Finding Hope (The Heartmates Trilogy Book 1)

by J Grace

  I forgive you…I forgive you.

  I didn’t realize that was what I was looking for, but the minute she said it, I knew that it was. I had secretly been holding myself accountable for the things my dad had done. Someone should be held accountable for that poor girl’s death so why not me? I knew it wasn’t rational but guilt never is. I couldn’t hold back the deluge of tears or the emotion that wracked my body. It was painful and yet freeing. But when she put her arms around me I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Peace. This girl was kind and forgiving when she didn’t have to be. I was a stranger and yet bound to her by a horrific event. I certainly didn’t think that I could be as forgiving if I was ever in her shoes. I felt connected to her in a way that I had never felt connected to anyone else before and it was better than I ever knew that it could be. I wrapped my arms around her as we held each other and cried.

  It had been a long time since I let myself feel anything besides guilt and shame, but tonight, in her arms, I let that go and allowed a little bit of forgiveness into my heart. Forgiveness for myself and for my dad. He had done a terrible thing that ruined a lot of lives, but it was an accident. An accident that had driven him to do the unthinkable because everyone he cared about had turned against him, including me. For a while I believed that my dad hadn’t intended to kill my mom, that she had walked in on him and tried to stop him when the gun went off. There was a look of anguish in my dad’s eyes when he saw me as he pressed the gun to his head and I have always wondered if it was because he was sorry that he killed her or if he was sorry that I had seen it happen. As time went on I began to see it differently and no matter how hard I tried to imagine the loneliness he must have felt in that moment, to understand, the anger and pain of betrayal always overrode any other emotion. But now accepting forgiveness for something that wasn’t my fault to begin with, I realized that I didn’t have to understand or know why it happened to forgive him because nothing would change the outcome. I just had to want to. And I did, I wanted to forgive him so that maybe I could start to remember him for who he was and not for what he had done.

  When I finally went to my room I fell face first on my bed, consumed by exhaustion. For the first time in six months, I slept straight through the night. No dreams, no night terrors just peaceful merciful sleep.

  Thank you, Marjorie.

  Chapter 6

  Marjorie

  After Zachery left my room I went back to my bed and lay there staring at the ceiling. I was physically too tired to even change clothes, but my mind just wouldn’t shut off. How could it after the life-altering revelations that took place a little over an hour ago? Zachery and I were connected, just not in the way I had hoped. And even though it had hurt me to hear his story, I couldn’t blame him. He was just as much of a victim in this as anyone, and he had suffered so much because of it. So much. I had lost my best friend, my lifeline, but that was no comparison to the amount of suffering he had endured. How could I even think to blame him? And I’ll admit I felt lighter than air when he told me I wasn’t to blame either because I did blame myself. I think that’s a normal reaction, probably the only normal thing about me. I know other people could blame him and be alright with it but that wasn’t me. Hate and guilt are like cancers that will eat you alive if you let them. No, I was here to find freedom from my demons and I would never find it if I took on new ones. Sierra would agree. I know she would. She never held a grudge or accepted hate into her heart. Feeling at peace with my decision I finally drifted off into a dreamless sleep, the smiling image of Sierra the last thing I saw.

  I woke up the next morning feeling relaxed. It had been a long time since I woke up with my stomach not already wound in knots. It felt good and yet completely foreign. I decided to not dwell and instead got out of bed to take a shower. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the water then undressed, remembering at the last second that my toiletry basket is delivered every morning. I wrapped a towel around myself then took a quick glance out of the window in my door; not seeing anyone, I quickly grabbed my basket and shut the door. My heart was pounding from the fear of potentially locking eyes with one of my floormates while I was completely naked under my towel.

  As I lathered, I thought about last night's conversation with Zachery. I still felt good about my reaction and decision which made me wonder if I tried to be more open to conversation with the others then maybe something good could come out of it. I still didn’t feel comfortable starting any conversations, but luckily Avery had no such problems.

  After showering and dressing I contemplated going down to breakfast alone, but anytime I tried to muster the courage my stomach knotted. I hated walking into crowded rooms alone.

  I was standing by my door, my hand hovering over the knob when I saw Avery walk out of her room and sit on the couch. Her head turned in my direction and a look of uncertainty crossed her face.

  Is she waiting for me?

  I took a deep breath and turned the knob. When she saw me she smiled brightly.

  “Good morning slugger. Sleep okay?”

  Slugger? Oh, right.

  Her right eye was a little bruised, “Sorry about that.” She waved away my words.

  “Ah, don’t worry about it. I deserved it. So you hungry?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You want to go down now or wait for the others?” As if on cue all three doors opened at the same time. “Great, the gangs all here, let’s go!” I met eyes with Zachery and smiled. His dark circles were less pronounced, making the deep blue of his eyes shine.

  The dining room was empty except for the workers so we were able to get our food quickly and make our way to the table in the back. We ate in companionable silence for a few minutes, but I could feel Avery’s eyes on me. I looked up at her with a questioning stare.

  “You look like you’re feeling better today.”

  “I do?”

  “Yeah, your shoulders are more relaxed and that crease in between your brows is gone.” I mentally took stock of what she said. I had already noted that I felt more relaxed, but I never gave a thought to how unrelaxed I may have looked.

  “I guess I do.” A throat cleared beside me and I turned to see a small smirk on Zachery’s lips.

  “So Avery, what’s with the posters on your door?” he asked between bites of bacon. She gave him a quizzical look and then leaned forward placing her elbows on the table, resting her head in her hands, a wicked smile on her lips and a mischievous glint in her eyes.

  “Well, I like pussy, both of the feline and human variety, obviously.” My eyes bulged and I choked on my water. As I coughed up my lungs I heard Malcolm’s deep voice chastising her.

  “Fuck off Malcolm.” was all I heard of the conversation before she turned her attention back to me and Zachery.

  “Sorry, that was a bit crass. I’m a lesbian and I like cats. I’m allergic to cats so the only way I can have them is in picture form. The girls I brought from my secret hiding place at home. Is that answer better, Dad?” she says in a snide tone directed at Malcolm.

  “How come the two of you don’t have any decorations on your doors?” I asked, surprising myself with the question, but wanting to avoid another bout of Avery versus Malcolm.

  “My decorations are inside my room. I have a poster of the west coast with stars on all the places I plan to sail my boat to when I get out of here.” Bodie said.

  “You have a boat?”

  “No, not yet, but I plan to get one. Right now I’m just researching the coastal areas. There’s a pretty good section in the library here.”

  “What about you Malcolm? What are you into?” I asked, letting the ease with which the questions were flowing bolster me.

  “I like anime and graphic novels. Y: The Last Man is one of my favorites, have you read it?”

  “No, what’s a graphic novel?”

  “It’s hard to explain. Most people think it’s a comic book but it’s more than that. They don’t have any here or else I’d sho
w you.” For some reason I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. Something about Malcolm screamed confidence and yet he seemed to want to fade into the background, despite his size making that virtually impossible. His dimples dug in a few times and his throat bobbed, but he didn’t look away either.

  “I can play the piano and I'm double-jointed in my shoulders.” Zachery’s voice pulled me out of my stare off, my eyes swung to him.

  “What’s double-jointed?”

  “Oh my god, I’ve gotta see that!” Avery was practically salivating with the need to see a demonstration. We all sat and watched as he clasped his hands behind his back and pulled them over his head with minimal effort, but oh my God the way it looked- I almost passed out from the sight and the pop sound was unnerving!

  After breakfast I went back up to my room to use the restroom. I had eaten something that did not agree with my stomach - or maybe it was the fact that I had pushed myself past my comfort levels. Whatever it was, it was reason enough for my stomach to revolt. I decided to stay in my room until the bubbles floating around in my belly went away. Without anything else to occupy my time and mind, I pulled the box from the corner and opened it. A long sigh escaped me as I looked inside. It was filled with clothes and shoes and nothing else. I should have known my mom wouldn’t send me Sierra’s blanket or her picture.

  Why would she help me? She likes me just the way I am.

  I cried for a bit as I put the contents in the wardrobe, letting the hurt burn in my heart, but only for a moment before I switched my focus to the sounds of girly laughter filtering through my door, making me smile.

  I couldn’t believe that in only days I was feeling less awkward and tense; amazed that I was even able to hold conversations with people I had just met. Sophie’s warm smile and infectious laugh flashed into my mind and my smile grew wider. I’m sure it also helped that Zachery was by my side the whole time. I was grateful to know that our conversation had somehow brought Zachery and me closer and not in the way that made him my new Sierra. It was different, new, and exciting. It’s a funny thing that a shared yet separate tragedy can bring two strangers to a place of peace and understanding, and maybe...more. There were still things that weighed heavily on my heart, but I was beginning to feel open to possibilities. Who knew that not worrying that every little thing you did or said was going to bring the world crashing down on you could be freeing. Certainly not me.

  Of course, I knew there would be moments that I would feel guilty about laughing at a joke or watching t.v. with my floormates, but I didn’t want to let a potential negative reaction hold me back anymore. If I had any hope of overcoming, then I had to face my fears head-on.

  Even now the thought of doing that made my palms clammy and my chest tighten, but for the most part I felt good. Good enough that I let a sliver of hope bury itself deep into my mind. It was okay and right for me to have hope for myself and my future.

  As I made up my mind to focus on the hope, I walked out of my room and into the unknown.

  A few days later I woke to the sound of knocking on my door and the tinkling voice of Avery as she entered my room, “Wakey, wakey sleepy head. You’re gonna miss breakfast if you keep sleeping!”

  “Ugh,” I said covering my head with my blanket, “you are way too happy to be here. I thought looney bins were full of moody, dark, melancholic people who hid in corners and avoided all human contact.” She giggled and then bounced onto my bed jostling me. I noticed that her right eye was still a little bruised, but she wore it like a badge of honor. Even talking up my fighting prowess when people asked about it.

  “Nope. And this isn’t a looney bin. It’s a treatment facility,” she corrected as she pulled the blanket away from me in one swift move, before she lay down next to me, “I’m not here because I’m depressed or tormented. I’m here because I’m a sexually promiscuous teen girl,” she waggled her brows and then winked, “But the real reason is that I’m a lesbian and my parents can’t deal. But you already know the lesbian part. Brighton House is actually the third facility I’ve been to ‘to correct my issues’,” she rolled her eyes and used air quotes when parroting the reason for her admittance, “I like it here, so I play along when my parents come to visit and tell them how much I’m learning about myself and blah, blah, blah. Besides, I’ll be eighteen in five months and free from all of the bullshit! So there’s that to look forward to.” she was staring at my face for an uncomfortably long time, but I couldn’t move. I liked the way she was looking at me. “Does that scare you?” she asked, losing all of the playfulness in her voice.

  “What? You being lesbian?” She nodded. I met her eyes because she was putting herself out there, and I knew how hard that was, and I wanted her to know that I understood, “No. That doesn’t scare me. There are far worse things to be scared of than someone who might love differently than me.” She looked down and nervously bit her lip.

  “And what if I was attracted to you? Would you be scared then?” Her voice was barely above a whisper. She was scared of my reaction. Avery was, admittedly, the first lesbian I had ever met, at least, I thought so, but I honestly wasn’t scared. In fact, since the hospital, it seemed that I was having a sexual awakening along with my emotional one. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find her to be beautiful and that I wasn’t intrigued and curious. I had never really had feelings for anyone before, but I did find women as attractive as men, so while that didn’t make me a lesbian, it didn’t rule out women in general. I mean, just because I didn’t want to talk to anyone didn’t mean that I was blind. Still, what did that mean for my sexuality?

  Am I bi-sexual? Pansexual? I can’t think about all that now.

  “No, Avery, that wouldn’t scare me.” Our faces were closer than they were before my mental musings, but I couldn’t find it in me to move. “Are you attracted to me, Avery?” My voice had gone husky and a feeling in the pit of my stomach was growing in intensity the longer we stared at each other.

  “Yes,” she said staring at my mouth, leaning in a little. I braced myself for the kiss, but then she quickly leaned back and scooted off of the bed to stand facing me. A twinge of sadness sparked in my heart at the distance she put between us, “But I’m not going to kiss you. For one, you’re not ready for that, and for two you really need to brush your teeth. Your breath stinks!” Instead of feeling ridiculed, I laughed and threw a pillow at her, “Get up and get dressed, I’ll meet you in the common room in twenty minutes. Oh, I brought in your toiletry basket. It’s on the desk.” Her voice had gone back to its tinkly tone. She closed the door behind her, leaving me alone and feeling all kinds of needy in a way that I’ve never needed anyone before. It was a strange and exciting feeling and I had to admit I wanted more.

  I’d never been a girly-girl so twenty minutes was plenty of time for me to shower, brush my teeth and get dressed. I settled on a black three-quarter sleeve ribbed Henley, dark wash capris and black Teva sandals. When I was finished dressing I stood in front of the double-sided mirrored door and looked at myself. I hadn’t actually done that in over a month or so. I mean I looked at myself, but not with any sort of precision. I just didn’t care what I looked like, but something had shifted in me. The thought of Zachery and Avery looking at me made me want to look good. Or as good as a girl like me could look. I mean I wasn't ugly. I was tall, and even though I was a lot thinner than I used to be it still suited my hourglass frame. My curly auburn hair was a lot longer than I’d ever had it, and my eyebrows needed a serious plucking, but my green eyes looked bright, and my skin finally had some color to it, no doubt brought on by my exchange with Avery. My lips were fuller than hers, but I bet they’d fit nicely in a kiss.

  What has gotten into you, Marjorie?

  I gave myself one last glance, threw my hair into a messy bun, letting a few errant curls fall out, and walked out of my door and into the common room where Avery, Bodie, and Malcolm were waiting for me. I wasn’t expecting them all so I stumbled a bit when I saw them, “You didn
’t all wait for me did you?” I looked from one to the other, their smiles giving them away, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I would have hurried,” I said, feeling guilty at making them wait. Falling easily back into the old Marjorie.

  “Nah, don’t worry about it, we all just got here a few minutes ago ourselves,” Bodie said, waving down my worry.

  “Oh,” I sighed, “Okay. It won’t happen again.”

  “It’s cool, Marjorie, really. You seem to still be having a hard time with going to the dining room so we just wanted to make sure you didn’t have to go in alone,” Bodie assured.

  “Thanks,” I whispered as I nervously pulled on a curl. Malcolm walked over to me and for the first time, I noticed he had a slight limp.

  “If you need space just say so. We don’t want to compound your anxiety,”

  Anxiety? Is that what I have? Zachery said the same thing the other day.

  “Don’t mind Dr. Malcolm, he thinks that because he reads psych journals he can diagnose and treat anyone. You’re not a doctor Malcolm, don’t put shit in her head.” Avery chastised. It was a little annoying that she always had to remark anytime he said anything to me.

  “Yet,” Malcolm ground out through clenched teeth.

  “Ooook, so who’s hungry?” Bodie interjected attempting to break the tension between Avery and Malcolm. Malcolm was the first to break from their standoff by walking to the elevator.

  “That wasn’t very nice Avery. He was just trying to help.” Avery narrowed her eyes at me and got in my face. I had come to notice that she shifted her mood rather quickly when it came to Malcolm. It made me wonder why, but I wasn’t going to ask.