by Aja Cole
I might not have handled things perfectly, but I won't take the heat for a problem that wasn't of my making. That's something he's going to have to want to change for himself and I can't make him do it.
Knowing that hasn't stopped the hurt, though.
My period has always been fairly regular, so I'm still hoping that it's going to pop up any second now and I can chuck this test out the window. Maybe Aunt Flo is just having a small siesta and she'll come along soon. But I know there was at least one time that we slipped up and didn't use a condom. I'd gotten into the habit of keeping track of my fertile stages since birth control wreaked such havoc on me when I was on it. The odds were pretty low, but I've been having all my period symptoms but no period for a week now and I'm getting nervous.
Pregnancy didn't even cross my mind until I googled it. I ignored WebMD because it probably would've still suggested that I had cancer.
But in a few pregnancy forums, women said that was their clue to take a test and...here we are.
"Well you know we're all here for you if you need us, but I know you want some space."
"I know. I appreciate it, but yeah...I just need to process without everyone being worried."
"We're going to still worry, but from afar." She corrects me.
"I appreciate it."
"Okay babydoll, I'll let you go...but I think you two should talk at some point. You thought enough of him to brave telling your mom and me, so you clearly felt something."
"It takes two...he has to want it to work, too. I can't carry us by myself."
"You're my niece, he'd be crazy to not want it to work with you." Her voice is light but I can hear the sincerity, too. "Regardless, I'm very proud of you Shayla. I hope you get everything you want, and more."
That makes me tear up and I swallow hard before I tell her I love her and get off the phone before I breakdown and tell her what I'm doing. I set the phone down and give myself a pep talk in the mirror, bracing my hands on the counter and staring myself down.
"Okay, you know what? Let's get this over with, okay? It's just a little test, nothing to be afraid of. Whatever it says, we'll deal with it." I'm back to looking tired again. it's really not a good look on me. My eye bags get really pronounced and I start to resemble the walking dead.
My eyes slide to my phone again.
Yeah, I don't think I can do this.
My doorbell rings and I hop up from the couch, wincing because my boobs are really fucking sore. Damn. It's like every movement sends a painful bolt to my nipples.
I check the peephole and open it, letting them in.
"Did you take it already?"
"No, I wanted to wait until you got here."
"Come here." Dylan holds his arms open and I walk into them, laying my head on his chest and hugging him tightly. I sink into his embrace like we didn't say all those things to each other at the pool, and for a second, that slips away from my mind too. "You're not alone, whatever happens." He talks into my hair, and I can't stop my lip from trembling.
"Thanks." I sniff, blinking my eyes hard and pulling away. "Alright, I guess the longer we wait..."
"Yeah." He remembers to take his shoes off on the mat by the front door, and he follows me to my bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed. To his credit, he looks way less terrified than I am.
When I thought about taking it, I realized that I should probably at least let him know. If it's negative, maybe it would've been better to not say anything before I found out, but I don't know...it just felt like the right thing to do and I couldn't ignore the little voice in my head that said he'd want to know that it'd crossed my mind.
When I called him and told him what I suspected, he didn't hesitate for a second. He just told me that he was on the way and asked if I needed him to bring anything.
"I guess I'll just wait for you out here."
"I'll uh, pee on it," I clear my throat, a little embarrassed. "Then we can wait. I think this one says it should take less than 3 minutes."
"Cool, cool." He clasps his hands in his lap, and I go to the bathroom and close the door. Opening the box, I skim over the instructions and uncap it, doing my business and then holding it under my stream at the end for five seconds as the instructions say.
I don't know what I want, but I guess it doesn't really matter at this point. It's going to say whatever it's going to say.
Finishing, I cap it and squirt on some hand sanitizer in one hand and grab the stick in the other. Back in the bedroom, I set it on my dresser and rub in the sanitizer.
"I started a timer for three minutes when you came out," Dylan says, and I nod, my chest tight.
"Good. Nice. That was a good idea."
"Yeah."
Then, silence.
Then, we both start to speak.
"You go ahead."
"No, it's fine, what were you saying?" I sit next to him, with a good foot of space between us.
"I'm sorry for acting that way about the job. It's great that you're trying something new. I really hope that you enjoy it."
Well, I wasn't expecting that.
"Thanks. I don't think California is going to be home, but it'll be cool to visit for 6 months and get the experience. It's a really good marketing firm, too. They work with some pretty cool clients."
"If..." he gestures to the pregnancy test, like he's scared to say it out loud.
I know the feeling.
But I know what he's getting at.
"Honestly, I don't know. Didn't get that far."
"Right." He lowers his head, and I'm rolling words around in my head, trying to figure out how to say everything I'm thinking but then the timer goes off.
I don't think we had to wait the full three minutes, but I think it was more comforting not to be checking it every second.
I get up to grab it, but Dylan stops me, grabbing my hand. Linking his fingers through mine, he stands and we move towards the nightstand together.
I pick it up, bringing it closer to both of us and holding it in the middle so he can see it, too.
Not Pregnant.
All the air goes out of me like a deflated balloon, and I drop to the floor, sitting down heavily.
"Wow." I breathe, my thoughts racing.
"Damn." He breathes next to me, sitting down too. We both lean against the bed, processing our own thoughts, I guess.
"I think...I'm a little disappointed." He admits, looking at me. "Is that bad?"
"No...because I think I am, too." I put a name to the feeling. "It was scary to think about it, but...I felt like we could make it work? I don't know."
"Could it be too early?"
"I don't know. I guess if my period still doesn't come in the next few weeks, then I'll probably go to the doctor."
"Right."
Blowing out a breath, I stand. "Well, now you can really start fresh in Toronto. Don't have to worry about leaving a baby mama behind." I try to be light-hearted but I don't know if it sounds that way.
"I haven't decided about Toronto, yet." He digs his hands into his pockets.
"Why not? I thought it was a big deal, an honor."
"It is...but...I don't know if the trade-offs are worth it." His eyes flash with something that I don't want to examine too closely. "Maybe I don't need what they're offering."
"What do you need?"
"I'm still figuring that out."
It's not the answer that I was hoping for, and I feel stupid for even thinking that we were going to have some big revelation or he would suddenly change his mind about this. I'm still going to California for six months, and that will still be six months that he'll be wherever he is.
"Well, I'm sure you'll make the right choice."
"I hope so." We stare at each other a little too long, and I'm the first one to look away. "Well, if anything changes and you go to the doctor, let me know."
"I will. Of course." I start walking with him to the door, and it feels like deja vu because the last time we were standing lik
e this was the morning after we met.
"Goodnight, Shay."
"Night, Dylan."
I close the door behind him and lean against it.
Seeing him again was as hard as I expected it to be, but it was also...better.
I don't feel like crying.
The sadness is still there, but there's also a little more peace.
I don't know what's going to happen with us, but I can't worry about it.
Right now, that means focusing on making sure I have everything I need for California. I'm changing the way that I do things, and that's really all I can do. Rubbing my healed tattoo absently, I go to my room and return Whitney's calls and the texts from Karina and Calli.
It's time to stop hiding and move on with my life.
28
Shayla
The moment I walk into the restaurant, I swear I can feel Whitney glaring daggers at me and I've barely made it into the room. I don't even know where the hell she is, but like, I feel her.
"Are you meeting someone?" The hostess asks, and I give her Whitney's name. She leads me past the front area and to a table near the edge of the room.
"I'll bring the rest of your party back when they arrive." The hostess says, and I thank her. Whitney stands, pushing her shades to the top of her head.
"I should be shunning you right now. I was worried about you."
"I'm sorry. I just needed a little time, but I'm ready to talk now." I give her a hug and we sit. "Do you want a quick rundown before Karina and Calli get here, or..."
"Hell yeah. I know Karina, she's going to be late."
My phone pings and I glance at it. "Oh, Calli said she'll be here in less than ten minutes."
"Ten minutes too long, at least give me a summary."
"Okay...Dylan and I pretty much are done, I think. I thought I was pregnant but I'm not. I'm moving to California for a bit, but then I'll be back."
Whitney blinks at me, her jaw going slack a little bit.
"I almost wish I hadn't asked for a summary, because now I just have more questions."
"I only want to go over it once, so you'll have to occupy yourself with a drink until the girls get here."
Our waitress comes over, and I realize I haven't even looked at the menu, but I do order a Moscow Mule.
Soon enough, Calli and Karina arrive and we do all the hugs and greetings as everyone settles in. After we've gotten our appetizers and ordered our food, they all turn to me.
"Well girl, you've got some explaining to do," Calli says, drinking from her water. The other two murmur their agreement, and I start from the beginning.
I tell them everything, contract be damned. I don't think they're going to run to tell anyone, and honestly, I'm tired of withholding important information. For them to really get the full scope and understand everything that's been going on, they have to know the full story.
So, I tell them.
The first night we met at the bar.
Me agreeing to that crazy plan.
Trying to stay away from each other and keep it cordial and uninvolved.
The small moments we'd have together.
Failing at abstaining and sleeping together more than once.
Meeting his mom.
The rings.
Admitting how we really felt.
Telling my family.
It all falling apart in one night.
The mixed emotions we had about not being pregnant.
"And yeah...that's what happened. And now, I'm just trying not to dwell on it and telling myself that if we're meant to happen...we will."
They all do their silent imitations of hoot owls, staring at me for a long moment.
I know it's a lot to digest, so I cut into my french toast, swiping up a bit of mascarpone with syrup and popping it into my mouth.
"I would've never guessed." Whit mutters, drinking absently from her glass. "I mean, of course, we thought it was out of the blue but I met you and I just thought it was a whirlwind thing. I can't decide if I'm mad or impressed that Ben didn't say a word.”
"Well, he didn't know, not everything that I just told y'all, at least. I don't think Dylan's told anyone. Obviously, y'all can't either."
"Pity, I was going to get right on the phone with my contact at TMZ." Calli scoffs. "Girl, this is crazy!"
"Tell me about it."
"So what are you going to do?" Karina asks, propping her chin up on her hand.
"I don't think there's anything left for me to do, but that's why I wanted to get more perspective. Maybe y'all will see something that I don't."
"On one hand, I think you and Dylan complement each other so well. On another, I'm a little mad at him for not even wanting to try the distance." Whitney chews her waffle thoughtfully, her fork in the air as she thinks. "Did he say why?"
"I kind of get it." Calli chimes in, "I'm not built for distance. I mean, maybe if J ever had to leave after we were married but it's a pretty big risk for a new relationship depending on what each person needs."
"It would take a lot of trust, too. And compromise, and really good communication." Karina adds on.
"I'm not thinking it would be easy, but I was willing to try. It seemed like he already had his mind made up before talking to me, though. Me telling him about California kind of just sealed the deal."
"Congratulations, by the way. That should be really fun." Calli says. Karina and Whit add their congratulations too.
"Thanks, y'all, I'm excited. I'll admit that when I thought about the contract being up with Dylan, before I admitted my feelings, I was scared that I would lose the connections I've made too."
"You mean us?" Whit looks surprised, her red lips twisting into a frown. "Please, just because you and Dylan aren't a thing doesn't mean this friendship means anything less."
"Agreed." Calli says, "Don't worry, we're not going anywhere, no matter what happens with you two."
"And I barely know Dylan, so you know I'm sticking around." Karina winks at me, covering my hand with hers. "Good friends are a good find."
It seems that I've been tearing up a lot lately, but this time, they're grateful tears. It feels so damn good to feel like I'm not alone in this, especially since I've been holding so much back.
"I appreciate that, ladies." I steady my voice. "So you don't think I made the wrong decision?"
"I think you made the decision that you think is best for you. And you can't live your life around his and only what he wants, anyway. The same way he wants to go to Toronto for his career; you going to California is about you and your growth." This, from Calli.
"I hope that y'all can come to a compromise, but no, I think it's just a difficult situation and there's no right answer." Whitney motions for a refill of her iced tea. "But listen, if there's one thing I learned from everything Ben and I went through...meeting in the middle is the best thing you can do for your happiness sometimes. You're both going to have to give and find a balance."
"There's nothing to give if he's adamant about no long distance." Karina counters. Her eyes flash with emotion before she shutters it. "Sometimes, there's nothing you can do no matter how much you wish things were different."
"Right." I murmur, sighing. "Well, I just wanted to let y'all in the loop that I've been in. I didn't want to keep dodging your calls."
"We were this close to coming to kidnap you, but Karina was the voice of reason." Calli smiles sweetly.
"I actually want to do a few things before California, if y'all are up for it?"
"Like illegal things?" Whitney leans forwards, suddenly very interested.
"Preacher's kids are always the wildest, I swear." Karina raises her eyebrows and we laugh.
"Nothing illegal, sorry." I try to curb my laughter. "How do y'all feel about skydiving?"
29
Dylan
I adjust my collar in the mirror, taking a deep breath.
The trade deadline is only a few days away, and I don't know what I'm doing yet.
Every time I get a free second to think about things, I can't stop thinking about her.
I haven't even been sleeping in my own bed.
I've been sleeping in Shayla's old room because I can still smell the perfume she wears in there.
God, that night she called was a blessing and a curse.
It was great seeing her. I wanted to take her in my arms and not let her go the moment she opened the door, but getting to hug her was a good compromise.
If she'd been pregnant, I had a clear plan. I was going to stay in Atlanta because our families are closer to here and it would just make sense.
There was a little kernel of excitement just waiting to be set free if that test had confirmed her suspicions.
When it was negative, it felt like the wind was knocked out of me and everything wasn't so clear anymore.
Logically, I know that it was for the best because it's so early...but damn, my disappointment was real. It would've meant that I had to put aside everything else and think about what would be best for someone other than me...the little life that we would've made.
I guess in my mind, it would've let me off the hook of choosing.
Now? Nothing feels that simple.
I'm meeting with some of the guys from Toronto today, informally. Trent is over the moon about it, of course, but I'm still uneasy after what Jackson said.
Before he said anything, I thought I wanted the fast pace, the high expectations and most importantly - the recognition.
But his account and that of a few other guys I talked to all say the same thing.
What I'd be gaining in a boost to my career and ego, I'd be losing the easy camaraderie that I have with the guys here. The sense of being apart of something more than hockey...the closeness. Toronto seems way more cutthroat.
Atlanta is my second team, and having Harris offer me the chance for it to be my home as long as I want it to be barring anything crazy happening...the offer is tempting.
Leaving the bathroom, I'm walking towards the exit to the golf courses when I get an Instagram notification.