by Sean Michael
“Okay. I guess this is it, guys. I’ll see you soon.” None of the girls would look at him. He sighed. “Okay. Bye girls.”
He headed downstairs. He didn’t figure it was going to be any easier to say goodbye to Ryan.
Ryan had his hands full with bags. “Hey, I got your Tylenol.”
Now he felt bad for having asked. “Thank you. I really do appreciate it. Let me help you with those.” He grabbed a couple of the bags and carried them to the kitchen, put them on the table.
“What do I need to do for you? There’s a car waiting outside. I’m assuming that’s for you?”
“It is. I have everything I need in my bag. I’ll call as soon as I can. I’m sorry the girls are so upset. I’m sorry I have to go.” He stepped up to Ryan and wrapped him in a hug.
Ryan hugged him back, kissed his cheek. “Take care of yourself.”
“You too.” He took a quick kiss, lips pressed against Ryan’s. Then he squeezed him one last time and headed out.
Usually his entire focus was on the job ahead of him, but today he couldn’t help but think about what he was leaving behind.
Chapter Twenty-One
RYAN SAT at the kitchen table staring at the door.
Okay. He needed to make dinner for the girls. He needed to do things. He needed to….
God, he needed to figure out what to do next.
His phone notified him of a text. He checked it automatically. It was from Mel.
Daddy is he gone?
Yeah baby. I’m in the kitchen.
Can’t leave the babies alone—come up?
K.
Christ. Okay. Calm. Peaceful. It was important to tell the girls this was Alex’s job, what he did. It was important to help others.
When he got to his room, he found them all huddled together on the bed, tears streaking his girls’ cheeks. Mel looked mad.
“Hey, guys. I bought stuff for meatballs at the store.”
“Popsy, Lex leaved!” Rosie told him, face crinkling up again.
“He had to go to work. He helps people. It’s important.”
“Aren’t we important, too?” Daisy asked.
“Sure you are, but those people need help, and you have me.” How did he explain this when he hadn’t worked it out for himself?
Rosie began crying again, and he drew her into his arms, holding on tight. He rocked her, and the other three glommed on to him.
“Are you going bye-bye, Popsy? Are you going too?”
“No, baby. My home is here. My job is here.”
“Promise, Popsy. Promise?”
“I swear. I promise. My job is to take care of my babies.”
“Why can’t that be Alex’s job too?” Daisy asked.
“Because it isn’t.” He didn’t have answers. He didn’t know how to explain to a nine-year-old that she wasn’t the center of everyone’s world.
He settled on the bed with them, staring blindly at the cartoons on the television. It didn’t take that long for the three younger girls to fall asleep, the crying and upset taking their toll.
“I’m sorry, Daddy,” Mel said softly.
“I am too, honey. Thank you for taking care of the little ones.”
“I had to. It’s my fault.”
“What? What do you mean? You didn’t cause an earthquake, honey.”
“But I made you meet him, and if that hadn’t happened nobody would be upset!”
“Shh. Honey. This isn’t about you. This isn’t your fault. It’s his job. I knew that from the beginning.”
She sighed heavily. “He could get a job here.”
“That’s not our choice, Melissa.”
She didn’t say anything else but leaned against him.
“Are you okay?” He kissed the top of her head.
“Yeah. It was scary, you know? How fast it happened. I mean, he got a call, and then he was going.”
“Yeah. That was…. I don’t love that. I feel weird that I don’t, you know?”
“You feel weird about not liking him taking off with nothing more than a phone call? Because that seems pretty normal to me.”
“I think I’m supposed to understand, baby. I think it’s the right thing to do.”
“Doing the right thing isn’t always easy,” Mel noted with another sigh. “Sometimes it’s really hard.”
“You know it.”
“But Daddy, if it makes you really unhappy, do you have to accept it, just because it’s right?”
God, trust his girl to ask the hard questions. “I don’t know, Mel.” What if this was Mel’s lover doing this? What would he tell her? What was he teaching her? “I haven’t figured it out yet. I’m sorry.”
Her phone buzzed, and she pulled it out of her pocket, face lighting up. She began texting back.
He didn’t look. He just prayed that she was smarter than he’d been. In every single way.
Ryan thought he was basically a good guy, but smart? Shit no.
“Daddy, can I go to Caroline’s?”
“Are her folks home?”
“Yes, Daddy. And Anita and Susie and Kyle will be there.” She looked at him, her eyes big and round.
“Okay. Are you intending to spend the night, and is Kyle leaving before then?” She told him—that was good, right?
“She didn’t say, but I want to come home.”
“Okay. Call me when you want to be picked up. If it’s going to be later than 8:30, I’ll see if Caroline’s dad will bring you home.” Jim was a good guy.
“Thank you, Daddy, I love you.” She flung herself at him and wrapped her arms around his neck. “You’re the best.”
“I’m trying, baby girl.” And that was that.
He was a dad first and everything else second. It was his legacy, what he gave to the world. He was a dad, and he loved his girls.
Chapter Twenty-Two
ALEX HAD been gone five days before he had a chance to sit down and call Ryan. He worked it out quickly in his head. He was ahead by two hours, so nearly 8:00 p.m. here was six o’clock back home. He might be interrupting supper, but he should be able to say hi to the girls too.
Honestly, he could handle seeing their faces. It had been five days of hell. They’d pulled one corpse after another out of the rubble and still had plenty of places to dig out and search. The longer it went, the less likely it was they were going to find anyone alive.
He hit the video call button on Skype and waited for Ryan to accept the call.
It took a long time, but Ryan answered finally, looking harried and… dotted with flour. “Hey.”
Oh God, he looked good. So good. Something inside Alex clenched tight. “Hey, babe. I knew I might be calling around supper, but it looks like I interrupted something else. Everything okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, we’re learning how to make pie crust together. How’s you?”
“Okay.” How did he tell Ryan that it was a total shitshow, and everyone was dead, and it was depressing as hell?
“You look tired. Have you been able to sleep at all?”
He shrugged. “In bits and pieces. We’re pretty much just looking for survivors at this point.” And not having any luck with it, either.
“I’m sorry. That sucks.”
“Yeah, it’s… well, it is what it is. I miss you guys. A lot.” He touched the screen, touched Ryan’s face on the screen.
“I miss you too.” Ryan tried to smile, but it didn’t make it to his eyes.
“Can I say hi to the girls?” He’d love to see their faces, their smiles.
“They’re busy, Alex. I’m sorry, but Rosie cried for a day and a half, Daffy is having nightmares about earthquakes coming for her, and Daisy is just worried. I haven’t slept alone since you left. Maybe next time, huh?”
Disappointment flooded him, but also guilt. “Damn. I’m sorry, Ryan. I never realized they’d take it so hard.”
“They’re little girls, and they don’t understand. I don’t even work outside the home, you know?”
“I know. I know. Maybe when I’m back I should talk to them more about what I do and the reasons why….” If they understood, maybe it would be easier.
“Yeah, we’ll talk about that. See if they can start to understand.”
“Yeah, I probably should have explained when I was there. I just…. Things happened so fast, didn’t they?”
Ryan nodded. “You live a very different life than I do. They didn’t understand.”
Alex nodded like a bobble-head doll. “Of course, of course.” He wasn’t really sure what else to say. He didn’t want to share what was going on in Chile. It was too depressing, and he wouldn’t put that on Ryan or the girls. “So tell me what you’ve been doing? What kinds of pie are you going to make?”
“Apple, I think. I have a backup crust in the fridge, just in case.”
Alex chuckled. That was Ryan, always doing whatever he could to make sure the girls were okay even if things went wrong.
He was the best father Alex had ever known. Ever.
“How about Mel and that boy? How’s that going?”
“They went on their first date. She likes him a lot, I think.”
“Oh wow, that’s so cool.” He wished he’d been there when she left, when she came back. It was the first time he could remember wishing he wasn’t on an assignment.
“Yeah. She was floating. We had to have the talk, but she did fine.”
“Daddy! Don’t talk about me. We need help getting the crust in the pan.”
Alex cracked up, happiness filling him. “You did fine too, I bet.”
“I sure hope so.”
“Neither of you are dead from embarrassment, so you did great.”
“Daddy!”
“I’m sorry, Alex. I have to go. Get some rest, huh? Please?”
“I’ll do my best. Tell those girls of yours that I miss them. I’ll call again as soon as I can.” He waved, but he couldn’t be the first one to disconnect the call. He just couldn’t.
“I’ll be here. Take care of yourself.” Ryan blew him a kiss, and the screen went black.
He had to blink hard, a lot. God, he missed Ryan. And the girls. The way Rosie called him Lex and thought he was the best thing since her Popsy. The way Daisy asked a million questions. The way Mel would go “eww” if she caught him and Ryan in a clinch…. They were so full of life.
Everything here was death. Everything.
He closed his laptop and put it in his bag, which he slid back under his cot. He looked at the tiny pillow and the rough blanket, then sighed and shook his head. Yeah, he was tired, but he knew he was going to lie there awake forever, thoughts chasing through his head.
Instead of lying down, he got up and headed back out. He knew there’d be something for him to do.
Chapter Twenty-Three
“POPSY, I need help!”
“Popsy, Daisy took my baby!”
“Popsy, I don’t like pizza!”
“Daddy, there’s a party. Like a real party. I can’t miss it. Please!”
Ryan’s head was going to explode. Boom. Just fucking boom.
There always had been days that were harder than others, but now it seemed worse than ever. It was like he’d gotten used to not having to do this alone, so it was harder. Which was just crazy, because this was who he was; this was what he did. He was Daddy and Popsy first and foremost.
There was no way he’d ever be able to compete with Alex’s calling, and no reason he ought to. This wasn’t Alex’s trouble. If he loved Alex, he loved Alex.
As if thinking about him had conjured Alex up, Skype began binging, letting him know that Alex was requesting a video chat. It had been over a week since Alex had first called.
He closed his eyes, took a deep, calming breath, and answered the call.
Good Lord, Alex looked like death warmed over. He was pale, dirty, and the bags under his eyes were so dark, they almost made him look like a skull. And the pretty brown eyes were dull.
“Hey, Ryan. God, you’re a sight for sore eyes.”
“Jesus, are you okay?” What were they doing to Alex?
“Yeah, yeah. It’s just exhausting work. We’re coming home in two days. Thank God. Conditions have never been so bad.”
“Two days. Good deal. What do you need from me?” He wasn’t sure how to feel. He was tickled and worried—mostly tickled.
“I’ll text you the details once I have them. I’ll probably crash hard as soon as I get home. Sleep has been, uh, elusive. But what about you? How are you guys doing?”
“We’re fine.” He tried not to let his bad day show. Alex didn’t have time for that shit.
“Yeah? Everyone’s doing well? I can’t wait to see you all.”
“Daddy? Can I go? Please?”
“Yes. Just go.” Christ his head hurt.
“Another date?” Alex asked.
“A party. I’m going to have to take you upstairs. Hold on.”
Otherwise the little ones would eat each other.
“If I wasn’t so tired, I’d make some lewd comment about going to your room.”
“Yeah. No worries.” He didn’t feel like he had a sexual bone in his body.
Alex chuckled, the sound wry. “Long day? Why don’t you tell me all about it?”
“You don’t need to know about my stupid fucking day, Alex.” He was dealing with skinned knees and “stolen” dollies.
“To be honest, I’d rather hear about you and the girls no matter what your day was like than just about anything.”
“Popsy! Popsy, I need!”
“Daffy! I’m on the phone.” He was going to cry.
“Can I say hi to her?” Alex asked.
“Daffs, you want to say hi to Alex?”
“Is Alex here?” she asked, running into the room.
“He’s on the computer. He’s coming home in a couple days, though.” He turned the laptop so she could see.
“Alex!”
“Hey, Daffy. Look at you—have you grown?”
“No. Have I, Popsy? Am I bigger?”
“You might be. You just might be.”
“Are you doing wonderful things at school?” Alex asked.
As she started chattering at Alex all about her day, Ryan figured he should get the other girls, because if not, there would be shouting and crying over Daffy having gotten to speak to Alex when the rest of them didn’t.
“Sit right here and don’t pick up the laptop, okay?”
“Yes, Popsy.”
“Daisy? Rosie? Alex is on the computer if you want to talk to him.”
Daisy came running, but Rosie was noticeably absent.
“Where’s your sister?”
“She said didn’t wanna.”
“Okay. You go take your turn. I’ll be right there.” He jogged downstairs. “Rosie? Honey?”
“I here, Popsy.” She was in the living room, watching Giada cooking lasagna.
“You don’t want to tell Alex hi?”
“Nope.”
“Okay. Well, you don’t have to.”
Eyes firmly set on the TV, her chin went up in a stubborn angle. “Not gonna.”
“He’s coming home in a couple of days.” Oh, his girl. So angry.
“I don’t gotta talk—you said so.”
“I did. Okay. I’m going to go back to the computer. I love you.”
“Love you, Popsy.”
He ran back to the computer where the girls were chatting. He heard Alex chuckling, and he was glad they were making him laugh.
He grabbed a Coke, then leaned and waited.
“And I wrote a poem about a bird. My teacher said it was very good,” Daisy was saying.
“Can you recite it to me?” Lord bless him, Alex actually sounded interested.
“I heard a little word, about a little bird. It was very absurd, about a little bird!”
Alex clapped. “That’s wonderful, Daisy. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. Hearing that and speaking with you guys has made my
week.”
“Okay, come on, guys. Alex needs to rest. Go on.”
“No Rosie?” Alex asked.
“She was busy.” She didn’t want to; she’s angry.
Alex’s expression said he’d maybe figured that out. “Give her my love, please?”
“I will. She’s just a little girl, Alex.”
“I know, babe. I meant it—give her my love.” Alex reached out and touched the screen, the gesture becoming increasingly familiar. “I miss you. So much.”
“I miss you, honey. I’ll see you in a couple of days.”
“Yeah. As long as they can find us a plane to take us out.” Alex rolled his eyes. “I’ve got my fingers crossed.”
Ryan nodded. “Me too. Get some rest if you can.”
“I’ll try.” It didn’t look like Alex’s trying had been working so far.
“Well… you do want to come back here, right? You can sleep. I’ll keep the girls quiet.” As he could.
“Of course I want to come back. You and the girls are what’s keeping me going this time out.”
“Okay.” Good. Good. He could figure this out. He wasn’t a selfish bastard. He could manage this whole thing.
“If you still want me, of course,” Alex added, like it had just occurred to him that maybe Ryan didn’t.
“Don’t be silly. I love you. I want you to come home.”
“Oh.” Alex’s whole face brightened up. “I love you too, Ryan.”
“I’m glad.” He chuckled. “I guess I should have waited until you got home, huh?”
“No. It’s important to say stuff when you can. That’s one thing this job has taught me. You never know what’s going to happen tomorrow, so say it today.” Alex touched the screen again, stroking it.
“Two days. I’m going to see you soon. Two days.”
“I can’t wait. Love you,” Alex said again, laughing softly, looking honestly happy beneath the exhaustion.
“Sleep. Go. I love you, you dork.” He felt lighter, like he could breathe. “I think we should get you a computer desk and your own bureau.”
“I love that. It’s home because you and the girls are there, but that would make it feel more… solid.”
“I’ll start looking, but when you get home you can pick.” A man needed furniture.