by Patricia Kay
Now she wondered what it might have been like if she had been treated like her sisters. Maybe she wouldn’t have had so many stupid insecurities. And maybe she and her sisters would be better friends today. She shook off the memory. This day belonged to John. She didn’t want anything to spoil it.
They ate lunch at the food court—Sydney laughing as John tried to get his mouth around an enormous gyro. She opted for pizza, which was easier to eat.
After lunch, they started looking for gifts for the rest of John’s family. Sydney decided she might as well get things for her family, too. She was ashamed to admit it to John, but she usually took the easy way out and gave everybody except her parents gift certificates. She smiled, thinking how surprised they would be to see that she’d actually taken the time to shop.
She selected expensive cologne for Wendy, knowing that her youngest sister didn’t have a lot of discretionary income right now. For Eliza, she decided on a designer scarf, and for Claire a leather handbag like the one John bought his sister.
They made several trips to the car to dump their packages in the trunk. At four o’clock, John said, “I’m ready to call it a day.”
“Me, too,” Sydney said thankfully. Her feet hurt.
“Do you mind if we go by my house? I’ll drop this stuff off and check messages. I also told the kids I’d call today,” John said.
“I don’t mind at all.”
As they were walking out of the mall, John suddenly stopped.
“What?” Sydney said.
John walked over to the window of a small boutique called Phoebe’s. In the window was a winter scene, complete with Santa Claus and a sleigh. Sitting atop the sleigh was a blond mannequin dressed in a long-sleeved, full-skirted red wool dress with a low-scooped neckline trimmed in pearls and iridescent sequins.
“C’mon. Let’s go in,” John said. He grabbed her hand.
Sydney smothered her moan. She didn’t feel like doing any more shopping. “Who’d you forget?”
He smiled. “I didn’t forget anyone. I just saw something I want.”
When they were inside, an elegant gray-haired saleswoman approached them. Her name tag said “Phoebe.” She smiled. “Is there something I can help you with?”
“Yes,” John said. “That red dress in the window. Do you have it in her size?” He gestured toward Sydney.
Sydney’s mouth dropped open.
The saleswoman looked at Sydney critically. “Size ten?” she said.
“John,” Sydney said, “I don’t think—”
“I do.”
“But, John-”
“Please, Sydney. Humor me, okay?”
Ten minutes later, Sydney stood in the dressing room and told herself not to be silly. Her admonition didn’t help. She felt ridiculous, like a kid playing dress-up, or something. She didn’t want to walk out and let John or the saleswoman see her in the dress. She knew she looked stupid. All she’d had to do was look at herself in the mirror. She simply wasn’t cut out to wear a dress like this. But even as she tugged the neckline up, she couldn’t help thinking the dress would look perfect with her red shoes.
There was a discreet tap on the door, followed by, “Do you need some help?” from the saleswoman.
“Uh, no, I’m fine,” Sydney said. She took a deep breath. Oh, well. She might as well get it over with. She opened the door and stepped outside.
John’s gaze swept over her.
Sydney smoothed the dress down self-consciously.
“Walk over here,” he said, and the look in his eyes made Sydney feel exactly the way she did when he touched her. She walked slowly toward him.
“Now turn around,” he said softly.
She pirouetted slowly. When she was again facing him, she almost shivered at the way he was looking at her.
“It’s perfect,” he said, smiling. “And when you wear it with those red shoes of yours . . . “
“John, I don’t think—”
“Don’t you think it’s perfect?” he asked the saleswoman.
“Oh, absolutely,” she agreed.
Well, of course she’d agree, Sydney thought. Phoebe wanted to make the sale. One look at the price tag had told Sydney that. She started to protest again, but John ignored her.
“We’ll take it,” he said, handing his credit card to the saleswoman.
“Excellent choice. Now what about jewelry to go with it. I have some special earrings—”
“I don’t need earrings,” Sydney said. She drew the line at earrings.
“Let’s not push our luck,” John said, laughing, and the saleswoman gave a flirty little laugh in return.
Sydney frowned and returned to the dressing room. She looked at herself in the three-way mirror again. She thought about the expression in John’s eyes. And for some reason, she was again reminded of all the Christmases when her sisters had gotten piles of frilly, feminine clothes and she’d gotten golf clubs and hunting rifles. She smoothed her hands over her rib cage and hips.
Then she smiled and carefully removed the dress. They finally left the mall and drove to John’s house. After he’d unloaded all of his purchases, checked his messages and called his children, he suggested they eat there. “I’ll cook you dinner.”
“Oh, John, it’s too much trouble. You weren’t planning to feed me. Let’s just go out,” Sydney said.
“It’s no trouble. I like to cook.”
Sydney marveled when she saw his freezer. He took out frozen asparagus and chicken breasts and a loaf of French bread. Sydney sat on a high stool and watched as he prepared the food. He was obviously one of those people who never measured anything. He chopped and trimmed and seasoned, all with a casual confidence that amazed Sydney.
About an hour after he’d started, they sat down to dinner. Besides the chicken, which he’d made with a mushroom-wine sauce, and asparagus, there was a saffron-flavored rice and the crusty bread, and John had opened a chilled bottle of a delicious Pinot Grigio to go along with their meal.
Sydney thought that even if she’d planned for a week, she wouldn’t have been able to cook anything that tasted half as good. He was beginning to make her feel just as inadequate as her sisters did.
Why was it other people seemed to have so many talents, and she had so few?
As they neared the end of their meal, Sydney wondered if he’d want to spend the night at his house. She didn’t think she wanted to. There were too many reminders of Andrea here.
He didn’t suggest it, so they went back to Sydney’s, and she was glad.
On Saturday, John suggested they go to the Arboretum to walk. “You don’t get enough fresh air and exercise,” he said.
Sydney thought how if anyone else had said that to her, she would have taken it as a criticism. With John, though, she didn’t mind. She knew he was right.
After their long walk, John took her to Pappadeaux’s for lunch, where they stuffed themselves on crawfish. During the afternoon, they went to a movie, something Sydney hadn’t done in years. In fact, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d spent a Saturday at the movies. She felt lazy and decadent.
They ate popcorn and held hands.
It was wonderful.
That night, John built a fire in Sydney’s fireplace, and they spent the evening snuggled together on the couch. Later, they spread a quilt on the floor and made love in front of the fire. Still later, they sent out for a pizza.
“I can’t believe I’m hungry again,” Sydney said as she helped herself to her third piece.
“Sex makes you hungry,” John said.
“Is that the collective ‘you’ or me in particular?”
He grinned. “I’m not sure. Do you want to help me conduct more research on the subject?”
On Sunday they slept late, then went out for brunch. Afterward, John asked Sydney if she wanted to go with him to pick up the kids at the airport. “I think it’s time you get to know them,” he said.
Pleasure mixed with uneasiness welled up in
Sydney’s chest. She knew she was good with kids. Even her sisters’ kids seemed to like her a lot, but maybe John’s children wouldn’t. Maybe they wouldn’t like it that she and John were seeing each other.
And what would John do if they resented her? Sydney had no illusions about John’s priorities. He’d told her often enough that his children came first with him. It was another of the things she loved most about him. His children should come first.
Riddled by doubts and feeling more insecure by the moment, she rode out to the airport with him. As they waited at the gate, she almost laughed at herself. Here she was, a woman who could face an entire courtroom with confidence, and now the prospect of facing two small children had her tied up in knots.
The deplaning passengers began filtering through the jetway.
“Here they come,” John said. He grinned as first Jeffrey, then Emily, popped into view.
“Dad!” Jeffrey shouted, running the last few yards, then launching himself at John.
“Whoa,” John said, but he laughed and lifted Jeffrey for a quick hug.
A more sedate Emily approached at a slower pace. She eyed Sydney curiously, then turned to smile at her father, who gathered her into his arms.
“I want you to meet a friend of mine,” John said after they’d hugged. He smiled at Sydney. “This is Sydney. Sydney, Emily and Jeffrey.”
“Hi,” Jeffrey said, his green eyes friendly.
“Sydney’s kind of a funny name, isn’t it?” Emily said, her hazel eyes more assessing.
“Emily!” John said.
“Well, it is, ” Emily said.
Sydney smiled. “You’re right, Emily. I’ve always wished I had a different name.”
“Yeah, me, too,” Jeffrey said.
Emily rolled her eyes. “Oh, Jeffrey, you do not.”
“Do, too!” He stuck his tongue out at his sister.
“Do not.” Emily gave Sydney a look of exasperation, and Sydney bit back a grin.
“Let’s go get your suitcases,” John said. His gaze met Sydney’s over the heads of the children, who were still saying, “Do, too,” and “Do not,” and racing ahead of them. Now she did grin, and after a second, he grinned back.
Sydney felt as if she’d just passed her first test.
Chapter Eleven
The month between Thanksgiving and Christmas was one of the busiest months John’s agency had ever had. John and his sister worked long hours, which was a mixed blessing for Sydney. She didn’t get to see him as often as she would have liked, yet his heavy workload and his responsibilities as a father gave her much-needed catch-up time at work.
She’d neglected her work terribly since meeting John, and she knew she couldn’t continue to do so. The end of the year was always a busy time for her firm, anyway, and this year was no exception.
Even though she would have liked to spend more time with John, the time she did spend with him was some of the happiest in her life. Sometimes she wondered if this was because John made each outing so special or if it was simply the fact that Sydney loved being with him, no matter what they were doing.
One Saturday, he made good on his earlier promise and invited her to accompany him and his children to the zoo. The day turned out to be wonderful. She wasn’t sure what thrilled her more—the growing feeling of closeness with John or the easy camaraderie between her and his children.
She also had more fun than she’d have ever imagined possible. It was amazing to her that eating hot dogs and watching the antics of monkeys could be so exciting and special, but it was.
When the day ended, she knew she would remember it forever.
Another Saturday afternoon, they went to the Galleria, and all four of them skated at the indoor ice skating rink. Sydney only fell once, which she considered pretty remarkable considering she hadn’t been on ice skates since she was twelve.
Emily and Jeffrey whizzed around the rink like old pros, and Sydney could see that they had skated often.
“Andrea was a pretty good skater,” John admitted when Sydney asked him about the children’s prowess. “In fact, when she was younger, she skated competitively.”
Sydney noticed that John’s eyes no longer got that bleak look when he mentioned his wife’s name, and his matter-of-fact answer pleased her even as she wondered if she would ever be able to measure up to the multitalented Andrea.
But then John took her hand and said, “Come on, let’s go. You’ve rested long enough,” and they were off and onto the ice and laughing, and soon Sydney forgot all about her insecurities and Andrea’s accomplishments.
After skating, they ate at a Chinese restaurant inside the mall, and Sydney marveled at how sophisticated his children were when it came to ordering.
“We took them out to eat as soon as they could sit in a high chair,” John explained. A funny kind of expression slid across his face. “Neither one of us had much time to cook.”
That was the first time he had ever uttered a word that could be construed as a criticism of his dead wife, and Sydney would have liked to question him further, but the presence of the children stopped her.
The following Sunday, Sydney and John took the children to see The Nutcracker, and although Jeffrey fidgeted through the performance, Emily loved the ballet, and so did Sydney.
Afterward, Emily said, “When I grow up, I’m going to be a ballet dancer.” She pirouetted on the sidewalk in front of them.
“I thought you were going to be an astronaut,” John said.
“I changed my mind,” Emily said. “It’s a woman’s per-rogative to change her mind. Miss Traylor said so.”
“I think the word is prerogative,” John said. He grinned at Sydney over Emily’s head.
Sydney bit her bottom lip to keep from laughing.
“You’re dumb, Emily,” Jeffrey pronounced. “Girls are dumb, aren’t they, Dad?”
“I don’t think I’ll answer that one, son,” John said. He winked at Sydney, and now Sydney did laugh.
She laughed a lot when she was with John and his children, and it felt good.
Another weekend, John invited Sydney to go to church with him and the children, and afterward they went to Sunday brunch at Brennan’s.
“I love this place,” Emily declared, preening as their waiter fussed over her.
“I don’t,” Jeffrey said, pulling at his tie. “Don’t they have hamburgers?”
Sydney grinned.
John kicked her under the table. “Quit laughing,” he warned.
Only one element kept that month from being perfect, and that was the difficulty of finding any private time together. With children the ages of Emily and Jeffrey, John always needed a sitter if he and Sydney were to be alone. This meant they rarely went out, preferring to spend their precious time alone at Sydney’s condo.
Sydney knew John was as frustrated as she was by this problem. She also knew that sooner or later she and John were going to have to talk about their situation. Several times, she wanted to bring up the topic, but at the last minute, she always lost her nerve. It was John’s place to introduce the subject, she felt, and since he didn’t, she was reluctant to do so. Besides, what would she say?
Let’s move in together?
She almost laughed at the thought. John would never, not in a million years, consider doing anything even remotely like that. What then? she wondered. Would she have to be contented with the status quo?
Or... ?
Her mind refused to go to the next step. Because the next step would either be to say goodbye to John permanently or to marry him.
She couldn’t bear to think of saying goodbye, and John had certainly never indicated any interest in marrying her. And even if he wanted to, could it ever work?
Because there seemed to be no answer to their dilemma, Sydney tried to just enjoy the moment and not worry about the future. And when she did occasionally allow herself to think ahead, she always got depressed. Then she’d get mad at herself.
Why are you alwa
ys wanting more? John loves you. He tells you so. Often.
That had to be enough for now.
* * *
John knew he couldn’t coast along like this forever. All through the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas, he tried not to think about the future. Yet he knew he could not put it off indefinitely. Very soon he was going to have to decide what to do about Sydney.
He had never expected to fall in love with her.
Yet he had.
And she loved him, too.
But being with her a couple of times a week wasn’t enough. He wanted more.
A lot more.
He wanted to have Sydney in his bed at night and wake up next to her in the morning. He wanted her to be there at the end of the day, every day. He was tired of trying to find a sitter so that he and Sydney could be alone.
He began to give the matter serious thought.
There had to be a solution.
* * *
Sydney was more excited about Christmas this year than she had been in a long time. She knew John was the reason. She had invited him and the children to have Christmas Day dinner with her and her family, and he had accepted. In turn, he had asked her to spend Christmas Eve with him and his family. She had also accepted, although she was nervous about it.
She knew Janet was an adversary. Sydney had briefly been in Janet’s company several times since that first encounter in John’s office. Janet was always polite, but there was no warmth in her eyes, no real effort to go beyond the surface pleasantries.
Sydney wondered what she could do to win Janet over. Of course, if this relationship with John was only temporary—as Sydney kept reminding herself—it didn’t really matter what Janet thought of her.
Yet deep down, in a hidden corner of Sydney’s heart, she couldn’t banish a tiny spark of hope.
Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance for her and John to build something more permanent. She felt encouraged by the fact that he had included her in outings with his children and that she got along well with both of them.