‘This thing?’ she said, once again feeling her blood pressure rise. ‘This thing is a tiny little baby, our baby. It may not be planned, but it’s not something to be ashamed of, either.’
But as Beth talked she could see Tom straighten his back and clench his fists. It was something she had seen him do a million times in board meetings when he wasn’t getting his way.
‘If you’re not going to get rid of this baby, then what do you want me to say? Are you expecting me to bend down on one knee and propose? For us to announce our love to the world and begin life as a happy family? That was never the plan. You know that. And what about work? Have you told anyone? This news could ruin us.’
Beth looked at Tom as if he was a stranger. This couldn’t be the man she was about to have a baby with.
‘I’m not expecting a diamond ring. You know I can buy myself any jewellery I want,’ she said angrily. Tom knew money and material items were not something Beth had to worry about. She earned great money, and was self-sufficient. It was support and love she craved for. ‘And no, I’ve haven’t told anyone in the flipping office.’
Tom looked at Beth, seeing again the hard-talking self-assured woman he knew and worked with. He seemed to soften.
‘I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just, you know me, I’m at a place in my life where work – and of course a little fun – is what I want. It’s what I’ve worked towards. And spending nights pacing the floor with some screaming infant is not my plan. And I know it’s not what you want, either, so let’s leave ourselves open to all the options, and try not let this mistake ruin our relationship.’
Beth looked at Tom as he began eating. He hadn’t once asked her how she felt, or when exactly the baby was due. Suddenly she felt trapped. She needed to get out of the restaurant.
‘I need to go home,’ she said, as she reached for her handbag and put her black cardigan on.
‘What?’ said Tom. ‘OK, let’s go and discuss this situation more in my place. We’ve a lot to talk about.’
‘No,’ she said. ‘I want to go to my own apartment.’
Tom said nothing. ‘Oh, it would be handier to go to mine. I’ve got golf with some new clients at 8 a.m. and my clubs and gear are all in Dalkey. So let’s just go there.’
‘Golf? I’ve just told you I’m pregnant and all you care about is golf?’
Tom looked impatient. ‘Beth, I’ve told you how I feel about this. I don’t want a child. I already have two children, and that’s plenty.’
Beth looked at him in disgust, and for once felt huge pity for his ex-wife. How could she have had two children with a man like him?
She knew they needed to talk more, but not tonight. She grabbed her coat and made for the exit, and as she pushed through the doors and walked out on to the street Tom hurried after her.
‘There’s no need to make a scene. Listen, we’re both in shock. Maybe we both need a night alone to think about it all, and we can talk more about this tomorrow. OK?’
Beth knew it was not a suggestion but an order. She put her hand out and hailed a taxi.
Tom gave her a kiss on the cheek as she got into the back of the car, but she didn’t kiss him back.
As the taxi drove off Beth saw Tom standing there alone on the street. He seemed relieved Beth and their problem were safely heading off in a different direction from where he was going. She felt she was going to be sick. It had been a horrible night. And as the taxi sped to Sandymount she sat shaking in the back of the car. She had never been so annoyed, disappointed and alone in her life.
Beth walked into her apartment. It felt cold and empty. She put on the heating and turned the TV on, but she still felt so alone. Tom had broken her heart. She had rehearsed everything she had planned to say to him, but nothing had come out right. It had all happened so quickly. She’d known he wouldn’t be over the moon with the unexpected news, but she had never expected his cold, clinical and heartless response. And his even suggesting abortion had completely shaken her. It still all felt unreal.
This can’t be happening, Beth thought. She wanted to go back to her old life. She had only been pregnant for seven weeks, but already she could divide her life into the old and new version. The carefree years were over. The grown-up part of her life was really beginning. She didn’t know what to do. She could accurately tell people which were the best shares to invest in, she could name the heads of every financial institution in Europe, but now she felt helpless. Could she persuade Tom to be happy about having the baby? And if not, could she really have it on her own? How would she manage? And how could she tell people she was having a baby with a man who wanted her to abort it?
She hadn’t told most of her friends about Tom, so it was going to be hard now, to confess to them about him and their unexpected baby. Beth was suddenly filled with such regret. I shouldn’t have let our relationship be so secretive and under wraps, she thought. So what if he is divorced? I should have made him come out with my friends. Should have brought him to dinner at my dad’s, should have told everyone in work. If I had done all of that, then being pregnant wouldn’t be such a problem now. How did I let myself get into this situation? she asked herself.
Suddenly her phone rang. It was Tom. She ignored his call. She had nothing to say to him. He had made it clear how he felt, and now no matter what he told her she could never forget what he had already said, and how he had made her feel. Beth had been shocked and upset when she’d first realized she was pregnant, but then the last few days she had started to feel a little excited, and more and more interested in what was happening inside her. She hadn’t been quite ready to shout her news from the rooftops, but at least she had begun to see that being pregnant wasn’t so bad. As a little girl she had dreamt of becoming a mum, and even though that dream had been on hold for many years, it was coming true. Even though it was not happening in exactly the way she planned, it was still a little bit magical. And she was so annoyed at Tom for spoiling that excitement. For making her feel this baby was a big problem and a mistake.
She caught a glimpse of the diamond bracelet he had given her. She pulled it off her wrist as she sat down and took off her shoes. She had been feeling physically exhausted the last few weeks, and working long hours hadn’t helped. But tonight she felt mentally exhausted, too. She made herself a cup of tea, but instantly felt sick from the smell of it. She felt nauseated all day every day. She hadn’t actually vomited much, and she knew she was lucky, as some women were really unwell for weeks, but it still made everyday life hard. She poured herself a glass of water instead, and sat down at her round glass kitchen table. It was 10 p.m. on a Friday night, and she was completely alone. She could hear the two lads from the apartment above her having a party. They were always having parties. She sat listening to the music and the sounds of a good night. She didn’t mean to, but she started crying. So this is what I have ahead of me, she thought. While everyone else will be out partying, or playing golf, I will be stuck in this apartment trying to raise a baby on my own. She tried to picture where a crib would fit, or how she would lift a buggy up the communal stairs, and suddenly felt claustrophobic. I can’t do this. I can’t do this on my own.
She felt her heart race and sweat pour down her face. Suddenly she wanted out. And Tom’s get-out plan of action came back to her. Maybe with another man and at another time this would work, but it isn’t going to now, so maybe I should end it, she thought. Take Tom’s advice and book myself a flight to England. No one knows I’m pregnant. She hadn’t even had the nerve to tell her father yet, so no one would ever know. She ran through the logistics of it. She had plenty of holiday time to use up, and if she rang some clinics on Monday she was sure she could find someone who could help her.
For a second she considered it. But then she thought of her little baby, the lower case o, and felt horrified. Even if no one else knew, I would, she thought. Even if no one ever found out, I would know for ever. How could I even think about it? I don’t agree with abortion. H
ow could I even consider ending a little baby’s life? She felt disgusted with herself. She began crying again. She cried and cried, gulping back air and tears. She felt like the worst person in the world. Suddenly she wanted nothing more than to have this baby, her baby. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she said over and over to her little o.
Eventually she dragged herself to bed, but it took hours for her to go to sleep. She kept reliving the night over and over in her head. From Tom’s heartless reaction to her moment of madness in thinking she could do away with her baby. She pulled her duvet up over her head, trying to block out the bad memories. Her mind raced, but as the hours passed and the party above her ended she finally came to a conclusion. Tom might have let her down, but she was going to have this baby with or without him, and even though she knew nothing about being pregnant, labour or raising a child, she would learn. She dreaded so much of it, and knew her life was about to change completely, but something deep inside her was saying she might just be able to do it.
24
‘I STILL LOVE you. We can make us work. But you know how I feel about this baby.’
Beth gazed at Tom Maloney as they sat in his big living room. Tom had a CD of his favourite classical music playing in the background, and a large gas fire glowing. As he sipped on a glass of red wine, she noticed how the scene looked like a perfect romantic night in. But, as she gulped back her glass of water and tried to ignore her constant nausea, she realized how far from idyllic the situation was. They had both avoided being alone for almost two weeks, ever since that fateful night at Peploe’s. Beth would never forget what Tom had said. She had ignored his phone calls and text messages. In work neither had wanted to talk about it, but even so Beth had found excuses to be busy whenever Tom came near her. But when he had suggested they sit down and talk properly in his house after work one night, she’d known she had to agree.
‘You have your career to think about too, you know,’ Tom said, as he tried to hold her hand.
‘What does that mean?’ she said accusingly, shaking him off and moving further away on the couch.
‘You’re very good at what you do. You’re smart, quick-thinking, precise and reliable. You’re one of the best employees we’ve ever had. You could go all the way.’
Beth acknowledged the compliment.
‘But how will six months of maternity leave affect that?’ he asked. ‘We all know having a baby affects women.’
Beth looked at him, horrified.
‘You can’t be serious. That kind of thinking went out with the Stone Age. There are thousands of very successful working mothers.’
‘OK. Well, how many successful female senior portfolio managers with children do you know?’
Beth was caught off-guard. She knew there must be some, but for the life of her she couldn’t think of a single one.
‘That’s irrelevant. I was the youngest female to become a SPM in Burlington, so I’m sure I can set the bar for working mums, too.’
‘That’s what I love about you. Your drive, your determination to succeed, and your inner belief,’ Tom said, smiling. ‘But I’m trying to tell you how, even with all those, when people have a baby their life changes.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with change,’ said Beth, who over the last few weeks had realized all the changes she should have made years ago. She should have focused less on her career and put more work into her relationships, both with men and women. She had always been too busy to spend much time with her girlfriends. She loved meeting them, but between working hard to build up her career and trying to find time to spend with Tom, she knew she had let some of her friendships slide. And with no siblings to turn to, either, she had felt very alone the last few weeks.
‘I’m just trying to make you realize all the sacrifices that come with having a baby, and that your career is inevitably going to suffer.’
‘And what about your career? Or is it only my life that the baby will affect?’
‘We both have a lot of decisions to make, but you know how I feel about this. I want you, but I don’t want another baby. I’m in my fifties. At this stage it’s not about babies, I’ve got my career to focus on. I’m sorry to upset you, but honestly, that’s how I feel.’
And that was it, Beth had her answer. And now she just had to make the decision: a life with Tom or raising a child alone? It only took one heartbeat.
She stood up and took a last look around the room that was filled with Markey Robinson paintings and expensive crystal.
‘You’ve worked hard and it’s paid off. But sometimes it’s not about work. I’ve planned every inch of my life, been careful and always played it safe, but now it’s all been turned upside down. I have no idea how my life will change, and how it will pan out, but I’ve got to go with my heart and not my head. I’m sorry you don’t want this child, but I do.’
It took every ounce of strength for Beth to say it. Every inch of courage to decide to leave the man she had loved and have a baby alone, but it felt right.
Neither of them said anything for a while. Beth watched the fire, while Tom gazed at her.
‘Are you sure about this?’ he said, obviously shaken. ‘Because you know what it means? I don’t want to raise this baby. You understand that?’
She nodded.
Tom covered his face with his hands. He was stressed, and for once not in control of the situation.
‘But how will this work? What will we tell everyone?’ he finally asked.
Beth had no idea what would happen, but having a baby alone would be better than losing one just so she could keep a man.
‘I don’t know. We can think about it. I won’t tell anyone yet, at least not until I’m twelve weeks.’
‘And will you tell them I’m the father?’
‘Tom! We’re not a pair of fifteen-year-olds who just got caught having sex! We’re adults, and we’re old enough to have kids whether we stick together or not. It’s not some big scandal.’
‘For me it would be,’ he whispered.
Beth knew she had Tom over a barrel now. But as much as he’d hurt her, she knew it would be hard telling everyone she was pregnant by one of the directors. She would need to think this through.
‘I don’t know what I’ll do.’
He looked slightly relieved. Beth had never felt so completely turned off by a man as she did now. She could feel acid in her throat. How could I have loved someone who reacts like this? she asked herself. She was starting to realize that she might have good business acumen and judgement, but her ability to see clearly what kind of man she was with had been off kilter.
‘I have to go. We can work out the details another time,’ she said. She wanted to get out of his house. She never wanted to see it again.
‘Of course I can look after all the financial costs. I can guarantee that.’
Beth said nothing. She knew money was not a problem for him, so offering to pay her doctor and hospital fees was hardly a big gesture. She might take him up on it, but for now she was hardly going to gush over his generosity.
As she reached the hall door she turned to Tom, who was still looking pale.
‘I thought I knew what kind of man you were. But I realize I’ve wasted a lot of time on someone not willing to go the distance. This is your baby, but if you’re not man enough to own up to your responsibilities, then at least I know that now, and I’ll make sure your child does, too. It seems all the money in the world can’t buy you a heart.’
And with that Beth managed to find the strength to run down his long driveway and just about make it into her car before sobbing uncontrollably.
There was no going back now. Herself and Tom were over. She was having this baby on her own.
Beth’s hands were shaking as she turned her car engine on. She was still crying, but determined that Tom would not see her upset. She pulled away from his house. As she drove through affluent Dalkey her mind raced. The last few weeks all felt so dreamlike. She didn’t look any different, she didn’t
have any bump, yet there was this little thing inside her that might have been small but was big enough to have changed her life for ever.
Beth pulled her car in on Vico Road, and sat and watched the lights of all the huge family houses that looked out over the Irish Sea. She had come from a family with just one other person, her dad, and as loving as he was she had always felt lonely. No mum, no brothers and sisters. She had vowed that if and when she ever got married and had kids she would have a big house full of children, noise and love. But now she was about to bring a baby into the same environment that she had grown up in, only worse, because at least she’d had her mum for ten years. This little baby would have no dad. How would it cope? Already Beth felt protective towards her little unborn child. She only wanted the best for him or her.
Beth was overwhelmed with emotion. From the break-up with Tom to the fear of how she would cope alone, it was all too much. She needed to tell someone about it, to have them reassure her that it would all be OK, that she could do this. She didn’t know who to call. The news of her pregnancy would shock all her friends. But then she looked at her watch and realized it was almost midnight, and too late to call any of them. She sat in her car and looked out of the window, watching the moonlight reflect off the tide. Suddenly she got the urge to drive somewhere she hadn’t been for quite a while. She turned the engine on and headed to her real home – where her dad was.
Beth drove through the old iron gates and parked her car on the gravel next to her dad’s spotless old Jaguar. She felt nervous. She hadn’t planned to tell him yet, but there was no one else to turn to tonight. Suddenly, it occurred to her that he might be out, or in bed, but then she saw light streaming from his front living room window. She walked up to it and through the curtains saw him sitting in his blue and white pyjamas, watching an old movie and sipping a cup of tea. She saw the empty couches: he looked so small sitting alone in there. She started crying again. All this time she had thought she was the only one who was lonely, but here he was, by himself on a Friday night, with no one even to watch TV with. All at once, she felt so guilty for not spending more time with him.
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