by Mia Ford
I blow out a couple of breaths. “Okay, trust you, I can do that.”
“I will meet you from work, and on time. I don’t want you to finish late today, and I will have something with me. A nice outfit for you to wear on your magical evening… that way, if it sucks and you hate him, at least you’ll look nice. Sounds good, right?”
I laugh despite myself. “I don’t know if you’re trying to make me feel better or not, and I don’t know if it’s working, but I’m going to go now. I will see you when I finish work.”
“On time,” she reminds me. And she’s probably right to do so. “No workaholic Addison today.”
I hang up the phone and slump into my desk seat, trying to take some calming breaths. We did a mindfulness course once as a team building exercise and I promised myself that I’d do it every single day to get a sense of calm, but now when I need it most, I can’t even remember how to do it.
Bloody typical.
“It’s going to be fine,” I mutter quietly to myself. “It’s just one silly little date, I can do that. Everyone does it. It’s weird not to.” I nod as if the words I’m feeling are making me feel any better at all. “Once I lose my dating virginity, it won’t be so difficult.”
Shit, even the word ‘virginity’ does it. It reminds me of Jace and the ghosts of our past. I immediately think about the magical night where we finally gave ourselves to one another wholly. It was wonderful, more than I ever dared to hope for. He treated me with such kindness, such respect, such love, every touch was more incredible than the last… I fell more in love with him than I ever thought possible, it seemed like my real life and my happy ever after was within my grasp.
But then of course, he ruined it by cheating. He destroyed me from the inside out.
God, I really do need to move on!
6
JACE
I blow out a breath of air as I step off the stage, glad to be done. I wipe the sweat from my eyes and let a small smile play on my lips, the light at the end of the tunnel encasing me. I did a good job out there, I think. I gave it my all because I know it’s the last time I’ll need to do it for a while. It feels great to be free.
“What time are we flying back to LA?” Andrew asks Billy. “Is it in the morning? Can we go out tonight?”
Billy nods reluctantly. He knows The Puppeteers always go a little too far on the final night because we know that we have plenty of time to get over the hangover. It gives him the job of clearing up our public relations disasters which I suppose pisses him of, but he gets paid enough as our manager.
“I’m not coming out with you guys,” I say carefully, knowing that it will create a stir. “I’m not flying back to LA either. I need to go and visit my mom. She… needs me. She needs me.”
They don’t know what to say to that, and how could they? I haven’t given them anything to go on. My mom could be really ill or she could be okay, she could just need a hand putting up some pictures or something. Since I haven’t given any indicator either way, they can’t argue, which was exactly why I did it. Truth be told, my mom doesn’t even know that I’m coming. I’m going to surprise her…
“Oh right.” Jed hangs his head low. “Sorry, we didn’t know…”
Ah, I see what’s going on here. He thinks this might have something to do with my recent behavior. I could argue with them but to be honest at this point it’s easier to let them just believe this. It’ll smooth things over when we get back together. I don’t want to deal with any awkwardness.
“It’s okay. You guys have a good time. I just need to check on her.”
“Right, well…” Billy pats me reassuringly on the shoulder. “You let us know what’s going on.”
“Yeah, okay, I will do. I need to get to the airport right now. Make sure you have a good night.”
I smile at the boys, glad to have them around me for a moment now that I’ve reached the light at the end of the tunnel. They are good guys and we do have a great bond. They haven’t done anything wrong, they haven’t changed at all. It’s me and this bad patch that I’m going through, that’s all.
“Right, I better go. I’ll see you guys afterwards.”
We hug and say our goodbyes, then I grab the small bag that I’ve packed to take to my mom’s place, and I head out to get a cab. I breathe deep, the fresh air feels good in my lungs, I can’t wait to see how it’ll feel when I get back to Mom’s. It’ll either be the best thing I’ll ever do or the worst. Who the hell knows?
I wipe the sleep from my eyes and stretch out looking at the bright morning sun, smiling at my home town. The place where I grew up and also went to college. I haven’t been back for far too long, and I didn’t realize how much I missed it. It won’t be long now until I’m back with my mother and I honestly cannot wait.
Yes, she’s going to kick my ass for waiting such a long time, but she’ll also be pleased.
“Here!” I say to the cab driver as I see the very familiar yellow building in front of me. “Here is home.”
I toss a couple of bills at the man, unsure what a cab costs here anymore, and I toss my bag onto my shoulder. With a giant grin, I practically bound up to the front door. I knock, wanting to keep it as much of a surprise as possible. Mom calls that she’s on her way and I try to imagine what she’s doing inside. Sipping tea and washing probably. That’s the way I always remember her. Grinning as she took great care of me.
“Holy shit!” Mom screams as she swings the door open. “Jace. What are you…?”
She claps her hands over her mouth, tears brimming in her eyes. I see a million different emotions cross her face, she was always like that, an open book, but eventually she settles on mild irritation. I knew she would.
“You never come to see me,” she tuts. “I have to learn about your life from TV. And it isn’t something to be proud of as a mother, I can tell you that. And you look so different.”
She opens the door wide and lets me inside. I go willingly. The familiarity is comforting; it makes me feel more like myself than I have done in a very long time.
“So, what are you doing here?” Mom immediately sticks the kettle on. “Has the tour finished?”
“It finished last night. I got an overnight plane to be here nice and early.”
“And you didn’t tell me you were coming? I could have been more prepared.”
“I wanted to surprise you.” I shrug. “I thought it would be nice. Goodness, Miss Felicia Fairs, anyone would think that you aren’t happy to see your boy!”
She races to me and throws her arms around me. “It is a nice surprise. It’s just… I don’t know, it’s a little weird, isn’t it? Now, you’re a famous rock star, not so much my little boy anymore.”
I want to make a joke about it, but the thick ball of emotion gets locked in my throat, blocking anything. I know what she means. She misses who I used to be and I do as well. More and more every day.
“I haven’t changed so much that I can’t enjoy a home cooked meal…” I tease weakly.
“At this time in the morning?” She shakes her head. “I suppose you are jet lagged. I can fix you something.”
I grin and take a sip of the massive mug of coffee that she’s given me. “Thanks, Mom. I really appreciate it.”
“So, how are things?” She might ask this idly but I know there’s more to it. She isn’t just asking for the sake of it. She wants to really dissect everything and to see how I’m doing. The problem is I don’t really know.
“Yeah, okay.” I shrug half-heartedly. “Just tired after everything. Could use a rest.”
“Well, you know your bedroom is still the same. I never changed it in case you wanted to come back, so you’re more than welcomed to have a sleep when you want. You are staying for a while, aren’t you?”
“I am.” I nod and give her the puppy dog eyes. “If that’s okay with you?”
“Of course it is.” I spot her giving me a side eyed stare. “Dare I ask how long for?”
I sigh and
hang my head low. “I don’t know, Mom. I’m not too sure yet.”
“You don’t have a deadline for the next thing you need to do?”
I don’t know how to answer this, so I don’t. I wasn’t expecting to get quite so heavy this quickly, I thought that we’d have more time just casually catching up on small talk, but I should know my mom. She cuts through the bullshit quickly and gets to the route of the problem. It really has been a while; I shouldn’t be shocked.
“No, Mom, for the time being I don’t have a deadline. I’m taking a time out.”
“Time out? Is everything okay?” She sits opposite me, her gaze piercing right through me.
“Everything is fine, it’s just… I don’t know. I need a break, that’s all.”
“Okay…” she drawls slowly. “Well, as long as everything is alright, that’s all that I care about. I mean, you are still enjoying it, aren’t you? You aren’t… unhappy?”
I can’t lie to Mom and she knows it. “I don’t know. I just don’t feel like me…”
“Hmmm, you don’t look like you. I think I said that when you first came in.”
“Yes, so I need to work out what I want.” I toss my hands in the air in frustration. “That’s all. Work out where my life is going and what the future holds.”
“Right, I see.” Mom takes a second to ponder this. “So, you want more?”
“I don’t know what I want. That’s the problem.”
“You don’t have to do the band, if that’s what you’re worried about. I know it might not be the easiest thing to pull away from the only life that you’ve known as an adult, but if it isn’t making you happy…”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“I’m not trying to make it sound easy, I’m just letting you know that you have options.”
She always knows just when to leave a conversation, to give me just enough to think about, then she exits and allows me to make my own mind up. I can tell that’s what she’s trying to do here, but the topic of conversation that she switches to is too sudden, too shocking. It completely blows me away.
“So, I saw Addie the other day. Do you remember her? The girl you were seeing for a while in college…”
Seeing? Fucking seeing. I know Mom means well but the way that she dismisses the most intense relationship of my life is like someone has stabbed a knife right into me. There’s an actual pain in my chest. A wheezing in my lungs. I don’t know if Mom can tell though because she carries on as if it’s nothing.
“She didn’t see me, of course. She’s always so busy these days, walking about at the speed of light with her head down, but she is still very beautiful. It’s a shame that things didn’t work out…”
“Mom, I can’t…” I have to shut her down, I can’t listen to this. Especially knowing what I’m about to do with the whole dating agency madness. “I can’t think about Addie right now. Or anyone from my past.”
“I don’t know anyone else from your past, you know. She’s the only one I ever met. I see the other girls that you are… going on dates with in the papers and on television. Sometimes my friends from the hairdressers tell me what they’ve seen online, but I never meet any of them.”
“Hmmm, yeah. Well they aren’t really girlfriends though. Some of them I barely know, I’m just standing with them at the time the press arrives to take a few pictures.”
“Right, but Addie was a girlfriend, right?” She sips her drink, trying to look innocent. “I wonder if you’ll bump into her while you’re here.”
A heat rises in my cheeks. I don’t know if I can contain it. A big part of me wants to just tell Mom to get her advice on the crazy plan but I know I can’t. One because I can just imagine what she might say, and two because I may still change my mind.
“It would be nice if you bumped into her, I’d like to see her again,” Mom continues. “She was good for you. I remember how happy you were when you were with her. Much more like you…”
“Hmm yeah, well that didn’t quite… workout, did it?” Even at the time, I didn’t tell her the truth.
“That’s a shame, isn’t it?”
Her words twist in my gut, I almost want to throw up. It’s time to end this conversation now, so I make my excuses and head up to the bedroom which is a shrine to who I once was before I left, before I got famous. It’s just another dagger in the chest, and a reminder that I really need to figure this shit out.
7
ADDISON
“…So, that’s the funniest thing about accounting. It’s a much wilder life than people think.”
Max chuckles to himself while twisting his sweaty hands around and around. It’s clear that he’s nervous, but that doesn’t make it any easier. It’s probably worse really because I haven’t got a damn clue what to say to him. I know this might be my first ever date so I don’t have anything to compare it to, but this seems like a bad one.
“Accounting does sound…” I gulp. “Fun. Working for a newspaper can be pretty nuts too.”
“Oh, I used to know a guy who worked for a newspaper, he had a mental time…”
Max proceeds to tell me all about his friend, completely jumping over my chance to talk about myself, I tuned out. I’m not exactly one who wants to bleat on about myself, but surely, I should be given a chance to say something as well? Conversations are supposed to be a two-way things. Not just me listening in.
What did we have in common? I ask myself desperately. There has to be a reason Luci and I picked him.
But nothing comes to mind. I can’t remember anything. His profile is just a blank in my mind, a bit like him.
“Do you want another drink?” Max pipes up finally grabbing my attention. “More wine?”
“Sure…” I slug back the rest of my drink quickly. “Sounds great, wine. Thank you.”
I have drunk more than I was going to, more than Luci advised, but I can’t seem to stop myself. After the initial moment of panic, with the help of Luci and the outfit she got for me, I got myself all worked up and excited about tonight. I reminded myself that of course I wasn’t going to find the love of my life, but I would have a good time and get used to the idea of dating. I didn’t even mind the idea of a confidence knock because I thought it would be character building. I thought it would be a necessary experience that would put me level with everyone else… what I didn’t expect was to be bored to death all night long. To wish I wasn’t here.
“So, Allie…”
“Addie,” I pipe up, getting annoyed by him constantly calling me the wrong name. “I mean Addison.”
“Right, Addison, sorry.” He smacks his forehead hard. “It’s hard to keep track sometimes. I go on so many dates that I forget who I’m with sometimes. I hope you get it; I know you get it.”
I try to force out a laugh but that really isn’t funny. Is it normal to admit that he’s been on so many dates? I suppose in a way it’s him being honest, but in another way it feels incredibly rude. He doesn’t even care.
I don’t want to be here. I jump up from my chair, hardly thinking. I need to get out.
“I erm… I’m just going to the bathroom,” I improvise. “I will be back in a moment.”
“Yes, okay, well I will make sure there is some wine by the time you get back.”
Before I even leave the table, he has his cell phone out, and he doesn’t even try to hide the fact that he’s on a dating app. There’s absolutely no consideration for me at all. I mean, I knew that this wasn’t going well, but does he have to look for someone else while I’m still here? Is this the cesspool that I’ve let myself in to?
I grab my bag and race towards the bathroom with my heart pounding in my throat. As soon as I’m inside, I lock myself in a cubical and I fire off a text to Luci. She said that she would be there on the other end of the line if an emergency occurred, and I really think this qualifies. I don’t know what the hell to do.
My fingers shake as I grab my phone out of my bag, I’m trembling all over. I’m a mess
. If this doesn’t constitute as an emergency, then I don’t know what does. I need an escape.
Addison: Help me, Luci! This is going terribly x
Luci: What’s going on? x
Addison: He’s so boring. And dreadful. He’s on dating sites as we speak. x
Luci: Okay yeah, that does sound pretty bad. Do you need a call to get you out? x
Addison: Yes, I do. Desperately. This is a nightmare. Save me, Luci! Save me x
Luci: Are you sure? You aren’t just panicking because it’s your first one? x
Addison: No, this is bad. It’s really bad. I can’t describe it to you over text x
Luci: Okay, in about ten minutes I will contact you. Make up some emergency x
Addison: Thank you. You’re a life saver. I’m in the bathroom now so I’ll head back x
Luci: I’ll meet you at your place. You can tell me all about it and we’ll have a laugh x
The idea of turning this into a funny anecdote and to have a laugh about it with my friends, makes me feel a little lighter about it. I know Luci has some bad dating stories herself, so that makes me much less alone. I clutch my phone to my chest and grin, no longer shaking. I can escape this. It’s nearly over. Then I don’t have to do it again for a long time. I’ve done the whole dating thing now; Luci will be sated. I can go back to normal.
“Right, now I need to go back to the table,” I mutter quietly to myself while smoothing my dress down. “Play at it for a few more minutes. Then I can go home and see Luci.”
I let out a little giggle, only partly forced. It’ll be good to joke about this, it will. I will feel much better… I can’t feel any worse than I do right now anyway so that’s something.
I press the door, just about to push it open, but two female voices burst in. I don’t know why but it stops me. Or maybe I’m just looking for an excuse not to go back out there. Truth be told I’m so gutted. I thought I’d cracked it with the whole profile thing, I thought I knew what sort of man I was going out with, but I had no clue.