by J Grace
“Yes, of course, it can. I’ll allow that answer for now. But we will have to talk about it in more depth eventually,” I nodded before she mercifully switched topics. I was already feeling overwhelmed and unprepared to talk about my feelings, knowing there were things that I couldn’t really say, “There are a few things that you should know about Brighton House. We are a middle of the road treatment facility meaning there are no patients or residents that have serious psychological disorders or those that are deemed to be physically violent. There are of course outbursts and instances where a patient becomes violent, but those are few and far between. We don’t have solitary confinement, although we do have containment rooms. Patients are never left there unattended for more than an hour and never overnight. We also don’t administer any meds unless it becomes apparent that stronger intervention is necessary. We don’t want to alter your mood synthetically, we want to give you skills to better handle situations that may be triggering because meds can become ineffective over time." She paused for a moment making sure I was paying attention before continuing,
"Our goal here at Brighton House is to make you feel welcome, understood and accepted. We never use medical terms or jargon. We aim to reach you on an inclusive level. You must take an active part in your recovery. We do not give you steps to follow because there is no 'one size fits all' method that works for the things that ail us. We strongly believe in consent, and you knowing that your choices matter. We are here to help you learn about yourself and figure out in what ways you can cope best with the outside world and all of its influence and suggestive nature. Because even for a person who seemingly has it all together, they are not safe from falling prey to the world at large. No one is, they simply have methods that work to keep them from falling too far. Any questions, so far?” I shook my head no, half of what she said not even registering.
“In two weeks’ time, after you’ve become acclimated, you will begin online courses so that you can graduate on time. This is not the norm for treatment facilities, but we worked very closely with the Texas State Board of Education to make this happen because we want your time here to be productive and as consistent as possible in relation to your life before you came here. With the exception of whatever particular incident that sent you here, of course. If you feel ready to start sooner just let one of the nurses know and they will have the Librarian set you up.
I’m going to walk you back to the front desk so that Nurse Astrid can take you around the rest of Brighton House, and then get you settled in your room. You’ll also receive a resident schedule of all available therapy sessions including group, individual, and one on ones with me, as well as times, dates, and locations for activities and any special perks. Oh, I know you didn’t bring one, but we don’t allow cell phones at Brighton House.”
“I don’t have anyone to call anyway,” I muttered under my breath as a feeling of bitterness washed over me.
“There is a phone in your room that you can use; however, you must earn the privilege of doing so. Do you have any questions before we head back?”
“Just one. Do I get a room to myself or is there a roommate?” An image of Sophie’s face flashed in my mind. It was nice for three days, but having a roommate for six months to a year? No, thank you.
“All residents have their own room that they can decorate as they see fit. Although there is a weekly inspection and anything deemed suspicious or dangerous will be confiscated and put in storage. But don’t worry, it will be done during hours when you will be in group, class or a shift so you won’t be disturbed. If anything is removed, a note will be left in your room. Any other questions?” I shook my head no. “Well, if you suddenly think of some you can ask anyone on the staff. I hope you’ll see that Brighton House isn’t like your typical treatment facility. Are you ready?”
Dr. Banner stood and walked towards the door silently indicating I should follow. I grabbed my suitcase and followed as we walked back to the front desk, only the clack of her heels and my pounding heart marring the silence. I was having feelings of regret about my attitude towards Dr. Banner when it hit me what was off about her- nothing. It was all me. I wasn’t used to kindness from adults in positions of power, even my teachers were indifferent to me, but she wasn’t. She was kind for no reason and she was asking me questions; questions that scared the shit out of me. Still, instead of accepting her kindness I lashed out at her. I didn’t like this new side of me.
I was just about to apologize when a short woman with large breasts and round hips stepped out of the first door on the right. She wore a friendly smile and her kind honey-colored eyes shone brightly.
“Hello, Marjorie, I’m Nurse Astrid. I’ll be showing you around the facility today and introducing you to your floormates. If you have any questions along the way don’t be afraid to ask them, okay? Are you ready?” She had a sweet voice with that typical West Texas twang.
“Why do you keep asking me if I’m ready?”
“As I said, we believe in consent. We know that sometimes people are sent here against their will, but while they are here we want everything to be their choice. You can’t force someone to recover or to even want to recover, it has to be their choice, and we believe that by creating a pattern of consent, the road to recovery is paved faster because they see that their choice matters. And that’s important, not just here, but in life,” Without another word Dr. Banner nodded to Nurse Astrid and headed back to her office leaving only the clacking of her heels in her wake.
The tour was as typical as you’d expect. Nurse Astrid gave me a resident packet which listed my resident group as well as a map of the facility before we toured the dining room, kitchen, laundry facilities, second common room, game room, movie room, art room, music room, computer room, and a few of the therapy rooms. There was so much here that my head was spinning a little. As we headed towards the left tower, where my room was located, we stopped to sit at a bench that lined the hall near the elevators.
“So Marjorie, what do you think of Brighton House so far?”
“Uh, It’s really nice.” She let out a soft laugh.
“I know it’s a lot, but you’ll get the lay of the land in no time. Now, nothing is mandatory, but we do encourage you to pick up a shift or two in the kitchen, laundry or library. The plus side is that those shifts earn you access to a night of movies, music, pool time or computer access. Sign up for shifts are on the door of each location. If you choose not to, that’s fine as well. There is also no maid service, so residents are responsible for any cleaning in their personal room and en-suite bathroom. All cleaning products are made from natural ingredients that are safe to ingest, though we don’t recommend that you try it.” She let out a sigh and then stood. “Okay, break time is over.” I stood on shaky legs and walked the twenty feet to the elevator trying to tamp down my rising trepidation.
Just as we reached the elevator landing a deep male voice called out, “Nurse Astrid, wait up, please,” We turned to see an average height man dressed in blue scrubs. He was a darker-skinned African American with cornrows, dark brown eyes, a broad nose, and full lips. He had what they jokingly call a dad bod, but he smiled brightly. The only thing that gave me pause was that he smelled like my dad, which given that my dad all but ignored me at the hospital, affected me more than it should. I didn’t even notice the boy behind him until he stepped up, “I’m Nurse James and this is Zachery Tanner,” He was gorgeous! Like teen heartthrob gorgeous, but I could tell that he was haunted by something, and if the dark circles under his eyes were any indication, he hadn’t slept well in a while. He was tall, at least 6’3”, with shoulder-length curly dark brown hair, cerulean blue eyes, a straight nose, full lips and a square jaw. His skin was pale, but it was the kind of pale that was from a lack of proper care more than its natural state. He had the physique of a swimmer that hadn’t been in the water in a while, meaning he had broad shoulders, a slim waist, and long, lean muscles, but was far too thin for his frame. I could only imagine ho
w much more gorgeous he would be if he was well, and I silently hoped I’d get to see him healthy and vibrant.
I hope he gets to see me healthy and vibrant. What the hell? Where did that thought come from? First, you’re angry now you’re...amorous?
I quickly lowered my eyes to the ground, acutely aware that he was staring at me.
“Nice to meet you, Zachery, I’m Nurse Astrid and this is Marjorie Long. I believe you two are going to be floor mates,” My eyes shot up to Nurse Astrid and then over to Zachery. A small smile played on his full lips as he took in my reaction.
Oh, shit!
Heat flooded my face turning it pink and his smile grew, “We were just heading up; if you want, I can take Zachery off your hands,” Nurse Astrid offered, unaware of my increasing nervousness at being so close to a boy.
“Yeah? That would be great! If that’s alright with you, Zachery?” Nurse James asked hopefully.
“Sure,” Zachery said, his eyes still burning holes into my face, and I have to admit, the sound of his deep voice made me feel something that I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be feeling about a stranger - or just days after trying to kill myself.
“Great! I’ll see you around then, Zachery. It was nice to meet you, Marjorie. Thanks, Astrid.” Nurse James promptly turned and walked back to the front desk. When the elevator doors opened we all filed in. Nurse Astrid stood in between us. I silently thanked her for not making it more awkward than it already was.
I watched as the elevator numbers flashed from one to three, my pulse quickening with each change. It was less than a minute total, but it felt like years. I could feel my palms begin to get clammy. I was nervous and scared-shitless- because of Zachery and because I was going up to my room. Before I could pretend that I was just touring the place, like a field trip, but now...now it hit me that this is my home for at least the next six months. On top of that, there’s an impossibly gorgeous guy standing all of five feet away staring at me who will be my floormate, and I’m not good around people I don’t know. Hell, I’m not good around people I do know.
God, I need you right now Sierra!
Sierra was my buffer, and since her death, I had spent the last year in a self-imposed exile. And I definitely had never talked to a boy, much less one who looked like Zachery!
Were there more boys on my floor? God help me if they look like Zachery! Please let them be ugly!
But here I was freaking out as the elevator doors slid open to an empty landing. Nurse Astrid stepped out with Zachery following suit, but I couldn’t move. I watched as they walked further into the landing. Zachery turned back just as the elevator doors began to close. He watched me, a look of uncertainty crossed his face before he took a deep breath and three long strides, sticking his hand in between the doors forcing them back open. My eyes were wide and my breathing was shallow, on the verge of blacking out, as he stepped inside the elevator and grabbed my arms, coming within inches of me.
“Hey, I know you’re scared. I am too. But you gotta breathe, okay? Just breathe and put one foot in front of the other. You can do this, if for no other reason than you have to. Yeah?” I was so transfixed by the blue of his eyes and warm timbre of his voice that I didn’t even realize that I was nodding my head until he tore his gaze from mine. I blinked a few times and let out a deep sigh before taking a step, then another, and another until I was standing in the middle of the landing with Zachery and Nurse Astrid.
“Everything okay, Marjorie?” Nurse Astrid asked in a hushed tone, her brows furrowed with concern. I nodded, afraid that I might scream if I opened my mouth, “Okay. If you’re sure then follow me. I’ll show you to your rooms.” I took a deep breath, rubbed the moisture that had pooled on my palms off on my jeans, and put one foot in front of the other just like I had done a moment ago.
I can do this. I can do this!
I kept repeating the mantra in my head as we walked away from the landing towards a set of automatic sliding doors. We passed through them into a common room with a large U shaped sectional that sat in the middle of the space with comfy looking blankets and pillows thrown about it. In front was a large square coffee table with magazines and two used cups. The room felt homey with the built in shelves covered in books, and nicknacks flanking the doors, but my eyes were drawn to the far back wall and the fifty-gallon saltwater fish tank filled with all sorts of brightly colored fish, including a few Nemo’s and a Dory that was highlighted by the sun’s rays shining through the window. I watched them for a minute as their languid movements eased the thumping of my heart, before taking in the rest of the space. On my left and right were three metal doors on each side that had a large rectangular portion of glass with a reflective coating. I noticed the three on the left had names listed. The one that was covered in posters of cats and beautiful girls in various states of dress read Avery.
Oh, great not only am I on a floor with all boys, one of them is a perv.
The other two doors read Malcolm and Bodie.
“Your rooms will be on this side. All rooms are identical in size and structure, but you are allowed to decorate as you see fit.” We all walked over to a room on the right-hand side by the back wall. “The doors are equipped with shatterproof double sided mirrors, as well as automatic timed locks that are set for 6 a.m. and 10 p.m. daily. In between those times, all doors with resident access are unlocked and will remain so unless Dr. Banner directs otherwise.” With that, Nurse Astrid opened the door and stepped inside.
I looked around at the place I was sleeping in for at least the next six months. The room was big, at least twelve by twelve. There was no window, but at least it was bright. A full-size bed with a large box sat in the middle of the far back wall. It called to me and I thought about how much more of this day I would have to endure before I could climb in and sleep my worries away. Two nightstands with bolted down lamps flanked the bed. A tall, antique-looking wardrobe with drawers on one side stood on the right near a door to the en-suite bathroom. It reminded me of the one we had in our attic, it was my favorite hiding place. I noticed the phone I would never use centered on a round table next to a plush looking chair and ottoman. A plain heavy wood desk and chair sat in the middle of the wall nearest the door. I walked over intrigued by the notepad that lay in the middle of the desk. It had my name on it which caused a sense of finality to wash over me. There was no turning back.
“Guess this is my room,” I mumble, my nerves finally calming as I fiddle with the notepad.
“Not if you don’t want it to be. It’s just a notepad, it can be moved.” Nurse Astrid replied kindly.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize I said that out loud.” I looked down at my feet, embarrassment coloring my cheeks pink. Nurse Astrid crossed the small space between us and touched my hand. My eyes shot up to hers.
“I’m glad you did, Marjorie. We want you to feel comfortable here, so if this room isn’t to your liking, then there are two others to choose from,” she touched me and even though I didn’t flinch, I was kinda touched out. But what do you expect when you’ve gone months without the touch of another person? I moved my hand away and turned towards the bed to sit.
“No, this room is fine. Thank you,” Nurse Astrid nodded then cleared her throat.
“That is your bathroom,” she said pointing to the door near the wardrobe, “There is a shower, pedestal sink, and toilet. There are no mirrors in any of the rooms, that’s what the door is for. If you stand far enough away you will see your reflection, if you walk closer you will be able to see out into the common room, but no one will be able to see inside your room. Tomorrow morning your toiletry basket will be dropped off outside your door. In it, you will find natural shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, soap and hair remover. When you are done you will need to return it to the main front desk before you head to the dining room,” I must have my is she serious? face on because she added, “I know this seems a bit excessive, but I assure you it is only a temporary precaution. Once you have proven that you are not
a danger to yourself you will be given more freedoms, like keeping toiletries in your room.” I nodded in understanding; after all, I did just attempt suicide.
“What’s in the box?” I asked, wanting to change the subject.
“Those are some of the things your parents dropped off when they came to sign papers.” From his spot at the door, I saw Zachery tense at the mention of parents. Jaw clenching, he straightened and walked out of the room.
He must not have a good relationship with his parents either.
“I’ll take Zachery to his room and meet you in the common room in ten minutes, okay?” She was out the door, closing it behind her, before I could offer a reply.
I was alone. Finally. It had been almost four days since I had been alone. It felt good. And yet, not. I always thought of Sierra when I was alone, which made my heart ache. I missed her so much. And, strangely, I missed Zachery. I didn’t know why, I didn’t even know him, having just met him less than fifteen minutes ago, but something about him made me feel like I did. Maybe it was the pain and sadness he so obviously carried that drew me to him. Maybe it was the fact that he helped me when he didn't have to. Maybe it was more. Maybe I wanted it to be more. Who knows. And truth be told, I doubted I’d get to find out as I didn’t plan on making an absolute fool out of myself by daring to talk to him.
I was lost in my wonderings when I heard a knock at my door. “Come in,” I said, assuming it was Nurse Astrid, but no one came in so I walked to the door and peered out through the glass, but there was nobody there. I opened the door to step out into the common room when a body jumped out at me from the left.
“SURPRISE!” It shouted while waving jazz hands in my face making my vision waiver.
“Holy SHIT!” I screamed, as my hands reflexively flew up and I caught my assailant in the face. Watching as the body crumpled to the ground, I jumped to the side, my heart hammering in my chest. Spots filled my vision and I shut my eyes tightly.