When had he fallen in love with Abby? Alec didn’t know, didn’t care. It had happened, and that was what was important. As he looked at her, he thought of the Polaroid photos of Abby that Tim had given him several days ago. Alec knew Tim was no stranger to being at sea; he’d commanded an eighty-two-foot Coast Guard cutter out of San Pedro, California. Long days at sea created homesickness for loved ones, and Tim knew that better than most, so he’d given Alec the precious gift of the photos. Tim was more than a liaison in Alec’s eyes. He was a friend. A good friend.
Whispering her name, Alec watched Abby slowly stir and awaken. He placed a series of warming, welcoming kisses upon her cheek and finally, on her lips. His heart burst with joy as her mouth opened beneath his and shared her heart with him. There was such trust between them, Alec marveled as he felt Abby’s arm slowly lift and then slide around his neck and pull him down upon her.
The dawn light dissolved in the gentle exploration Alec initiated with Abby. Each touch, each kiss, became more important, more necessary to remember and place in the vaults of his heart than ever before. Her glorious blue eyes shimmered with tears as he made slow, exquisite love with her until they fell exhausted and sated into each other’s arms afterward.
Abby snuggled close to Alec, weak with pleasure. His arms, strong and protective, came around her, and she sighed. The words I love you threatened to tear from her. She struggled to hold them back because she knew it would do nothing but make their parting even more difficult. Instead, she told him, “All my life I’ve believed in meeting head-on whatever was thrown at me. But this morning, I’m a coward, Alec. I didn’t want last night to end. And I didn’t want today to begin.”
“I understand,” he rasped, pressing her head against his chest and tunneling his fingers through her silky mass of hair. “And you’ve never been a coward, Abby. Not ever.” He kissed her hair and inhaled the musky, sweet fragrance that was only Abby. “We’re allowed to be frightened and scared right now. To deny it would deny what we’ve become to each other over the past few months.”
Abby nodded. How simple, how realistic Alec could become when necessary. “Is that your Russian heritage, the stoic acceptance of the future, speaking?”
He chuckled and caressed her damp cheek. “I’m sure it is. My people have suffered so badly in our history that we know how to suffer in eloquent, anguished silence.”
Abby raised up one arm and dissolved beneath Alec’s dark brown eyes which were alive with warmth for her alone. “I wish I had a little of your graceful acceptance.” She sat up and the pink floral sheet settled around her hips. “My American generation has had more given to them than any other. What I’m discovering is, I can’t handle defeat or setbacks like the older generations can.”
“Perhaps the parents of this country overindulged you as children.”
With a sad smile, Abby agreed. “We had everything handed to us on a silver platter and like thieves, we greedily took everything and ran away with it. We weren’t taught to share, to leave a little on that platter for someone else. Many of my generation don’t know hardship, Alec. We didn’t have wars or face the same deprivation and challenges our parents did which fostered internal courage and the strength with which to face adversity. We just don’t have the strength of past generations, and that worries me. I’m having trouble handling your leaving.”
“Our parting is a hardship,” Alec whispered. Sliding his hand down her arm, he smiled over at her. “I’m betting that your red hair has given you a genetic courage that your parents passed on to you.”
“Well,” she quavered, “I’m going to need every ounce of strength I can find.”
Whispering her name, Alec pulled her back into his arms. The tears in her eyes tore at him. How badly he wanted to tell Abby of his growing love for her, of the dreams he had of a future with her that could never be. As she settled beside him, he gently splayed his hands across her softly rounded belly. Abby would be a wonderful mother, and more than anything, Alec wanted her to have his children.
But they were dreams, broken dreams that were half formed by the wishful thinking of a heart that until this moment, had been barren. Alec struggled with the realization that those dreams would never come true. Drawing in a ragged breath, he kissed her deeply, feeling her fiery response, her passion coupled with desperation. The hours were falling away, dissolving beneath the harsh reality that he had to get up, shower and dress. He drowned one last time in the beauty, the fire and passion of the woman he loved more than life itself—because she had become his life. The Russian poet Baratynsky had been right about love being a sweet poison, but he was also poignantly correct about love opening Alec’s soul. Alec would never be sorry for loving Abby because she had touched his soul and brought life to him.
*
ABBY SWALLOWED HARD AND slowed her pace down the apartment sidewalk. Tim stood waiting by the government car at the curb next to her apartment, his face somber. Alec stood dressed in a dark blue business suit, his arm around her shoulders. The parting was worse than Abby could ever have imagined. She had worn sandals, a short-sleeved cotton blouse of pale lavender and a matching skirt that hung down to her ankles. The June morning was alive with the singing of birds, the sky a pale blue and cloudless. Everything around them shouted of life, of growth, from the colorful petunias bordering the apartment building behind them, to the leaves on the trees along the boulevard.
“Here,” Abby whispered to Alec, pulling a gift from the large pocket of her skirt. “This is for you….”
Touched, Alec opened the small white box. Inside was an antique gold-heart locket on a chain. He glanced down at Abby: her lower lip trembled, and she was fighting back the tears. The sight ripped him apart. “What is this?” he asked, holding the chain suspended between them.
“It was my grandmother’s, Alec. A long time ago in my country, when a woman wanted to give her heart to a man, she would cut a small lock of her hair and put it inside the locket and give it to him. It’s a keepsake, a wonderful way of always having something of the person you…like…near you.” She gestured toward the gift. “There’s a strand of my hair in there along with a picture of me on one side of the heart and a picture of you on the other. It’s old-fashioned, but I like a lot of things from the past.”
Alec carefully opened the locket. There was a color picture of Abby smiling and a small lock of her red hair, carefully curled on the other side on top of his photo. His voice was strained. “I’ll cherish your gift as I cherish you,” he said, then he swept her uncompromisingly into his arms.
“Oh, Alec,” Abby cried softly, clinging to him, never wanting to let him go.
Words were useless. Alec knew time was draining away from them minute by anguished minute. He eased away from her enough to put the locket in the breast pocket of his coat. Gripping Abby by the shoulders, he winced as tears flowed unchecked down her drawn cheeks. Her eyes were marred with such agony that he drew in a broken breath.
“Moya edinstvenaya, my only one. You’ll always be that to me. Never forget that.” He leaned down and kissed her fiercely, giving her his fire, his life, his essence as a parting memory to hold forever in her heart. Tearing his mouth from hers, Alec spun around, blindly heading for the car.
Abby stood on the sidewalk, watching Tim open the door for Alec and then, as the Coast Guard car drove away, she watched Alec’s profile disappear from view.
“Abby?”
It was Susan. Abby trembled as she slowly turned to face her best friend. There was such sympathy in Susan’s eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” Susan whispered, and she came forward, throwing her arms around Abby, holding her tightly. “So sorry….”
*
“WHERE ARE YOU GOING NOW?” Susan wanted to know as she entered Abby’s apartment and looked at the suitcases strewn around the living room floor.
Abby looked up and gave her a strained smile. “Alaska. It’s July—time for me to whale-watch in the Bering Sea again. According
to my scientist friends in Baja, most of the humpbacks and gray whales left with their calves by early March, so I need to get to Anchorage to work with Captain Stratman aboard the Argonaut again.”
Susan leaned against the doorjamb. Across the hall, the door to her apartment was open and laughter from Courtney and Tim drifted out. Abby wore a pair of jeans, hiking boots and a white cotton blouse. The color of the blouse matched her pale skin. Worried, Susan asked, “Have you heard from Alec lately?”
“Yes. He’s back aboard the Udaloy. Nothing new there.”
“Maybe you can arrange to meet him on the Bering Sea?”
Abby shook her head. “I doubt it. Alec can’t write about military ship movements. The Soviet hierarchy considers that top secret, you know.” With a sigh, she pinned her thick mass of hair back with a banana clip so it resembled a horse’s mane behind her head. “It would be nice if we could meet, but I don’t hope for that kind of thing.”
Gently, Susan said, “Abby, are you all right? I know how much you love Alec….”
Abby carried her wardrobe bag to the couch and laid it across the cushions. In a strained voiced filled with surprise she asked, “How do you know I love him?”
Susan closed the door and came over to Abby. “It’s been written all over you for as long as you’ve known Alec.”
Rubbing her temple, Abby glanced over at her friend. “I was the last to know it, Susan. I realized it the second time he came here unexpectedly. Then, it was so hard not to tell him I loved him.”
“Why didn’t you?”
Abby sat on the couch, her hands dangling between her legs. “Why burden him with that knowledge?”
Susan sat next to her and placed an arm around Abby’s drooped shoulders. “Why not burden him with it?”
“Because Alec’s caught in the vise of what his navy wants him to do. After her returned to Moscow, Alec tried to get a transfer to the Kremlin to work with Colonel Surin, but he was turned down. After all the wonderful things Alec has done for glasnost, you’d think he’d be rewarded!”
“The Soviet Union isn’t the United States,” Susan agreed glumly.
Anger filtered into Abby’s voice as she opened her knapsack, which served as her purse. “They’re so backward in so many ways! Alec opened a lot of doors for them. Right now, the SOWF is working at establishing a branch office in Moscow. You’d think his government would have Alec there to help it happen. But no, they put him back on that miserable ship out in the middle of nowhere.”
Abby sat there, her hands crumpling the knapsack. Tears stung her eyes. “Dammit, I’m crying again! Look at me, Susan. Ever since Alec left, I’ve been nothing more than a crybaby!” She searched for a tissue in the pocket of her jeans, found one and dabbed her eyes with it.
Rubbing her shoulder, Susan nodded. “You’ve got to keep up the hope, Abby. The Soviet Union is undergoing such lightning-fast changes that they may allow Alec to come back here again for more public-relations duties.”
Blowing her nose, Abby muttered, “I don’t dare hope those kinds of things when it comes to Alec.”
“Tim has held out hope for Courtney and me,” Susan said softly, hurting for her friend. “Even when things got rough and I started getting scared, he kept the hope alive for all of us. Now look at me—I’m learning new tools in therapy, and I’m able to start differentiating between Tim and Steve. Because Tim had faith, things changed, Abby. I’m a believer in dreams of the future now, believe me.” She laughed and held up her hands in a sign of peace. “Me! The yuppie-generation girl who used to work seventy hours a week. Now, I work forty hours instead, have my weekends free to play and I love it! But if Tim hadn’t doggedly and patiently been there to point out these things, and if I hadn’t had the courage to make those changes, I’d still be on that greed treadmill.”
Abby couldn’t argue with Susan’s logic. “I’m just glad you and Tim have taken the hurdles like you have.”
Susan smiled a secret smile. “Guess what?”
“What?”
“He’s taking us home to meet his parents in Dallas two weeks from now. I love how old-fashioned he is, Abby. Tim never lost the sense of family or what it means, like many of us did. I’m finding that it’s giving me structure and framework to not only get back on my feet, but to stand on my own.”
Gripping Susan’s hand, Abby forced a smile. “I’m so happy for you and Courtney. You’re right, if you hadn’t pulled yourself up by your own bootstraps, none of this would have happened. Tim supported your belief you could change for the better.”
“I love him, Abby. I love him so much, I hurt inside.”
How well Abby knew that feeling. Holding Susan’s hand and seeing the fear mixed with joy in her eyes, she understood. “Have you told him that?”
“No…not yet.”
“Has he told you he loves you?”
“Yes.”
Abby’s eyes widened. “He did? When? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Shyly, Susan shrugged. “Last evening he told me over dinner. I lost my appetite, Abby. I just sat there with this stupid look on my face. I got scared. Real scared.” She smiled a little. “But Tim’s taught me about hope. Hope for a better, happier future.”
Thrilled, Abby threw her arms around Susan. “Oh, that’s wonderful! Just wonderful!” She embraced her friend and then released her. “No one deserves happiness more than you and Courtney.”
Gripping Abby’s hand, which was cool to her touch, Susan said gently, “And so do you, Abby. Don’t give up the love you have for Alec. Just look at me and what’s happening because I maintained hope and trust.”
Sadly, Abby smiled. “Don’t worry, I have all kinds of hope. At night in my dreams, I see Alec. I’m with him in them. When I wake up in the morning, reality drenches me and I try to balance my beautiful inner world of dreams and what I wish could be against the logic of my awake world.”
“Just don’t give up, Abby. Not ever.”
“I won’t,” she reassured Susan shakily. “With the fall session of Congress convening soon, I’m going to be working very closely with the SOWF lobbyist and certain congressmen who are leaning toward enforcing the whale legislation. I’ll be very busy the next six months, believe me. I won’t have time to think too much or too long about Alec.”
“Next January you go down to Baja for the whale calving, don’t you?”
She nodded. “My favorite time of year. I love watching the babies being born in those beautiful turquoise waters. I understand the Soviets are going to allow Dr. Belov, one of their top marine biologists, to join me on board the ship.”
“See, all this hard work you and Alec did together earlier this year is paying off.”
Abby wanted to be happy about it, but couldn’t. The tunnel of grief she was just now starting to come out of had proved a long and tortuous journey alone. The only antidote, if there was such a thing, was working long, hard hours. She had rationalized her extreme measures by telling herself she would have less time to think, to feel about Alec.
Perhaps, going to Anchorage again would help, but Abby knew it was simply going to dredge up all the old feelings, the memories of when she’d first met Alec.
“At least,” Susan added, “Dr. Turner resigned from the State Department recently.”
Abby shrugged. “Can you imagine giving certain PAC lobbyists preferential treatment on overseas deals? I never did trust her.”
“The morals and values of some of our politicians and government officials has sunk to an all-time low. I hear she’s taken a teaching position at some college in Montana.”
“A good place for her,” Abby said. “Out of sight, out of mind. I wish all my enemies would disappear like that, but they won’t.” She stood. “The man who replaced her probably isn’t going to be any different in political attitude than she was. Sometimes,” Abby said with a sigh, “I get tired, Susan. Tired of fighting city hall.”
Getting to her feet, Susan nodded. “You’re tired for a lot o
f reasons, Abby. It’s been a hard year on you so far. But look at what’s been accomplished. So much good has come out of it. You’re reaching people.”
“Yes, but there’s so much more I have to do before—”
“What you have to do,” Susan interrupted, “is take a break. Relax, for a while. Promise me that before you leave for Anchorage, you’ll have lunch with the three of us and just relax.”
“Sure.” Maybe being with people who had some happiness in their lives would help balance out what was lacking in her own. And maybe going to Alaska would help her heal. Maybe.
*
“YOU’RE AWFUL QUIET, ABBY,” Captain John Stratman said, glancing at her from the helm. Ahead of them in the dusk, the Bering Sea just south of Kodiak Island looked like smooth, flawless glass.
Abby stirred from the bolted-down chair that she sat on, scanning the horizon for the telltale plumes of whales blowing as they surfaced in the ocean. “It’s been a quiet week, hasn’t it?” On the console in front of her was a copy of Almost at the End by Yevgeny Yevfushenko, a popular Russian writer. The book was a collection of prose and poems by a man who was obviously pro-glasnost. Abby was reading it because it made her feel closer to Alec. She wanted to better understand the world he lived in. During the quiet moments, she would keep John company on the bridge, read her books and then scan the sea with binoculars, hunting for the pods of whales.
“Humph. It’s late October and nary a whaler in sight. I’m gettin’ bored,” John grumbled.
With a slight smile, Abby rested the heavy binoculars in her lap. “I think the whalers have gotten the message. At least, for this year.” Even now, the Bering Sea area was preparing for the coming winter. The whales were turning south to begin their annual five-thousand-mile migration to Baja, Mexico, to spend the winter in the warm lagoon waters and then birth their calves in January and February.
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