While using these signs to catch a liar takes extensive training and practice, it’s no longer only for authorities like Newberry. Now you can become good at identifying dishonesty, and it’s not as hard as you might think. Here are 10 tips.
LOOK FOR INCONSISTENCIES
Listen for inconsistencies in what people are saying. This means you have to really hear their message. Newberry was questioning a woman who said she ran and hid after hearing gunshots—without looking—and Newberry saw the inconsistency immediately.
“There was something that just didn’t fit,” says Newberry. “She heard gunshots, but she didn’t look? I knew that was inconsistent with how a person would respond to a situation like that.” So, when she wasn’t paying attention, he banged on the table. She looked right at him. “When a person hears a noise, it’s a natural reaction to look toward it,” Newberry said. “I knew she heard those gunshots, looked in the direction from which they came, saw the shooter, and then ran.” Sure enough, he was right.
He knew her story was illogical. You need to look for inconsistencies if you think someone is not being truthful. Is there anything that just doesn’t fit? The key here is to pay attention to what they are saying rather than trying to figure out what you will say next. (More on listening in Chapter 11, “Listen Up!”)
ASK THE UNEXPECTED
Did you know that approximately 4 percent of people are accomplished liars? To catch them, you have to be more clever than they are. What would be great is to have a lie-o-meter or a Pinocchio-reader ring. Since neither of these is available, you have to use your questioning and observational skills.
Use your eyes and watch them carefully. When they least expect it, shift the conversation with a question they do not anticipate and listen for their response. Have you tripped them up? Are they stammering? Do they lose eye contact? Watch their body language, and if they start to lean or step back, this can be a good indicator. Excessive eye blinking is also a sign. (But beware—they may just be nervous.) If you do detect a combination of these peculiarities, you may have caught them in a lie!
DOES THEIR BEHAVIOR CHANGE?
When you know someone, be alert for changes in behavior. If someone who is generally calm all of a sudden becomes fidgety, this is a red flag that sends you a message of behavioral change. Or perhaps someone who usually is very quick-paced and talks at a rapid rate suddenly appears to be moving more slowly and their speech pattern slows down.
“One of the most important indicators of dishonesty is changes in behavior,” says Maureen O’Sullivan, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of San Francisco. “You want to pay attention to someone who is generally anxious but now looks calm, or someone who is generally calm but now looks anxious.”
The trick is to gauge their behavior against a baseline. Is their behavior deviating from how they would normally act? If it is, that could mean something is up.
LOOK FOR INSINCERE EMOTIONS
Have you ever faked a smile? Of course you have! Most people can’t fake a smile convincingly. You have detected a fake smile when the timing was wrong, the smile was held too long, or it was incongruent with the situation. O’Sullivan says, “Maybe it will be a combination of an angry face with a smile; you can tell because their lips are smaller and less full than in a sincere smile.” These fake emotions are a good indicator that something has gone amiss.
PAY ATTENTION TO GUT REACTIONS
Your gut reaction is a result of all the experiences you have had. This includes the good, the bad, and the ugly. When you hear those voices in your head warning, “Beware!,” listen to them. Events and people in your past have done or said something memorable that became a frame of reference for you. When all these frames become a reel of film, they speak in the form of gut reaction or intuition.
Beatrice was an excellent caregiver, and Jeff’s mom, Sophia, always looked forward to her scheduled time. Christmas Eve was traditionally a family event with neighbors dropping into Sophia’s home to savor homemade cookies and champagne. Beatrice surprised Jeff by staying past her scheduled time. Her behavior was also a shock, as she imbibed too much and became quite different. She apologized the next day, and Jeff let it pass. However, his gut told him to beware.
Jeff started paying closer attention to Beatrice’s behavior. About two months later, he was notified that she had lied and had not taken care of Mom for an entire day—leaving Sophia alone! The service that employed Beatrice was very apologetic and asked Jeff what he wanted to do. Their recommendation was to terminate her. Although difficult to do, Jeff knew firing her was appropriate.
While you might not know what it is you’re seeing when you think someone isn’t being honest and you might attribute it to suspicion or instinct, a scientist would be able to pinpoint it exactly, which leads us to the next tip.
WATCH FOR MICROEXPRESSIONS
When you have a gut feeling, Paul Ekman, PhD, a renowned expert in lie detection, sees microexpressions. “A microexpression is a very brief expression, usually about a 25th of a second, that is always a concealed emotion,” says Ekman.
When someone is acting happy but in actuality is upset about something, the true emotion is revealed in a flash on the face.
Whether the concealed emotion is fear, anger, happiness, or jealousy, that feeling will appear on the face and be gone in the blink of an eye. The trick is for you to see it on other people.
“Almost everyone—99 percent of those we’ve tested in about 10,000 people—won’t see the microexpressions,” says Ekman. “But it can be taught.”
In fact, in less than an hour, the average person can learn to see microexpressions. Develop this skill and you will have a powerful tool for interacting with others. Google Microexpressions for more information.
LOOK FOR CONTRADICTIONS
Do their words match their facial expressions and their postures?
Paying attention will help you to identify contradictions and incongruities. Watch and listen carefully to a Toxic Person.
Your tendency is to play the mental terrorism game and think about all the ways you are going to get back at them.
Sometimes when people are falsely saying, “Yes, she’s the one who lied,” they will, without knowing it, make a slight head shake “no.” That subtle gesture contradicts what they’re saying in words.
These contradictions, explains Ekman, can be between the voice and the words, the gesture and the voice, the gesture and the words, or the facial expression and the words. When you see a contradiction, watch out. Something isn’t quite adding up. They could be lying.
NOTICE A SENSE OF UNEASE
You can see untruthful people beginning to squirm. Watch their breathing. Are their shoulders moving up and down more than usual? If so, they are breathing shallowly, probably because of nervousness. Licking the lips too much, fidgeting, sweating, shifting from foot to foot, all can be signs of anxiety and uneasiness. You have to pay attention to the other person, not yourself!
Listen for vocal interjections. Too many “um’s,” “uh’s,” or “you know’s” can be indicators that they are searching for more words to cover up their lies.
BEWARE OF TOO MUCH DETAIL
You have heard children include extra detail to cover their tracks and lies. Adults also do this when lying, but they are much more clever about it. Wordiness may be a behavioral and vocal trait, though, so beware of jumping to conclusions. In most cases, however, it is not and is used when people want to fill the airspace for their own reasons. Too much detail could mean they’ve put a lot of thought into how they’re going to get out of a situation and they’ve constructed a complicated lie as a solution.
DON’T IGNORE THE TRUTH
When the environment is toxic, you must be aware of when someone is telling the truth. Experience and the negative frames of reference can begin to jaundice you into thinking there is no truth.
While it sounds contradictory, finding the truth buried under a lie can sometimes help r
eveal the answer to an important question: Why is a person lying?
These 10 truth tips all help detect deception. What they don’t do is tell you why a person is lying and what the lie means.
This is where your experience and training in human behavior will help you understand if emotions are concealed. When you think someone is lying, you have to either know the person well enough to understand why they might lie, or be a people expert.
Learn to speed-read people, their expressions, and their approaches.
Make it more about them and less about you. I believe that in today’s society most people are so focused on themselves that they don’t function well in any situation, especially difficult ones.
Extra Tip: Be Trusting
The dictionary defines trust as confidence in and reliance on good qualities, especially fairness, truth, honor, or ability.
Is this you 100 percent of the time? We have the responsibility to take good care of ourselves and others. In general, we have a choice about which stance we take in life. Choose suspicion, and life is not going to be particularly pleasant, but we won’t be misled very often. If we take a trusting stance, life is going to be a lot more pleasant, but sometimes we are going to be taken in.
My mom took the suspicion route and my dad took the trusting stance.
I remember that I couldn’t play with Dougie, our next-door neighbor, because my mom said Dougie had “sneaky eyes.” So of course I started looking for sneaky-eyed people. The good news was that my dad’s approach was to trust everyone unless they “did you wrong.” Dad always said, “Lie to me once, shame on you. Lie to me twice, shame on me.”
So at least I was raised with a little balance.
How about you? What were the lessons you learned about trust? How do you apply them in your life? How do you apply them in toxic situations?
A business colleague sent me this example. In the real world, trust is the cornerstone of a successful long-term business relationship.
Clive, one of my vendors, began talking directly to one of my long-term customers, a woman named Jamie. I was quite surprised, because he had never before circumvented our company and approached our clients directly. I had already suggested some of his products to Jamie.
Clive made promises to her that I knew could not be kept and gave Jamie bad information about our pricing. He took her business from us and dealt with her directly.
Due to Clive’s lies, I lost a great client, and I really thought there was no way to win her back. I didn’t want to look like a weak link or come off like sour grapes. So, I studied various approaches and found a very useful communication model that I used.
Here’s how I decided to approach Jamie. I said, “I am honored to be part of your supply chain. We have both enjoyed a great working relationship. My concern is that you have accurate data that allows you to make decisions with information that is correct.”
I continued, “Clive gave you some background information about my business and company practices that I would like to correct. Do you want me to share those details with you now, or should we invite Clive to join us so you can hear the entire story?”
My goal was to open Jamie’s mind, voice my concern, and provide correct information. The statement of the problem was brief, and I offered Jamie two choices. She was able to choose and felt ownership in the situation. We did win her business back!
Toxic People abound in today’s business environment and provide that hair in your biscuit. Your challenge is to dump old approaches and create new skills that will effectively help you succeed. Evaluating each situation and being comfortable with your approach to move forward will make every situation easier to handle.
Chapter 2 - Doesn't Work Well With Others
You can no longer avoid responsibility for your conflicts, bad relationships, or how people treat you. I know you are confronted with injustices that you cannot change. Favoritism, privileges not deserved, and stupid people who tick you off permeate your work environment. If you believe the universe should give you a fair break, say “Amen!”
If you don’t work well with others, these six rules can help you change. If you work with people who don’t work well with you, these will help you stay sane.
Don’t Try to Change People
The only person you can change is yourself. Constantly review and polish the skills you know work. If you don’t have the skills, attend a seminar, read a book, download information to your iPod, or do something else that will help you acquire them. Visit my web site at www.MarshaPetrieSue.com, where you will find tons of information to help you be better at managing your problems.
Lori hired Geoff on the recommendation of a friend. Geoff was likable and well received by the sales group and by the clients. The only issue that Lori was warned about was his challenge with time management.
After just one month, the complaints from clients and the administration began to flood in about his missed appointments, improperly completed contracts, unreturned phone calls, and more. Geoff admitted to his problem and promised to improve.
His second month was not much better, so Lori decided to send him to a time management class. Geoff was thrilled that she was helping him with this ongoing problem. The class provided excellent resources and ideas, including individual coaching from the trainer for six months. The first week after the class was fabulous, and Lori congratulated him on improving his paperwork flow and general follow-up.
Halfway into the following week, Geoff fell off the wagon and went back to his old habits. Lori warned him that he had one month to resolve these issues or he would be released from employment. Lori was grateful that the human resources department had set up a six-month trial employment period so any new hire who didn’t work out could be released.
And that is what Lori had to do. Geoff was not surprised at all and said, “Oh, well. It’s just too difficult to change. I don’t want to work that hard.”
Quit Knee-Jerking
Notice that knee-jerking contains the word jerk? In my opinion, if you are knee-jerking, you’re the jerk and you will get jerky outcomes! You have to learn the difference between responding to Toxic People and reacting to them. Responding is learned, and reacting is knee-jerk. Choosing to react contaminates situations, and conflict is the result. Do you want to give your control and power to other people? When you use an inappropriate approach, you are reacting without thinking; your mission will be accomplished, but it won’t be a positive one. Remember that reacting without thinking is when you are hijacked by mental terrorism.
Responding is taking the communication and mental tools you know and applying them to a situation. My father said to me, “Put your mind in gear before running off at the mouth.” It’s too bad it took me so long to learn how to do it. How about you? Do you always have your mind in gear, or do you knee-jerk?
Control Ugly Outcomes
Okay—someone ticks you off. You can either knee-jerk or use a more mature approach of digging deeper and finding out where they are coming from. Choose to knee-jerk and you will have anger, conflict, and problems. Choose maturity and skill, and you will manage the Toxic Person and situation effectively. Just try it.
No excuses.
IN YOUR FACE
Faye’s boss approached her again with his finger pointed in her face, screaming, “And if you can’t do it, I’ll find someone who can!” She jumped to his commands, worked too many hours, and never seemed to satisfy his expectations. Faye had to face the fact that her boss was a Toxic Person. When she began asking him to define the outcomes he expected, he became louder and crazier. Her stomach hurt, and she had terrible headaches and couldn’t sleep.
So, Faye made a decision. She evaluated her talents, revised her resume, and put the word out that she was interested in a change. Faye networked diligently. She had a mini makeover and updated her business look. A Fortune 100 company heard through the grapevine that she was looking. After a series of interviews, she was hired. She never once said
that she had worked for a Toxic Person. She focused on what she really wanted: to be able to use her talents to help a company become even more successful and to be appreciated for her contributions.
Her strategic efforts got her the job of her dreams. In her new position her health improved, because her toxic work situation was what had been making her sick.
Faye’s friend Mark was in a similar position. He had less geographical flexibility and didn’t want to move, so he networked within his company and nearby. Before long, another department hired Mark because he was able to package and market himself in a positive way.
Both Faye and Mark took charge of their situations and used their skills to move forward.
Dump the “Yabit Habit”
How do you feel when you make a comment or suggestion to someone and they say, “Yes, but . . .”? These two words discount everything previously said, and conflict can occur. Start listening for these words, because they are commonly used by Toxic People.
“Yes, but . . .” “Yeah, but . . .” “Yah, but . . .” “Ya, but . . .” “Ya, bit . . .” “Yabit . . .”
Enter the Yabit Habit. Replace “Yes, but . . .” with “However” or “And.” “Yes, but . . .” negates what the other person has said and can jump-start toxicity in them and for the relationship. “Yes, but . . .” said repeatedly leads to the Yabit Habit.
I HATE MY JOB
Bob would wake up in the morning with the voice in his head saying,
“I hate my job.” He had been with the same company for many years and was just holding out for retirement. He hated his responsibilities, his boss was a toad, and his team was too gung ho. His teammates would reproach him for not carrying his load, and he would say, “Yes, but I’ve been here for 27 years and it is time for me to relax.” The team would try to reason with him about his lack of effort and he would Yabit them: “Yes, but I’ve worked my tail off, and the company should let me slide for the next couple of years.”
Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape Page 2