by J. P. Scott
“Real estate? My, my. Where have you been getting the money to buy property?”
“I live pretty frugally. I don’t spend a lot of money on clothes or things for my apartment. I do go out on weekends, but have a set budget on what I want to spend. My car is paid off and I plan to drive it until it dies.” He could go on about how he lived his life. Cam and Ollie looked at him strangely sometimes when he said he didn’t have the budget to do some of the things they wanted to do. Both a Friday and Saturday night out at the bars? Not in the budget. All day drinking from brunch to who-knows-when? Out of the question.
“Your father and I can help you. Need all cash for a property? We can lend you the rest.”
“Thanks, Mom. I appreciate it. For now, I’d like to do this on my own.”
She reached over and patted his arm. “I’m proud of you. But there’s no shame in finding security of a 40-hour work week for a big, stable company. I worry about you.”
“There’s no need to worry. I feel like I have a pretty good plan. And I’m happy.”
Patrick wondered what the real reason was that she was so focused on his work and finances. It was not like here to really focus on that. He normally got lectures from his father about being successful and pursuing a career.
They looked over the menu for a few minutes in quiet. When it looked like she had decided, he said, “So is finances really why you wanted to have brunch today?”
She laughed and shook her head, “You caught me. You know that’s not really my thing. I look at statements and have a sense of whether our accounts are performing, but my eyes glaze over when your dad and the accountant start talking about this fund or that fund or dividends. Blech.” She threw her hands up in physical disgust at the idea of having to know about any of that.
“It’s a lot to take in and understand. I totally get it. I’ve struggled to figure things out myself. It’s not a bad idea that you learn more about it. There might be a day when Dad can’t handle something and needs you to step in. You’ll want to know what the accountant is saying.”
“But I’ll have you.”
“True. But you also have yourself. If you can put together a fundraising event for several hundred people with silent and live auctions, decorated to the perfect theme, you can learn this.”
“I appreciate the faith you have in me. Let me know when my first class is.”
Mimosas arrived and she took a drink and looked away from the table. Her nails tapped on the table.
“So, we know that I’m fine financially, I have goals, I can help you learn a few things about your accounts and how it all works…what’s really going on, mom?”
When she looked back at Patrick, there was sadness in her eyes. There was something she wanted to say, but she didn’t really want to say it. Patrick’s heart stopped.
“It’s not something I really want to get into.”
“We don’t have to right now, if you don’t want to.” Patrick leaned in closer to him mom and reached and around to put his hand on her back.
“No, it’s really important. But it’s going to be hard for me to get through this.” She took another drink of her mimosa and looked around for the waiter. “These are bottomless, right?”
“It’s the only way to live.” Patrick caught the waiter’s eye and lifted his glass and two fingers. The waiter nodded and headed towards the bar to get them another round.
“You know your father and I love each other very much.” Of all the things Patrick thought would come out of his mother’s mouth in that moment, he didn’t expect that.
“Of course, you do.” Why was she talking about her relationship to his dad? Were there actual problems? After all of these years, were they getting a divorce?
“It wasn’t always so good. The early days were very rough for us. Once we were married, we found out that we didn’t really know each other. We learned that we were very different people.”
Patrick thought that it should have been obvious. He had always known them to be opposites in tastes and interests. Opposites attract, right?
“There was a time when I thought we would get a divorce because we were too different. He didn’t understand me, and I didn’t understand him. He also travelled a lot for work and I was left home alone a lot. It was hard to be close to each other.”
This was family history that he never knew. If his parents had problems in the past, they had kept it well hidden from him. Had they swept things under the rug for all of these years, or had they found a way to overcome it all? If it wasn’t the later, he didn’t know if he could trust any of his memories as a child.
“You were very little when it was at its worse. I think you were probably two? It’s hard to remember exactly who everything unfolded.”
“Mom, what are you talking about? What happened?”
“Your father was spending even more time away from the house than what seemed normal. He had to travel for work, but it seemed like a certain client needed extra attention and he found reasons to head up north for long weekends.”
Patrick’s mind raced and pieced together what his mother was saying. “Dad was having an affair?”
It seemed so out of character for the man he knew as his father. He was not the kind of person to get wrapped up in emotions. He was calm, cool, collected. If either of them was going to be part of a torrid love affair, it would be his mother. She would have been the one bored with the relationship and captivated by something more interesting.
She looked at him and nodded.
“Why are you telling me this now? It’s clearly over.” He panicked. “It’s over, right?”
“Yes, it’s over. When I confronted him, he came clean. He had fallen in love with a young woman in Flagstaff. His trips were a cover and sometimes a flat-out lie to spend time with her.”
“Wow. I can’t believe it.”
She bit her lip and continued to tap her nails on the table. “There’s more. Well, at least I think there is.”
“More? What else could there be?”
She cleared her throat and said, “I always suspected it was more than just an affair. He said that he had used condoms, but that’s not a guarantee.”
“You think he had another kid?”
“I don’t have any proof. Only a suspicion.”
“Why now?”
“How much do you know about this Aaron guy?” His mother’s pivot to a different topic caught Patrick off guard.
“Fairly well. Even though we’ve only dated a short time, we have spent a lot of time together.” Was she now deflecting from the topic she had brought up? Patrick was confused.
“What about his family?”
“I haven’t met his mother yet, but she sounds pretty remarkable. She owns her own business and raised Aaron by herself….” Patrick was seeing the connection now. Aaron didn’t know his dad. People thought they looked alike.
“You’ve always had a strong resemblance to your dad’ side of the family. There’s a distinct facial structure. If you look back through pictures at various generations, you can see the common thread.”
“And you think….” Patrick could not get himself to say the words. His mother believed Aaron to be his brother. That his father’s affair had produced a kid who grew up and moved to the Valley. He just happened to be gay and at the same bathhouse on the same night as Patrick.
“I do think it. When I saw Aaron talking with your father. It was as if you were standing there. Even with the different color hair and skin tone.”
“Mom, this is crazy.”
“Don’t you see a resemblance?”
If she had asked him yesterday at the party, he would have said no. But after last night in the shower, he could not deny that he did see something.
It couldn’t possibly be true.
Nine
Patrick didn’t know what to do with the bombshell his mother had left with him. His father had an affair with someone in Flagstaff when he was two. Aaron was from Flagstaff
and grew up with a single mom and didn’t know his dad. Patrick knew that Aaron was younger, but did not know by how much.
His mother had no actual proof that Aaron was his step-brother. She only had suspicions based on physical features that were similar to his dad and to Patrick. That had been enough to fuel a sexual fantasy, but was it enough to cause him to believe he was related to Aaron?
The bigger question: now that he knew his mother’s suspicion, how did he broach the subject to Aaron? And then what? They broke up?
The thought of not having Aaron in his life as a boyfriend and lover made his stomach turn. They had a connection that he couldn’t explain other than he might be the One. That he might be falling in love with him.
If they were brothers, they couldn’t love each other like that. The connection was something different. Then why did it make Patrick want to do all kinds of things to Aaron’s body?
Did it mean that Patrick’s idea of love was messed up? Had he experienced real love for another man before and missed it? His relationship history was short. There had only been three men that he had considered boyfriends before Aaron. The relationships were short-lived, and he thought that it had taught him to better understand what he was looking for.
Instead, he had found love with a man who could be his step-brother.
Could he ever find love again, knowing that he would be looking for a connection like he had with Aaron. Or could he reprogram his brain to know what love should look like?
He wiped a tear from his eye. Shit, what do I do?
He was afraid to go back to his apartment. Aaron had said he was going to run errands and spend the day at his own place. However, Patrick did not want to run the risk of running into him in case he had changed his mind. He also didn’t want to be alone. He knew the thoughts and questions that he had would continue to swirl in his mind. He doubted he would find any answers on his own.
“Meet for drinks?” He sent a text to Cam and Ollie.
Alcohol wasn’t the answer, but he did need to take the edge off and to spend some time with friends who may be able to help him through this situation. That’s what friends were for, right?
But how would they react to the news?
Shocked? Disgusted? Understanding?
They both knew a lot of gay history and a lot of gay people. Maybe they knew someone who had gone through the same thing or something similar.
Are there really other people in the same situation? The thought seemed unbelievable to Patrick. Until this morning, he couldn’t have imagined it for himself. Why was it impossible to believe that other people had been separated from a sibling and later fallen in love with that person? Conflating a sibling bond with something else?
He took a car to one of the gay bars that tended to have a lighter crowd on Sunday. He didn’t want there to be loud music and crowds. The distraction would be nice, but felt like it would just irritate him as his mind tried to process everything. It also wouldn’t allow for effective conversation with his friends. They wouldn’t be able to hear each other and they would also be distracted by cute guys in tight shirts and shorts.
If the boys could join him, he wanted to be able to talk. If they couldn’t, he wanted to be alone.
The place was quiet. There were three guys sitting at the bar itself, spaced out and experiencing some alone time for themselves. They were a bit older. Patrick wondered why they were by themselves. Were they just tired from a long week? Were they late bloomers in the gay world and not sure how to interact with other guys in the bar to make friends? Were they just tired of the gay scene and needing just to chill?
Patrick ordered a vodka soda and told himself to watch how many he drank today. He didn’t want to get really drunk. He almost ordered a beer, but then thought about his date with Aaron and couldn’t.
He went out to the patio and found an open table in the corner. There were a few guys a table on the other end having a good time while they smoked and told funny stories. Patrick didn’t look to see if he knew anyone in the group. Instead, he sat at the table with his back towards them and pulled out his phone.
No response yet from either Cam or Ollie. Patrick wondered if they were already out somewhere having a good time and not looking at their phones. What if they didn’t respond until later and couldn’t meet up with him? Patrick was in a slight panic. He had never needed his friends so desperately and not be able to get in touch with them.
“Well, look what the cat drug in.”
Patrick looked up and saw a familiar face. It wasn’t Cam or Ollie, but his ex-boyfriend Devin.
“Oh, hey.”
Patrick had not seen Devin in ages. He stepped up to the table and towered over Patrick. Devin was tall and lanky. Physically, Patrick had been surprised that he found Devin attractive. He did not have the bodybuilder physique even though he worked out. No matter what Devin did, he could not back on the bulk.
He wore his normal tank top that hugged his body close and didn’t meet the waist of his pants. His belly button ring and it’s jeweled bling was on full display.
“I think you’re the last person I expected to see here on a Sunday afternoon.”
Patrick shrugged, unsure of what to say to Devin. “I guess I just needed some quiet. I might have a few friends pop in.”
“Ollie and Cam, no doubt. How are they?”
“They’re good! Are you going to be here for a while? I’m sure they will want to say hi when they get here.”
Devin smiled. “I’m sure we’ll wave and smile as the gays do. I won’t be offended if they don’t come over.”
“What are you up to today?”
He looked over his shoulder at the other table. “Just out with some friends. Getting our drink on, but on a budget.”
“Oh, fun. I’m hoping it’s just a couple drinks for me and then home.”
Devin looked Patrick up and down. “Is everything okay? You don’t really look like yourself.”
Patrick didn’t know what Devin meant. Inside he was a wreck. But how did Devin know by looking at the outside?
“Just going through some stuff, I guess. Bad day.”
“Honey, I didn’t get to be a bitter queen at a young age without having gone through a few days like what you’re going through. I think I sat in that very spot every afternoon for a week after we broke up.”
“You did?” To Patrick, their breakup had been very uneventful. After a couple outings with friends where they barely hung out together or even spoke to each other, Patrick had turned to Devin and said the thought they should break up. Devin hadn’t really said anything. No anger or shouting. No questions why. It was just over.
Devin cocked his head to the side. “You didn’t know I was head over heels in love with you?”
“It didn’t seem like we were connecting at all.”
“Try to see it from my perspective. Gorgeous, fit, young gay guy wants to date me. I’m looking around thinking there must be some mistake. But it wasn’t a hook up or a drunken mistake. There were multiple dates. I didn’t know what to do or if I could believe that it was actually happening.”
“You didn’t think I liked you?”
“I was scared that I was going to mess it up.”
Patrick had the same fear. Devin had been out much longer than he had. He was only Patrick’s second boyfriend and felt intimidated that he didn’t know as much about dating or even being gay. Devin seemed to know all the places, know all the people, and had stories about every kind of experience.
“Honey, I don’t think we were a good fit for each other. I was sad for a while, but I moved on. I know you have to. I’ve seen you out with that Ryan guy.”
“We broke up.”
“Probably for the best. I never liked him.” Devin looked like he was doing some calculations in his head. “If you broke up with Ryan, who are you moping about now?”
“I met someone else. It’s kind of been a whirlwind.”
“The best love stories are, Honey.�
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It was nice to talk to someone, but how much could he tell Devin? This situation required people to keep the information to themselves. The last thing Patrick needed was a bunch of gossip. He also didn’t want Aaron to get hurt by people talking behind their backs.
“Whatever is going on, try to make it right,” Devin said. “You’re never going to find the perfect love.”
He looked over his shoulder at the table across the patio and smiled.
“Is one of those guys your boyfriend?”
“Yes, the one with the spikey blonde hair. I’m trying to get him to see the error of his ways with that look, but that’s going to take some time. Good news is, he has a big dick.”
“That’s worth holding on to, for sure.”
“I wish you the best while you try to figure this out. There’s no magic formula to know when to fight for something or to let it go.”
“Thanks, Devin.” It felt nice to have someone in his corner, even if he didn’t know anything else about the situation. “Make sure that guy treats you right.”
“Are you going to beat him up, if he doesn’t?”
“I would. You’re a good guy.” He looked up at the man who used to be his boyfriend. The sexual feelings he had felt for Devin were gone. He was still cute, but Patrick knew that they had not been right for each other. Breaking up had been the right thing, even if it had been hard to go through.
He got up and hugged Devin. “Thanks for talking. It was good to see you.”
“It was good to see you, too, handsome. I hope I get to see you smiling again. And to meet the guy that has you feeling this deeply.” Devin turned and crossed the patio to join his friends. He put an arm around his boyfriend and they kissed.
Devin looked happy. He looked like he had found his person and was on an incredible journey.
That’s what he wanted for himself.
The problem was, he wanted it with Ryan.
Ten