Shawn wasn’t sure why he’d asked. He knew Rutledge’s house was in a completely different part of the city. It just wasn’t practical for him to give Shawn a ride if he had a lot of work waiting for him at home—he would waste hours if he did that.
Seriously, why had he asked? It was silly.
Shawn stretched out his aching muscles, working out the kinks in his neck.
“Yes,” Rutledge said tersely, looking away again. “Get dressed.”
Shawn got out of the bed and padded to him, shivering a bit; the room was chilly.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” he said, awkwardly, buttoning the rest of the buttons on Rutledge’s shirt.
Rutledge looked down at Shawn’s fingers. He had a grim expression on his face. “I want to.”
Chapter 19
Professor Bates was a dick.
At least that was what Shawn thought as the man ignored Shawn and continued walking.
“There’s nothing to discuss, Wyatt,” Bates said sharply, walking faster. “The assignment was due yesterday. I won’t make an exception for you. It’s your own fault. You’re irresponsible! Thermodynamics is the most important branch of the science and you don’t understand it. If you fail my class, which is looking increasingly likely, it will be deserved.”
Shawn grimaced. Yeah, it was really his own fault. He shouldn’t have spent so much time studying for his Fluid Mechanics paper, trying to impress Rutledge. He hadn’t exactly impressed him.
“But—”
“Stop trying my patience, Wyatt,” Bates snapped, shaking his head. “What’s wrong with students these days?” And Bates started ranting about students’ sense of self-entitlement, lack of focus, and lack of humility, looking more annoyed by the minute, and Shawn realized there was no way Bates would give him extra time to complete the assignment.
“Eric,” came a familiar voice from behind them.
Shawn tensed and didn’t look his way. Dammit. Rutledge was the last person he wanted to witness this.
“Is something the matter?” Rutledge said.
“This boy is lazy and irresponsible!” Bates said. “He doesn’t do his assignments on time and now he asks me to give him a few more days! How is he going to be an engineer when he cannot even manage to pass the core courses?”
Shawn wanted the ground to swallow him up. Rutledge was the most intelligent man he’d ever met. He probably thought Shawn was dumb as a rock. Not that it mattered what he thought. Except it kind of did. It mattered. Too much.
“I was of the same opinion as you, Eric,” Rutledge said, his voice indifferent. “But Wyatt has shown some improvement over the past few weeks. Give him a day. If he’s late again, fail him.”
Shawn’s gaze snapped to him. There was no way in hell he could do it in one day.
“Good idea,” Bates said. “One day, Wyatt.”
“But—”
Bates glared at him. “One day.”
Pursing his lips, Shawn nodded and left.
His feet brought him to Rutledge’s office. The door was unlocked, and he let himself in.
Shawn leaned his hip against the desk and stuffed his hands into his pockets.
He didn’t have to wait for long.
Rutledge didn’t look surprised to see him, but he seemed busy, carrying a stack of papers.
“You shouldn’t have done it,” Shawn said. “There’s no way I can get it done by tomorrow.”
“Why?” Rutledge put the papers on the desk and took his seat.
Shawn shrugged, looking at his boots. “I’m dumb.”
“You’re a scholarship student.”
Shawn’s lips twisted. “Yeah. I used to think I’m pretty smart, but… but I’m not. Most of the stuff Bates and you teach goes right over my head. One minute I think I understand thermodynamics, the next, I have no fucking clue what’s happening. I really must be dumb.” Shawn gripped the edge of the desk. “I feel like such a loser sometimes, you know? I can’t find a decent-paying job, I can’t buy the girls the things they need, and now this. I feel so useless and stupid, and—I just—I just… Never mind.”
There was a long silence.
He felt Rutledge’s gaze on the back of his head.
“I’m no good at comforting people,” Rutledge said, irritably.
Shawn turned to him and forced a small smile out. “It’s okay. I’m surprised you haven’t kicked me out yet.”
Rutledge’s lips thinned. He had a very sour expression on his face. “Come here.”
Shawn had never moved so fast in his life.
He climbed into Rutledge’s lap, put his head on his shoulder and closed his eyes. Rutledge’s strong arms tightened around him, and Shawn sighed in pleasure. It felt so good. Just what he needed. It scared him—that he needed this—but he did. It almost felt better than sex.
“You’re going soft, Professor,” he murmured with a smile, breathing his scent in. It was familiar and oddly comforting.
“Shut up, Wyatt,” Rutledge said, sounding even more annoyed, if that was possible.
Shawn brushed his lips against his neck. “Fine. You’re very evil and nasty.” He nuzzled into Derek’s neck. “Five minutes. Then you can kick me out and we’ll pretend it never happened.”
Rutledge sighed. “Show me the assignment.”
Shawn’s mouth fell open. He lifted his head and stared at Rutledge. “Really?”
“I won’t do it for you,” Rutledge said, fixing him with a glare. “But I’ll explain what you don’t understand.”
Shawn beamed and kissed him.
Chapter 20
Usually Shawn was a light sleeper.
But when the door to his room creaked open that night, Shawn had trouble waking up, his mind groggy. He burrowed deeper into Rutledge’s warm shoulder, his hands tightening around Rutledge’s arm.
The voices seemed to be coming from far away.
“Your brother is asleep,” Rutledge said. “Go back to bed.”
“But I had a bad dream! I’m scared. Shawn always hugs me when I’m scared!” It was Emily.
Shawn tried to open his eyes. It didn’t work.
“Emily,” Rutledge said sternly. “You’re a smart little girl. You can’t sleep with Shawn because the bed is too small for the three of us.”
“I’ll sleep with Shawn. You can go sleep with Bee!”
Rutledge chuckled. “I don’t think I’ll fit in your bed, midget.”
Emily pondered it. “I can sleep on you. You’re big, and Shawn likes to sleep on you.”
Shawn certainly did, though he was disturbed that Emily knew that.
“You can’t sleep on me.”
“Why?”
“Because—because… Fine,” Rutledge bit out at last, to Shawn’s surprise.
Squealing in delight, Emily climbed onto the bed and onto Rutledge’s chest.
“You’re very warm,” she said, yawning.
He really was. The room was very cold, but Derek was very warm. So warm.
“Sleep. And don’t pee on me,” Rutledge grumbled.
“I’m not a baby. I’m big. I don’t pee in bed!”
“Good. Now sleep.”
“You have funny hair on your chest. Shawn doesn’t have funny hair on his chest. Why?”
That gave Rutledge pause. “Sleep.”
“You don’t like me,” Emily mumbled. “You like Bee better.”
A heavy sigh. “Why do you think I like her better?”
“You gave her chocolate yesterday!”
Shawn frowned. Huh?
“Because she asked. You have to ask if you want something.”
“So if I ask, you’ll give me anything? Anything, anything?”
“If I say yes, will you stop talking and sleep?”
“Yeah!”
“Fine. What do you want?”
“I want a puppy! Black and fluffy! With a white star on its forehead!”
A pause. “Choose something else.”
“But you
said anything!”
Shawn drifted back to sleep, still smiling.
* * *
“So,” Christian said, leaning back and rocking in his chair a bit. “What’s going on with you and Rutledge?”
Shawn looked up from his plate at him. “Huh?”
Christian laughed softly. “Come on. I’m not blind. It’s been going on for weeks. I thought you’d get sick of him by now, but you still look totally fucked out most of the time—”
“I don’t.”
Christian gave him a flat look.
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Shawn admitted, “Yeah, all right. So what?”
Christian lifted his hands. “Hey, I’m not judging. Whatever floats your boat.” He shrugged with a crooked smile. “It’s none of my business if you have a crush on his dick.”
Shawn slumped back in his chair and looked at Christian grimly. “It might be a bit more complicated than that.” He ran a hand over his forehead, sighing. “I’m not even sure how to act around him in class anymore. It’s like my brain stops working when he’s around.” He grimaced. “I kissed him yesterday outside his office. I couldn’t help it. We were lucky it was late and no one saw us—I think.”
Christian’s eyebrows almost reached his hairline. He whistled. “Wait, are you, like, in a relationship?”
Shawn rubbed the corner of his eye. “No—I mean—I don’t know. I… I kinda gave him a key to my place.”
Christian started laughing.
Shawn kicked him under the table. “Shut up. It made sense to do it. Sometimes he comes very late, and I don’t want him to wake up the kids with his knocking. It doesn’t mean what you think it means.”
“Oh, really?”
Shawn heaved a sigh. “I don’t know. Things have been weird lately. He’s so good to me sometimes, and I feel like… I feel so good with him, you know?” Happy. “It’s so confusing.”
“No shit. Don’t you talk?”
Shawn shrugged. “Sure, we talk, but not about that. He comes to my place in the evening and if the kids are still up, it’s not like we can talk properly. If they’re in bed already, we don’t spend much time talking.” I just want to get him naked and on me. “And he’s not exactly the talking type.”
“Looks like he wants to talk this time.” Christian nodded towards something behind him.
Shawn turned his head and saw Rutledge walking to him briskly. Shawn stood up and took a step away from the table just as Rutledge reached him.
“Something wrong?” Shawn murmured, glancing around. They were attracting curious stares; instructors normally didn’t visit the cafeteria.
Rutledge’s shoulders relaxed a little. “No,” he said, turning around and heading out of the cafeteria, clearly expecting Shaw to follow.
Rolling his eyes, Shawn did.
“I’m leaving for a few days,” Rutledge said once they were outside.
“Where? Why?”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s none of your business.”
Shawn crossed his arms over his chest. “Really? Then why are you even telling me?”
They glowered at each other.
Shawn refused to drop his gaze.
“I’m leaving,” Rutledge said with finality.
“Fine. Go.” Shawn bit the inside of his cheek, trying to hold back dozens of questions. Questions that would make him look like a pathetic needy teenage girl.
Rutledge took a step to him; their faces were only inches apart now. There was a strange restlessness haunting Rutledge’s dark eyes. Something was shifting between them, and it scared Shawn. And excited him.
A few seconds passed as they just looked at each other.
Some guy walked out of the cafeteria, and they sprang apart.
“Sir,” the guy said respectfully to Rutledge.
“Right,” Shawn said, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I’ll go.” Before I jump on you and kiss you in front of everyone.
Rutledge nodded stiffly and stalked away.
Shawn sighed. Dammit.
Maybe a few-days’ break would do them good. Things were getting too weird.
Or maybe the problem was it wasn’t weird anymore.
Chapter 21
Rutledge didn’t return in a few days.
Nor did he call. Shawn knew he could call, but the mere thought made him cringe. He didn’t want to seem clingy.
By Friday, Shawn didn’t know what to think. It didn’t help that Emily and Bee kept asking where Mr. Rutledge was—the question Shawn had no answer for.
Where was he?
There was a niggling thought at the back of Shawn’s mind that Rutledge was a commitment-phobe. Maybe he’d left because this thing between them freaked him out. If that was it, well, fuck him. Shawn would be damned if he’d let himself be the clingy one.
“What’s wrong with you, man?” Christian asked on Friday morning as they took their seats in Rutledge’s class.
“Nothing.”
“You look like shit.”
“Didn’t sleep well,” Shawn muttered, rubbing his eyes. It wasn’t a lie. “I’m just—” He cut himself off, noticing the professor who walked into the classroom.
It wasn’t Rutledge.
His heart sank.
Professor Newland took the seat behind Rutledge’s desk and smiled at the students.
“Good morning,” the woman said cheerfully. “I’ll be substituting for Professor Rutledge until further notice.”
A cheer went through the room.
Shawn lifted his hand.
“Yes, Mr. Wyatt?” Newland said.
“Where is Professor Rutledge?”
She raised her eyebrows. “I don’t think it’s your concern, but if you must know… Professor Rutledge is absent due to family circumstances.”
“Yeah,” the girl sitting on Shawn’s other side murmured. “I’ve seen in the news that he’s marrying some politician’s daughter.”
Shawn stared at her numbly.
Christian put a hand on his shoulder and said something, but he could barely hear it.
Married? Derek?
“It can’t be true,” he whispered, more to himself than to the girl. “He’s gay. And he’s…” Mine.
Except he wasn’t, was he? He didn’t have any right to be angry. They were nothing to each other.
“Are you okay?” Christian said, looking at him with a frown.
“I’m fine.”
“Shawn—”
“I’m fucking fine!” Shawn inhaled deeply and said, softer, “Sorry. I’m fine.”
* * *
Shawn returned home early, dismissed the babysitter, sat on the couch and watched the twins play.
Their dresses were worn out and too small for them. They needed new clothes.
He closed his eyes and thought of how much that would cost. Christmas wasn’t far away, and Christmas was expensive, so he needed to save money. New clothes for the girls would have to wait until he found a better job.
Shawn sighed, rubbing his face. Yeah. That was what he needed to focus on. No more distractions. The kids depended on him.
The couch dipped as the girls suddenly climbed onto it.
“You’re sad,” Bee said.
“We don’t like when you’re sad,” Emily said.
Shawn smiled brightly and wrapped his arms around them, pulling them close. They were warm and smelled of soap and sweets. Of innocence.
“No,” he said. “Of course I’m not sad.”
“When is Mr. Rutledge coming back?” Emily asked once again, her blue eyes wide and glistening with tears. “He promised me a puppy! With a white star on its forehead.”
Bee sucked on her thumb. “Yeah, when is he coming back?”
Shawn’s heart clenched. At that moment, he hated Derek Rutledge more than anything. The girls had no one but Shawn; of course they’d become attached to Derek, since he had been practically living with them for the last couple of weeks.
Shawn smiled, but it felt like
a grimace. “It doesn’t look like he’s coming back, sweetheart.”
Emily’s brows furrowed. “Why?”
How was he supposed to answer that?
Shawn averted his gaze. “Because he has his own family. And it seems his dad asked him to marry.” At least that was the only explanation he could think of. “He’s going to start a family now.”
“Why?” Emily said.
Bee’s lower lip trembled. “Why?”
Shawn looked between them and didn’t know what to say.
“I don’t know, baby,” he murmured, pressing his lips to Bee’s temple and pulling Emily closer. “I don’t know.”
Chapter 22
Shawn woke up in the middle of the night, shivering.
He burrowed deeper under the covers. The room was cold and damp, as usual, but it was harder to ignore after weeks of sharing body heat with another person. He missed being warm.
Shawn sighed, turned onto his stomach and hugged his pillow, angry with himself. This was getting out of hand. Enough. Fuck Rutledge and fuck his stupid warm body. Fuck him.
But no matter what he told himself, the ache in his stomach was still there. The hunger. The need that went beyond sex. He wanted Rutledge’s body next to him, big and warm. He even wanted to hear his scathing remarks, feel his breath against his skin—
Shawn tensed and lifted his head. He could have sworn he heard voices coming from the living room. But the girls couldn’t possibly be awake, right?
Frowning, Shawn climbed out of bed, shivering violently as the cold air hit his skin, and padded towards the door. There was light in the living room, but it meant nothing: he had left the lamp on, since the twins were scared of the dark.
Shawn opened the door quietly and froze.
Rutledge was sitting on the floor beside the girls’ bed, one of the twins in his lap.
Shawn’s heart started to thud in his chest.
He was back.
He was back.
“Where were you?” his sister said, rubbing her eyes sleepily with one hand while the other played with Rutledge’s tie. It was Bee, Shawn decided. Rutledge seemed to have a bit of a soft spot for Bee, though it was strange that Rutledge was tolerating this even from Bee.
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