by Zarreen Khan
But then again, I’m not taking that bait and inviting her over just yet. I need my peace. Even though Shania is really no peace at all. Yesterday she had a serious conversation with me about breast implants. First I thought she was suggesting it for me. Me. I’m currently size 38C. But apparently she’s considering it for herself.
Anyway, Mummy sounded highly distressed, so I asked her what was wrong.
‘It’s about Mohini.’
Oh no! Her puking. Ramit had suggested taking her to the gastroenterologist. And now …
‘She’s pregnant again.’
‘No, Mummy, you must be mistaken. She just had her baby.’
‘Her baby is two-months old.’
I didn’t know people could get pregnant that quickly. Clearly Mohini didn’t know either.
‘Why doesn’t she stay at her in-laws? She’s always here, puking away,’ Mummy complained.
Maybe it’s because she’s always puking away …
Week 38
Your pregnancy is now full term
Ramit
Laila and Shashi came over today. We were all gathered in the living room – Mona, Shania and I.
‘We wanted to speak with you guys.’
I wanted to run. Shania had meddled in their private lives and they were here to tell us off. I wanted to say or do something to show them that I wasn’t complicit in the actions of wife or my sister-in-law.
‘Sure, come on in,’ Mona invited them, smiling widely. I looked over at her but she seemed all innocent.
‘We can’t stay very long. We have a lot of things to do.’ Shashi said.
They never turn down an invitation, so I knew for sure that this must have been serious. Gosh, Shania is more trouble than all Deols put together. And there are a lot of Deols to put together …
‘I can’t thank you enough, Shania, for having this chat with us,’ Laila said. ‘You really helped us move forward in our relationship, and helped us open up to each other about what we want from our lives. And we’ve decided that since we’re already bound by this beautiful life to come, we should bind ourselves in something else as well. So, we’re getting married!’
Oh, getting married. Phew.
After that there was a whole lot of drama – Shania and Mona screaming and hugging Laila and Shania saying she knew it, she knew it and then the three women were squeezing each other’s hands and talking non-stop. Shashi and I looked on. I figured I should say something to him too, so I smiled and said, ‘what’s up’, to which he looked a little confused and shrugged. Clearly, ‘what’s up’ was not the right response.
Mona
Basically all it needed was a little bit of mediation and counselling, and Shania helped them. She counselled Laila through her fear of losing someone again, like she had her cricketer boyfriend. She counselled Shashi about his broken marriage. Then she helped them express themselves with each other honestly and also gave them a little bit of emotional drama too, I think. Honestly, I can’t believe this is my little sister of the ashrams and slinky saris. Wow.
And turns out, Shashi comes from a happy home and knows the importance of it. Laila comes from a broken home and yearns for her child to have a happy childhood. So all that was stopping them from making their relationship official was the fear inside them.
Apparently, Shania’s counselling didn’t tell them to get married or anything. She simply helped them ‘arrive’ at this resolution themselves.
‘That’s what counsellors do,’ Shania told me. ‘They guide you rather than tell you. Haven’t you seen Dear Zindagi?’
Oh God! Was my sister claiming to be a counsellor because she’d seen one Bollywood movie on the subject?
But basically a lot of credit was given to Shania and how mature she was and I did feel a teeny weeny bit bad because I thought I had been helpful too by … I’m not sure how, but I’m sure I’d been helpful.
Yes, I sometimes get competitive even with my baby sister.
Then they surprised me by asking me to be a witness at their registration. They’re obviously having a court wedding. Me! Not Shania. Me!
Okay, it’s a little unfair, because she’s the one who helped them through this but … wow! I’ve never been a witness in a court wedding before.
And it’s next week!
Ramit
I don’t want to burst Mona’s happy bubble about being asked to be the witness instead of Shania, but it’s clearly because Mona’s the one with the Delhi residence proof, not Shania, and that’s required for a court marriage. But she’s so excited about it that now she’s sitting with a paper and pen practising her signature.
Mona
Shania was sulking at not being asked to be the witness, but then they gave her this lovely semi-precious bracelet as a thank you gift so she was all right after all.
They will be having a civil wedding this Saturday at their house.
I had to tell Laila to keep someone else as back-up lest I go into labour; I’m 38 weeks now, you know. I could go into labour any second!
Dr Mehak did an internal check this week – painful and how – and said she’s sure I’ll be in this week itself.
But I don’t want to let Laila down.
Ramit
The Saturday of the wedding, I had an urgent meeting come up. Mona was livid I had to go, but I promised I’d be back on time. Rushed back an hour late. Mona and Shania had left for the wedding next-door. It was noon, so assumed the signing was over. Shit. I’d missed Mona’s moment of glory.
Took a quick shower and found Mona hadn’t taken out my clothes for the wedding. Fine, it’s a little chauvinistic of me to expect her to get my clothes ready, but I had a meeting this morning and … anyway, spent an hour trying to locate my sherwani. Finally found it in the guest room cupboard, thankfully dry cleaned and ironed. Quickly got ready and headed to the neighbours.
Mona
Gorgeous wedding! Lots of pink roses and a canopy of white lillies, where they took their vows. Shania, Tina and I had spent all of last week making preparations for the wedding.
I posed for a picture with Laila with our bumps. Felt more like a baby shower picture but whatever.
I was a bit sad that Ramit missed out on seeing me sign as a witness. My signature looked really classy. And I thought I looked really classy too. I was in my red dress from my baby shower, Shania was in a lovely green dress and Laila was in the most exquisite pink-and-white satin. All the men were in really smart tuxedos. Except …
Ramit
So it was more of a Western-style wedding. Right.
My sherwani was a bit of a fashion misfire.
Mona
Went back to my house to pee. Laila’s loo was occupied. Just as I was coming out, I spotted Mrs Kapoor hiding behind one of the bushes, looking into Laila’s house.
‘Well, hello,’ I said to her. She almost jumped out of her skin. Ha!
‘Is there another party at that Laila’s house?’ she asked me.
‘Yes, there is.’
‘Big party. I’ve never seen them have such a big party.’
‘Saheb-memsahib ki shaadi hai,’ I heard Lakshmibai comment from behind me.
Mrs Kapoor looked indignant. She instantly dismissed Lakshmi. ‘I was just asking like that only. Must be a milestone anniversary.’
‘Not anniversary. Shaadi hai!’ Lakshmi said loudly, as if Mrs Kapoor was deaf.
Mrs Kapoor looked at her in horror and then turned to me. ‘But she’s pregnant, na?’
‘They’re getting married now and yes she’s pregnant and I’m really very happy for them,’ I told her firmly.
‘This is just too much modern for me,’ she shook her head and walked off.
I hurried back inside and bumped into a mopey looking Tina Tej Mushran.
‘This one’s going to be hard to beat.’
‘Sorry?’
‘I’ve been planning her baby shower, you know. But after this party, I’m not sure how I’m going to throw something more
grand.’
This was her wedding. It was supposed to be grand. And all this woman could think about was how to beat it! So competitive.
Ramit
I stood around like an oddball in my dark grey sherwani while all the other men walked around in their suits. I looked like the bandwala!
So I basically hung around the waiters and then walked off to the backyard and guess who I saw there. Shania. Exercising her mouth on a very handsome stranger. Mona came out just then too.
She pulled Shania aside and gave her a lecture on how she should have some dignity and shame and not do such things in public places with strangers. Shania rolled her eyes at Mona and called her old-fashioned. She said Ved was Shashi’s nephew and while he was a wee bit younger than her, they had clicked. Called Mona a pregnant, hormonal aunty and swished off.
Mona
Just as we were retiring for the night I felt a stab of envy. What a beautiful wedding. White and pink. My own wedding had been red and gold, and very circus-like, with the mothers arguing throughout.
Then I felt another stab of envy as I recalled Laila squeezing my arm this afternoon.
‘Shit!’ she’d said with a laugh. ‘I never thought I’d wear a size ten for my wedding!’
Size ten! I couldn’t even wear a size ten before my pregnancy!
And then just before I closed my eyes, I wondered, would Laila have a wedding night?
Week 39
Every small twinge has you on high alert
Mona
This morning, I opened the door to find Leela, Laila’s maid, standing at the door.
‘Didi, Madam …’ she said, breaking into a sob.
All sorts of things came rushing to my mind.
He’d killed her! He’d killed her on their wedding night! He didn’t really want to marry her. He never had. She had emotionally blackmailed him. And now he’d killed her.
‘Madam … floor pe …’
I rushed to their place and found Laila on their sofa, twisting in pain, a pool of water around her feet. I froze in shock.
‘What do we do? What do we do?’ Leela kept rambling, wringing her hands.
‘Mona,’ Laila managed to say, grasping my hand. ‘I think I’m in labour. I mean,’ she managed to laugh, ‘I am definitely in labour. And Shashi is in court.’
Oh my God! His wife was in labour and he’d gone to file for divorce! Then I remembered he was a lawyer.
‘I’ve sent word to him but … arrrrrrrgggg … phoo phoo phoo …’
I felt like my own water would break in panic.
‘So he didn’t hurt you?’
‘Who didn’t hurt me?’
‘Shashi?’
‘What? No, I’m in … aaaaa … contraction … phoo phoo phoo.’
I quickly gathered my wits.
‘Call my husband,’ I told Leela.
I stroked Laila’s hands. ‘Don’t worry. Ramit will drive us to the hospital immediately. He’s still home. Where are your papers?’
‘They’re right here in the top drawer. You’ll need to call my doctor Shimauli and tell her I’m coming in. I haven’t even done that yet. I could only think of Shashi. I thought …’ Another contraction and she broke into a hysterical scream. ‘I thought I could hold on till Shashi got back but this … argh! Phoo phoo phoo … Yes, don’t think I can. Oh Mona, it’s so bad, so bad!’
I felt a sympathy contraction myself. I didn’t want to know how bad it was.
‘I had a few … in the morning when Shashi was … leaving. But after that I was just sitting here and my water broke!’ She yelped out again. Okay, clearly the contractions were coming faster now.
I called Dr Shimauli and told her Laila was coming in.
Ramit came rushing in, looking panicked, and put a hand on my stomach.
‘I’m not in labour. She is! Hurry up! Get the car out.’
As Ramit went dashing out, I heard Laila snicker between her screams.
‘Shit, Mona. I thought it only happened in the movies … that you have sex … and it induces labour.’
Ramit
They had sex on their wedding night. Which is fine. But she was pregnant. Mona hasn’t let me near her in nine months. I glanced at her and she looked back pointedly.
No point discussing that, then.
We rushed in and were given curious glances by the hospital staff.
‘Umm, which one of the ladies is in labour?’
Fair question, since Mona was sweating and huffing and puffing and generally far more panicked than the woman in labour.
They wheeled Laila in and Mona went in with her. I was glad to see Shashi rushing in five minutes later and with a thank-you pat, he disappeared inside as well.
Then Mona emerged.
‘You go home and get some rest,’ one of the doctors told her.
We waited for a bit and I heard Laila screaming away inside. It sounded like bloody murder.
‘She’s refusing the epidural,’ Tina said, emerging from nowhere. ‘Sometimes Laila can be so obstinate!’
We stood around for a bit and Mona covered her ears with every scream.
‘You should go,’ Tina told her sympathetically. ‘No point panicking right now.’
Mona
‘Too bad your baby shower didn’t work out,’ I told Tina right before leaving, trying to distract myself from the screaming.
She blinked at me and then realisation dawned upon her. Of course, now with the baby already here, it was too late for the shower.
I turned to Ramit. ‘Tina’s been planning one for this weekend. For Laila.’
‘I had caterers booked,’ Tina said with dismay. Then she snapped her fingers. ‘I’m going to convert it to a welcome-home party for the baby.’
She immediately pulled out her phone and started barking orders. Ramit and I left.
‘I’m not sure Laila will like that,’ I told Ramit as we drove back home.
‘What?’
‘Tina’s sent a text on the Laila Baby Shower group, saying that as Laila has gone into pre-term labour – which she hasn’t really, because she’s thirty-four weeks and it does qualify as full-term technically – she wants to convert the baby shower to a welcome party. I’m sure Laila will not be pleased to walk into a house full of people!’
‘You should tell Tina that.’
‘What? And have her cancel the catering and decorators and tell all the high flying page-three type people she’s already blocked the date with that the party is off? That’s like a death wish.’
Then Ramit and my phones buzzed at the same time.
It’s a girl!
Ramit
And the rest of the evening, Mona sulked.
‘I should be the one having the baby first, not Laila!’ she kept muttering.
If the morning full of panic didn’t induce labour, I don’t think anything will. I decided to be a supportive husband nonetheless and stroked her hair till she fell asleep.
Mona
All the love I’ve been feeling for Laila has suddenly vanished. Now all I can think of is how competitive she was by having this baby before me and obviously had their wedding-night sex only to induce labour. I steal a glance at Ramit but he’s already snoring away.
It was a miracle we conceived this baby in the first place!
Week 40
You will meet your baby any day now
Mona
Seriously? No sign of my labour starting any time.
We’re at the hospital and Tina is complimenting Laila on doing this without an epidural.
Laila looks like a bloody diva. She’s in this gorgeous floral gown and her hair is pulled back in a perky ponytail with a shiny scrunchie.
‘I was dilating so fast I’m not sure they could have given me one in any case.’
‘How is the baby doing?’ Tina asks.
‘Out of the NICU now. So excited to have her in our room.’
Since the baby was born a little early, she had to be under observation
for the first twenty-four hours.
‘Here she comes, after her bath.’
I turn to the little cradle being wheeled in, prepared to coo about how cute she is.
But oh! She’s all pink and skinny and wrinkly and puffy-eyed and has these white acne type stuff all over her face and has a pretty strange looking nose.
Shashi and Laila and even Tina are cooing at the baby as if she’s the prettiest thing they’ve seen! Are they blind? I think Tina is just being artificial and can’t possibly feel love for this baby. Laila is just blinded by her agonizing labour. And Shashi, well, he’s a lawyer. He knows how to lie.
Before I know it, Shashi hands the baby over to me. It’s then that I realize I don’t even know how to hold a newborn. I coo along with them and wish someone would take the baby back from me but they’re chatting away amongst themselves.
‘Feeding time!’ some doctor announces, walking in with a wide smile.
‘Oh, I’ve already started lactating,’ Laila says as she, much to my horror, starts to undo her buttons.
I’m just so glad Ramit isn’t here to die of embarrassment. I hand over the baby and rush towards the door even as Shashi and Tina stand around to watch.
‘Why don’t you stay on, Mona? It will be good practice to see what you’re in for?’ Tina suggests with a naughty smile. I try to giggle to cover up for my nervousness as I see a white boob emerge from Laila’s gown. I look away quickly and make a hasty exit. These people have no sense of privacy at all!
Ramit
I picked up Mona from the hospital and dropped in to say hello to the new parents. I have to say newborn babies are strange-looking. I mean, given how great-looking the parents are, this baby looks rather, um, not great.
Mona was fuming away as we drove off. I’m guessing it was because she is still very much pregnant while Laila isn’t. But turns out, I’m wrong.
Mona
‘Who does she think she is calling her daughter Adriana! That’s a foreign name! It’ll embarrass her all her life, that name. Adriana Sachdev!’
Ramit
Mona sat up in bed all night. At first, I thought it was another acidity attack but turns out she was still obsessing about Laila’s baby-naming antics.