by Aja Cole
"Wanna know a secret?"
"Depends, is it about someone who regretted their tat?"
"No," she laughs, setting things up on the tray table next to her. "It's that tattoos don't have to have these big, powerful meanings or always represent something. The choice you're making to get one at all is enough. We'll do something small. Something that no one has to see unless you go out of your way to show them. So don't think about something you'd explain to other people...just pick something that you want to look at when you look at yourself."
I roll Whitney's words around in my mind for a little bit, wondering if I can separate what it would look like to someone else from just what I want.
"Okay." I take a deep breath, holding my wrist out. "Let's do it. Right here." I tap the inside of my wrist. "It's really cliche, but can we do a small butterfly?"
"It's not cliche, because it'll be all yours and a Whitney original." She winks, pulling gloves onto her hands and starting to prep my wrist. "Alright now, what's really up with you and Dylan?"
"What do you mean?" I ask innocently, and Calli and Karina scoot closer, tuning in too.
"Listen, I know about the breakup and the aftermath. Ben is a pillow-talker, he spills it all." Whit says, "No judgment or anything, but I know it's not just simple. But I have seen you two together, and I honestly wouldn't pick anyone else for him. Plus, I like you and I want you to stick around."
"It's...complicated." I watch her start to trace a design on thin paper.
"It always is." Calli chimes in. "Y'all are moving fast, but can you picture a life with him? Do you like him for who he is?"
"Does he slip into your head all the time when he's not around? Do you see him and just...it feels like you're the only ones in the room? Do you think about how amazing he'd be with your kids?" Karina sighs and we all look at her.
"Do you?" I ask, all of us laughing.
She blushes hard, covering her face. "God, it's so sad. I'm in love with my best friend and he will never see me as more than a little sister."
"Never say never." Whit tells her, "Does he even know you're into him that way? Or have you just been dropping hints for years?"
"Dropping hints for years, definitely that option," Karina admits, moving her hands away from her face. "I'm too chicken. It's just...never been that way for us. He doesn't need to deal with me making it awkward just because he's been so great to me since we were kids."
"You'll never know if you don't give him a chance to explore it, though. Yeah, it might make things wierd at first, but...it might not. If nothing else, you'll get peace of mind and hopefully - still have your best friend when the dust clears." I say, holding out my wrist for Whitney to press the paper she traced down onto my skin. I'm purposefully not looking at the design, because I want to be surprised.
I trust her.
"We'll see." She hiccups, "No promises, because I really...I don't want to lose him. He means way too much to me."
"Okay, we won't push you. I think we need more context, too. There's definitely a lunch in our future where you give us the whole story." Calli tells her.
"Deal. Now back to you, Shayla. Do you feel that way about him?"
"I don't know. We've been hot and cold with each other. I can't tell y'all everything but...it's hard to say because there's more to think about than if we work well together."
"Okay, well separate all that other stuff for now, and just answer this," Whit talks with her tattoo gun poised over my skin, "If nothing else mattered, if this was an alternate reality where the only thing you had to worry about was if you wanted someone...would you choose Dylan?"
The quiet buzz of the tattoo gun and the small pinch of pain I feel when it touches my skin throws Whit's question into super-focus.
Would I?
Of the men I've dated and people I've encountered...could I really see myself picking him? I run through scenes of us in my head, hearing his laughter and feeling his touch like he's right next to me. I hear him supporting me and the brush of his kisses across my forehead.
I think of that first night we met, how I thought that it would be a one-time thing and now here we are. That couldn't have been a coincidence, right?
Maybe he was put in my path for a reason.
So what am I still fighting? We can make our own rules, even when the arrangement ends. It won't be easy...but it just might be worth it.
"I would," I answer quietly, finally. "I would choose him."
"Then that's all you need to know," Calli answers this time. "If you'd pick him, and assuming he'd pick you too, then y'all move hell and high water to make sure that you get each other."
"Yep." Whitney agrees, making precise strokes on my skin. It doesn't hurt, which I'm surprised about. It's more like background noise. I know she's doing it, but it's not insistent enough for me to focus on it.
I know what I need to do, and I'm not going to overthink it.
All I can is be honest with him, and let the chips fall where they may.
20
Shayla
Calli took a car to my place, so we leave Whitney's separately, saying our goodbyes inside. I exchange numbers with a few of the women and Whitney, Karina, Calli and I make plans to have lunch next week. On the car ride home, I run through different ways to tell Dylan what I've been thinking and what I realized tonight, but I don't settle on any- thing. It's just comforting to imagine the conversation in my head so I can be even a little prepared for his reaction.
He was the one to put a pin in things the last time we slept together, so I don't know how he'll react. I don't know what he's thinking, but I guess it's time to find out.
Me: Hey, you up?
Dylan Hunter: A you up text? Damn
I smirk, shaking my head as if he can see me.
Me: In your dreams. I just wanted to talk before bed, if you're not in for the night already
Dylan Hunter: Nah, just watching some game tape in the TV room
Me: Cool, I'll be home in ~10 minutes
Dylan Hunter: