"You probably don't remember much of Mum from before." I knew from the tone of her voice what she meant. I was still young when our father had died and Mum was forever changed. I had very few memories of her from before that point. Younger me had always been more eager to remember the things I'd shared with my dad, not realising that I'd practically lost my mum too. Lost her as she was before.
I shook my head slightly.
"She was a good mum," Gabby looked away, back out over the skyline. I watched her take in a deep, shuddering breath before she continued.
"She loved you. Us. All of us. When you were a baby she would spend hours singing to you whenever there was an attack. I don't know if she ever became aware of it, but her little calming routine worked on all of us, not just the baby. She'd never wanted you to experience the terror and panic the attacks infused in everyone else. She lived in fear that you'd grow up never understanding what it was to be happy. So she'd sing to you, all night if that's what it took. Every time," her voice faded off and she hummed a little tune under her breath. It seemed familiar, though I couldn't place it. It must have been Mum's song.
"She always knew exactly what to do to help me. Schoolwork, friendships, fighting with Liam, being afraid of the Xiets. You name it. She was an expert. She was the one who taught me how to cook you know." She looked back at me, meeting my eyes with her own watery ones.
"She was a genius at using our rations wisely and still making food that tasted good. It's one of the reasons I still love to do it now. When everything else is turning to shit I have hope I can make something good enough to give people a little more energy, a little more willpower, to keep pushing through."
"You always do." It was my turn to comfort her now. My arm went around her shoulders and we leaned against each other, drawing on each others energy.
"I miss her," I murmured into the sun. I wasn't sure if I missed the her being described to me, the her from the vague memories housed in my own grief fuelled brain, or the broken her who believed the world was better than it was. Maybe it was a combination of the three. Every version was one part of the whole. She was my mum. You only got one of those. And I hadn't made the most of it.
"Me too."
Our voices were quiet as we talked for the next few hours. It was a still day outside and the sun shone brightly down on everything. It was the wrong weather for this type of thing. Or maybe it was just more proof of how horrible the universe was. Everything seemed pleased by our misery. Even the damn sky.
I watched the figures in the distance as they finally moved away from the gravesite. Slowly they trickled out of my vision.
I suddenly felt overwhelmingly trapped. I rested my palm on the glass and briefly wondered if this was what a fish felt like when it was stuck swimming around in a glass bowl. Boxed in behind walls of glass. Unable to experience the world just beyond that transparent border.
My heart fluttered in my chest. We were never going to be allowed outside during the daytime if we stayed here. We'd been running a high risk during the night as it was. The knowledge that everyone outside this room, bar one person, wanted us dead sank into my heart. The entire world couldn't just be this. My mind jumped around, searching for another option, and landed at the other countries Nathaniel had mentioned.
The ones that had forgotten about us.
The ones that had chosen to forget.
There had to be somewhere we could go. Someone who cared. We just had to find it. My stomach flipped at the thought. It hadn't exactly worked out too well for us the last time we'd tried.
I pushed the thought to the edge of my mind. Last time we'd acted on fear. We had thought there were Xiets around every corner. This time we knew what was out there. Or at least we had a better idea of what we'd face.
It wasn't like we could realistically stay in Palla anyway. Everyone in the city wanted us dead. Our ration boxes would be cancelled too, since no one lived in our house anymore. As far as Palla was concerned my family no longer existed.
If we stayed then we'd starve. Or someone would find us and we'd be shot.
I let out a small sigh and pushed against the building tension that spread through my chest.
If everyone was out to get us then where were we supposed to go?
Hours passed until finally the sun began to set. I was jostled to attention as Gabby hoisted herself up and out of the spot where she'd been sleeping, nestled into the corner of the couch. Her back cracked loudly as she stretched.
"I'm going to go see how much food we have left. Try and figure out how long I can make it last."
I nodded as she squeezed her small frame out of the room. She'd decided to use the opposite room as her kitchen, despite the lack of supplies. Apparently the kitchen was set up better, and she'd somehow managed to find a charcoal barbecue on the balcony on one of the higher levels. In the absence of coal our next best option was to use scrap wood. It wasn't all that different from the system we'd had going at home.
The barbecue was rusted and had been full of bugs when she'd found it, and I'd had to help lug it down for her. It had taken us the better part of the morning to make it what she deemed 'food safe'. We both knew it was still a health risk. But it was the only way we could cook our food.
I had never been the one to cook so I didn't really understand a lot of what she needed to do. So long as it was edible it was good enough for me. Gabby, however, had been well fed for a longer chunk of her life than I had. She had higher expectations. Despite our constant hunger she could remember food that tasted good and was satisfying. Outside of our stay in the OTF facility, I hadn't eaten enough to be fully satisfied since my toddler days.
So I left her to her own devices, turning my head to lean against the window once again. I tried to keep the recent horrors from plastering the insides of my eyelids with pain and torture.
✽✽✽
It was hours later when an exhausted looking Rae showed up in the doorway, ready to take us with him to visit the grave of the woman we all loved. It hit me like a bullet, as I met his tired eyes, that this would have to have been just as hard for Rae as it was for us. While Gabby and I were Jacki's children by blood, Rae was practically her son by circumstance. Having been orphaned from such a young age, my parents had practically raised him. For him, this was the fourth parent to be brutally ripped away. I couldn't even begin to imagine how he managed to hold himself together so well.
During the slow trudging walk towards the gravesite I clung to his hand, hoping to convey a bit of support to him. Though I could not deny that I was immensely grateful for the fierce grip he returned. It made me feel stronger in the face of what was happening.
The mound of dirt was a sore spot against the patchwork of green and dried yellow that made up an old high school field — the only stretch of grass big enough in all of Palla to be made into a cemetery. The dirt was raised, not yet beaten down by rain and time. I was surprised to see that there were a few flowers left around the makeshift grave marker. The small selection of wild daisies and buttercups added a spec of brightness to an otherwise grey place.
A bittersweet smile lifted the corners of my mouth. At least Mum was going to be remembered as a good person.
Though they'd probably tell stories about how she'd been beaten down by the betrayal of her children. How our leaving had sparked a sadness in her she couldn't fight. One they didn't fully realise had been taking over her mind since our dad died.
Guilt washed over me as I realised that it likely was us leaving that tipped her over the edge. Tears dripped down my cheeks, getting lost in the hair that hung limply over my shoulders.
The grave marker was made out of a couple of small pieces of wood that had been pried from an old picket fence. Her initials had been scratched in.
J . N
Jacki Nye.
I recognised the roughly carved script. It was done by the same hand that had engraved our names above the doorway to room 206. The same hand I now clutched in my own.<
br />
When did Rae find the time to do this?
I was touched in a way I thought I'd become immune to. A lump formed in the back of my throat at the idea of him having to do this. To scratch out the initials of someone so close to him, so loved, all because he wanted her to be remembered. He hadn't wanted her to fade into nothingness. I gripped his hand all the tighter for it.
My mum just hadn't been strong enough. She couldn't handle what the world was throwing at us. It broke her beyond our ability to repair. In the old world she might have been fine. In a place free of the smell of death, murder, and war. In fact she would have been perfectly fine.
And that made me more than just angry.
People left us here to fend for ourselves and were surprised when we couldn't stop fighting back. This was what happened when you left a person in a place of ultimate danger and fear.
They broke.
So what did they expect to happen when they put more than one person in that same place? A whole damn city of people? Nobody could have possibly expected us to be able to come back from this. To rehabilitate into a normal society. I wasn't sure that I ever really wanted to associate myself with the kind of people who would leave us out here like this. They were the ones leaving us to suffer.
But this was what would happen if we stayed here.
Soon enough it would be a different mound of dirt rising in front of me. Who would be under it that time? Rae? Gabby? I wouldn't go through that. No.
I couldn't handle it.
I'd have to join them. I could barely hold myself together as it was. With them beside me. There was no possible way I could have done it alone. Even the thought of it made my knees weaken.
So we needed to leave. Again everything in me rebelled against the idea, remembering all too well what had happened the last time we'd tried to do that.
But we had to.
We had to be able to find somewhere better. Somewhere that wasn't connected to this horrible place, even if it meant that they'd been ignoring us and our pleas for help this entire time.
Gabby was on her knees beside the plot speaking quiet words. I couldn't make out what they were and knew she only spoke them to our mother. Was she explaining what happened to us? What happened to Liam? Or was she finally getting a chance to say goodbye?
I didn't know if I'd ever find out. Or if I ever wanted to.
I turned away from her and the grave and took a few shuddering breaths. Rae pulled his hand from mine and looped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me towards him. I hugged him tightly and used his strength to keep myself upright.
"Did you want to say anything?" Rae's gentle voice sounded from above me. I could feel his chin move on the top of my head with his words.
I shook my head slightly.
"That's not her," I muttered, quietly enough that my sister couldn't hear. "It used to be, but it's not anymore." He didn't ask what I meant and just put his other arm around me, tightening his embrace.
We stood together and waited for Gabby to finish. It occurred to me that Rae might have wanted to say something, but he didn't ask. He didn't complain. Didn't even shift his head from where it rested on top of mine.
I sniffed. Fought the bitter cold of the night air while also trying not to lose it.
I couldn't do that anymore.
It wasn't good to make myself so vulnerable. Not when we were out in the open like this. Not when any second could still bring murder.
TWENTY TWO
We had only just stepped back into the relative safety of the hotel room when I breached the subject of leaving again. Despite the logic I saw in my plan, the reactions were mixed.
"What? We can't go again. Don't you remember what happened to us last time? We almost died! And that was just from the heat. From dehydration. You know exactly why there's no one out there. Do you want us to be exploded? Shot? If we find OTF again they won't be trying to help us. They'll be just as eager to get rid of us as the Xiets are."
"Fine, but I'm coming with you this time. I can help you. And there is no way I'm going to let you leave me again. Not when I just got you back."
There wasn't much I could do to calm my sister, especially when everything she said was valid. I was just glad that Rae was sticking with us this time.
I answered the easier of the two accusations.
"I'm not asking you to stay behind. I don't want to leave you either. I don't think I could. And you're right, we do need your help." I was only thinking about how I didn't want him to be here anymore. Palla was poison for the soul.
"What about me, huh? You can't make me leave." I turned to look at Gabby, startled by her panic.
"I'm not going. I'm not. You can't make me go. I won't. You can't."
"How are we supposed to stay here Gabby?" I replied before taking a breath, attempting to keep my head.
"We've been doing fine for the past few days."
"On not much more than pure luck. Any more of this and Rae is going to pass out. He's exhausted. He doesn't get to sleep when he leaves here. He can't keep running back and forth, chauffeuring us around when he should be sleeping. We won't even have food if we stay here. Don't you get it. We aren't wanted here. We so much as step one foot outside in the daylight and we'll be killed. Or worse."
She didn't get it.
She hadn't seen it.
She didn't know what Liam had looked like. And it couldn't have only been from the monsters at Operation Take Flight. Not in that short amount of time. Our own people had starved and beaten him. They probably used the exact same interrogation methods as OTF. They'd have done it every single day. I just happened to witness the one time he couldn't take another punch.
Gabby also hadn't seen our mum. Her fragile figure drooping from the ceiling. How long had she been there without anyone noticing? How long had she been wasting away? How long?
How long was I supposed to put up with all of this?
I wasn't going to wait until Gabby was the one on the end of the rope.
I wasn't going to wait until Rae was the one hitting the ground in front of me.
Gabby hadn't seen these things. I had.
Every time I closed my eyes and thought I might be okay now—BAM! I saw my mum's glossy eyes and sunken features.
BAM!
The smell would fill my nose and I'd start coughing, not wanting to breathe it in. The stench of my own mother's death.
BAM!
I'd see the way the skin of her neck had swelled slightly over the lip of Dad's belt.
See the belts pulled taught against each other.
See the look on Liam's face right before he went down.
Hear the sickening cracks. The wet, fleshy thumps.
I'd remember the feeling of his broken form in my arms.
The pattern of bruises on his body.
The look in Nathaniel's eyes.
The screams.
The blood.
BAM!
BAM!
BAM!
I would never be able to forget these things. It was enough to make me want to step outside and let them see me. Just to end it. To make it go away.
But I couldn't do that to my remaining family. Rae was right about that. We were all each other had left. I didn't want to be the one to take that away too.
But I also couldn't stay here.
Not with all of that being so undoubtedly tied to this place. I wanted to be able to walk outside and not have to check over my shoulder for ghosts with every step.
Before anyone could say more the loud whine of a warning siren sounded, piercing through our minds in unison, all of us flinching.
Then we remembered what it meant.
What it meant for us.
"We have to get out now!" I screamed pushing them both towards the door before racing towards the tiny kitchenette.
"What are you doing?" Rae asked, making a grab for my arm and missing by barely a centimetre.
"She's grabbing the water. Help her, she's onl
y got her hands. I'll get the food."
I took that to mean she had the bag in the other room and swiftly tossed three big bottles of water at Rae, grabbing the last three for myself. One was already half empty.
Five and a half? That was all we had?
Rae kicked one of the wooden boards out of the doorway and we burst from the room, not slowing for a second. We ran and started stumbling down the hallways as the building began to tremble. Gabby joined us, our pack bulging on her back. I didn't have time to wonder what else she'd put in there with our food rations. I was too busy focusing on where my feet landed on the unstable ground. I couldn't afford to lose my balance. I couldn't afford to fall.
We started racing down the steps as we heard, and then felt, the crash.
One of the bottles fell from my arms and rolled down the steps ahead of us. I scrambled to keep on my feet, using the railing and Rae's elbow to haul myself up.
I'd half expected that to be it.
Just the one bomb like normal.
But they kept coming.
Judging by the shaking of the ground and the volume of the explosions, they weren't quite as strong as some of the other ones they'd used in the past. But they were strong enough. And there were more falling at once than there had ever been in my lifetime. And the debris spilling in from the smashed windows wasn't exactly a good sign.
Towards the bottom of the staircase I caught sight of the water bottle I'd dropped. Gabby reached down from where she'd ended up in front of me to grab hold of it. She hugged it to her chest as we ran.
The darkness outside was interrupted by sudden bursts of fire as explosions lit the air. Anything too close got caught in the flames or went soaring. A nearby building cracked and began caving in on itself loudly. People flooded out like ants.
Bright Cold Day Page 19