I needed to know if he was connected to it. I needed to know if everything had come full circle.
I was ready.
I wasn’t ready.
I… I guess I didn’t know how I felt. Everything was so confusing. Up was down and left was right; nothing was as it seemed, and I felt so utterly lost in this place, this giant world that constantly proved to you it always had something tucked away in its sleeve.
Aubree buckled her seatbelt, sniffing as she waved at my aunt before backing the car out of the driveway and getting us on the road. For a few moments, she said nothing. The radio was muted; nothing but silence to accompany us for the first few minutes of this drive.
“Thank you for coming over,” she eventually said, glancing at me as she made a right turn. She drove like a grandma in her mom’s car, probably because she didn’t want to risk getting into an accident. “Does your aunt know what happened?”
I nodded. “Yeah, Mr. Peele called her this morning. I think she said it was a courtesy call, since I’m eighteen and don’t need an adult guardian with me when I talk to the cops. He told her what happened.” I shifted in my seat, staring out of the window, biting my lower lip.
Aubree sniffed again. I had the feeling I would hear a lot of sniffing and crying tonight. “I’m surprised she let you come, then. She’s always been so… annoying about keeping you at home, not letting you out. Not that I’m saying I would’ve liked to go to the football games, but maybe once or twice—”
Of course, Aubree could’ve gone to those same football games and drooled over Kyle Sturgis by herself, but I wasn’t about to tell her that. In her eyes, she could do nothing alone, nothing that involved a crowd who might think she was a loser who showed up to games by herself.
No, instead of arguing with her, I simply muttered, “I know.” A part of me wanted to tell her what Kayla had said about what happened to me ten years ago, but I didn’t. I knew I shouldn’t. That should be a family secret, not something I went and told everybody. That said, the strange urge to share the truth was there, as much as I didn’t want it to be.
The rest of the ride was pretty quiet. Aubree pulled her mom’s car into the garage when we arrived at her house, and after I grabbed my bag I followed her inside. Her dad was home already, sitting in the living room, watching TV as her mom was in the kitchen. I said my hellos before trailing her up the stairs.
Once we were in her room, Aubree shut the door behind me, and I dropped my bag near her bed. Nothing much was inside it. A toothbrush, a hairbrush, pajamas, that sort of thing. I really didn’t know what to bring, since I’d never gone to a sleepover before. That’s what this was, right?
Felt kind of lame to admit I’d never had a sleepover, but that wasn’t even the half of it. There were a lot of things I never had that most people my age did. Gone on a date, for instance. Kissed. Made out. Touched a guy’s dick. You know, even sex. It wasn’t like a lot of people advertised the fact that they weren’t virgins anymore, but it was impossible for me to not feel left out, even if Aubree had a lot of the same nevers.
“My parents are probably going to be super annoying tonight,” Aubree warned, collapsing on her bed. I crawled onto it beside her, wondering if I’d sleep on the floor or if we’d take over the living room after her dad went to bed. I really had no idea here. “They’re worried about me. They think I’m going to cut myself again, and no matter how many times I tell them I won’t, they don’t believe me.” Her eyes welled with tears, and I knew she was about to full-out cry. I could do nothing to stop her, say nothing to make her feel better.
I didn’t know what to say to comfort her. Truly, I had no idea why she thought me being here would help, but as it turned out, this sleepover had become a good way to leave my house, too. Instead of saying anything, I merely set a hand on her back in what I hoped was a friendly gesture, something like a side hug.
We sat like that for a while, for a long while, until Aubree’s mom knocked on the door. She didn’t come in, but she did say through the crack, “Dinner’s done. Would you girls like me to bring your plates up here?”
Aubree nodded against me, and I said loudly, “Yes, please.” I heard her mom’s footsteps disappear down the hall and stairs, and I only pulled myself away from Aubree when I heard her come back. I opened the door for her, allowing her to come in and set two plates of what looked like pasta on top of Aubree’s dresser.
“Aubree,” her mom spoke, glancing around the room, at the piles of clothes that were most likely dirty strewn about, “I thought I told you to tidy up your room before you picked Tenley up?” She sounded very motherly, and I wondered how different my life would be if I would’ve grown up with my parents. I wouldn’t be here, definitely. I’d be in another town, probably a lot more normal in comparison, and not give a flying fuck as to who anyone at Banner High was.
Aubree’s eyes widened, her cheeks flushed from her crying. She glanced at me, embarrassment flashing across her face—not embarrassed by her room, but by her mom instead.
I took charge, saying, “It’s fine, Mrs. Laurence. I don’t care about the mess. I’m just here for Aubree.” I gave her mom a smile, hoping to usher her out of the room quickly.
To my surprise, her mom gave me a nod as she moved to the door. With one hand on the knob, she threw a look back at me, saying, “If you girls need anything else, just give a holler.”
I watched as she left, closing the door and leaving us alone once more. I knew her mom was only doing her best, only trying to be a strong parental figure in such a hard, trying time, but I didn’t know if that’s what Aubree really needed. What she needed, I think, was a blank slate. I didn’t know how the hell she would get over this.
Kyle Sturgis was dead, and with how it happened, there were too many unanswered questions, and those questions would ring in her head for weeks, months after this. How could she ever move on from something like that?
How could I move on from what Kayla had told me? I had questions. I had no answers. How could I pretend like everything was fine when it wasn’t, when I’d literally just learned a truth about myself I didn’t know existed?
I picked up one of the plates, bringing it to Aubree. I set it on her lap, saying, “I know you’re probably not very hungry, but you should try to eat at least a little.” Aubree wasn’t like me; she didn’t spend her mealtimes nibbling. The girl could eat. I only released my hold on the plate when she grabbed it and picked up the fork.
“You need to eat, too,” she whispered, sniffing. “I didn’t see you eat anything at lunch.”
Ugh. Of course, leave it to Aubree to turn the tables around on me, huh? Never mind the fact that I hardly ever ate anything at lunch, even though Kayla religiously packed me one every day.
I got the other plate, careful to balance it as I sat beside her on the bed. For a while, there was nothing but the sounds of metal forks scraping against porcelain plates as we ate. It was good, I guess, but it was just pasta. Nothing too special about it. Better than the usual takeout I ate, I supposed.
The death of your crush, as it turned out, made you quite mute. Aubree was not at all like herself, even after we brought our finished plates downstairs and deposited them in the dishwasher. She walked with a weight on her shoulders, her feet shuffling on the floor. I’d never seen her like this, never, although it was also true she’d never lost her crush before to a suicide.
Or a murder.
Whichever one it was, I wasn’t sure which one would make her feel worse. Would it be better to have a killer out there, stalking these streets, or know that Kyle had hidden his depression from everybody in his life like a master? As hard as it would be to choose, I guess most people would say the latter, because in
the case of the former, well… if a killer was out there, it meant he was waiting to find his next victim.
Going along with that logic, it meant no one was safe. Not Aubree, not me, not anyone in this town. Unless it was a one and done kind of thing.
Once we were back in her room, we got dressed in our pajamas. Her mom brought us extra blankets and pillows, and we made a little fort on the floor. All the while, my mind kept creeping back to my stranger, his voice, to his lack of calls lately.
What if it was my stranger who killed Kyle and made it look like a suicide? What if… what if it was all because of me?
I should feel bad, if that’s the case. I should feel awful, responsible for someone’s death, someone who, in all reality, would’ve gone on to do bigger and better things than me. I… well, I still didn’t know what the hell I wanted to do with my life, and I was running out of time. Soon enough I’d have to pick a college. Pick a major. Pick something that I could see myself doing for the rest of my life, a career.
Aubree and I lay down, a laptop open near our feet, playing something on Netflix. Something cheesy and mindless. I didn’t think Aubree could handle watching something with more serious tones.
She lay with her head on a fluffy brown pillow, frowning as she stared at the ceiling above us. “I still can’t believe he’s gone.”
“I know.”
“It just makes me think how easily everything can be taken away, you know?” She sniffed. “If my mom would’ve stayed at the office late like she wanted to that night, I wouldn’t be here. Just like that, an accident could’ve changed everything.” What Aubree neglected to say was that it wasn’t an accident; she’d only cut herself too deep. The cut itself wasn’t.
I thought about what she was saying, how one event in our lives could end us. In the same way, events could also be new beginnings. The kidnapping I didn’t remember could be considered the end of my parents’ story, but in a way, it was only my beginning. I would not be who I was without having gone through that, even if I didn’t remember it.