by Gow, Kailin
Staring at it like it was a poisonous snake ready to strike, a battle waged inside me over whether or not to take it. Sarah and I hadn’t spoken since the day I found the abortion papers and left. Not one word after our epic screaming argument. I hadn’t even seen her anywhere around town, avoiding any place I thought she might be.
“I’ll read it,” I said, extending my hand. Eddie put the envelope in it and for some reason, in that second, I felt like I was cheating on Brooklyn. I didn’t like it. Glancing up, I stared at my uncle. “Regarding what we were discussing earlier, can you please not mention that I’m seeing someone? There are other complications I haven’t shared with you and I need things kept quiet for the time being, until they’re resolved.”
He studied me closely. “Are you in some kind of trouble, kid? Do you need help?”
I laughed. “No, nothing like that. It’s just I promised to keep things quiet so her family wouldn’t find out until she’s eighteen.”
He studied me a few moments longer. “Okay. Just know you can come to me if you need anything.”
“I already knew that. Thanks.”
“Love ya, kid. Take it easy.” Turning away, he disappeared before I could reply.
Sighing, I pushed the rollaway stool to the far corner of my cubicle. Sitting down, staring at the envelope in my hands I slowly began to tear it open, wondering what Sarah could possibly have to say to me. I gently retrieved the papers inside, opening them to find a long, handwritten letter:
Dear Six,
Before you rip this letter up, please, I beg you to give me a chance to say what I have to say. Then you can do whatever you want.
First, I want to apologize for all the pain I caused you. I know there’s no way for words to make up for what I’ve done, but you were right. The baby belonged to both of us and I should’ve come to you before I made any rash decisions.
Old emotions, full of pain, boiled to the surface and my hands trembled slightly. I continued reading.
Now that I’ve had time to consider everything, I think I made a mistake. As a girl, all I heard were stories of friends who got pregnant and then told their boyfriends about it only to have the guys ditch them. I was so afraid if you found out I was pregnant, I’d lose you, too. You’ve said on several occasions that you didn’t want children until much later in life. I’m not blaming this on you—simply stating that this was what led me to my decision. It was my fault for not trusting you to stick by me.
Clenching my jaw, I tried to push forward as the wound inside me was being torn open once more.
I regret what I did. Oh, how I regret it, especially knowing you would’ve stayed. I lie awake at night, rubbing my hand over my flat stomach and wondering how big my belly would be right now, while trying to hold on to what it felt like to lie naked in your arms all night long. Would you be here beside me, caressing my stomach, too? Bringing my body to life everywhere you touch me, just like old times? I miss that. I miss you. I miss how you made love to me anywhere and everywhere.
Images of the time we’d spent together “christening” every room in both of our places, flitted through my mind. We’d been insatiable together, tearing off our clothes at any given opportunity, just so we could join together and be one in the moment. I remembered getting to know every inch of her body—doing things with her I’d never done with anyone else. That was how we’d gotten into this trouble in the first place. I hadn’t always had protection with me, or used it when I did have it. She’d forget to take her pill sometimes, too. It was a recipe for disaster waiting to happen. We’d danced around, playing with fire and got burned. I could take the blame for my part in that, but then she went and destroyed me in the worst possible way.
Please give me another chance, Six. I’m begging you. I was hoping you would eventually come back and talk to me, at least, but I can see that isn’t going to happen. So, I’m trying to make the first move, here.
Let me make it up to you. Come back. We can move in together. We can even get married if you want, and we’ll have lots of beautiful children. I’ll give you all the babies you ever wanted. I just need you to come back. Please. I love you, and I can’t live with this empty horrible ache in my heart any longer. I can’t go on knowing my selfish choices cost me both my child and my love, forever. Come back and the two of us can find a way to heal, together. Please, Six. I love you so much! I don’t know how else to ask or say it, except to say I love you with all my heart. Come back.
Sarah
Sitting in the corner, I stared at nothing, I tried to decipher all the feelings running through me, a myriad of emotions that seemed both welcome and too much to handle at the same time. This was the first time in this whole mess that she’d admitted she’d done something wrong by not telling me about the pregnancy. It was something I needed to hear from her—the one thing that could allow a healing step forward.
Folding the letter, I stood and placed it in my pocket. Grabbing my keys, I left my cubicle and headed toward the front. “I’m taking a long lunch,” I said as I passed my uncle and he nodded.
“Take all the time you need.” I was happy that he didn’t question me any further as I pushed through the front door and headed to my car. I couldn’t have explained my feelings at this point, anyway.
Digging my phone out, I punched in Sarah’s phone number. I’d deleted it from my contact list, but it didn’t matter. I still had it memorized.
“Six?” she answered on the second ring, sounding hesitant.
“Where are you?” I asked.
“I’m at home. I’m off today.”
“Stay there. I’m on my way over.” I ended the call without waiting for her to reply and climbed into my car. The drive passed quickly. I knew the fastest route to her house and I could probably have driven it blindfolded, for all the times I’d driven it before.
Even though we’d never officially moved in together, we might as well have. I often spent a week at a time at her house, only going home to change out my clothes for different ones on occasion, unless she decided to come spend a few days with me. We’d been inseparable. Every single night spent in one or the other’s bed.
Parking in front of her small, tan stucco house, I got out and made my way up the sidewalk. She opened the door before I could knock, looking like the same vision she’d been the first time I laid eyes on her. Her long blonde hair was in a side ponytail draping lightly over her shoulder, against the thin white t-shirt that used to be one of mine. She was bra-less, and I was pretty certain there was nothing under the shirt but a pair of tiny lace panties like she always wore—she bought them on purpose, in bulk, because she knew I liked to rip them off.
I would’ve thought this look had been contrived entirely for my benefit, had it not been for the fact that she wasn’t wearing any makeup and her eyes appeared to be red like she’d been crying. Also, I didn’t fail to notice the pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, half eaten, on the coffee table behind her. That was her go to treat whenever she felt upset.
“Come in,” she said, stepping to the side. I stayed where I was for a moment, trying to shore myself against the memories, both good and bad, that were threatening to tug me under. If I stepped inside, they might consume me.
“I can’t,” I replied, standing firm. “I’m working today and I left early for lunch so I could come see you.”
“Oh,” she said, continuing to stare at me longingly. I could see both hurt and desire in her eyes.
“Listen, I read the letter, and I wanted to thank you for it. I know with the way we left things, it must’ve taken a lot of courage to write.”
“It did,” she agreed, offering no more.
“When I left before, I did so with the intention of never talking to you, again; but after reading this, I knew I had to see you.”
She didn’t speak, but I saw the spark of hope light in her eyes. Stepping closer, I reached out to stroke her cheek but dropped my hand before I touched her. “You and I, what we had was amazi
ng and incredible. I want you to know that I remember that. That’s why everything hurt so badly. I felt like you betrayed my love for you and it nearly destroyed me. Yes, I would’ve stayed. I would’ve made it right. We would’ve been a family.”
“We still can,” she said softly, a tear dripping over the rim of one eye and running down her face.
I shook my head. “We can’t. Don’t you see? You and I could have twelve kids together and I’d always be counting heads, thinking of the one that wasn’t there—the one that will never be there. And then, I’ll blame you for taking its life.”
A sob escaped her and more tears fell.
“I don’t want to be bitter about this for the rest of my life, and I’m afraid that’s exactly what will happen if I stay with you. I’ll grow bitter and I’ll blame both of us—because, let’s face it—both of us are at fault in this.”
“Please, Six. Let’s just try. Maybe it won’t be as bad as you think. Maybe we can get past it, together. We were so good together.”
“We were, but it’s too late.” I hated hurting her, even after everything she’d done; it still bugged me to see her cry.
“Why?” Her bottom lip quivered as she spoke.
I sighed heavily, running a hand through my hair and staring at my shoes for few moments before I looked her in the eye, once more. “I’ve met someone else and I’m crazy about her. She’s…she’s my everything.”
The change in her was immediate, her spine stiffening as she stared at me through her tears. “You’re in love with her.” It was a statement.
“Yes,” I answered truthfully, knowing I was driving a knife into her heart. But she needed to hear the truth so she would know there was no chance at a future for us. “I don’t think I really knew that love could feel like this. It’s so much more than I’ve ever experience before. She’s so completely good, and she loves me. I can’t get over it.” And the final bit of honesty—the one that would be the most painful. “I’ve had feelings for her for over a year.”
“So…while you were with me?” Slumping against the doorframe, she looked devastated.
“Yes. I’d hoped to date her before you and I met, but it didn’t work out at the time. Now it has. Don’t get me wrong. When I was with you, I was committed to you. I just always wondered “what if,” you know? The timing worked out this go around.”
“I see.” I knew she was upset by the way she pressed her lips together. It was the expression that usually preceded an argument.
“Listen, before this conversation takes a turn for the worse, I just wanted you to know I really appreciated the letter. It meant a lot, even if we can’t work things out. I’d really like to leave things between us on the best note possible, if we can. It would be nice to walk away from this knowing we can at least have some great memories intact and move past the anger. You deserve to be happy, with someone who will love you in a way I never can.”
Blowing out her breath like she was releasing air slowly from a balloon, she leaned her head against the doorjamb. “And what if I can’t get over you? Where does that leave me?”
This time I did touch her, running my thumb lightly over her cheek. “You will. Trust me. When you meet the right guy, you aren’t even going to remember my name.”
She leaned into my touch, placing her hand over the back of mine, holding it there tightly. “You’re wrong, Six. I’ll never forget you. You’ll always be the one that got away.” Turning her head, she placed a kiss inside my palm. “I love you,” she whispered, her tears falling rapidly. “I hope someday you can forgive me.”
I didn’t know what to say, wishing I could tell her she was forgiven right now, so she could find the relief she was seeking, but we’d both know it was a lie. The bitter pangs over the loss of my child held strong in my heart. It would be something that would take me a long time to get over—if ever.
“Take care, Sarah,” I said, pulling my hand away. Without waiting for her to reply, I turned and walked back to my car. I knew she was still standing there watching me as I climbed inside, but I didn’t look back.
It was time to leave Sarah and the past behind, and I did, turning the wheel as I drove to meet Brooklyn, my future.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Brooklyn
Six was already waiting for me when Bailey and I pulled into the parking lot near the row of fast food joints. “Pull over there next to him,” I directed her. “We always stay toward the back of the lot to avoid attention.”
Bailey giggled. “You two are both so cloak and dagger all the time. Shoot, I’d do Brandon in a parking space next to the building. I don’t care who sees or hears us.”
“I know,” I replied, rolling my eyes, because I knew she wasn’t kidding. But then what did she really have to hide? I’d wager that most of the male student population of the school already knew what she looked like without any clothes on; and judging from some of the wild parties she’d been to, I was pretty certain plenty of girls had seen her naked with some of those guys, as well. I hadn’t even attended any of those parties and had seen more than I ever wanted to in pictures. Apparently being drunk meant public sex was okay, because everyone was too drunk to care.
It was a good thing Bailey was comfortable in her own skin, because there’d been more naked pictures of her passed around the school than there were probably pictures in the yearbook. She was not at all shy. Whereas I would’ve been mortified by something like that, she was the kind of person who grabbed the phone and said, “Let me see! Oh that one! Ha, ha, ha! You should see this one,” and would proceed to drag out her own phone and show you another.
Yes, the two of us definitely differed in that manner. Six was the only person I ever wanted seeing me naked. Period.
“You two have fun. I’m going inside to eat. You want me to grab you something?” Bailey asked as soon as she’d parked.
“Yeah, just something little, like cheese sticks or jalapeno poppers with some sauce.”
“I’m on it!”
“Thanks,” I replied as we both climbed out. I shut the door and hurried around to the passenger side of Six’s car. “Hey!” I smiled as I slid into the seat and shut the door. Just seeing him made me feel better. There was something about having him close by that simply made me feel happy, like all was right with the world.
He didn’t smile back though, and I felt my smile slip away.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, my heart rate gathering speed, and suddenly I was worried.
“Nothing,” he said, slipping his hands on either side of my face and drawing me to him. Pressing his lips to mine, he kissed me hard, deeply, not releasing his hold on me at all as he plundered my mouth.
My hands sought his face out, too, running over his cheeks before sliding around to the back of his neck and up into his hair. Pulling apart a few millimeters, just to catch our breath, we dove back into the kiss, again.
As usual, my reaction to him was instantaneous. My body combusted in a flurry of both swirling heat, exploding at my heart and sinking in circling trails to pool low in my belly, and the prickles of icy goose bumps that raced rampant over my skin. It felt like every single cell that made me was in love with Six. If my body were to burst into a billion individual molecules, every single one would recognize him and love him as greatly as the whole of my being.
Suddenly, I wanted to skip the rest of school for the day and stay lost in his arms. I was tired of all these snatched moments and hiding our relationship. I wanted to share it with the world! I wanted everyone to know about this amazing thing that was happening. Everything about Six made me feel like I was coming apart at the seams, my feelings growing stronger and stronger until I felt like I wouldn’t be able to contain them much longer. People were going to find out, anyway. Couldn’t they see it on my face? In the language of my body? I was in love—glorious love—with him! I wanted to shout it from the rooftops.
Breaking away slightly, he leaned his forehead against mine, staring at me, his warm he
avy breaths caressing my already overly sensitive skin.
“What brought all that on?” I asked, relishing the action of his thumbs rubbing over my cheeks.
“I just needed you to know that I love you—more than anything.” His words made my heart both soar and feel like it was plummeting. Something was different about him. He seemed sad.
“Has something happened I should know about?” I asked, searching his eyes. Something was definitely off.
Sighing, he released me and leaned back in the driver’s seat. “I got something unexpected, today.”
“What?” Tiny, liquid tendrils of fear began to creep around my heart, squeezing it as they turned to ice.
Shifting, he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a letter. “I’m going to show this to you—not to hurt you or upset you, but so you know the truth about everything. I don’t want there being any secrets between us.” He extended it out to me and I took it.
“What is it?” I asked, trepidation continuing to fill me.
“It’s a letter from my ex, Sarah.”
This couldn’t be a good thing—not at all. Settling back in my seat I tried not to let panic overtake me as I pulled the papers inside from the envelope. Opening it, I began reading the words written.
A painful knot began forming in my throat as I read Sarah’s tortured words, begging Six to forgive her and come back. But when she spoke of lying naked in his arms and how he used to make love to her anywhere and everywhere, I started shaking. Sarah had lived the life with him that I wanted now. She’d had him in every way possible. She’d carried his child—all things that I would come second to. Six had told me he loved her. Suddenly, I felt like the intruder to their happy ending. Sarah wanted him back. She wanted to make it right. She wanted to heal the scars inside him, something I could never do.
Lifting my head, I couldn’t help the single tear that escaped as I looked at him. “What are you going to do?” I asked, dropping the letter back into his lap, not wanting to touch it any longer than I had to. It was like poison to my soul.