by Willow Rose
"Jiminy was his name. Yes you could say I am. You can always expect me to tell you things directly to your face, so to speak. In that way I guess I am very different than you."
I lifted an eyebrow. I still wasn't sure about this, if it was happening for real or if I was only imagining things. "That was harsh. Don't you think I tell the truth?"
The reflection shook her head. "Not to people you love. You'd rather hurt them."
"Ouch."
"Told you I'd tell the truth," she said with a smile. "Better get used to it."
"What else do you want to tell me? I have a feeling that you have more on your heart."
"You're right about that," the reflection answered. "I could tell you how I think you're selfish, that you're ungrateful and don't appreciate what you've got. You have a wonderful husband and yet you keep thinking about that boy you hardly know."
"Jason?"
"Who else could it be?" My reflection rolled her eyes. "You're always thinking about him, aren't you? Jason this, Jason that. Blahblahblah. On and on it goes. Give it up already, I want to tell you. You're only thinking about him because you want to ruin what you have got. You always do this to yourself, to us. Every time you have something good, you try to destroy it. You don't think you deserve to be happy. You create problems that don't have to be there by always wanting what you don't have. If you were with Jason you would be thinking about Mick constantly. That's just the way you are. It's your destructive behavior. There I said it."
"Wow," I said pensively. Going through the last couple of years with Mick in my head I realized my reflection was right. It was silly to be thinking about Jason when I hardly knew him. I was only hurting myself and destroying my marriage with Mick.
"I told you I'd be truthful. I didn't say you'd like it."
"So why do you think I can't bear to be close to Mick?" I asked. "Why do I feel so horrible, why do I keep thinking about that night?"
"It's all in your head," the mirror responded. "It's pathetic, really. You cling on to something that happened so long ago because you like to feel sorry for yourself. You want Mick to pay so you keep punishing him. How about thinking about all the great things he has done for you instead? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start acting like a real wife. Stop being a wimp. Live up to your responsibilities. You're luckier than most women so try and be a little grateful."
I took in a deep breath and stared at the reflection. She was so right, I thought. I was so right. It was time I grew up. I heard a sound and looked at the door. Mick streamed through it.
"Are you okay in here?" he asked. "I thought I heard voices?"
I looked down at the mirror. The reflection had gone back to normal. No voice was talking, no movements that weren't my own. Thinking I might have dreamt it all I put it down with a smile. "Everything is fine," I said and forced a smile trying to make Mick feel better. "I was just talking to myself, telling myself how stupid I am."
Mick chuckled.
"How are you?" I asked and reached out my hand.
He came closer and grabbed it. "I'm okay," he answered.
I pulled him close then kissed him. "I'm so sorry about earlier," I whispered when our lips had parted.
Mick exhaled. "I just don't understand."
I closed my eyes. Our foreheads leaned on each other's. I could smell him and feel his breath on my skin. The mirror was right. I did love Mick and I was lucky to have married such a wonderful man. I should be more grateful and more appreciative of him.
"I love you so much, Mick," I said.
He smiled widely. "You have no idea how much I love you. You're the one thing that I have in my life that is pure, the one thing that I have done right. I am so horribly afraid to destroy what we have, to destroy us."
"You're not the one destroying anything," I whispered.
He looked at me.
I bowed my head. "I am. It's all my fault."
Mick put his hand to my face and held me between his palms. I looked into his deep blue eyes. He looked like he was proud, like he was tearing up. "You have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that," he said.
I smiled. "Well it took me awhile to realize it, but I am very self-destructive. I try constantly to destroy good things in my life. I make up problems that don't have to be there."
"Yes," Mick said. "It's like I have always told you. You're thinking too much. I am so glad that you finally see it too."
Then he leaned over and kissed me insistently. He pushed me backwards onto the bed and held my hands. Then he kissed me again, roughly.
"I want you so badly. You're mine," he whispered while kissing my neck and ear. "Mine and only mine."
Then he moved down my body and pulled off my pants. I felt my breathing get heavier and when he put himself on top of me I felt the suffocation trying to overtake me again. I closed my eyes and fought it with all I could. No, I thought to myself. Mick is my husband. I love him, I should be able to be with him, be close to him.
It helped. The feeling of suffocation was dampened slightly and my breathing was soon more normal. While Mick was all over my body I concentrated on keeping calm, but soon the feeling grew in me again. It was like it emerged from my stomach and into every part of my body, like a chill causing me to shake. I kept my eyes closed and started imagining myself in a peaceful place, I saw the flickering butterflies in the Butterfly Garden and my breath was calmed down slightly. But then like a stroke of lightening I was back at the cliffs again and Mick was on me, demanding me and suddenly I couldn't control it anymore. I felt like the entire room was closing in on me, like I could hardly breathe anymore.
It's silly, I thought to myself, trying to calm myself down. It's all in your head. You can't even suffocate. You don't even need to breathe. Don't be a wimp, live up to your responsibility. You're lucky to have a man like Mick. You are so lucky.
Mick was moaning and groaning while touching me and climbing me. The sound of him breathing in my ear caused me to freeze. I began squirming underneath him and whimpering. It is pathetic, I told myself. You just need to calm down.
But I couldn't. The more Mick touched me the more I felt the panic rise inside of me. In the end it was like my entire body was about to explode. I opened my eyes and looked at Mick. He smiled as he entered me with a groan. I fought the desire to kick him off, to remove him and throw him in the air. If I did it would be the end of us. It would kill him. It would kill us.
"Mick I don't ..." I said. "It doesn't feel good. I don't feel good."
"Does your leg hurt?" he asked.
I shook my head. "No the leg is fine, but ...”
Mick just looked at me and continued. "Then you're fine," he said. "Just relax and enjoy it. You're just over thinking again."
"But ..."
"Shh," he said and put his hand over my mouth. "Don't speak."
I closed my eyes and fought the thoughts and emotions stirring up inside of me causing me to feel bad. If it was all in my head like the reflection had told me, then I should be able to control it, right? So I did. With all I knew how to, I swallowed my emotions and focused on Mick and on making him happy.
When he was done his limp body fell on top of me with a groan. Then he rolled to the side and lay on his back next to me.
"That was wonderful," he whispered.
My entire body froze as he lifted his head and kissed me on the cheek. He caressed my forehead and put his fingers through my hair.
"You just have to get used to it," he said. "I mean you never had sex with anyone before you met me, right?"
I shook my head slowly.
"So there you are," he said and kissed me again. "You're not comfortable with it yet. It'll get better. I promise you. It's just very new to you; all beginning is hard, right?"
I forced a smile and looked at him. I stroked his cheek with my finger. His skin was so smooth, like silk. He was so fair and incredibly beautiful. "I'm sure you're right," I said. "It's never easy in the beginning."
At that very moment
the baby kicked me hard and I couldn't help laughing. Mick looked at me. I pointed at the stomach where a small bump had appeared and now it was moving across the stomach. "Probably an elbow or a heel," I said and pointed at it.
Mick stared at it. His eyes seemed suddenly struck with shock.
"Do you want to touch it?" I asked.
Mick shook his head and got up from the bed. He floated to the dresser and pulled out some clothes. "Here," he said and threw a dress my way. "I had Rahmiel bring you some new maternity clothes while you were in the hospital."
I stared at Mick, my smile frozen on my lip. I got up and picked up the dress. "Why don't you want to touch my stomach, Mick?"
He stopped moving, still with his back turned at me. There was a long pause. He cleared his throat. I waited his answer.
"It's not appropriate," he suddenly said.
I felt confused. "It's not what? Appropriate? Why? You were just all over my body? Suddenly it's not appropriate?"
Mick nodded. "I can't deal with it right now."
"What can't you deal with? At least look at me!"
Mick turned and faced me. His face seemed torn. His head was bent, looking down. His eyes avoided mine.
"What's going on here, Mick?" I asked slightly desperate.
He lifted his eyes and looked into mine. "It's just very real all of a sudden," he said. "It's very real when it moves and kicks and stuff."
"I don't understand. Don't you want it to be real? It's a baby, Mick. It's coming and it's going to be very real."
"I know," he said.
"So what. Now suddenly you have regrets? Don't you want the baby after all, is that it? Because it's too late, Mick. It's coming."
He shrugged. "I know. I know." He was biting his lip. Then he turned his back at me. I wanted to grab him and hold him down, I wanted to force him to look into my eyes and tell me what was going on.
"I can't deal with it right now," he said.
Then he oozed through the door and left me.
CHAPTER 14
I WAS SPEECHLESS, startled and motionless. Never had I felt so abandoned, so alone in this or any other world. Never had I felt so confused. Why was Mick being that way all of a sudden? He was the one who had told me he wanted a big family. He had been thrilled when I told him I was pregnant. Had he gotten cold feet all of a sudden? Did he not want the baby after all? Hadn't he thought it through? Was it something that I had said or done? I looked at the mirror on the nightstand. Part of me wanted to pick it up and ask what was going on, but another part of me was afraid of the truth.
I did it anyway. I picked it up and looked into it. My eyes were red and I thought I looked horrible. Tears rolled down my cheeks.
"Are you there?" I whispered not knowing how to make it talk to me again. "I need your help. I need to know what's going on."
Suddenly my reflection smiled and the eyes changed. She shook her head. "You look terrible!" she said.
"I know," I answered. "I don't feel so good."
"Again with the pity-party?" the reflection asked. "You're getting more and more pathetic. Pull yourself together, would you?"
"I don't think Mick wants the baby," I said. I was scared to death of the answer but asked the question anyway:
"Has Mick changed his mind?"
"Wouldn't you?"
"Excuse me?"
"Would you like to create a family with someone like you? A whimpering and whining woman who keeps hurting him? If you're not careful he will grow tired of you soon enough."
I was about to answer when there was a knock on my door. I put the mirror down and looked at the door. "Come in," I said. I wiped my eyes dry when Abhik showed his face through the door. I smiled and floated towards him.
"Abhik! You have no idea how glad I am to see you here. I thought you had gone back!"
"Gone back? No. I promised you I'd stay a little longer, didn't I?"
We hugged. I held him for a little longer than usual. He looked at me when I finally let go of him.
"Is something wrong?" he asked when he looked at my face. "Have you been crying?"
I turned away from him while trying to wipe my eyes again, but instead more tears emerged from and rolled down my cheeks.
"I look hideous, I know. Don't look at me," I said.
I felt his hand on my shoulder. "This is not the Meghan I used to know," he said. "Since when did you start caring so much about what you look like?"
I exhaled. Abhik floated around me and we stood face to face. I tried to not have him look at me. He grabbed my shoulders and then lifted my head to meet his. "First of all you're not hideous. You're beautiful as always, even when you cry. Second of all, what is going on with you?"
"It's nothing. I'm just acting silly. I think the hormones are getting to me," I said. "It's been like a roller-coaster lately. I have all these mood swings and I never know what I'm going to say or do next. My emotions are controlling me and not the other way around."
"What about Mick. Can't he help you?"
"He is the one I'm taking it out on. I keep upsetting him. It's all my fault. I'm ruining everything. Now I am not even sure that he wants to have the baby after all."
Abhik gasped. "What are you saying? Did he say that?"
"No, he didn't, but I sense it. He didn't want to touch my stomach just before, when it was moving and when I asked him about it, he didn't want to talk to me. He just said he couldn't deal with it right now. He even said it wasn't appropriate. It made me feel really lousy."
"But he didn't say that he didn't want the baby, did he? That's just your conclusion, right?" Abhik asked.
"Well, he said that he couldn't deal with it right now, that it all became too real when it moved and so on."
Abhik chuckled. Then he put his arm around my shoulder. "Listen to me Meghan. I'm sure Mick is just a little afraid right now. Afraid of what it will mean for your relationship to have a baby. Like many men before him, he is scared of how it will be like afterwards. When the baby has arrived. That doesn't mean he doesn't want the baby."
"You don't think?"
"No, of course not. Mick is excited about having a baby, you know that. He has been dying to have a family for so many years. Remember he was engaged fifty years ago? He thought she was going to give him everything he dreamed of, but it ended badly. Now he has finally gotten everything and he is going to be so excited. I know he will. Right now he just needs a little space. He'll come around soon enough."
I sniffled. Abhik handed me a tissue. I wiped my tears away. "You always make me feel better," I said. "Say why didn't you come and visit me in the hospital?" I pushed him amicably.
"I wanted to, I really did, but Mick told me that you needed rest and that they wouldn't let anyone else in there but him. So I figured I'd wait till you were back in the castle."
"But I've been here for days, why didn't you come here?"
"I didn't know you were out. Yesterday I saw Mick in the Hall talking to everybody while they were applauding him on lunch. I asked him how you were doing. He said you were out but you were too ill to have any visitors. He basically told me to stay away. I didn't care much for that, so today when I saw him in the Hall again I thought I'd sneak up here and see how you were. You don't look that sick to me."
"I'm not. The doctor told me to rest for a few days, that's all. My leg is healing fine and hardly hurts anymore."
"Hmmm."
"What?"
"Well, it's just that Mick kind of gave me the impression that you were barely conscious and that you couldn't speak and slept most of the time."
"That's weird," I said.
"Why would he lie?" Abhik asked.
I shrugged. "He's been slightly overprotective of me lately. I can't seem to figure him out. One moment he is so afraid of hurting me and will hardly touch me and won't let anything happen to me, won't take his eyes of me. The next he is hurting me himself by saying these things like he did about the baby, and then he abandons me. I don't understand hi
m and I never know where I have him. When he walks through the door I never know what he will be like."
Abhik nodded. "Sounds like he is going through some stuff as well," he said. "Maybe you should talk to him about it."
"I guess," I said.
"Maybe it would help to get your mind on something else," Abhik said.
"What do you mean?"
"Right before you left on you disastrous honeymoon you asked me to stay and help you with some stuff, remember?"
"I do remember. Of course I do." I smiled at the thought of doing something completely different, something that could take my mind entirely off my problems and concerns.
"So what is it? What did you want me to help you with?"
"Sit down and I'll explain," I said.
Abhik sat on the bed and I floated to my cupboard. I pulled out a drawer and took my folder. I brought it to him and placed it in his lap.
"This," I said.
"It's your file? But that's personal, Meghan. Are you sure you want me to read in it?"
"I want you to read through all of the last year of my life."
Abhik looked at me suspiciously. "You do know that it would allow me to know everything about you, right? All your thoughts and dreams at that moment? It could be quite intimidating for the both of us."
"I know," I said. "I put in a bookmark on the pages I want you to look at. Find it and open the folder."
Abhik sighed. "Okay. As you wish. But don't come and tell me I didn't warn ..." Abhik paused as he opened the pages and started flickering through my last year. Then he lifted his head and stared at me with wide open eyes.
"Thought you might find it interesting," I said.
"But ... But they're .... they're all empty?"
CHAPTER 15
ABHIK STARED AT the many pages in disbelief, as if he kept staring long enough he would realize that his eyes were in fact deceiving him.
"How is this possible?" he asked without looking up at me.
"I don't know. It's not just the last year that is missing. I have bookmarked all the places that are black. If you go back a little you'll see that there are several of them."