“Pleeeeease?” Eden begged.
He was unaffected by her charms, and I moved on, wishing I hadn’t initiated the possibility of a balloon. Now I had two wailing children, and no one was slowing down to smile or wave at them. Instead, people were glaring at me.
As soon as we entered the women’s clothing section of the department store, I caved and broke out the snacks. I handed the bag to Eden. “Share with your brother, please. And if you have to go to counseling one day, I’ll pay for it.”
She stopped fussing and turned into the cute big sister who was showing anyone who glanced at them that she was helping her brother.
We arrived home two hours later with several shopping bags and crumbs everywhere. Neither of the kids was interested in lunch. They just wanted to wiggle and move and get out all the energy they had stockpiled on our outing. Fortunately, Joel was up, and he was happy to get on the floor and wrestle with them.
We slid through the weekend with more normal days like that. Joel was home all day Monday. Our plan was to take the kids to a park, but it turned out to be a cooler than usual, with clouds that threatened rain but never delivered. We stayed home, Joel napped, I caught up on laundry.
Around three thirty Joel was up. He had the cooking channel on and was folding bath towels on the sofa. “What time is Eden’s class?” Joel asked.
“Four.”
“If you take her, I can finish the laundry and make dinner.”
“It’s a deal.”
Eden had no preference about who should take her, unlike her strong opinion on the matter several weeks ago. I was glad because getting out the door was drama-free. I was also happy that Joel hadn’t suggested he take her. I’m not sure how it would have been if Garrett was there and struck up a conversation with Joel since I still hadn’t told Joel about him.
As I pulled into the parking lot, I realized that Tiffany might be there with Violet this time. If she was, would she know who I was? What if both Tiffany and Garrett were there with their daughter? Would it be awkward to carry on a conversation with both of them? Or would seeing them together normalize everything? Maybe if I thought of them as a couple, the way Garrett probably thought of Joel and me, it would change the imbalance that might come from seeing Garrett alone again.
Tiffany wasn’t there. Garrett came alone with Violet, and she and Eden were elated to see each other. The vision of their tutus being squished into a halo of fluffy pinkness as they threw their arms around each other was adorable.
Garrett greeted me with a shy grin. “Playin’ hard to get, are ya?”
“Excuse me?”
“I messaged you a couple of times. You didn’t reply.”
“Oh. I, uh…”
“I just needed your address,” he said. “To send you the pictures of your mom.”
I had completely forgotten about the photos. “Why don’t you just bring the pictures next week?”
“Okay.” He followed me over to the folding chairs lined up under the window. “Mind if I sit here?”
“No, of course not.”
Garrett’s large frame didn’t exactly fit on the chair. I crossed my legs so that we wouldn’t be touching. He leaned closer and in a low voice said, “I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable by talking about our moms.”
“No. It was good, actually. I appreciated the chance to talk about my mom.”
“It’s painful to lose someone you love,” he said.
I glanced at him and looked back at the tiny dancers. I nodded but didn’t say anything.
Garrett shifted uncomfortably and in almost a whisper he said, “Did you feel like that, in a way, when we broke up?”
A burst of adrenaline shot through me, and I stood up. I didn’t mean to, but it was as if he had struck a nerve. “I think I left my phone in the car,” I mumbled, and hurried out to the parking lot.
I wasn’t going to share with Garrett how I felt when he broke my heart. Not now, not ever. He didn’t need to know. I didn’t need to revisit that time in my life. I refused to describe to him or to anyone else the humiliation and deep gut-wrenching pain that his choices had caused me.
I unlocked the car, slid into the driver’s seat, and locked the door. Leaning my head back on the headrest, I tried to slow my breathing. I didn’t want to think about the past. I didn’t want to go back into the studio. I didn’t want to talk to Garrett. I didn’t want to be near him.
This is too difficult. I should have told Joel about Garrett weeks ago. I wish I hadn’t shared all those deep feelings about my mother with Garrett. He’s acting as if he now has access to all my feelings.
I hated that I was back into an unstable place with my contrary emotions. The last few days with Joel had been so good. I wanted to move ahead, not fall back.
A tap on the car window made me jump. I turned to see not Garrett, thankfully, but Emily. I couldn’t roll down the window without putting the keys in the ignition, so I awkwardly opened the door an inch.
“Hi,” Emily said.
“Hi.”
She seemed to be trying to figure out what I was doing, sitting alone in my car.
I pointed to the empty passenger’s seat and unlocked the door. She went around the car, slipped into the seat, and said hi again.
“Hi.”
We both smiled.
“Eden is in dance class.”
“Oh.” Emily pointed at the chain clothing store that anchored the small shopping center. “I was going to see if I could find a jean jacket like the one at Tess’s.”
“That’s funny because I just bought a pair of boot-cut jeans a few days ago as a result of Tess’s advice.”
“She had quite an effect on all of us. Christy told me at church yesterday that she cleaned out her closet and tossed all her blah beige tops.”
I realized that Emily’s presence brought an immediate calm to me, the same way she had when Alex was born. I wondered if she knew that was her superpower, as Sierra would call it.
“Do you want to shop with me?” Emily asked.
“I probably should go back inside so that Eden doesn’t notice I’m gone.”
“Are you okay?” Emily asked.
“Yeah. Just…you know, tired, I guess. I probably shouldn’t sit here in the warm car, or I’ll fall asleep and not wake up until Wednesday.” I forced a laugh out of my tightened throat and fiddled in my purse on my lap.
“I won’t keep you.” Emily looked at me closely.
Of all the women in the DOEs, Emily had seen me at my most frantic moment. When a woman has participated in the delivery of your baby, it’s difficult to simply slap on a smile and expect her to believe everything is as it should be.
I realized that Emily knew me. She knew something was wrong.
She was timid, though. Reserved and thoughtful. True to her nature, Emily gave my arm a squeeze and said, “Call me if you want to talk or anything.”
“Thanks, Em.”
She started to get out of the car but leaned in and said, “Did you see the text Sierra sent about us going to the movies next Wednesday night?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“It’s a movie that will supposedly inspire us for our spring picnic because of the elaborate setting and cinematography.” Emily smiled.
“Oh, okay. I’ll check her text.” I glanced out the windshield toward the studio. “I feel like a horrible mother for leaving Eden in there. I should go.”
Getting out, I locked the car doors, and Emily and I walked through the parking lot together. I slipped back into the dance studio and stayed by the door, keeping my gaze on Eden. I was aware that Garrett was still in his chair next to the one I had vacated. I was also aware that he looked over at me a number of times.
I was resolved to move on. No more personal conversations of any sort. This would be E
den’s last class. She wouldn’t come again. I would delete the game app. Garrett could keep the pictures. Or throw them away. I had loads of photos of my mom. I didn’t need to rely on him for anything, including a few fragments of my mom captured in a picture.
With my shoulders back, I kept looking straight ahead, fixed on my graceful little ballerina.
When class was over, our girls clasped hands and scooted over to where I was standing. Garrett came and stood beside me, but not too close. Our daughters were beaming. We both gave them lots of praise and ended up walking out the door at the same time. I held Eden’s hand, Garrett held Violet’s, and then the two girls linked hands. We walked across the parking lot as if the four of us were connected. Like best friends. Or a family.
We reached my car first. Garrett and Violet lingered as I settled Eden into her car seat. The two girls were jabbering with each other. I pulled back, ready to close the door as the girls merrily waved their goodbyes.
“I’ll bring the pictures next week,” Garrett said. “And sorry about the, you know, the comment. I just want make sure we’re all good.”
I looked at him for only a second, trying my best to appear calm. “Yeah, we’re good. Nothing to pick apart or review from the past. I’m all about the future.”
I sensed his surprise. My tone was brusque compared to what I had written during our long messaging session. But that’s the way I wanted it to be now.
“Right. The future,” he repeated with an odd grin.
I walked over to my door and was about to get inside when Garrett called over the top of the car, “To infinity and beyond!”
I clenched my teeth and refused to look at him. That had been my line. Our line. Our way of secretly messaging that our relationship would go on and on—to infinity and beyond. That one day we would marry and be together for always.
Why did he toss that line at me? What is he thinking? This has gotten too personal.
I felt the tears brimming as I realized that Garrett knew me. He knew intimate details about my thoughts and my feelings from the past, and because I had opened up to him so easily through our messaging, he knew more about what I was going through than Joel did.
The understanding of what I had done by letting Garrett into my heart then and now unnerved me. I drove home angry at myself and determined that I would tell Joel everything tonight.
Joel had dinner on the table when Eden and I arrived back home. I had managed to develop a pounding headache. After the meal, in a gesture of prioritizing my self-care, I asked Joel if he would mind putting the kids to bed. I retreated upstairs, where I took a hot bath with bath salts and went to bed.
I could hear Joel coaxing Eden to get in bed and promising one more story if she didn’t stall. I heard Alex cry at some point for only a few minutes. My eyes were closed. My heart was aching, and my body was limp. I slept for nine hours without waking even once. I was pretty sure it was a new record for my mommy years.
The world was a different place when I got up on Tuesday morning. I made buckwheat pancakes with blueberries for breakfast and covered the top of my short stack with apricot preserves. Scrumptious.
Joel made me laugh as he interacted with the kids as they ate. He was full of funny voices and big grins. He reminded me of his dad.
Joel had the day off again. It was so rare. The promise of more time together seemed to be coming true. We ventured out, all four of us, to the beach around eleven o’clock. The weather was clear, warm, and as perfect as a summer day in a movie. It had been months since the four of us had done anything like this, especially something spontaneous. The beach in Newport was practically empty. A random Tuesday at the end of February was not a day that anyone planned to go.
We parked near our old rental house out of habit. Since the house was so close to Christy’s, it took great restraint for me to not persuade Joel that I should knock on the door and invite her to join us.
This day was for us. Just us. I brought a blanket and a diaper bag with an assortment of helpful items for the kids. Joel spread out the blanket near the lifeguard tower, and Eden squealed with joy when she found a plastic bucket partially buried in the sand. The kids played together with the bucket, Eden did twirls, and Alex settled into a pocket of warm sand where he wiggled his toes. He seemed fascinated with the seagulls as they soared over the water and picked their way across the firm wet sand on toothpick-thin legs.
“Come here.” Joel was stretched out on the blanket with his elbows bent and his fingers folded behind his head.
I scooted closer, casting a quick glance at Alex, who was only a few feet away. I wanted to make sure he had caught on that the sand was not for eating.
Joel reached over and ran his hand down my back, gently twisting my long hair around his fingers. “Remember when we moved here, and we would come to the beach every chance we got?”
“Um-hmm.” I tilted my face up to the pale February sky. The sun felt just right. Not too hot. The breeze was gentle. Not too cool, not too windy. It was a perfect Southern California beach day.
“How many sunsets do you think we watched, sitting right about here?”
“A hundred,” I said.
“No, four hundred,” Joel countered. “At least. Every one of them was different.”
I opened my eyes, checking on Eden, who was bending over, drawing in the damp sand with her finger. Alex was putting a handful of sand in the bucket and then dumping it out.
“We had so many dreams back then,” Joel said.
“And here we are,” I added. “Watching two of those dreams that came true. Three,” I added, “if you want to include the dream of your being a full-time chef and part owner in a successful restaurant.”
“What about you?” Joel slid his hand under the back of my shirt, resting it on the curve of my lower back. That spot was one of the few places that hadn’t retained stretch marks or extra ripples or cellulite. I was well aware of all the changes to the landscape of my body whenever Joel touched them. Where his hand now rested somehow made me feel feminine. Alluring and desirable. An easy smile found its way to my lips.
“You make me feel lovely,” I said softly.
Joel rolled on his side and propped himself up on his elbow, keeping his hand on my undimpled skin. “You are more than lovely,” he said. “You are the most beautiful woman I know.”
I let his words, his gaze, his touch fill up all the places in my soul where so much emotional shrapnel had left gouges. I felt the same way I did when I first fell in love with him. My heart had been skeptical. What if he left me, the way Garrett had? What if I was only fooling myself that this handsome, talented, loving man cared for me?
Joel had been so patient. I had revealed very little to him of my past heartbreak. All Joel knew was that I asked for time to let our relationship grow slowly. He gave me months before he even kissed me. A full year and a half before he proposed and a ten-month engagement. It was perfect. All of it. Just enough time. Just enough confidence. Just enough mystery.
The day we walked down the aisle and looked each other in the eye and said, “Yes,” we were both overwhelmed by love. We were in love with each other. In love with love. In love with us.
I longed to feel that way again.
But something seemed to still keep us at a distance. I didn’t want to believe that the space between us was filled with the secret of my communication with Garrett, crowding out the flow of my love for Joel. Instead, I wanted to attribute our communication issues to Joel’s career and his rarely being around this last year.
The reality was that he wasn’t working right now. He was here. Very present. Very attentive. Very kind.
I looked out at the expansive blue of the ocean, lost in a sea of unexpected sadness.
Chapter 13
“What are you thinking right now?” Joel asked me.
“I’m th
inking…” I hesitated. This did not seem like the ideal moment to open my heart to him. But then, when was the ideal moment to tell your husband that you realized you had been unintentionally attaching yourself to another man?
“Joel, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you.”
His amber eyes peered at me above his lowered sunglasses. “Is it by any chance how much you love me? How patient you’ve been all these months, and how I should smother you with kisses to show my appreciation?”
“Well…” It always amazed me how my husband could go from zero to physically affectionate in two seconds.
Joel’s hand moved to my side and he tickled me. I leaned into him, laughing and protesting, but only a little.
Eden took our mirth as an invitation to a family free-for-all and dove onto the blanket with sprinkles of sand flying everywhere. Poor Alex didn’t know what to think of the mayhem and burst into tears.
I untangled myself from our giddy little octopus girl and turned to gather up Alex.
“It’s okay, sweetheart. We’re just playing. Do you want to play with us?”
Alex kept wailing over Eden’s shrieks of delight and Joel’s deep laugh. I lifted Alex and made a surprised face, then pulled him close and kissed his check. His sandy fingers went into his mouth, and a smile emerged. Soon he was laughing with the rest of us.
The burst of joy prompted Joel to rise to his feet and lift Eden. I turned away and used my hand to shield Alex as another flurry of sand blew our way.
“Let’s have a race.” Joel put her down where the gently foaming waves had made the sand moist and firm. “Ready? Set?”
Eden shouted, “Go!” She took off with her arms bent and her face forward as if she were a trained athlete, determined to come in first.
I held Alex close, brushing the sand from his face and hands and watching my charmer of a husband and daddy pretend to be puffing along, trying to keep up with Eden’s pace.
Being Known Page 12