“So you want it rough, do you?” he said, laughing again. He hauled me to the bed, dropping me in the center.
I scurried to the side and tried to stand. In the meantime he retrieved leather straps from the nightstand, pushed me back down on the bed, and flipped me over. I kicked him in the stomach but he foisted his body forcefully over mine. I wiggled to get out from under him but he held me fast. He flipped around so his head lay at my feet. After fastening the strap to my right ankle he managed to attach it to the corner of the bed. He did the same with my left leg. Tethered to the length of the bed instead of the width, I was spread out as much as possible.
His leg was near my mouth so I bit into it with all the force I could muster.
“Oh, Jane, you’re going to pay for that.”
“Fuck you,” I said.
“And for that as well. My advice is to cooperate and shut the fuck up because I have an entire weekend to keep you tied up and show you the error of your ways. Unless …. Just say the word. Is that what you want?”
“I want you to answer my questions! That’s what I want.”
“I answer questions when I’m good and ready. I apologized for being late and planned to make it up to you but you wouldn’t let me. I never implied I’d be willing to account for my time. That’s none of your business. I’m surprised, completely surprised, by this turn of events. I thought we threw a wonderful party. It was a good night and yet …. Too much wine, perhaps? At any rate, you’ve more than earned what you’ll be receiving.”
He walked around the bed and fastened my arms to the side corners.
I had stopped fighting the inevitable. Did I want him to punish me? Is that why I goaded him? I used to think I knew why I behaved in certain ways but at that point I struggled to understand myself. The party had turned out great, as he said, even though he showed up late. Why was I pushing him?
He didn’t go to his office to get a whip or paddle. He didn’t use his hand to spank me. He simply fucked me up the ass without lubrication until he came. I had never felt more humiliated or violated. The game of pleasure and pain didn’t exist that night. The sex didn’t turn me on in the least, and I’m sure that was his intention. Even with all the discipline he had inflicted in the past, my pleasure was the ultimate reward. After the party there was none.
He abruptly released me and left me alone in the room. He didn’t return to our bed that night.
* * * *
The next morning I found him sleeping on the couch. I removed my blouse and bra before I crawled back into bed. The sobs shredded me as the reality of my life besieged me.
He must have heard because he came in and spooned me to him. He held me as the weeping racked my body.
“I love you, Jane, and in time you’ll come to learn my ways. I’m not one to be pushed.”
I continued to cry. He stroked my head as he held me and after a while the tears subsided. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what to say. I felt confused, hurt, and angry—but also safe in his arms. My mind split over feeling safe and rescued by my persecutor.
I lay there, wondering if we could ever have a normal, healthy relationship. The core of me already knew the answer. I just wasn’t ready to face it.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
That night several things became clear. It was as if my tears had washed away my self-deception.
After the party I essentially had no one I could talk to about this crazy life I’d chosen. My mother and my friends had experienced the normal, happy, great guy who moved about with confidence and a winning smile. They didn’t know that the artwork behind the couch was used to tie me up and whip me. They had no idea what lay behind the door to the second bedroom. They didn’t realize I spent my time naked, that Luke’s control over me was absolute even if I fought it.
“Are you ready for some breakfast?” he asked.
“I guess,” I said.
We got up and walked into the kitchen. He had cleaned up the party from last night. It was as if it hadn’t happened until he opened the refrigerator and I saw all the Italian food.
“Shall we reheat leftovers?” he asked.
For me, eating that food again would have been like reliving the party.
“We can toss the rest of it as far as I’m concerned,” I said.
“It’s not nearly as good as Marcello’s Restaurant. Why didn’t you order from there?”
“I thought the food was fine, but I cannot stomach eating it again. You’re so funny sometimes, Luke. First of all, I didn’t know the name of the restaurant you took me to because ….”
“Right,” he said, laughing.
“And, secondly, I’d never show my face there again willingly.”
“They didn’t see your face because you were blindfolded. Now who’s being the funny one?”
“Regardless, I’d think they were all staring at me.”
“We’ll have to work on some of those inhibitions of yours, Jane.”
“Inhibitions? How many people are okay being whipped in front of an audience? A small number, I would think.”
“Perhaps. Perhaps not. People change. You’ll see.”
“So, breakfast?” I said, changing the subject.
“I’ll whip something up,” Luke said and laughed.
I still wanted my questions answered but I didn’t dare poke the sleeping lion. We ate in silence, the distance palpable. I watched him as he read the paper. Being disconnected from the one I loved made my heart feel as if it were physically breaking. I felt depressed and lonely. I knew I should’ve gone running first thing, but now that my belly was full of eggs and toast, I had no interest.
“How about a bed day?” he asked.
“What’s a bed day?”
“We spend all day in bed. We can read, make love, talk, watch a movie on the laptop, eat dinner, etc., all in bed. You could write if you wanted to.”
“I’m not in a very good mood, so I’m not sure what kind of ‘bed company’ I’d make,” I said. I leaned my face on my hand and looked up at him.
“I’m sure I can help with your mood. How about we shower, and after, I answer your questions from last night? What do you say? Come on.” He put his hand under my chin and brought his mouth to mine. I fell into the kiss as his energy overtook me. He explored my mouth with his tongue and sucked on my lower lip. My treasonous body responded to him as if I was a fiddle for his playing.
He lifted me up and pulled me onto his lap. His cock was hard and I was wet. I slid down on top of him and he used his arms to lift me up and down. I avoided his eyes. I was aroused but sad at the same time.
“Look at me,” he said.
I didn’t comply. He stopped moving my body and used his hand to lift my chin. “Baby, look at me, please.”
This time I did as he asked. I saw the love there and allowed it to penetrate me. When we connected like that all thoughts of my ultimate doom vanished and euphoria took over. Again and again he could bring me back to him.
* * * *
After the shower, as I climbed into bed, I pondered how to best approach him. I had learned to make my words count. “Question time,” I said.
“You know how to kill a perfectly good mood,” Luke said but smiled.
“You said you’d answer all my questions. Better to get them over with quickly than drag them out. It’ll be like ripping a band-aid off a wound,” I said.
“I guess your mood’s improved, Sassy Girl,” he said, hugging me close to his chest.
“Why were you late?” I hurtled forward with abandon.
“I had errands to do and they ran long. That’s all I’m going to say. I don’t ask you to account for your day and I demand the same respect. Next?”
I pushed away from him. “If I had showed up almost an hour late for a party here …. I can’t even imagine the consequences, so don’t give me that crap.”
“That crap?” he said. He pushed me down onto my back and straddled my waist. He held my arms down around the
top of my head.
“Hey, let me up!” I said. I was completely pinned to the bed by his strength.
“Not until we are done with these silly questions. Continue, please,” he said, smiling down at me. He leaned in and kissed my nose.
“Don’t patronize me.” I struggled to get out from under him but his sinewy body and strong arms kept me in place. “You think holding me down is going to keep me from asking the questions I need answers to?”
“Remains to be seen, does it not?”
“Again, why were you late? Under those circumstances, I would have to account for my time. I’d also receive a good paddling, I imagine.”
“Are you saying you want to paddle me? This big man? Now that’s funny.” He laughed so hard it rocked us both on the bed.
“That’s a funny image, hmmm. Maybe something for me to write about,” I said. He moved one hand to hold both of mine and tickled my right side with his free hand.
“Hey, that’s not fair,” I said, laughing.
“I never said things between us would be fair. Did I?”
“No, but hey …. Wait, wait,” I said between laughing. “How am I supposed to ask my questions?”
“That’s the point,” he said.
He stopped his tickling and began drawing circles around my right nipple. My breathing increased, revealing my craving.
“LUKE,” I yelled. “Seriously!”
“Okay, but get it over with already. You’re taking such a long time.” He shook me again with his laugher.
“Were you out with Pierce?” I said, quickly.
“No, of course not. But to answer your next question and to get back to my exploration of your bodily reflex responses, I did have an opportunity to speak with him before coming up to our place. I told him I put you up to the task you performed. He seemed to buy it. I also asked if he was willing to be used in the future and guess what he said.”
“Yes,” I said. “But that won’t really be necessary, right?”
“We shall see. Next?”
“The delivery of the food.”
“Oh, did you like the delivery boy? I picked him out for you. They were going to send some old guy. I thought you’d have more fun with the boy.”
“Di— Did you change the time the food would be delivered?”
“Of course,” he said. He smiled as if he was proud of himself.
“And his coming onto me?”
“I think your nudity was the culprit in that.”
“How did you know I opened the door naked?”
“I was waiting downstairs to give him an extra tip.”
“You’re too much.”
“Much better than too little I would think.”
I laughed out loud. “Can I get up now?”
“Definitely not,” he said. “Is the interrogation over? Because I have other plans for us.”
“One more question that’s been bothering me for a long time,” I said.
“Let’s get it over with quickly,” he said, running his hand down my stomach and stopping just above my mound.
I squirmed, finding it hard to focus. “Luke, come on!”
“Ask me already, Jane, really!” He chuckled.
“Why did you tell me to get you a pack of cigarettes at the party when you don’t smoke?”
The bed shook uproariously as the laughter exploded out of him. “Why do you think?” he said. “You’re a smart girl.”
“Oh,” I said. I understood. He had just wanted to make the challenge of going downstairs even more difficult.
“Please tell me you’re done with the interrogation.”
“Just one more thing,” I said, trying to suppress my giggles.
“Out with it.”
“The delivery guy thought you were my dad,” I said.
“Well, then, little girl,” he said, adjusting us and rolling me over his lap. “This bad girl needs her spanking.”
* * * *
On Sunday I took my last pill and freaked. I would get my period in a couple of days and yet I had to be naked in the apartment. The fact that I hadn’t considered that challenge earlier just showed how detached I had become from reality. Surely Luke would understand. I used tampons, but as every woman knows, they are not foolproof.
“I took my last pill today,” I said.
“And?” he said.
“Well, I’ll get my period in a couple of days and want to be able to wear underwear during that time.”
“No. Keep a towel with you. That’s what the others did.”
His comment took my breath away. “The others?”
“We’ve been through this, Jane. There have been others before you. You already knew this. Yes, the others used a towel. Put one on couch, one on the bed and one for the chairs if we sit at the table. You’ll get used to it like everything else. One woman just kept a towel with her and moved it around. You’ll figure it out.” I had been dismissed. He went back to reading the paper.
“How many others?” I asked. Angst constricted my throat trapping my breath.
“Jane, please, let’s not do this again. We have a wonderful day ahead of us. We had an amazing day yesterday. Let’s leave the past in the past.”
With Luke I suffered jealousy for the first time in my life. My closest brush with jealousy up until then had happened after a boyfriend and I had called it quits. There was this woman from work who would get drunk and hit on him while we were still dating. After we broke up he slept with her. It pissed me off. He wasn’t cheating on me but it still made me mad. I wasn’t sure if that qualified as jealousy or righteous indignation. With Luke I felt jealousy at the very thought that there had been women before me and worse, that there could be women after me.
Why was I insecure about his love … about his loyalty? He’d been constant from the start, but I still questioned if our love was special to him and even more importantly, whether or not I could easily be replaced. His reassurances didn’t seem to help.
Luke put the paper down and turned to face me. It was as if he could hear my thoughts. “Baby, you’re my one and only. As long as you choose to stay, you’ll have my undying loyalty. I love you and have no interest in others.”
“Okay,” I said but wanted to say so much more. I wanted to know all about his past girlfriends. I needed to know if he had taken pictures of all of them and how they were different from me, but it would just piss him off if I asked.
He broke my train of thought by saying, “I have to go away again, love.”
“When?” My shoulders dropped and I tried not to pout.
“Tuesday,” he said.
“For how long this time?” I knew there was bite in my question but I couldn’t control myself.
“Possibly a week. I don’t want to be away from you that long so it may be shorter. I’m only flying to Seattle, so the turnaround time won’t be as long.”
“Oh.”
“Of course you are welcome to come along. I’ll be busy but will have time for you at night. Don’t you have vacation time you can take off from work?”
“Yes, but we’re required to give four weeks’ notice prior to taking off longer than a day.”
“You can always quit that job of yours and try your hand at writing a book. You have taken to writing, it seems. I watch you get lost in your own world when you’re on the computer. Think it over, love.”
“How would it work? I mean, I need my paycheck to pay for my condo and car. I get health insurance, life insurance and a 401K from my job.”
“This is how it would work. You would get rid of your apartment. Sell it, and we will invest the money. Your car is a lease right? You can turn it in early and I’ll pay the penalty, if there is one. As we will be together most of the time, I can’t see why we’d need more than one car.”
“Oh ….” I didn’t know what to say.
Being raised by a single mom had made me long for the day when a man would sweep me off my feet and free me from having to work. I had dream
ed of writing the next great American novel. I imagined I should be jumping for joy but inside I felt petrified. How much autonomy would I have left? I wondered if I’d lose all control over my life.
“Jane?” he said. “Are you okay?”
I thought about what my mother said regarding the small bathroom. He said he had a lot of money but our apartment was small. I found it cozy and perfect for us, but if he had loads of money, why had he chosen that particular apartment?
“I don’t know how to say this and I mean no offense but—”
“Just say it,” he said.
“Well, our apartment is fairly small and has no elevator and really, I’m not complaining at all, but if you have so much money ….”
“That’s not what I thought you were going to say,” he said, laughing. “I picked this place because it was close to your work and immediately available. That’s all. I figured we’d move when you finally decided to leave your job. Maybe move closer to the beach, because you love to run there, or move across the country. If I didn’t love what I do, I could retire now. So there’s no need for you to worry about insurance or anything else.”
“It’s a lot to think about,” I said. I felt an instant shift in his mood.
“You can think about it while I’m away again. Keep in mind that I will tolerate us being apart less and less.”
“What does that mean?”
“Exactly what I said. I want us to spend our lives together. My life involves a lot of travel and I want to share that part of it with you. There are many temptations out there when I’m traveling, and I’ve never strayed, but I only have so much tolerance for being alone.”
“That feels like a threat to me,” I said, standing up from the table and beginning to pace.
“Take it as you will, Jane. I’m a man with needs and I only have so much patience. I’ll never do anything without telling you first and I’m telling you nothing will happen on this trip, but eventually we’ll have to come to some arrangement if you plan to keep working at your job.”
“Arrangement?” I said. I moved back toward the table. I wanted to cry and hit him at the same time but did neither. I just stood there in front of him with my arms hanging at my sides. I felt raw and exposed, as if my heart was splayed open for him. He was like a crow picking away at it.
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