Formula for handling people:
(1) Listen to the other person’s story.
(2) Listen to the other person’s full story.
(3) Listen to the other person’s full story first.
—General George C. Marshall, American
military leader during World War II
LEVEL I—TUNED IN
Joshua was always amazed at how Neil was on the leading edge of every conversation, especially if there was a problem or conflict. Neil quickly responded with thoughtful comments and turned even the most contentious situation into agreement.
Somehow Neil easily gained the buy-in of the group and even customers. Baffled, Joshua asked Neil how he managed to consistently get the results he wanted. Neil replied, “I learned early in my career that listening was an area of communication that I control directly. What amazes me is that more people don’t get it!” Tough, though, he thought. I can only change me.
Neil was a Level I listener—he was purposely tuned in to the speaker. You can do this and effectively use your skills to decontaminate the toxicity of any situation. Paying attention emotionally and logically means listening between the lines. Use this stage of listening in every situation. Level I listening gives you the information you need to decide how much energy you want to put into the conversation.
In Level I listening:
You refrain from judging the talker or the message.
You keep an open mind so you can see the other’s position.
You stay in the moment so you can acknowledge and respond.
You practice keeping body language open.
You listen from the heart and are considerate.
Your paying attention sends the right message.
When conflict is apparent, Level I listening is critical. Collaboration, understanding, and wisdom are enhanced. Problems are solved, creativity expands, and time is saved. After learning of all its benefits, the real question is, “Why don’t people always listen at Level I?”
Be different—if you don’t have the facts and knowledge required, simply listen. When word gets out that you can listen when others tend to talk, you will be treated as a sage.
—Edward Koch, U.S. politician
THREE LISTENERS
Amy sat in the front row of the lecture hall. She was interested in the topic, Gender Differences in the Workplace. Fred, the speaker, was given an introduction that was impressive. As he began, his initial example included the statement “Women take care and men take charge.”
After he used the term “he” in several sentences when Amy thought he should have said “he or she,” Amy turned off and dismissed Fred and his remarks on the topic. She remained in her seat, mentally fuming and with a closed mind, not hearing anything else that was said.
Turning off your listening because of a few words that don’t fit your likability index can create conflict and problems. Amy was tuned out and listened at Level III.
Sitting next to Amy was Gerry, who was told by his boss that attending this session on Gender Differences in the Workplace was mandatory.
He was upset before he even sat down. Gerry knew he had to report back to his boss, so he took enough notes to get the salient points of the presentation. Fred, the speaker, was thrilled that someone was taking notes and misinterpreted what he saw as total acceptance of his ideas.
Gerry did report back to his team and boss; however, he did not apply one idea and therefore continued having issues with his work team and other colleagues. Gerry was skimming and listening at Level II.
Bill also was in attendance. As an employee of a very culturally diverse company, he decided to really listen and pay attention to Fred’s delivery of Gender Differences in the Workplace. He was having difficulty relating to women, both at work and at home, because they sometimes seemed too emotional and took things way too personally. His focus on the message allowed him to hear the content and to choose the areas that could be best applied to his situations. Sure, Fred had some points that Bill thought were too “airy-fairy and fluffy,” but he still listened. He walked away with new insights, validation of some of his own thinking, and a new perspective on creating better relationships with women. Bill was tuned in and listening at Level I.
Survival Tactics
You learn to listen by being quiet, both verbally and mentally. Stop trying to practice on living human beings. It doesn’t work. What you do need to do to get started is choose a television program that features one person talking at length—a public affairs program, documentary, or lecture. I find C-SPAN to be especially useful for practicing Level I listening.
Here is the trick. Assume that everything you are hearing is true and don’t judge the material. Every time your attention wanders, drag it back to the speaker. Do this for roughly half an hour every day. Initially you will have to pull yourself back into focus every one or two minutes. That’s how bad most of us are at Level I listening.
When you’re feeling accomplished with this, begin practicing on human beings. And keep at it. Your tendency will be to drift off.
Want to have some fun? Pull some of your colleagues and work group members together and make a game out of it. I can tell you that some people won’t want to play, and those poor sports are the ones who probably need it the most.
Result? Less conflict. Remember: Your right to respond comes only from your willingness to listen. If you don’t listen, you’re not ready to respond.
Listening skills are improved when you learn to be quiet. Yes, you have to listen to the tirades of Toxic People. Do not interrupt them. Do keep them on track. If they drag up old issues and examples that do not relate to their current theme, interrupt and say, “I want to know more about the issue you started with.” Did you know that silent and listen are spelled with the same letters?
When people are having verbal temper tantrums, it is usually better to just let them exhaust themselves. They won’t listen to you any-way, because their story hasn’t been fully told. Be careful about using the suggestion of interrupting—use it only if they are way off track.
You have to listen. Usually you don’t because you want to stay in your own little world and are too scared to step outside. Typically, you are not prepared to venture into other people’s domain.
Here’s the rub. You could do a better job of seeing things from their point of view by simply listening. Open up and visit their world to see what it feels like.
Being responsive does not mean you have to agree with their situation or point of view. Understanding is not the same as agreement. People are entitled to their views and to have you listen to them without bias. Isn’t that how you expect others to listen to you?
I was presenting my Toxic People keynote to a group of medical malpractice insurance professionals, and a woman approached me after I had finished. She brought up a problem she called Malpractice of the Mouth. (Perhaps we should call poor listening habits Malpractice of the Ears!)
Are some of your Toxic People just plain boring? Do you catch yourself daydreaming and your mind wandering every time they speak . . . and speak . . . and speak?
Help is near! Listening to people who are boring, speak in a monotone, or have nothing to say is frustrating. Use your skills to listen more effectively and keep them on track. Understand that it’s the right half of the brain that tends to wander—the creative, non-linear side. The focused side of your brain is the left hemisphere, which contains the areas where words and language are processed.
Train yourself to say, “My mind will not wander, and I will give this person respect.” Saying some kind of mantra forces you to the part of your brain where you hear words and solves the daydreaming dilemma. Using strategic self-talk moves your thinking from daydreaming to focused communication. Frustration is reduced, toxicity is held at bay, and you can move on.
Do you converse with people, especially the toxic ones, who go off track? Ramble forever? Make you crazy?
Try using one of these:
/> “Excuse me for interrupting. Is our focus right now ___________________?”
“I’ve lost focus on where we are. Do we need to talk about ___________________?”
Of course, these must be said with positive intent, a pleasant look, forward body language, and no sarcasm—all great survival skills if you choose to use them.
Sainthood emerges when you can listen to someone’s tale of woe and not respond with a description of your own.
—Dr. Andrew V. Mason, author of And or Love In conflict, speaking louder is often the approach used, whereas listening louder would solve so much more. So, stop being so self-absorbed. Stop using silence as the “when to talk” indicator.
And stop blaming the other person for not listening to you, because you probably are not listening to them.
Did you know that listening is a real act of courage? You make yourself vulnerable when you listen, because you may actually find out you are incorrect. Someone else may have information that proves you wrong. This is a frightening prospect, and difficult to face. Your frames of reference may be torn down, and you may feel at risk when having to rebuild a new structure.
You are being very generous by being a good listener, because you are open to others’ opinions and attitudes. Nothing can be more reassuring to another person than to be listened to in an attentive way, especially if you are entangled in a toxic situation. If you have someone in your life who nags, it may be that initially you did not listen to them. Nagging you became their survival tool.
Stop the insanity and break the nagging cycle by spending time to find the underlying cause. Ask questions and dig deeper if you choose to give the relationship any focus or energy!
Huh? Your Challenge
Listen for a change. Amazingly, conflict is reduced, and many times Toxic People are even pleasant communicators.
Become a great listener. It will resolve toxic situations and separate you from the masses. Most people have no clue about the importance of this skill.
Here are six quick steps for great listening:
Have an open mind.
Stop talking.
Turn off your self-talk (see Chapter 14, “Mental Looting”).
Start listening.
Ask questions to find out more.
Keep listening.
Sonia was tired of the skin rash on her arm, so she made an appointment with her doctor. He hardly took time to ask her what was wrong and gave little sign he was listening when she informed him she thought it might be something in the creams she was using. Sonia had changed brands several times but still had the terrible outbreaks. The doctor took less than a minute to look at her arm before pulling out his prescription pad. Sonia asked what the prescription was for, and he said, “It’s for prickly heat.” “Prickly heat?,” she queried. “I thought that was from sweating. It’s snowing, and I don’t think I’ve been sweating since last summer.” “Well, that’s what it is,” he said authoritatively.
This was the first of five doctors she visited within a year to diagnose her problem.
Finally, Sonia found a doctor who listened to her situation and carefully examined her rash. Her problems were solved during that appointment, because he was able to hear her and then apply his knowledge and experience. “You are allergic to para-aminobenzoic acid (PABA), and many creams contain that ingredient. Just be careful when you choose body lotions and sunscreens.”
Just think how good listening could improve your personal relationships. It’s like the guy who complains that his wife always says he doesn’t listen to her—at least that’s what he thinks she said.
Start right now by paying attention to how you listen in every situation. Begin challenging yourself to go beyond hearing and really listen. Listen up!
Chapter 12 - Control the Uncontrollable
The alarm sounded, the snooze button was slammed down, and Donald turned over in disgust. He thought, “I hate my job. I hate my boss.
I hate my life !” This message played over and over in his head on the trip to work. To validate his dismal message, the elevator’s Muzak was playing “Sad Boy” by Dorsey Burnette. “Ah, just the right music for another day that will suck,” Donald said aloud. Stressed before he even started the workday, he felt totally out of control and had become a Toxic Person.
Donald was buried in a self-made hole. He was right about the fact he didn’t control his company, his boss, his job demands, working long hours, and the people he worked with. He didn’t even control the people in his personal life, including his partner, kids, friends, and family. What he did control were his choices in life. His mental terrorism was pushing him to be helpless.
Control Your Job
David Lewis, a workplace psychologist, found that working long hours in a result-driven workplace causes stress, anxiety, and depression in employees. The workers he interviewed agreed that the top three short-term effects of stress were increased irritability, undermining of work performance, and an increase in mistakes—otherwise known as toxic behavior.
So, who is in control? You are. The choice of accepting a position is yours (well, unless you are incarcerated, perhaps). No one is holding a gun to your head. The decision to work in a particular industry or study in a particular field is your choice.
Kay was a scientist for a major pharmaceutical company. Her job was interesting, and all of her university studies were being used. Challenging as her research was, though, she didn’t feel a connection to her work. Guilt and stress were building as she thought about the possibility of changing industries and directions in her life. She did not sleep soundly, and dissatisfaction and unrest muddled her thoughts.
This began to affect her work and relationships. She was becoming argumentative, withdrawn, and unfocused. She was becoming a Toxic Person.
After listening to many authorities about taking control of her life, Kay bravely decided to join an association that supported people aiming to do what she wanted to do. Having realized that being a professional speaker would certainly fulfill her dreams and help her live her mission in life, she faithfully attended meetings and participated heartily, but did not quit her day job.
The first step was finding a mentor who would guide her to what was real and true in the speaking industry. She questioned many people during the networking sessions and finally identified the perfect person. Kay referred to her mentor as a “gift from God.” With help from her carefully selected mentor, a message was crafted and a strategy developed, and she was well on her way. Working on her self-confidence, focus, and next steps was often a struggle, but she pushed forward with the help of her mentor. She knew she was in control of her future and career and quit her day job!
Kay chose not to what-if her life away. Amazingly, many people remain in jobs they hate. Do you? I’ve heard every excuse, and one of my favorites is “I can’t leave because of the pay.” Most people think they are out of control when it comes to their remuneration.
Wrong! You are in total control of how much you make.
Here are three reasons you use the “I can’t change because of the money” excuse:
You are being paid too much for what you really do.
You have not taken inventory of your talents (or lack of talents).
You have no idea how to market yourself.
YOU ARE BEING PAID TOO MUCH FOR WHAT YOU REALLY DO
If you know you are being overpaid for your job because of company or industry wage standards, you know you will be out of that job soon. So start looking. In today’s environment, every leader, manager, and supervisor is looking to cut costs, and the easiest way to do it is to dump the overpriced employees. Then the company can either hire less expensive labor or outsource the job. Fair?
Maybe not, but it’s business. Unless you own your own company, you are not in control of the bottom line.
Solution? Ask for more difficult assignments. Learn a high-level skill. Work harder and smarter. Keep a list of the all the skills you have. Without
being a Steamroller or a Know-It-All, let it be known that you are capable of accomplishing more. Volunteer to cross-train others, lead an improvement team, or start a Learn and Burn lunch meeting.
The merger was complete, and Donna knew she was at the high end of the pay scale. Her job had been identified as redundant with another capable employee from the acquired company. Donna requested meetings with 10 of the leaders in the merged company’s management team. Six of them set appointments with her.
Donna had just one question: What was the biggest issue they needed to address to quickly reach their united goals? The majority of the leaders told her that it was to address the clash of cultures in the merged company. On her way home from work, Donna stopped by the library and asked the head librarian for some resources to help her learn how other companies have addressed and solved this culture gap problem. Several books were recommended. She contacted the local junior college and developed a relationship with one of the business professors. After putting together a program in half-hour increments, she became a star with the leadership of the merged company. They knew she was worth every penny they were paying her.
Another idea is to take your skills outside the company. Teach literacy, make recordings for the sight challenged, or educate others less fortunate.
You do have some control over the perception others have of you. So if you think you’re being paid too much, do something. If you don’t, they will solve the problem for you.
YOU HAVE NOT TAKEN INVENTORY OF YOUR TALENTS (OR LACK OF TALENT)
Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape Page 10