But this was just too much.
I was vaguely aware of a conversation taking place behind me. All of my attention was back on my brother. I tried to ignore the way the red leaking out of him made my hands sticky. With shaking fingers I gently moved his greasy hair away from his eyes. Now a dulled swamp colour, they refused to stay shut.
I could hardly imagine the pain Liam must have been suffering the whole time we'd been here. Enjoying ourselves. Having fun. I had let it slip my mind for too long. For some reason I just never thought they'd be torturing him.
I had assumed confinement. I had assumed death.
This was much, much worse.
I flinched away from the hand that landed lightly on my shoulder.
"Don't touch me."
"Rosa, I didn't know."
"I said don't touch me!" I shrieked.
Did he not realise that Liam's blood was still coating his hands? For once he looked like what he actually was.
A murderer.
A killer.
A cold-blooded psychopath.
Even now he didn't look all that sorry for what he'd done. For what he'd done to Liam. An innocent man who'd only ever tried to take care of his sisters. Protect his broken mother. Nathaniel only seemed mildly distressed that it had upset me. How had I never noticed this side of him before?
Just past his shoulder I could see his parents. They would have known. I could tell just by looking at them. None of this was a surprise to them. They'd brought me down here hoping to destroy me. I couldn't yet tell if they'd succeeded.
There was something predatory in their combined gaze that set me even more on edge. If that was even possible.
With one last look at what used to be my brother, I kissed his cold cheek, tasting his blood on the edge of my lips, and settled him gently on the floor. I pushed myself up to my feet, tipping slightly on my wobbly legs. The shock had settled in and kept the sobbing at bay. For now.
"I have to go see Gabby," I muttered weakly, shoving my way through the trio and trying to open the door. My reddened hands slipped before gripping the handle tight enough to turn it.
"You've got nothing left to run to Rosa." I froze at the sound of John's voice. Is that what this was about? Some sick way to make me feel like I had to stay? To keep me obedient?
If anything this did the opposite.
And they were wrong, I did have somewhere else to run. Rae's face filtered through my fractured mind. I tried to keep my expression still. I found it wasn't too hard when all I could breathe was the metallic scent of Liam's blood.
"I'm not going to run." I sounded weak, defeated.
"Of course not. I'm sure you wouldn't dream of it," the dark tone in Trisha's voice hardly registered. It was going to take more than vague threats to reach me now.
Without saying anything else I pulled the door open and tried my best to remember the way out of here.
I tried to think of how I was going to tell Gabby. How I was going to be able to get the words out of my mouth.
I sprinted harder to drive the thinking from my head.
The closer I got to the top of the last flight of stairs the harder I found it to breathe. But I kept going.
Liam was dead.
Liam.
Dead.
I kept seeing it in my mind.
The oddly bent and too prominent joints.
The lack of movement where there should have been breathing.
The faded colour of his eyes, missing the vibrancy of life.
If I could have carved a hole in my brain to help ease this feeling I would have done it in a heartbeat.
✽✽✽
I was tearing through the hallways by the time I reached the living quarters. Reckless energy filled my body. If I hadn't been pushing myself to run faster, move faster, go faster, I would have hit something. Broken something. Or someone.
I could only hope at this point that Gabby was actually up here. She was going to work in the armoury the last time I'd seen her, but this was were my legs took me. And there was no way I'd be able to keep myself together if I was in a room full of these people. A room filled with weapons. I could barely hold back from kicking the wall. The need to do something with the emotional turmoil flying throughout my body was almost stronger than I could handle.
"Gabby!" I called out past my harsh breathing as I ran. No response. I repeated this as I ran down three more passages and was beginning to lose hope when I heard a muffled response coming from my right. I slammed my way through the next set of doors and was relieved to see my sister sitting on the edge of a bed, pencil and notebook in hand.
She was in her new room, of course. If I'd been thinking properly I would have been able to figure out where that was. We'd been separated only a few days ago, and this whole branch of OTF felt like a horrible maze. Designed to confuse me, trap me.
"Gabby, we need to go now!" I struggled to get the words out. I panted so hard I was practically coughing.
"What? Hey, what happened?" She dropped what she was holding and jumped to my side, steadying me with her hands.
"Rosa, explain." After a few seconds of me struggling to catch my breath she began to lead me to the medic room at the end of the hallway. I hadn't realised how hard I'd been pushing myself until I tried to walk at a normal pace and my legs almost gave out beneath me. The adrenaline had finally abandoned me. Now that I'd found her and she was with me. And I knew they couldn't hurt her without me knowing.
When we reached the room Gabby forced me to sit and take a few gulps of lukewarm water that had been left in a pitcher by the door. After I'd finished half of the glass I was finally steady enough to form full sentences without panting so hard it felt like my lungs were trying to escape. I tried not to be phased by the sticky red fingerprints I was leaving on the glass.
“Rosa, why are you covered in blood?"
"We have to get out of here. Immediately." I stood up from my position seated on the edge of a cot and took a step towards the door. I was intent on going back to our rooms and grabbing what little we could call our own. I'd drag her out the door with me if I had to.
"Why?"
"It's not safe."
"What do you mean? Rosa calm down, you're not making any sense."
I turned from the door and looked down at where my sister still sat, the spot I'd occupied next to her empty but for a few red smudges on the white sheet. My mind struggled with what I had to do. What I had to say. My throat closed up in denial of the words.
I sank back down next to her.
"They got Liam." I realised my mistake at once as I saw the excitement blossom over her features.
"What? Oh my god, that's unbelievable! Really? He's here?"
"No, Gabby," my voice hitched in my throat.
"But you said they 'got Liam'. How else could they have 'got' him?" I knew she was smart enough to figure it out, I had to be covered in blood for a reason. She'd seen me earlier and knew it couldn't have been mine. But I also knew she would never want to accept such a horrid thing. She needed to hear it from me. She needed to hear the words spoken out loud. It took all of my will power to meet her gaze with my wet eyes.
"They got him," I took a deep breath, "and they killed him."
Those were the hardest seven words I'd ever had to say in my entire life.
And I never wanted to utter them again.
I couldn't stand it. Seeing the way they broke my sister. Ripped her soul right out from inside her chest and shoved it through a shredder.
She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around me, holding me tight.
And together we cried.
We'd lost so much. Our father died trying to protect our people. Our mother lost herself trying to deal with the pain of the world she was left in. Our brother died trying to protect us to his very last breath. We had left our only home behind.
We had nothing now.
Nothing but grief.
Nothing but pain.
Nothing but
each other.
SEVENTEEN
We couldn't trust the people surrounding us anymore. We shouldn't have from the start. Now we'd gotten ourselves trapped in a pit filled with our enemies. Locked underground with them.
And it was my fault.
Despite our urge to leave we knew it probably wouldn't be that easy. Not with what we knew. No one was supposed to know they even existed. And we couldn't just walk out of there. We didn't even know how to find the exit. They hadn't trusted us with that knowledge yet. Even after we'd been there for so long. That should have been our first clue that something wasn't quite right with this place.
It was easier to believe such a pretty pretend than it was to face the ugly truth.
It was easier to let ourselves think we were safe than accept we'd walked into a snake pit.
It occurred to me that it would be harder to get out of here than it was to get out of Palla. Here they were watching us. Here we were under the controlled eye of many. It was a risk. And I knew now that the consequences would be deadly.
We couldn't leave, so we'd have to pretend. We'd have to enter back into that dream world where everything was okay.
It would have been easier were it not for the memories that swarmed around me like bees. Stinging me with the face of a brother I was never going to see again.
I didn't even know what they were going to do with his body.
After we'd cried out the worst of our grief, we went to my room and I cleaned up the best I could. Shed the bloodied Xiet uniform in favour of the camo shirt and pants we'd been issued. I wasn't sure which I felt worse wearing. Both groups had been responsible for countless horrors.
But one was painted with Liam's death.
Darkened red with the absence of his life.
And despite my pain I was going to have to dress like I belonged here. Act like I belonged here.
Unable to play this game on my own, I followed Gabby to the armoury and sat by her side. I helped her inspect the weapons. Shudders periodically ran down my spine at the thought of what they had planned for these instruments of pain and death. At what they'd been used for.
We worked in silence, waiting until it was late enough for us to escape to Gabby's room. I didn't want to go back to mine and face the bloodstained clothes on the floor. I didn't want to spend the night away from my sister.
We skipped dinner for the first time since our abrupt arrival a few weeks earlier. I knew we needed to get some food and rest if we wanted to be able to do anything at this point. But I no longer felt much desire for such things.
I wanted to hurt someone.
No. Not just someone.
I wanted to hurt the person responsible for all of this. The whole damn family of people responsible. I felt sick to my stomach that I'd ever had any kind of feelings for someone capable of such cold-heartedness. Such sickening cruelty. Such evil.
Nathaniel.
I felt so betrayed by him. I'd trusted him to keep me and my family safe. To protect us. He'd known that they'd accused my brother. He had known and he was still so quick to dole out a punishment worse than a bullet to the head.
He was just so heartless.
Even with everything I'd seen in my life I'd never been witness to such first hand violence. It was one thing to see bombs explode a building full of people, a bullet rip through skin. It was another entirely to see someone beat the life out of another person with their own two hands. A person who meant everything to you.
I couldn't stop thinking about how this was my fault.
I was the one who'd convinced my sister that we needed to run away. That we needed to leave.
I'd abandoned Liam to suffer with no one to look to for help.
I should have stayed. I should have holed up in that stupid hotel room and kept out of sight of the rest of Palla. I should have supported him, stood up for him when he was knocked off his feet.
But no.
I didn't.
I couldn't see past the value of my own pathetic life.
And now there was no question about it. Liam was dead.
God only knew what had happened to my mother. Or Rae. I could only hope they were still okay. That I'd be able to find them. Eventually. Soon. Before it was too late.
But hope had not proved to be a reliable thing.
I was all too aware of the empty space that blanketed out between the people I loved and me. The heat. The painful, searing heat. The nothingness. The broken homes. At least now we were nearing the season for rain. Time had passed without forgiveness as I hid from everything in a converted underground water treatment facility. And it continued to move no matter how much I wanted to force it still.
Though the rain might have actually been even worse than the sun. Unable to keep dry or warm who knew what kind of illnesses or infections we could acquire.
We wouldn't get very far without help. The very idea of finding someone in this nightmare that we could somehow trust to help us made my head hurt. I just wanted to lie down and never have to stand back up again.
I'd briefly entertained the idea that Isabel would help. That she'd think this was wrong and help us escape. But there was still a dark mark left from her brother's blood on the council walls.
These people had rescued her. Given her a way to fight back. Liam had been a part of the crowd that stood by while her brother was murdered.
Who was she really going to show loyalty to?
The world was a cruel place. These people not only claimed they were helping us, but they believed it too. The look I'd seen in Nathaniel's eyes… I knew he felt bad about what he did. But he clearly didn't regret it. Maybe he thought it would make me more focused. To have no more ties to the place where I grew up. To have nothing I valued more than this horrific excuse of a rescue program. Maybe he didn't believe me. Maybe he truly thought Liam was a Xiet.
Maybe he was a Xiet.
That night I only managed to get a couple of hours of restless sleep, curled into Gabby's side. We hadn't slept like that since I was child, and I struggled a bit at first, now that I was taller than her. But we both craved the closeness. We needed the reassurance that the other was right there. Breathing. Heart beating.
To say I was surprised to see Nathaniel sitting at our normal breakfast table, when I dragged myself sleepily into the room, would have been a serious understatement. But there he sat talking with Isabel, like nothing had even happened. What the hell was he doing?
I couldn't even look at him. I turned my attention instead to the serving table, covered with a smattering of trays. Tried my best to keep the tears at bay.
I didn't even notice that my fists were clenched so hard that they were shaking. The pinch of my nails digging into my palms snapped my attention back.
Most of the breakfast trays had been taken, leaving only a few remaining for the late-comers. We'd waited as long as we could before we came down that morning. I had hoped that we'd have been able to avoid seeing Nathaniel at all.
Clearly I'd been wrong.
I grabbed a tray for myself and walked through the line to get it loaded up with our vitamin enriched breakfast goop. My eyes wandered the room, pointedly not looking towards a certain person, as I searched for a place to sit. Gabby stood close to my side, and I could tell by the set of her shoulders that she was doing the same thing. The hostility that emanated from us was intense. But attacking Nathaniel, the son of both of the leaders in this place, was not going to help us.
Even if he had killed our big brother.
In front of me.
In cold blood.
A lump formed in my throat and my eyes watered just thinking about him.
Liam.
The way he'd looked lying there completely shattered, mind and body.
The way he had looked back when we were all still at home.
One of the last good days we'd had as a family, before this whole mess started, looped through my head.
Mum was having one of her good days and was shar
ing stories with us about our early childhood. I loved it when she did this. Those days were good in terms of what she expected from the world. She seemed to know the limits more, though she was still trapped in her grief.
That day it had been different. It was like a veil had been lifted from her eyes, and she could see us. She could finally see us as we were. She told us stories of our childhood with Dad. She talked to us like we were a normal family reminiscing over the good times lost to the past. But talking about him so much had reminded her that something missing from our family portrait.
It hurt to see her so confused. So lost. Grief had twisted her mind and I was beginning to wonder if there was more to it than I knew or could ever hope to understand.
Liam was always so good with her. Unlike me he never once lost his temper, no matter what mood she was in. Even when she was really far gone and thought he was Dad. He would talk to her calmly. Sweetly. Tell her she needed to rest. Take a nap. Have an early night. He would take care of the kids for her.
And he always did. He always took care of us.
He told me stories to help me get to sleep when I was still a little girl. And when I grew sick of the fairytales he'd invented his own. Sometimes Gabby would come and join us. But normally this was our time. Where we'd make a whole world, far better than the one we'd been stuck in. One far from the borders that confined us. We'd get lost in our imaginations, and more often than not we'd end up talking until late into the night. It was an impractical way to put me to sleep but I'd missed it as we got older. But we'd both had responsibilities to take care of. Things that were far more important than childish games.
My days were spent scavenging through the city. Trying to find anything that might be useful, or that we could hand in to the council for some kind of payment.
His were spent making sure we lived to see the next day. Keeping us fed. Doing everything in his power to make life better for us. To keep us safe.
I should have been doing the same for him.
I wondered if he was in a place like the ones we dreamed of as children.
I was dragged out of my thoughts when I heard my name called out.
Bright Cold Day Page 15