by C. D. Gorri
“Look Ronan, something is strange that’s all I’m saying.”
“Well, what do you expect? The man is Alpha of Greyback Pack and Commander of the Hounds of God. Only the most vast and powerful reaching Werewolf organization in the world! You want him to just hang around all day discussing the weather?” Ronan said as he walked me back over to my yard.
The sun was melting some of the frost, but I knew it would freeze again the minute a cloud passed over. The change in the weather was dramatic. Winter in Northern New Jersey could be brutal. Our little suburb was no exception, but to be honest I wasn’t ready for it yet. I mean one minute I’m wearing shorts and tank tops the next I’m digging in the attic for my winter clothes. Smh.
“Yeah well, the weather was actually one of our topics. I just don’t see how I can be so important if he left already. And why didn’t he just tell me what is going on?”
“I don’t know. But maybe we’re not supposed to question, maybe we are just supposed to do. I’ll see you at Church tomorrow.” His hand lingered on my shoulder a moment then he left.
I went inside. The familiar smells of my house greeted me. Herbs, cleaning supplies, fresh flowers, and the beginnings of chicken soup. Mmm.
The long night was catching up with me. I felt a little bit tired, but in a good way. Like after I had a really good run. Now that my stomach was full I could probably nap for a little while. I passed by Nonna in the living room on my way to the stairs. She was asleep on the couch, her rosary in her hand. I wished I was still small enough to crawl in next to her and cuddle, but those days were seriously over. I had to be a good foot taller than her already and I was still growing.
I covered her with a soft pink chenille throw and turned down the volume on the television set. She loved the Hallmark Channel, especially on the weekends. Today was a marathon of Murder, She Wrote. I used to watch those with her when I was little. So I like a good, clean mystery, sue me.
On my way up to my room I passed by Julianna’s and Rebecca’s door. It was wide open, which was unusual. I could smell the heavy flower perfume my cousin soaked herself in and had to stop myself from gagging. My eyes got teary as I took another step.
Yuck. I really hate flowery perfume. Why call something Kissed by a Sunflower and then have it smell nothing like a sunflower? Some pop band was blaring from Julianna’s iPod, but I could still make out her voice.
“Well, I wouldn’t compare us to you and Tyler! No way, Liz, you guys were in another category, but I will say this, the boy can certainly kiss…Yes, his body is as hard as it looks. I know, right! Jeez, Lizette I’m not about to tell you. Ha, you bet, we would’ve stayed out all night too…No way, did she really take that stuff? I guess I’m willing to try it next time, but only with him…”
I quickly went to my room. The Harvest dance had been Friday night and Ronan had been Julianna’s date. He must have gone back to the dance after the fight with the Wendigo. After I went home.
Did they kiss? I felt betrayed and hurt and maybe a little jealous. Okay, a lot jealous. It didn’t make sense. I wasn’t dating him. I was sort of dating Sebby. I had no exclusive rights to Ronan. He could kiss anyone he wanted. My Wolf snarled at the thought.
I made up my bed with quick deft motions. I walked around my room and picked up my sneakers and some dirty clothes I had left carelessly on the floor. Stupid, Grazi, this is stupid. I had to get my emotions under control. I turned around and opened my window all the way.
A breeze blew in immediately and lifted my curtains in a wild dance around me. It was chilly, but my blood seemed to run hotter nowadays. I hardly felt the cold right then. Besides, I needed to change the air. I was sensitive to stale air, always had been. Even before I knew what I was.
I needed to relax. Unwind a little. I couldn’t think about Sebby and what I was supposed to feel for him or Ronan and what I was currently feeling for him. Whatever that was. Ugh.
I took out a large white, leather bound book from my bedside table. My mother’s diary. Nonna had given it to me the day of the dance. I hadn’t had a chance to really look at it. The battle with the Wendigo and the hunt last night left me pretty much booked. This was the first moment I had to myself all weekend.
I plopped down on my bed and arranged the pillows just the way I liked them when I was about to get into a really good read. I may have mentioned before I’m a bit of a geek. But no worries, geek is the new chic. That’s what Angela says anyway.
There was no need for me to turn on the lamp. I could see very well especially with the morning light coming from the window. I turned the pages till I got to her first entry. Before I looked down I took a deep cleansing breath. This was my mother’s diary. The enormity of what I held in my hands hit me.
Did I really want to get inside her head? To know what she felt and thought? What if it wasn’t good?
I pushed all my doubts aside. Sure I was scared, but I needed to know her. To get close to her. This was my best bet. On the first page her name was written in beautiful script. Something I could never imitate. Chicken scratch. That’s what my teacher’s called my penmanship. Oh well, can’t be good at everything I guess.
I traced her name with my finger. Lilliana Maria DiPaolo. Then I continued to read her careful script.
Thanks mommy and daddy for this. I’ve wanted a diary for so long to tell all my deepest darkest secrets too. This is just perfect! Well, here goes.
High school is pretty fun. I have great friends and I like most of my classes. Except Geometry. Like, what do I even need that for? Anyway, I haven’t found anyone to fall in love with though and that is what I want the most.
Everyone just seems so ordinary. So dull. Same old boys playing the same old stupid tricks they did when we were in grammar school. I want adventure, excitement, romance. Maybe I’ll have better luck tomorrow. I know it’s uncool for me to want love, everyone else wants to be a doctor or a judge or something, but I want my prince to find me. I want to dance barefoot in the moonlight. I want to kiss a boy so hard my soul will fall into him and his in mine. Like Jane Eyre!
Hmm, so Mom was a romantic. I guess a lot of girls my age are. She was beautiful though and smart so maybe it was easier for her to picture herself in love. I never pictured myself in love or being loved by someone.
It was hard for me to imagine trusting someone that much. Maybe I’m broken or something. I shook my head. Dwelling on my many flaws was not going to help me, so I continued reading.
New boy at school today. He’s an exchange student from someplace called Coalisland in County Tyrone, Ireland. He sounds like a movie star with his accent and he has the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. If eyes are the windows to the soul then his must be beautiful. I think I found him. My prince. Patrick Michael Kelly…oooh, Lilliana Kelly. I like it.
Love at first sight. I had no idea. I looked at the dates and figured she was just a year older than me when she first laid eyes on him, so that would make her a junior. I put the book down and closed my eyes. I wanted to remember them. My parents.
I tried to picture my clearest memory of them, but it was hazy. A family dinner. My father had picked me up and placed me on his lap while my mother made our plates. Fettucini Alfredo. One of my favorites. I could smell the freshly grated cheese still. She made the best Alfredo sauce. Zucchini sautéed in olive oil accompanied the dish. Nonna still made that some nights and it was awesome. My stomach was full to bursting, but still I wished I had a bowl.
I stared at my ceiling, willing myself to remember the way we used to be. Me, my mom and dad. A family. Nothing against Nonna. She’s been wonderful to me and all the family I have ever needed. Only, well, after Uncle Vito and Aunt Theresa moved in with my cousins it was like my loneliness was magnified. They had a way of setting themselves apart from me.
The shopping, salon trips, vacations, dinners or movie nights just for them. I was nine and Julianna was about ten the first time she told me I wasn’t a part of her real family. It didn�
��t hurt me now, but I sometimes wanted to cry for the child I was. Awkward with my big feet and long braids and so very lonely for a friend. I guess in some ways I’m still that little girl.
I felt ashamed of myself for having these thoughts. Petty and ungrateful. Nonna deserved better from me. So much better. Still, I couldn’t stop myself from having them. I clenched my fists and closed my eyes. Mama and daddy. Remember, Grazi, remember.
I remembered after dinner sometimes we’d play dolls on my bedroom floor. Mama would take out a large poster board for me to color on while she studied. She always had books, old, heavy ones that smelled of must.
I tried to concentrate on more detail, but it was too far out of reach. A Bible, a Latin dictionary that I think I still had, notebooks. Mmm, fresh baked cookies. Dad singing to me in his lovely deep voice. I think he was singing a song by The Cure. I smiled and close my eyes tighter. I felt like I was so close to remembering something. Something important. I must have fallen asleep. The next thing I remember I was dreaming. The same dream that had been haunting me for years.
“Mama, tell me again. Please Mama,” My childish voice whined for attention. I snuggled down in my tiny bed and held my pink rag doll. My pink and white painted room was dark and cold. There were clothes and toys scattered carelessly across the floor next to a duffle bag that was half packed. Mama seemed anxious, maybe even scared.
“Okay, okay baby. Ti amo, Maria, ti amo del mare alla stella! Shush now, it will all be okay.” Her soft chestnut hair tickled my face as she bent to tuck me in. I giggled. She gently placed her hand over my mouth to silence me. I smelled the familiar scents of baby powder and Ivory soap, but there was something else. Fear. I smelled her fear. She took my hands and kissed both of them before placing them on the blanket.
“Tell me what it means, mama! Tell me, tell me! Pleeease!”
“I will, I will. Hush now, my baby.” She tucked in the blanket all around me and placed the statue of Mary on my nightstand, “It means I love you, my beautiful Maria, from the sea all the way up to the stars. I’m so sorry, baby, so sorry. Forgive Mama, okay?”
“Don’t cry, Mama, you’ll make the baby sad.” I reached out my tiny hand and patted her swollen belly. “Ti amo del mare alla stella, baby brother.” I whispered. Mama quickly wiped her cheeks. She was crying.
“Okay quiet now, baby. It’s almost time. First, I need you to promise me that you’ll run when I tell you, Maria. You must run, Maria, run!”
I sprang up from my bed drenched in sweat. Had I imagined it? My hands trembled as I ran them through my tangled hair. It was so different than before. She was different. Scared and anxious. And Mama’s belly? Huge and round. Could it be? I looked out of my window. It was dark. I must have been asleep all day. I threw on some shoes and a hoodie.
I could hear Aunt Theresa downstairs. I didn’t want to answer her questions so I opened the window and jumped down to the yard. It got easier every time I attempted it. I landed on my feet, a quick jump over the fence, and I jogged to the back door of the Kelly house, Uncle Sean’s new headquarters. I opened the back door without knocking. Dimitri and Sascha sprang to their feet positioned to attack.
“How come I don’t hear you moving?”
They put their fists down, but they were clearly still ready for action. I just looked at them and they backed up. The blonde one stepped towards me then I met his gaze. He ducked his head and averted his eyes. Crap. I was seconds from losing it. Get a grip, Grazi.
“It’s alright, we were playing game. That’s why.” I think it was Sascha speaking, trying to console his brother. They had been playing some Xbox game, hockey, I think. It didn’t matter to me. I found the room I was looking for and walked in. Uncle Sean looked up from the desk where he was sitting.
“It is common, inion dearthar, to knock before entering another’s domicile.” He did not cock his head when I made eye contact. He met my stare and waited patiently for my response. I could feel anger rolling off me in waves.
Liar. I wanted to shout it at him. It wasn’t long before Ronan showed up. He looked alarmed and stood still and silent in the doorway.
“You may come in, if you like, Ronan. I’m sure that is okay with you, Grazi.” My Wolf was pleased Ronan was there, but my mind was a jumble of confusion, anger and resentment.
“She was pregnant. My mother was pregnant.” The color left Uncle Sean’s face and he looked away, but not from any dominance I had over him. This was shame and sadness. My uncle bowed his head and said a few words in Latin. The Hail Mary I think.
“How did you know?”
“Is it true?”
“Aye, tis true. Lilliana was always so beautiful when she was with child.”
“What happened to the baby?” I demanded. Ronan whined, a Wolf’s noise. I looked at him and he came to my side. When he did I could feel my Wolf’s pride. Clearly she approved of him and his Wolf.
He stood slightly behind me and to my right. My protector, my right hand. My Wolf’s words. I thought briefly of Julianna and wanted to confront him, but now was not the time.
“The baby, Uncle Sean, my brother.”
“Oh Lord, forgive me. Grazi, how did you know?” I did not respond.
“Look, Lilliana was still carrying him the night she, the night she passed. I’m afraid you lost more than a mother and father that dreadful night. I am so, so sorry. You’ll never know how much.” A moment of quiet passed. I wasn’t meant to be alone? I had a family once. I’d almost had a brother. I wanted to cry out my pain, but I held it in.
Ronan placed his hand on my shoulder for support. I wanted to shrug it off. To ask him about what he was doing with my cousin, but the news I just heard didn’t let me. Truth was I needed his support right then more than I cared to admit.
“How did you know about him?” Uncle Sean asked again. His expression was incredulous.
“I had the dream again. The one of my mom. This time things were different. The whole thing was different.” I went on to tell him the subtle changes in my dream. The crying, the scents, the fear, the duffle bag.
“Ah. It would seem you are now remembering with your instincts. Your Wolf was dormant inside of you when you were a child, as is true for all natural Werewolves, but not her instincts. Your senses, smell and sight, the impressions you picked up as a child. Your recent connection to your Wolf is enabling you to remember them now. It is fast progress for one who didn’t know she was a Werewolf till a few months ago. Impressive.”
“But what about my mom? Why would she risk a child to follow my dad?”
“I don’t know what was in her mind that night, Grazi. I only know I will never stop looking for answers.” I so wanted to believe him. To trust him.
“In the meantime we must get ready for the feast of St. Lucy. We’ve only a few short weeks.”
“What happens then?” I felt Ronan’s grip tighten on my shoulder. His heart pounded.
“Everything.”
CHAPTER 2
The following Monday started off as usual. All the girls in school were decked out in their Ugg boots, NorthFace jackets, and Michael Kors winter collection purses. I shrugged out of my beat up old bomber jacket and shoved it in my locker. Fashion had always been about what was available and functional for me. That hadn’t changed just because I’m a Werewolf now.
Ronan was waiting for me. He leaned against some locker doors and looked down at my worn school shoes while I gathered my books into my backpack. I don’t know how those other girls fit their books into a purse. Then again Julianna and her clones never seemed to worry much about books or grades. Now that’s surprising.
“Are you alright?” Ronan asked, the deep timbre of his voice cutting into my meandering thoughts.
“I’m fine.”
“You didn’t answer your phone last night after you left. I was worried.”
“Really? I thought maybe you’d be more worried about Julianna.”
“Why would I worry after her?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you went back to the dance and spent the night making out with her!” He looked at me with his emerald eyes and frowned slightly. He nodded once and turned away. Ouch. We had separate classes first period anyway. I didn’t watch him go. Much.
I am such a weirdo. I don’t know why I lashed out like that at him. I mean what did I care if he dated my cousin? We were nothing to each other.
I mean, yeah, we’re both Werewolves and have to train together. He had my back which was cool, but I didn’t even like him! Not like that. Right? Ugh. Sometimes being a teenager was really tough.
After homeroom the teachers herded us into the cafeteria and broke the news about Ms. Vorax’s death and Mr. Gundy’s condition. He was still unconscious and in St. Anne’s Hospital. The doctors had to operate and he lost his right leg from the knee down. We prayed for his speedy recovery and for Ms. Vorax’s family.
A uniformed police officer and a plainclothes detective were in the audience. The detective, a short spunky woman with dark Bettie Page style hair and sharp brown eyes watched the crowd as Sr. Diane led us all in a prayer for both teachers. Afterwards the choir sang a round of On Eagle’s Wings and most of the students broke down crying. My cheeks remained dry.
The detective’s sharp eyes landed on me. Her sculpted brows knit together. Oh no, she looked interested. I immediately dropped my gaze, afraid I would give something away. My heart started to pound a little. I could feel heat rising in my cheeks. Another minute of this and I’d turn right there.
It took some effort to calm myself back down. Uncle Sean had warned me my Wolf would want to meet any challenges head on. I had to learn to control her. I hadn’t had a problem so far, but I’d rather err on the side of caution.
By lunch I was back into the swing of things. I hadn’t pictured Ms. Vorax’s face more than seventeen times that whole morning. Progress since Friday night. There was a small shrine outside the library, Vases full of flowers, a framed picture of Ms. Vorax and a large crucifix. Some students wrote little letters and pinned them to the bulletin board. The flowers made me sneeze when I walked by. Sr. Diane saw me in the hallway and nodded. She probably assumed we were close and didn’t know what to say.