by Mia Ford
But then again, she did want me to leave. She was done with me, that’s why I left. Perhaps she hasn’t seen any of it because she isn’t looking, and even if she does, she hasn’t shown any sign of caring. She has my number now, she could call me if she wanted to, but she doesn’t, so I can’t focus on that.
“Right.” I sip my coffee and nod determinedly. “Time to call Billy.”
It takes me a couple of attempts, but I finally work up the courage to hit the call button. The ring vibrates it my ear, it makes me painfully nervous. But I know that at the end of it, freedom will be in sight.
“Hey, Jace.” Billy sounds friendly and happy. I hate that I have to shatter it. “How are you?”
“Erm, not good, Billy, if I’m honest. I guess you know what’s going on?”
“Andrew has filled me in a bit. I know you’re struggling with your future at the moment…”
“I want to leave the band.” I blurt it out without thinking too much, ripping the BAND-AID off.
“Oh no, you aren’t, are you? I really didn’t want to hear that. I was hoping we could move forward.”
“I’m sorry, Billy. I know this sucks, and I hate what I’m doing to you and the boys. But I need to do what’s right for me and my heart isn’t in it anymore. I can’t keep it up. I’ve been thinking non-stop about it, and I know for sure that I can’t keep doing it. I can’t be who you need me to be.”
“The band won’t be the same without you…”
“I know, I understand that, but the boys are good. They will do fine with someone new.”
“I don’t think that’s what they want though,” Billy tells me regretfully. “They’d prefer you.”
He’s right, I’m sure they all want me to stick around, but I know what I want now and I’m not about to be indecisive again. I’m about to head into some crazy distant future in which anything could happen.
“I’m so sorry to do this to you, I am, but it’s what I need to do.”
“I understand. There will be paperwork and a press conference. Are you prepared for that?”
I would of course rather get away without any of it, but it’s the least I can do. The right thing for the boys. The final stab to ensure that their future is sorted without me. I owe them that much.
“No problem. I can do that. Whatever you need. Thank you, Billy.”
“No worries. I guess I will get planning on what happens next then.”
We talk for a little while longer, during which time he only tries to persuade me to stay one more time. I think he can sense that not only is my mind made up, but it’s the best thing for everyone too. Now the band can move on with everything in the right way, with a new lead singer who can give them what they need.
It works. Lots of bands do it and it’s just fine, I know they will all be good without me.
Now it’s time for me to focus on what my life will be next. That’s scary and exciting…
I sit at the table, the microphone in front of me, nerves zig zagging through me. All eyes are on me, everyone is waiting expectantly for me to say something profound, but my mind has gone completely blank.
I have had to do things like this before, press conferences, but never alone. I’ve always had the boys around me to steer things in the right direction. They are better at talking than me, which is why it worked so well.
I dart my eyes to one side and see the boys there by my side, supporting me. I don’t think any of them understand what’s going on with me, I know they don’t get my decision because they wouldn’t ever want to leave the band, but they are supporting me nonetheless. They are by my side, helping me through this.
It seems like they are my friends after all. I’m going to make sure I keep in touch with them.
“I am leaving The Puppeteers because I would like to pursue solo options,” I say robotically, just about remembering what Billy told me to say. “I have had a great time with the band, but it’s time for me to move on. I am sorry for this disappointment to the fans, I didn’t mean for that to happen, but I hope they can still support the boys in everything that comes next. The band will still be going very strong. I’m sure they will be coming out with some fantastic new music which I hope you will all be very excited about.”
I’m sure there are many more words that I need to say, but it’s done now. It’s a miracle that I managed to get them out. It will have to do. I can feel Billy stressing behind me, willing me to say everything that he told me to, but I don’t even try. The main points are out there, that’s all that matters. I’ve briefed up the band, I’ve let people know that I won’t be a part of it anymore, what more could they want?
“Erm.” Billy leans across me, I can sense the stress coming through. “If there are any questions…”
Everyone stands up and raises their hand at once. Maybe I should have said more after all. I don’t really want to be stuck answering a hundred things all in one go. This is horrible. A hand rests on my shoulder which I soon realize belongs to Jed. He wants to know that even if he can’t talk for me, he’s here with me.
“Is this because of Callie?” someone cries out. “Are you leaving to be with her?”
I laugh and shake my head. “No. I’m not with Callie.”
“Why did you break up?”
“We weren’t ever together. That was all just media rumors.”
“She confirmed it. She said that you are a couple.”
Billy leans across me again. “Next question, please,” he says sharply, much to my gratitude. I really don’t want to spend this time talking about someone who used me for her fifteen minutes of fame.
“When are The Puppeteers bringing out a new album?”
I lean back and let Jed answer. This isn’t anything to do with me anymore, and that’s freeing. I kinda like that I don’t have to worry about the music anymore. I will somehow find a way to channel my love and passion into something new, something fun, something that I love.
Jed talks for a while smoothly, discussing the process to find a new lead singer and what this will mean for the band. I wonder if I should get a rise of jealousy, but that doesn’t happen. Maybe it will when I see the new singer, but of course, it will be too late then. Hopefully, I will have something of my own then.
“Jace,” someone yells. “What are you going to do next?”
“I… I don’t know,” I admit. “I don’t know honestly. I haven’t planned that far. I have a lot of choices I am just trying to work out which one suits me the best.”
“So, you’re going to go solo?”
That isn’t my plan, but I shrug. “I don’t know. That’s one of my options.”
“If this isn’t a love life thing, and it isn’t to go solo, then what is it?”
The only person I can think of is Addie. I try not to think of her for most of the time because it kills me, but now she floods my mind. I don’t even know what I’m saying, the words just fell out of my mouth.
“I want to see the one person I have loved and lost. I want to see her once more to try again. We shouldn’t, we had our first and second chance, but I know that I will never be able to let her go. She isn’t the reason I’m leaving the band, I made that decision for personal reasons, but she is who I want to see first.”
Fuck. It isn’t until Jed rests his hand on me again that I realize what I’m doing. I’m trying to leave quietly, so there’s no more interest in me and my life, but now I’ve accidently dropped a bomb and people may well go wild.
What the hell was I even thinking? I want to protect Addie from the spotlight, not drop it right on her. Talk about destroying it all over again! It just isn’t meant to be, is it? Yet, I still want to try. One last time and that’s it. I want to know if she wants me enough to stick around, if we can overcome all the barriers that have always seemed to be in our way. I guess I just need closure, one way or another. Once and for all.
29
ADDISON
Why did I not just say no? As I stare at Felicia, f
orcing a smile on my face, everything feels wrong. I know that I shouldn’t be here, not for any reason. It’s more painful than it is helpful. To either of us.
“So, Addie, how have things been with you? It’s been a very long time, like we said before.”
“It’s been… okay.” I don’t know how to answer that properly. “Up and down, you know?”
“Oh, well I’m sure it has. That is the way of life, I’m afraid. Mine has been the same.”
“It must have been hard without seeing Jace a lot.” I gulp, the feel of his name in my throat too much.
“Yes, of course. And seeing him on the TV all the time is no help. Hearing all these stories about him.” She tuts and shakes her head which actually brings a genuine smile to my mouth. I forgot how straight talking she was. “It isn’t easy hearing things that are not like him at all. I don’t think the life suits him.”
“Hmmm.” It’s time. It’ll be easier to just admit I have seen him recently. “He kinda said that to me.”
She nods slowly. “You know, I thought when he left, the two of you would end up together.”
That stabs me like a knife into my chest. “It wasn’t meant to be, I suppose. Now he’s with Callie.”
She tuts again. “He isn’t with her, she is using him to get famous. I talked to him about her and he doesn’t even know her. They met for five minutes one night in a bar and she contacted the press to make sure they got a picture of them together. It’s nothing and it means nothing. I wouldn’t worry about it.”
“Oh, I’m not worried…” I start but she cocks one eyebrow at me. Turns out she knows everything. “Look, Jace and I tried. Once in college, once now, and I guess it never works.”
She reaches across and grabs my hand. “But why didn’t it work?”
“Well, in college I thought he cheated on me.” My cheeks heat up intensely. It’s horrible to admit this to his mother. She adores him, I’m sure she thinks that he can do no wrong. Which isn’t far wrong in this case. “He didn’t, and I know that now, but at the time I thought he had. I left college without talking to him about it because I thought that a clean break would be best for both of us. I assumed that he was slipping away from me anyway, the more the band began to progress. He had to throw so much of himself into it, he didn’t seem to have time for me, which I suppose seems silly and childish now, but it didn’t seem so much of a stretch to think he’d cheated.”
“He was distant and busy; I remember that time myself. That must have been hard on you.”
Her kind eyes make me feel a little warmer, a little less like I’m the worst person on the planet. It makes it easier to carry on talking, to be a bit more honest about what’s happening right now.
“And then when he came back, six years later, I fell back into play with him. It was almost as if no time had passed despite the fact that we’re very different people now. It was lovely, but the nagging doubts still remained.”
“The thought that he might cheat on you again?”
“More that we can’t make it work because of the distance between us, and his life with the band.”
“Ah, I see.” Her lips turn down into a frown. “And what did he say about this?”
I shrug helplessly. “I don’t know now, it’s all become a bit of a blur. I know that it was a bit of a fight and many things were said before he left, but I can’t remember the exact words.” Emotion tries to choke me. “My best friend, Luci, she’s the one who thought she saw him kissing someone else before, back in college. I think it hurt her a lot that I left because of it, but we managed to stay friends.”
“Ah, right, so I imagine she wasn’t too happy to see that Jace was back in your life.”
“Exactly. It caused issues between us as well. But I know it isn’t that she’s against Jace, she just wants me to be okay. She’s seen me hurt for a long time. A very long time. She doesn’t want that to get worse.”
Felicia understands, I can see it in her eyes. She gets what I’m trying to tell her, probably even better than I understand it which helps. “You know, Jace would never want to hurt you. He has always loved you. Even through everything. I know that he’s lost his way a little. A lot, actually, but his love for you has never changed.”
“I… I have always loved him too, but I don’t know if it’s enough. It always seems too hard.”
“Does it?” She narrows her eyes at me. “So, you fell apart in college. You were probably too young then anyway. That doesn’t have to mean anything now. And now, you argued, because guess what? Being an adult is hard. Being in love is hard. Compromise is hard. But it doesn’t have to spell the end.”
Her words sink in, making far more sense than anything that’s ever come before, and I give her a weak look. “I could have used that advice a while ago. Before it was too late.”
“It’s never too late. I think you’ll soon realize that.” She leans back in her chair and nods towards my bag. “Your cell phone has been going off for a while now. That could be the sign you need.”
She has me so worked up that by the time I actually grab my phone I expect it to be Jace’s name there, calling me. But it isn’t. It’s Luci again, probably changing up our plans for tonight. Not exactly a sign.
“I’ll just take this quickly. Give me a moment.”
I step over to the quiet side of the café and hit the answer button, my thoughts all over the place. “Hello?”
“Addison, have you seen it? Have you seen the press conference?”
“Huh? What are you talking about?” This can’t be work related; she wouldn’t be worried about that.
“Jace. Sorry, I know you don’t really want to talk about him, you haven’t said much because I’m sure it hurts a lot, but I think that you should just… watch this. I’ll send you a link.”
“A link? A press conference? Luci, I don’t get it.”
“Just watch it. Watch it and you’ll see what I mean. Call me back once you’ve seen it.”
I don’t move while I wait for her to send it. Something about this seems like a private matter, not to watch in front of Jace’s mom. Since she’s all up about me getting a sign anyway, I want to keep my head on straight.
Soon, it comes, the link to a video online. Immediately I’m struck by how nervous he looks. I don’t know what’s about to happen but it seems like it’s something massive.
“Oh my god,” I whisper, clapping my hand to my mouth in shock. He’s leaving the band?
He doesn’t say too much about it, he doesn’t give many details, but it seems like he really is done. He’s leaving and it can’t possibly have anything to do with me because I’m not around anymore. I’m no longer a factor. He can’t possibly resent me for his decision because I wasn’t a part of it.
“I want to see the one person I have loved and lost,” he says, looking a little spacy. “I want to see her once more to try again.” Is this it? The sign Felicia was talking about? My heart skips a beat and bursts with excitement regardless of whether that’s accurate or not. “We shouldn’t, we had our first and second chance, but I know that I will never be able to let her go. She isn’t the reason I’m leaving the band, I made that decision for personal reasons, but she is who I want to see first.”
I hit the call button to speak to Luci before I can even begin to process this. “What do you think?”
“He seems serious, doesn’t he?” she replies carefully. “It seems like he wants to be with you.”
I bite down on my bottom lip to stop hope bursting free. “You… you think?”
She sighs loudly. I can sense her shaking her head with disappointment. “I don’t know what to say, Addison. I don’t know if it’s the best idea in the world. You know I think that you should move forwards not backwards, but that doesn’t mean I’m right. If this is what you want…”
It is! It really is.
God, it’s stupid. It’s so damn dumb. But I do want him again. To give it a third shot. This time it will really feel like all the ob
stacles are out of the way, so we can really try. We won’t be young, dumb, and easily led, we don’t have the distance, we can just finally be him and me and just see.
“I’m not going to be a bitch and fall out with you again, Addison, I just want you to be happy.”
“Yeah, okay. Well that’s something I need to think about. I’ll see you soon, Luci.”
She’s saying something to me, but it’s too late for me to hear it. I’ve already hit the end call button. It takes me a couple of seconds to get over the shock for long enough to make my way back to Felicia. She smiles up at me, her eyes shining as if she already knows what I’m going to say.
“Did you know?” I gasp at her. “That Jace was leaving the band?”
“Oh, he’s done it now, has he? I knew that he wanted to for a long time. I’m glad, he’ll be happier.”
I get out my phone and show her the video of the press conference. I do that for myself as well because I want to hear it again. I want to feel those words running through me, and as he gets to the bit where I just know that he’s talking about me and us, an intense shiver tears up and down my spine.
We can be happy, I’m sure of it. We make each other happy. It’s everything else.
“I wonder why he hasn’t told me. This was last night by the look of it.”
“I don’t know.” I grab my phone back. “But I need to go.”
“Where are you going?”
I turn back and smile at her, the knowledge that I’m about to do the right thing flooding through me. “I’m going to LA. I’m going to find Jace. I’m going to make it right.”
“Now that is the best news that I’ve ever heard, Addie. Good luck and let me know how you get one.”
I walked into the café all awkward and unsure, not a clue where my life was going, and now just a short while later I’m leaving full of determination. My job might still be up in the air, my life around me a mess, but I know that I want Jace, there’s no denying the wonderful bond that we have always shared. It just feels like everything is so much better with him. Together, we are the keys to one another’s happiness, we make one another better people, we are each other’s fate. Destiny has intervened after all.