My Body-His

by Blakely Bennett

I plucked the envelope off the plastic stick and held it for a moment. I admired the bouquet of large yellow lilies.

  Did I tell him I liked lilies?

  Shaking, I slid my nail along the edge of the envelope, pulled out the card and saw his handwriting for the first time. The distinctive slant indicated that he was left-handed. “Last night was everything I’d hoped for,” the card said. “I will be away for a couple of days. Think of me. P.S. You still owe me for being late. I have not forgotten.”

  He had me twisted in knots. My arousal confounded me. I couldn’t be sure if my nipples hardened because he said he’d enjoyed last night or because of what I suspected would happen when he got back. I didn’t like the way his card made me feel. I tore it up and threw it in the trash. I thought of throwing away the flowers as well, but I’ve always adored lilies. I left them on the desk and crossed the hall to attend a meeting.

  * * * *

  After work I met up with Sandy to go for a walk. She had a scrunched expression on her freckly face as she approached me as if she was trying to sum me up. Although barely five feet tall, she swung her arms and carried her back so straight that she gave the illusion of more height. No one would call her beautiful but she was the epitome of cute, with her button nose and bouncy red pageboy cut. Her deep brown eyes fringed by thick light lashes gave her away every time. She couldn’t hide her true feelings if she tried.

  “Look at you! What’s happened?” she said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Have you looked at yourself? You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.”

  I feigned complete ignorance.

  “ ’Fess up, Jane. Who is he?” Sandy said, turning to face me with her hands on her hips.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said with a sheepish grin.

  “It’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it, but I thought—”

  “Okay, okay,” I said. Sandy’s shoulders dropped as I interrupted her. “I went to a party with Scott and—”

  “You don’t look like that because of Scott. There’s no way! You said he wasn’t even—” Sandy threw up her arms.

  “It wasn’t Scott,” I cut in to explain, “someone I met there.”

  Sandy and I had been roommates in college. Assigned the same dorm room in our freshman year, by our third year we moved off campus to share an apartment. She knew me pretty well, probably better than anyone. I felt happy for her and Jason. She seemed to be doing well but in all honesty, I felt a little jealous. Okay, maybe what I felt wasn’t so much jealousy as envy. I wanted happiness for her but wanted it for myself as well.

  “Well, what’s his name? What does he look like? Is he nice? What does he do? When do we get to meet him? Why didn’t you come right out and tell me? Or call me on the phone?!” she said in rapid succession.

  “Take a breath, will you?” I tried to figure out how much I wanted to tell her. Usually I would tell her everything, including the size of his cock, but I wasn’t sure how I felt about Luke. I didn’t want to hear, “Run toward the light, Carol Ann” or essentially “What the hell were you thinking?”

  What the hell was I thinking?

  So there I stood, trying to figure out what to say. I’d never lied to Sandy before. I didn’t want to start now. I broke into a confession. “Scott brought me to a sex party.”

  “You went to a sex party?! You met a guy at a sex par—”

  “Let me finish for god’s sake.”

  “Okay, okay,” Sandy said, lowering her arms to her hips.

  “When I figured out what kind of party it was, I went upstairs looking for a phone. I couldn’t get a signal on my cell. He was … Luke was up there. He loaned me money to take a cab home.”

  “Why didn’t you call me? I would have picked you up. A sex party?” Sandy said, shrugging her shoulders and shaking her head.

  “I didn’t want to bother you. I did think of calling you.” I wasn’t sure what else to say.

  “Well, do you think this will turn into something? You met him at a sex party?” She giggled. “Do you know where he lives? I feel like you’re leaving something out.” Sandy stopped walking and turned back to face me.

  “I’m not sure how I feel about him,” I said.

  “So …. What does he look like and what does he do?”

  “I’m not sure how to describe him, other than he is very fit.” I laughed. “He says he sells his photographs and paintings abroad but I don’t have any idea if that’s a hobby or how he pays the bills.”

  “It’s still early,” she said.

  “I think you’re more enthusiastic about this than I am,” I said.

  “Well, you know, I want the best for you and you have been single for a while now.”

  “I get it, you want to double date,” I said, laughing.

  “That would be great, wouldn’t it? Jason gets along with everyone.”

  “That is true. You found a great man; I hope I get as lucky.”

  “Well, if you don’t know for sure, then I’m right, it’s still early,” she said, patting me on the back.

  Was it? I wasn’t so sure. I really didn’t know what to feel. Luke confused me and I didn’t want anyone to point out what I already suspected.

  “So have you set a date for us or what?” I said playfully.

  “Yes, Jane and Luke will be married on June seventh of next year in her beautiful ivory dress. Is he a black tux sort of man?” Sandy asked.

  “Oh, bite your tongue, girl. I’m still not sure I’m the marrying kind.”

  “Oh, but of course you are. You’re exactly the marrying kind. You just haven’t found the right one yet.”

  For the rest of the walk I filled her in on the mundane details I felt comfortable sharing. I told her about Luke waiting for me outside of work with flowers, but not that he had dropped them. I told her about the wonderful sex and the lilies the next day but not about the note. Who was I kidding?

  Sandy and I shared a dinner and I went home feeling more confused than ever. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I replayed what had happened the night before with Luke. His presence had filled the place. I could see him standing in the kitchen, putting our food in the old style refrigerator with the freezer on the bottom. I pictured him looking in the white cabinets, trying to locate a glass to bring me water. Maybe next time we’d watch movies together on the beige leather love seat I’d never shared with another. I envisioned him in every room. I went to bed early to avoid dealing with my thoughts and emotions.

  That night I had another disturbing dream. I walked down the same ally as in my previous dream but this time it rained heavily and the water spun quickly into the grates in the middle of the road. The water dragged and pulled against me like the outgoing tide at the beach. I struggled to get past the grate and fell sliding backward.

  I woke up sweating and gasping. I took a couple of deep breaths to calm myself down.

  As the water from the shower rained down on my face, I couldn’t help but wonder what my psyche was trying to tell me. Was I drowning? I’ve always thought that falling in love was like drowning, but in a good way. This felt different. This felt like I couldn’t swim to the surface if I wanted to. I decided there and then that I would end things when Luke got back.

  When I got out of the shower and dried off, I found that my feelings were under control again. I didn’t know when I would hear from Luke but I was convinced I knew how to end it.

  * * * *

  When I stepped foot in my office I immediately got into the flow of work. I moved the flowers to the table on the side of the room so they no longer sat straight in front of me. Parker called early in the day to see if I wanted to go to a movie after my run.

  “Yes,” I practically yelled into the phone. My strategy of keeping busy fell into place. I actually considered returning my mother’s plethora of calls and finally making plans with her, but I wasn’t yet that desperate to occupy my time.

  At the pub downstairs I got
a salad to go. When I returned to my desk an unaddressed envelope waited for me. Placing the salad to the side, I sat down. It had to be from Luke. I knew I’d find his slanted writing staring back at me. I couldn’t open it. I didn’t open it. Comprehending the extent of my overreaction, I felt sick to my stomach. Throwing away the salad I no longer planned to eat, I noticed that although the garbage had been removed, the pieces of the card I had torn up were still there. How is that possible? I knew I had thrown them out on top of an already filled garbage can.

  I gulped a huge uptake of air and held it in for a moment. Stop it, Jane … get a grip on yourself. I threw the card in the trash along with the to-go box that held my salad. I grabbed my purse and walked by Brian’s office to tell him I planned to call it a day. Women’s issues worked in a pinch. He waved me off and said he’d see me tomorrow.

  I drove straight home, changed into running gear and ran to the beach. Running could clear my head better, faster than anything else. Picking up my pace I turned into the paid parking lot for beachgoers. I jumped over the parking stumps and headed out onto the boardwalk. On any normal day I’d run between three to five miles. Occasionally I’d push myself and run up to seven or eight miles. I usually did that on a Saturday so I could take it easy for the rest of the weekend. Today I ran until I could no longer run. Having boiled out my thoughts with my sweat, I stopped, exhausted. I’m not sure how far I’d gone but I had to walk the whole way back from the beach.

  When I arrived back at the apartment I took off my shoes and socks and dove into the pool to rinse off the heat. On the stairs leading to my apartment I left a dripping trail of water. At the half-bathroom by the front door I pulled off the decorative hand towel and began drying myself off.

  I checked my messages. Maybe my mother’s finally given up on me. Again I considered calling her but opted instead for the oblivion of a nap. I stripped off my wet clothes, hung them on the rack that had contained the towel, dried my hair as well as I could and plodded to the bedroom.

  I awoke to a pounding on the door. I instantly popped up out of bed, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Could it be Luke? I grabbed the wet towel off the corner of the footboard, wrapped it around my nakedness and ran toward the door. As I got closer, I could hear Parker yelling my name.

  “I’m coming, I’m coming!” I yelled back.

  “I thought we were going out,” Parker said as she entered the apartment, eyeing my lack of attire.

  Long and sleek, Parker always reminded me of a gazelle. She towered over me even when she stood back as she did then. She looked formal and regal in her royal blue business attire, a source of intimidation for her coworkers, no doubt. She wore her hair cropped close to her head and curly, which took nothing away from her striking, high cheek-boned face.

  “Sorry, I left work early and went for a long run and then apparently took a longer nap than I intended,” I said as I walked back to the bedroom. “Do I have time for a quick shower?” I asked over my shoulder.

  “Very quick,” Parker said and followed me into the full bathroom. “You left work early? That’s odd for you. What’s up?”

  Again I was at a loss as to what to say, what to share, but then that seemed ridiculous. After all, I’d be ending it as soon as I saw him again.

  “Well?” she said, getting impatient.

  “I met this guy, but I’ve decided I want to end it. It’s a long story … well, actually a short story, but not really worth mentioning other than I’ve decided that it won’t go any further.”

  “Then why did you leave work early?” Parker asked.

  “I felt like I needed to get in a good run and try to gain some perspective. What’s new with you?” I said, hoping to change the subject.

  “They are considering me for a promotion at work so I’m excited about that.”

  “That’s great. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. Any chance we can eat first and catch the later film? I skipped lunch.”

  “I’ll go check the times,” she said.

  * * * *

  I enjoyed the evening with Parker but kept finding my thoughts drifting back to Luke. I can’t recall the details of the movie, because it didn’t hold my attention. I obsessively repeated in my mind what I would say to Luke the next time I saw him, how I would explain that we had to be done. I tossed and turned all night, hardly sleeping at all, anxious to resolve the conflict within myself.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  When I awoke Thursday morning to the sound of the alarm, I happily didn’t recall any of my dreams. That feeling of relief only lasted a moment. Somehow, I knew that Luke would be back that day and I’d have to end things. Part of me wanted to ditch work altogether, but he knew where I lived and that scared me. I couldn’t hide. I truly believed he’d find me anywhere if he wanted to. Forcing myself out of bed, I reluctantly shuffled to the bathroom and readied myself for work.

  By the time I arrived, the tension in my body felt like a vise clamped around my chest, making it difficult to breathe. I walked into my office, worried that Luke would be sitting there waiting, but to my utter relief my chair sat empty. When I looked down at my desk I almost screamed. The envelope I’d thrown away sat squarely centered on my blotter. I looked over the side and released the breath I’d been holding; at least the garbage can was completely empty.

  I sat down and picked up the envelope. I was contemplating it, thumbing the edges, when a knock on my door startled me.

  “Feeling better today?” Brian asked, leaning into the office while holding the door jamb.

  “Right as rain,” I said, forcing a smile.

  Right as rain? What the hell does that mean?

  “All right, then,” he said, departing with a little wave.

  Okay Jane, open or don’t … shit or get off the pot … there’s a fork in the road, pick a direction … Fish or cut bait … do something for god’s sake!

  I grabbed the letter opener out of the cup on the desk and sliced the top of the envelope. As I pulled out the card, I started laughing. The card turned out to be an invitation to Allison’s wedding. In a rush of thoughts, I remembered her mentioning it over lunch on Monday. I had to ask, what was I doing to myself? Maybe he wasn’t the crazy one. Maybe it is me, I thought. Maybe he should be worried about me. Taking a deep breath, I grabbed a Kleenex to blot my eyes. The release of tension I experienced should’ve been a sign, but I ignored it. Was I losing it? I put the invitation into my bag, cleared my mind, and got on with the day.

  I kept expecting the phone to ring and to hear Luke on the other end or to receive a delivery from him, but by the end of the day I realized he wasn’t going to contact me. My emotions were so raw by day’s end that when Allison came by and lightly knocked on the door, I jumped like a spooked cat.

  “Are you okay?” she asked with a look of concern.

  “Oh … yeah, just a lot on my mind. I’m a bit distracted,” I said, holding my head in my hands for a moment.

  “Are you ready to leave? I thought we could walk down together,” she said, swinging her bag over her shoulder and flipping her shimmering blond hair.

  “Okay … sure,” I said, dropping the application I had started to review. I took hold of my bag and we headed toward the elevators. “Love the invitation,” I said to Allison.

  “Will you be able to make it?”

  “You can count on it,” I said.

  As soon as the elevator door opened, I knew that Luke waited for me across the street. I briefly thought of saying I’d left something upstairs but I knew I’d have to face him eventually. He didn’t seem like the type to take a hint. So, I kept pace with Allison and told her I planned to meet up with someone. Looking across the street, certain I’d see him there, my heart dropped. No Luke. I was clearly losing it. The utter disappointment took me by surprise. I realized in that moment that my reactions had betrayed me. I’d prepared myself to say goodbye, to turn off the emotions that swirled inside of me, but when I saw that he hadn’t shown, I had
to accept how I really felt.

  I turned around to head to my car, and there he stood, leaning against the wall of my office building. Relief set in and I smiled, my resolution to end the relationship forgotten.

  “Good to see you, too,” he said, opening his arms to enfold me in his embrace.

  With his scent already embedded in my consciousness, his hug felt like home. I felt so comforted that all thoughts of him being malevolent were gone.

  “I have something to show you,” he said, releasing me from his hold.

  “Okay,” I said, “where to?”

  “We can walk from here,” he said, taking my hand in his.

  “I don’t want to have to chase you down the street—” I started to say.

  “No rush today,” he broke in. “We have all the time in the world. By the way, you need to take tomorrow off from work.”

  “I don’t take time off from work,” I said. “I’ve been sent home because I was too ill, but I can’t remember a time I called in sick. Especially not twice in one week. I left early yesterday, so there’s no way. I can’t take a full day off tomorrow as well.”

  Even as I said it, I knew what he’d say and I knew what I’d do. I would call in sick and I’d spend all day and night with him if he wanted.

  We strolled at a leisurely pace two blocks up from my work, made a left down an alley, and then headed back up the next street over to a red brick building, where we paused and gawked.

  “What are you looking at?” I asked as I followed his gaze to the second floor.

  “Our new place,” he said without taking his eyes from the building.

  “What?!” I said, stepping away from him.

  Living with him … I don’t think so.

  “Let me show you around before you decide,” he said, taking my hand, “Plus, you owe me something.” He pulled me through the door that led to the stairwell.

  How can I describe that moment? It felt surreal, dreamlike, and, although I was scared out of my wits, at the same time I was excited as never before. My stomach twisted and turned because I knew what I owed him. I just wasn’t sure how he’d make me pay. I decided on the way to the apartment door to keep an open mind. He said I could end it anytime, I reassured myself. I held my breath as he steered me through the door.