BE OPTIMISTIC
Fear is selfish—yes, selfish, because it turns you inward. When you take responsibility for your outcomes in a positive fashion with your work groups, your friends, and even total strangers, it forces you to turn outward. Example: Michael J. Fox was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, but rather than surrender to the fear that accompanies the diagnosis of a progressive neurological illness, he used his celebrity stature to become a leader in the efforts to find a cure for Parkinson’s. Would you be able to do this? If you question your ability to turn toxic situations into more positive outcomes, you need to improve the belief you have in your talents and skills.
Vern continued, “I am in control here. I’ve got to interrupt this stupid negative thinking. I’m a smart guy and can handle this if I just stay in control and not let my fear take over. I know I can turn this trepidation into energy and be really good at relaying my information to the team!”
DEVELOP TRUE BELIEF IN YOURSELF
You are the big kahuna. You are as good as it gets. Understand who you have become and strictly live by your core values. Be assertive and always stand up for your rights while not violating the rights of others. Self-awareness and confidence allow a realistic view of the current events and will help you evaluate your fears more objectively.
Practicing decontamination strategies in his personal life reinforced Vern’s capability to handle ugly situations. When faced with toxic spills, he knew this was the world’s way of testing what he was learning.
When the outcomes were not exactly what he planned, he evaluated the situation by asking himself, realistically, what he did well, and always finished up with what he should work on next time to get a better result.
DO SOMETHING
Fear can immobilize you. Forcing yourself to do something—anything—can change the focus and free you from fear. Learn, read, take a class—just do it. Knowing that you have the skill and information to proceed can erase the fear. When soldiers are asked whether they’re frightened in battle, they often answer that they’re not afraid while the fighting goes on, but they are while waiting for the fighting to begin. The mental process of failure can be terrifying.
Vern knew one of his weak areas was matching body language and energy level. Focusing on something this simple helped him manage toxic spills. He read that a very subtle way to manage anger or a people problem is to match body language and energy using a technique called mirroring. He started training himself to watch the way people enter a room, how they interact in a group setting, their choice of words, and how they solve problems. Mirroring others’ behavior gave him the strength and training to evaluate every situation.
REMIND YOURSELF THAT FEAR HOLDS YOU BACK
You are in control, but you will become what you think about. Fear makes you reluctant to approach difficult people, so you remain in negative, toxic environments. You become a victim of circumstance. If you are afraid to explore the world and afraid to live (and I mean fully live), there is a ripple effect that extends to others.
When you reveal your fears to your children, you raise kids who are fearful themselves!
Vern knew his biggest problem was developing consistency when using his new skills. He would not let fear keep him from developing the uniformity he needed.
Face Down Fear!
Think about where Vern was coming from and ask yourself if you relate. I don’t care how sophisticated and practiced your skills are; there are times when you are fearful. If you don’t see this in yourself, you have become one of the six types of Toxic People! Your capability to clean up the toxic spills will be limited.
A fearful mind concocts trepidation all by itself! Remembering past negative outcomes creates the trepidation you feel in a new situation. When this happens, most people either withdraw or get angry with themselves because they don’t feel capable. This means your anger is self-induced. Other people and events don’t make you angry; it’s the way you evaluate and internalize them. You get ticked off because you are out of control. And it’s not anyone’s fault but yours.
Here is a 10-step plan for dealing with toxic behavior.
1. Identify the Toxic Person’s behavior.
Review the six types of Toxic People and determine with whom you are dealing. Reread Chapters 3 through 8.
What is the incentive for this type of behavior?
Do they change from one type to the next? If so, expand your planning to include the different toxic types.
2. Understand the outcome you want with the relationship.
Do you need to resolve the issue and move forward with this Toxic Person?
Is it better to sever the relationship completely?
Should you set up definitive parameters on how the relationship will proceed?
3. Decide how you want to be perceived by the Toxic Person.
Do you want this person to respect you as a team member?
Are there other people concerned about your relationship, like your leader? What is their desire?
Do you even care what the Toxic Person thinks of you? (Don’t be cavalier; really think about the importance of this question!)
4. Plan your response to your Toxic Person.
List your options using this book and other resources to expand your thinking.
Understand the payoff for someone choosing this behavior.
Be accountable for what you are going to say.
Have different approaches so you can be flexible as the conversation develops.
5. Practice your approach.
What will you say to yourself to stay on target with your plan?
How will you check your own anger or anxiety during the approach?
If you want to ensure your success, practice by recording yourself.
Listen to the recording and decide how you would respond to the tone, words, and delivery.
6. Choose the appropriate time and environment.
Look at the Toxic Person’s energy level at different times of day. Some people are better communicators and more tuned in first thing in the morning than later in the day.
Is it better to meet in their office, yours, or a neutral place?
Decide how the room should be arranged. My preference is to be on their strong side (i.e., their right side if they are right-handed).
If there are windows in the room, where do you want the light source? My preference, being a power junkie, is to have the light at my back, but not too bright.
Will you wear power clothes?
7. Follow up with the person if appropriate.
If this is someone you need to have a continuing relationship with, decide how and when you will follow up with them after your conversation.
Don’t hide from Toxic People. This can deepen the problems you have with them.
Don’t gossip with anyone about your interaction.
If appropriate, share the results of your meeting with your leader.
8. Evaluate the meeting by yourself.
Did you achieve the outcome you planned for?
Is your Toxic Person okay with the results?
Did your planning pay off?
What did you do well? You can be proud of yourself, because most people just let toxicity permeate relationships!
9. Determine what you can improve the next time you encounter this kind of Toxic Person.
What did you learn that you can apply next time?
Make a note of your discovery in a journal to build your knowledge.
If the situation with your Toxic Person reaches an approachable point, ask what their initial thought was when you approached and spoke to them.
10. Give yourself a pat on the back!
Congratulations! You deserve it! Continue to refer to this list every time you have to manage a toxic situation, and do this until all the habits become second nature. If you just use these ideas two or three times, they cannot really become ingrained into your head, and you will soon fall back into your old habits. R
emember that rehearsal and practice give you the outcomes you want from any toxic spill!
Send a message to [email protected] if you would like to receive the Planning Worksheet.
Planning Worksheet
1. Identify the Toxic Person’s behavior.
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2. Understand the outcome you want with the relationship.
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3. Decide how you want to be perceived by the person.
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4. Plan your response to your Toxic Person.
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5. Practice your approach.
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6. Choose the appropriate time and environment.
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7. Follow up with the person if appropriate.
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8. Evaluate the meeting by yourself.
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9. Determine what you can do to improve the next time you encounter this kind of Toxic Person.
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10. Give yourself a pat on the back!
HOW THE PLANNING WORKSHEET COULD LOOK
SITUATION
Ray works with you, but his only topic of discussion is himself. He is a pain to listen to because the conversation is based on his problems, financial woes, a wife who doesn’t understand, his aches and pains, and how no one cares about him.
You have your own personal problems and choose not to discuss them. You have to listen to Ray’s issues an hour at a time, and it is driving you crazy. You choose to take action.
Digging through the notes you made while reading this book, you finally locate your planning sheet. (Remember, we will e-mail a copy of the Planning Worksheet for your use if you contact [email protected].)
Planning Worksheet
1. Identify the Toxic Person’s behavior.
Because of his constant complaining, Ray is classified as a Whine and Cheeser. He also shows signs of being a Needy Weenie because of his constant need to be listened to. He never takes personal accountability for anything. He is good at following directions but complains the entire time he is working on a project.
2. Understand the outcome you want with the relationship.
In a perfect world, Ray would keep his problems to himself and focus on conversations based on work and projects. This would help us build an environment that is productive and way more fun. It would be great if he took personal responsibility for his life. I really think this would make him an enjoyable part of the team.
3. Decide how you want to be perceived by the person.
Since I have to work with Ray, I want to be seen as helping and not pointing fingers or being a manipulator. It would be great if he would see me as helping him to develop better skills to move forward with a more successful relationship with his work group and ultimately his own life.
4. Plan your response to your Toxic Person.
I’ve decided not to listen to his negativity. I’ll be protective of my time and will say, “I really have a lot on my plate right now, and have got to get to my desk” (or whatever it is I’m working on). If he is ranting on and on about how awful something is, I’ll say, “That’s not the way I see it, because I’ve found that the company does work in my best interest.” Or, if his rant is about a person, I’ll say something like, “My experience with him/her is completely different. I’ve got to get back to work right now.”
5. Practice your approach.
I vow to myself that I will practice at least three times, without interruption, to become comfortable with my approach and words. I will not fold when I am actually in front of my Toxic Person and will keep my attitude positive. This is really about me building the strength, because I realize I will NEVER change others. I can only change myself, and it is my responsibility to do so.
6. Choose the appropriate time and environment.
I will be aware of when I feel trapped into listening to the endless complaints. I know that I don’t have to! Refusing to reward Ray’s behavior by becoming his audience will be the basis of my response. My suffering in silence actually gives Ray the belief I am interested.
7. Follow up with the person if appropriate.
I do have to work with Ray, as we are on the same project team. I plan to approach him (rather than always avoiding him) with positive results of something I have done or th
at happened (even if I have to dig deep for something good!). I will start by saying, “I just have a second, and wanted to let you know the project really took a positive step forward.” I will turn quickly and walk away, not waiting for his response.
8. Evaluate the meeting by yourself.
I am very proud of myself for taking the first step to not being sucked into Ray’s Whine and Cheeser attitude. The results are not exactly what I wanted. I am closer to having the skill, though, and Ray seems to be leaving me alone a little more. I need to watch my words and approach, because I see that I can easily fall into some old bad habits.
9. Determine what you can do to improve the next time you encounter this kind of Toxic Person.
I think practicing one or two more times will help with my next encounter. The words I wanted to use didn’t flow the way I had hoped. I did have some positive results. Checking my own attitude and ensuring I am in the optimistic flow with the outcome I want will help. Even one of my colleagues said, “Boy, Ray seems to be leaving you alone a little. What’s up?” Yeah! It is being noticed!!
10. Give yourself a pat on the back!
Just remember practice really does make perfect. Changing approaches and habits is not easy. There is no magic wand, magic fairy dust, or a pill you can take to ease the pain of a Toxic Person.
You are the one who must decide to continue the journey to decontaminating Toxic People.
While getting ready to depart on a flight to Atlanta from Phoenix, the pilot announced that we had an engine leak and the mechanics needed to check it before we took off. The young woman sitting behind me started screaming, “I’m going to die! I don’t want to die in an airplane wreck. Oh, my God! What am I going to do?” She proceeded to make phone calls and said the same thing repeatedly. Her friend just sat there looking at her. Drama Queen was more than annoying.
Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape Page 7