Finding Hope (The Heartmates Trilogy Book 1)

by J Grace

  “You did? From who?” Only Avery, Bodie and I were there and it wasn't me. Avery avoids him like the plague and Bodie isn't a gossip.

  Is he?

  “Avery.”

  Huh, well I didn't expect that.

  My eyes must have popped out of my head at the mention of her name because he laughed at my reaction.

  “Yeah, I know, not who you were expecting, but we had a really good talk the other day and have had a few more since then. There was a misunderstanding from before we both got here that set her panties in a twist where I'm concerned, but we got it sorted out, mostly. At any rate, we're working on it.” He looked peaceful at the admission.

  “So, is what she said true? I mean, she didn't tell me much, just something about being drunk and an ATV.” He sat there, a furrow creasing his brow. “You don't have to tell me. It's none of my business…”

  “No, it's ok. I like you. I don't know why. I barely know you, but there's something about you. I feel like you won't judge me. Or maybe it's because, in a state that worships me and my kind, you have no idea who I am...or was.” He looked around the room briefly before he turned back to me. “The ATV thing was a lie, sort of. So many people here know who I am and I didn’t want them knowing the truth, feeling sorry for me. Dr. Banner knows, Bodie knows, Avery knows, and now you will too.

  "I had osteosarcoma - bone cancer - in my foot. I wrote off the pain as just par for the course football pain, but it wasn't. I was losing weight, waking up covered in sweat. By the time it became unbearable, it was too late. It had spread to my ankle and part of my tibia. Luckily it hadn’t spread any further. Unfortunately, it was too late for chemo to work so they had to amputate or I would die. In the beginning I wished they'd just have let me die. I mean, everything I knew, everything I had worked for, everything that was supposed to be mine was already dead, so why not me too? It would have been easier. My parents could have grieved a loss they could understand and I wouldn't have to be around to see their hopes and dreams get cut off with my leg. They wanted me to do radiation but I refused. I had lost my leg and that was enough for me. I used to pray every night that it would come back, especially when the phantom pains got to be really bad. But I stopped two weeks ago. The day I met you.” Malcolm stared at me, his eyes boring holes into me before continuing, “It’s not because of anything you did, really. You just looked so scared and I couldn’t imagine what a girl like you could be so afraid of. Then when we went to lunch I could see you closing in on yourself; it only intensified my curiosity. But you know, the more time I spend with you, the more I realize how different you really are from other girls that I’ve met. How different you are since your first day here. You’ve really pushed yourself, which is something I’ve yet to do, but seeing you do it really makes me want to do the same.” He let out a soft laugh, making his dimples dig into his cheeks. “I guess I just answered my own question about why I like you. And even though I probably shouldn’t be thinking about you that way, I can’t help it. You don’t have to say anything. I know it's crazy to think you feel something for someone you just met…”

  “Actually, I’m finding that it’s not as crazy as it should be. I'm just new to all of this. Being here has opened my mind in more ways than one and I'm just trying not to let it all consume me. It's like I'm going from zero to one million in the blink of an eye. I mean, the fact that I’m sitting here with a guy, talking...well, it’s blowing my mind. Just be patient with me, okay?” I reached out and touched his hand. His eyes flicked down and then back up to me. I guess he didn’t expect that.

  Me either.

  “Yeah, I can do that.” Just then, I heard the unmistakable tinkle of Avery's voice heading our way. I pulled my hand back just in time.

  “Hey, thanks for waiting for us, you guys,” she joked as she set her tray on the table.

  “Sorry, I just happened to run into Malcolm on my way down. I have my first one-on-one with Dr. Banner in,” I checked the clock, “oh crap, ten minutes. I better go.” I shot out of my seat and grabbed my tray.

  “I'll take it. Go before you're late.” Malcolm said, pulling my tray to him. I glanced over to Avery and noticed her watching our interaction with a little too much interest.

  There'll be questions about this later, no doubt.

  “Thanks,” I said before turning and heading to Dr. Banner’s office. A growing sensation of butterflies invaded my stomach and I was left wondering if they were from my impending session or all of the attention I was suddenly getting from my floormates.

  By the time I reached Dr. Banner's office, my hands were a sweaty mess and my stomach had somehow jumped into my throat. I closed my eyes and let out a deep shuddering breath before knocking on the door. I heard the clacking of her heels as she came closer, the sound in rhythm with my pounding heart. She opened the door and a waft of her Gardenia perfume hit me.

  “Good morning, Marjorie. Come in and have a seat on the couch.” She held the door open so I could pass. I took my seat and fidgeted while she grabbed my file from her desk. Once she made herself comfortable and turned her recorder on she looked at me, then down at my hands. “There’s no need to be nervous. Today will be easy, I promise. Nothing too in-depth, just a quick check-in to see how you’ve been getting along these past weeks. So, why don’t you tell me what you think of the facility?” It was as if a lid had been ripped off of my personality and I let it all fly.

  “I love it! It’s very homey and comfortable. The staff is friendly and not intrusive. The library is amazing, especially the private rooms. And I’m actually looking forward to working in the kitchen.” I was more animated than I had ever been in my life.

  Who the hell are you?

  “That’s good. I’m glad you like it. Being comfortable makes doing the hard work a lot less scary. Don’t misunderstand, you will still be plenty apprehensive. It’s normal to have a fight or flight mentality when dealing with such deep personal feelings and situations. But, I will never push you. I want you to trust that I am on your side. I have only your best interests and healing in mind. That being said, I will ask you hard questions, questions that will make you want to shut down or lash out. Know that it is the mind’s defense system. We will work to push past it, but I will never push you hard enough to cause a regression. That would be completely counterproductive and will only cause mistrust between us.” She paused for a moment and then continued, “You know, I have to say that the change in your demeanor in only a few weeks is really encouraging. I hope that you feel it too However, the reality is that you will have down moments that will seemingly come from nowhere, but that too is normal and expected. Don’t let that discourage you or detract from the progress that you are making. Progress, no matter how little, no matter how slow, is still progress, and it is something to be proud of. Now, how are you getting along with your floormates?” A blush crept up my cheeks, staining them pink.

  “Um ...really good,” I giggled, thinking of Avery and her failed attempt at an epic first meeting. “I like them a lot. It’s nice to be around people your own age who are similar, yet completely different. I grew up thinking I was an anomaly or special, but being here, I know that I’m not and that truth feels really freeing.”

  “Good, that’s really good. Just a reminder that starting tomorrow you will begin taking your online classes. Technically you’ve only missed a little over 2 weeks so it shouldn’t be an issue with catching up. Nurse Astrid has already set a schedule for you that you can pick up at the front desk once we’re through. You won’t be able to walk the stage, though, and I’m sorry for that.” Dr. Banner looked motherly at that moment. It broke my heart a bit that this woman, a relative stranger, looked at me in a more motherly way than my actual mother ever had. I felt the tears start to form and I shook myself out of it.

  “It’s okay. I didn’t have any friends at school anyway, besides Sierra.” I was shocked by how unaffected I was by this statement. But I didn’t have time to dwell on it because the next thi
ng that came out of Dr. Banner’s mouth pushed all other thoughts out of my head.

  “Your family has requested a visit with you, but I told them that it was up to you. I’m sure the prospect of seeing your family is exciting to you, however, I think it would be best if you wait a while. Though you seem remarkably well, I’m concerned that seeing them could trigger an emotional relapse. So, I’m suggesting that you get through a few group sessions and at least one more session with me. How does that sound to you?” In truth, I hadn’t really thought about my family much. Every time I did, their angry faces flashed in my mind, and the pain of knowing I disappointed them, again, was just too much to deal with right now. I knew I would have to eventually face them, but I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t strong enough...yet.

  “I think that’s probably best. Can I ask you a question?”

  “Of course.”

  I was scared to ask because I was terrified of the answer. Besides Sierra, my brother was the closest person to me. He had changed over time, but he never told me to act normal, like my mother did. So, seeing the way he looked at me at the hospital, how he refused to talk to me, how he wasn’t there when I was sent to the psych ward...it was devastating. “Did my parents mention my brother? Did he want to visit too or…?” I couldn’t finish the question. My throat started to close as emotion overcame me.

  “I’m sorry Marjorie, they didn’t say. But, if you’d like I will ask next time they call?” I nodded, too afraid that I might break open the flood gates if I opened my mouth, “You know, you’re not at all the girl your mother described, which leads me to believe that she wasn’t exactly forthcoming with all of the pertinent particulars of your case. Why don’t you tell me about your home life? Just what you’re willing to share for now, but if I’m going to help you, then I need to know the truth, even if it paints someone in an ugly light. This is about you and you alone.” Before I even had time to process what she was asking, a loud banging erupted on her door startling us both. I wasn’t sure at first that it wasn’t from the slamming of my heart against my chest. Our eyes flew to the door as the knob began to jiggle furiously.

  “LET ME IN YOU FUCKING BITCH, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO KEEP ME HERE!” Dr. Banner jumped from the couch and strode across the floor, stopping at her desk as the door shook from the repeated assault. Multiple voices could be heard from outside the door. “GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME!” the voice shouted as a struggle was heard.

  “Stay inside Dr. Banner! Do not open the door until we have the patient sedated.” Dr. Banner rushed to the door and yanked it open as she yelled.

  “No!” She hurried out the door leaving me sitting in shock. “No, don’t sedate her. Take her to the holding room. Cashmere…”

  “Dr. Banner, please don’t approach her…” a male voice interrupted.

  “It’s fine, isn’t it Cashmere? You’re not going to hurt me. You’re angry, and you have every right to be. I know what you thought about what we discussed, and you feel betrayed. I’m sorry about that, but I think you know it wasn’t time. Look at where we are right now, look at what’s happening...Nurse James and Nurse Adam are going to escort you, peacefully, to the holding room. I’ll be there in a few minutes and we will talk, okay? Can you go without a fight?” There were no words spoken, at least that I could hear, but Cashmere must have agreed because there was no more yelling or fighting.

  Dr. Banner came back into the room a few minutes later looking no worse for wear. “I’m sorry you had to witness that, Marjorie,” she said as she closed the door behind her on her way back to the couch.

  “It’s alright. Is Cashmere okay?” It could be easy to forget that Brighton House is a treatment facility for troubled youth sometimes.

  “I appreciate your concern, but I can’t discuss other patients.” I nodded in understanding. “I think it’s probably best if we cut this session short. I’m not sure you would be able to focus on anything other than what just happened.” She got up from the couch without waiting for my reply and headed to her desk. I sat there while she scribbled on a piece of paper, then looked up at me, “Take this to the front desk. The nurse on duty will give you your online course schedule. I’m also granting you access to leave the building and explore the grounds.” She held the piece of paper out to me and I jumped off the couch to retrieve it, momentarily forgetting about Cashmere and focusing on my newfound privileges.

  “Really? Thank you!” I didn’t think I'd smiled this big in forever.

  “You’ve earned it.” Dr. Banner smiled back at me, but it didn’t reach her eyes. I knew why of course, she still had to deal with Cashmere.

  I left her office with a bounce in my step and a feeling of accomplishment. She believed in me and she also believed that I was worth something. That meant everything to me. I was also grateful that I didn’t have to delve into my family affairs. I didn’t want to say all of the things that I had been through in my parent’s care. I didn’t want her to look at me...with that look that Bodie had said would come my way, which now that I think about it is probably the same looks I’ve gotten my entire life. And no, that look was not good.

  Still, I felt terrible for Cashmere and wondered what could have caused such an angry outburst, but it really was none of my business.

  Chapter 11

  Malcolm

  I watched as Marjorie walked away heading for her one-on-one with Dr. Banner. She was so different than any girl I’d ever met. I would never have guessed that she was here for attempted suicide, but then, I never would have thought I’d get cancer and lose my leg, so what did I know. Marjorie was quiet and shy, and then, like a switch flipped, she was open and receptive, and then, like a switch flipped again, she was awkward and unsure. It made me wonder what kind of home life she had that she could be so all over the place emotionally. I tried a few times to meet her eyes, but she just kept looking down or to the side, anywhere but at me. That is until I told her that I liked her. That definitely got her attention. I was nervous about being so honest, especially since she knew the truth about my lie, but she really didn’t seem to put too much thought into that part of my story. It felt good to tell someone who didn't already have preconceived notions of me or my life. I’m glad it was her.

  The truth was, running into Marjorie in the common room was a total coincidence. Not that I’m complaining. I’d actually been hoping to get some alone time with her, but with attention-seeking Avery, laid back Bodie, and zoned in Zachery (man alliteration is hard), moody Malcolm was relegated to the background, which was ironic given how big I am physically. And I knew, given my history and image, that most people wouldn’t peg me for the socially awkward type, but it’s easy not to be when the other person was doing all of the work. Girls always came to me. I just sat there and let them inflate my ego until my head detached from my body and flew high into the stratosphere where it stayed until my cancer diagnosis. I foolishly believed that even if I wasn’t a football star anymore my friends would stick around, but they didn’t. After my leg got cut off, those assholes scattered like roaches do when the light comes on. Makes sense now though, they were always after my scraps. But back then, when it was fresh, it hurt, a lot. I don’t think I’d ever cried as much as I did during those days. Some of those guys had been my friends since elementary school. When they abandoned me, it really made me question a lot of other things in my life. I started to look at everyone, even my parents, as users: otherwise, why did they push me so hard to be the best at football? When they cried I wondered if they cried for me, or the money and fancy things I was no longer going to be able to give them. I started to resent them for putting all of their hopes and dreams on my shoulders. Wasn’t it enough that my dreams died when my leg was cut off? Why did I have to be responsible for the death of their dreams too? We got in huge fights and even though they tried to assure me that what I thought wasn’t true, I couldn’t find it in me to believe them. I was angry, I was cruel, and I was unapologetic.

  Until one day my coach came to see m
e and talk some sense into me. I didn’t want to hear it. There wasn’t a motivational speech in the world that was gonna change my attitude or my mind. I had lost everything I had worked so hard for, and everyone I thought cared about me. But Coach wasn’t having it. He tried the tough love approach. He told me to get over myself. I wasn’t the only person who had ever lost a limb or a dream. But what did he know? He still had all of his limbs and none of his friends deserted him. And when tough love didn’t work, he told me a story about himself and a time before he was my coach.

  Ten years ago he had a son, a football star like me, who died by his own hand when he was eighteen. He lost a leg after a drunken ride on an ATV, and everything that I was going through, he went through. The loss of a dream, friends, questioning people's intentions, the anger, the hostility, and finally self-defeat. It was six months after the accident that he sat his parents down, told them he was sorry and that he finally accepted his fate. They thought he meant he was ready to move on from the anger and resentment and get back to living, but that night he hung himself from the beam in the living room. His mother found him the next morning. She died of a prescription drug overdose a few months later. She left a note saying that she was sorry, but she wanted to be with her son. Coach had buried his son and his wife within three months of each other. He moved to Dallas to escape the gossip and stares.

  I sat there in shock. I didn’t want to die, I mean, I thought about it sure, especially when the pain was too much, but somewhere, far in the back of my mind, I knew that I would find a new dream. There were things I liked besides football. I just never got to explore them because of football. But he was right, if I just wallowed in anger and self-pity I might never find my way back.

  I was lost in thought when I felt him put something in my hand. It was a brochure for Brighton House. He said that someone recommended that he send his son here, but he had decided against it. It was the worst decision of his life. He said he would never forgive himself if he let me meet the same fate. I knew then, looking at the broken man before me, what I had to do. I didn’t want that future for me or my parents. I was admitted voluntarily the next day. That was six months ago.