Weeks? Dusty didn’t know what to say. The words hung in the silence as though they’d been skewered and tacked to the air itself. She’d heard them, could see them and, worst of all, felt them like a cold snake tightening its coils around her heart. All those opportunities she’d had to tell Tess how she felt, the times she’d let herself be interrupted and hadn’t gone back to try again, all those intentions, and yet, she’d blown her chance. Or had she ever really had one? They’ve been dating for weeks.
“You didn’t know?” Eve’s question rang like a distant bell.
“What?” Dusty focused to find her staring at her.
“You didn’t know.” This time it was a statement. Eve eased the refrigerator closed.
“No.” Dusty collected her thoughts. She didn’t know. “But, hey…why should I?” Her voice threatened to break, but she steeled herself. Right, why should she? She wasn’t anything to Tess. She got up from her chair. “I’m gonna go take a shower.”
“Are you okay?” Eve asked.
“Yeah. Fine.” Dusty replaced the lid on the container of chicken. She rinsed out her glass and put it in the dishwasher, trying to ignore the trembling in her hands and the churning in her stomach.
Eve watched her. “How strong are your feelings for her?”
“They’re nothing,” Dusty said, her tone flat. “We sleep together sometimes. That’s it. And we haven’t even done that for a while now. See? Everything’s fine.”
“It hasn’t been that long. The night of the party, I—”
“Drop it.” Dusty turned her back. She opened the refrigerator to put away the chicken and clenched her eyes shut. She remembered Tess that night—gorgeous, sexy, and, apparently, with a date—and afterward, she’d come to Dusty. She’d had a date that night, and she’d come to Dusty for sex. Dusty had almost said I love you, and Tess had just been there for sex. Jeez, what a chump. Why would that night have been any different, though? Sex was all they’d ever had. She held back the tears that threatened.
“Dusty?” Eve’s tone was tender—too tender.
Dusty straightened and hardened her emotions. “I’m fine, Eve. Just leave me alone.” She slammed the refrigerator door. “I’m fine. You’re fine. Tess is fine. Tess’s date—I’m sure—is fine. Everybody’s fine, okay?” She stalked from the room and headed upstairs.
In the shower, her tears mingled with the flow of hot water washing over her face and down her body. How could she have been so stupid? But how, exactly, had she been stupid? Was she stupid for thinking that if she shared her feelings with Tess they might be able to explore a relationship together, or was she stupid for not sharing those feelings before Tess started seeing someone else? Regardless, she had a hard time believing that Tess would date someone while she was still sleeping with Dusty, not necessarily for Dusty’s sake, but for that of the other woman. It didn’t seem like something Tess would do, and yet, it seemed that’d been her plan.
What did Dusty know about Tess, anyway? She knew the roughness of denim against Tess’s most tender flesh made her wet. She knew Tess could almost come from just having her nipples sucked if done just the right way. She knew the top of Tess’s clit was more sensitive than the underside. She knew the exact amount of pressure and how deeply to apply it to make Tess come the hardest. But so what? What did all that matter when Tess could be with someone in her own league?
Dusty knew other things, though, too. She’d noticed Tess’s favorite coffee was spiced butter rum with a splash of vanilla creamer and she liked it best on the patio in the morning sunshine. She knew Tess liked watching the movie Groundhog Day but switched the TV to PBS if she heard someone coming. She’d figured out that when Tess bit her lower lip, it meant she was unsure of herself. She even knew Tess had called 1-800-FUN-COLOR and voted for the blue M&M to replace the tan ones—Dusty had voted for purple. Evidently, though, none of that counted for anything, either. Dusty was just good for sex.
As she turned off the water and grabbed a towel, Rebecca’s voice drifted into her head. With all the women you’ve used sexually, if you hold on to the guilt you feel about it, you might need to experience how it feels to be on the other end in order to be free from it all.
This was it—the other end—and, boy, did it suck.
“Do I have to?” Dusty remembered asking.
“Not necessarily,” Rebecca had said. “You could forgive yourself right now and be done with it.”
“Then I don’t have to be punished?”
Rebecca laughed. “It isn’t punishment. It’s just the way the Law of Cause and Effect works. What you send out always comes back, but it comes back to where you were, or who you were, when you sent it. If you’ve moved on—forgiven yourself, grown, and changed—then you aren’t in the same place when it returns.”
Obviously, Dusty hadn’t moved on. So, why bother, now? Life had been fine when she just had sex with women and kept her heart to herself, and there were always women like her who were just looking for a one-night stand, no strings, no complications, no commitments. She’d just stick to those and be careful not to hook up with anyone who wanted more. It’d been over a month since she and Tess had last been together. Maybe she could get into an anonymous encounter. One thing she was sure of, though, she couldn’t just sit around at home and think about what Tess might be doing on her date. If it was time for Tess to move on, it was time for Dusty, too.
Dressed in her tightest black jeans and a tank top that’d proven popular in the past, she checked on Maggie, set a tall glass of water and two aspirin on her nightstand, left the bedroom door open for Baxter, and went downstairs. The house was quiet. The stillness, the emptiness, merely reinforced her decision to go out for the evening. The atmosphere that usually felt peaceful and soothing now held a lonely aura. She slipped into her leather jacket and closed the front door behind her.
*
As she stepped into Vibes, she took in the scene. The music’s beat pulsed through her. It felt familiar and strange at the same time. When was the last time she’d been here? Had it been the night she’d seen Addison and Victoria? She shook the memory. Tonight was for now, for living in the moment with no yesterdays, no tomorrows. Tonight was for getting lost and getting—
“Hey, stranger,” a voice called from a nearby table. “Where ya been?”
Dusty smiled and waved and greeted several other friends on her way to the bar. She slipped onto a stool and winked at the bartender. “Hey, Char, got anything for me tonight?”
“I got plenty for you, lover, but I don’t get off till two.” Charlotte arched a waxed eyebrow as she tucked the end of a towel into her back pocket. She planted her hands on her ample hips.
Dusty grinned. “I’d get you off way before two.”
A slow smile claimed Charlotte’s full lips. “Yeah, you would,” she said, leaning forward and resting her elbows on the bar. The open top two buttons of her white shirt revealed generous cleavage. “But then you’d have to pay my rent.”
Dusty laughed. “Okay, then. How ’bout a beer?”
“You got it, sugar.” In a matter of seconds, Charlotte set a Corona in front of Dusty. “Where have you been?” she asked with a glint in her topaz eyes. “There’s a pool going on for when your obit was going to show up.”
Dusty took a long swallow. “It hasn’t been that long.”
Charlotte laughed. “It’s been longer than ever before. Nobody’s seen you. I even heard one rumor that some jealous cop husband got a hold of you.”
Dusty smiled. She shook her head. “Do people stay awake all night making this stuff up?”
“Well, when one of our permanent fixtures disappears, we start to wonder.” Charlotte held up a finger to a woman down the bar. “So everything’s okay?”
You mean, other than feeling like my heart just got dragged over a cheese grater? Dusty nodded. “Yeah, everything’s great.”
Charlotte squeezed her arm. “It’s good to see you.”
“You, too.”
As Charlotte went back to work, Dusty turned on her stool and watched the crowd. It was a pretty good one for a Wednesday night, and she knew it’d get bigger as the time got a little later. She’d have plenty of women to choose from. She nursed her beer and chatted with other friends and acquaintances that came over to find out what she’d been up to. She even joined a group at their table for a while. When her beer was gone, she returned to Charlotte and ordered another. As she took it, she heard a familiar laugh. She turned. She stared at Eve seated at the end of the bar sandwiched between Jodi Van something-or-other, a successful entertainment lawyer but weak in bed, and a leering Steph Brooks, a well-known Domme. Was this what she’d meant when she’d said she’d find someone who was willing? Dusty doubted Jodi could teach her much of anything, and Steph’s classroom, Dusty was sure, was more specialized than Eve had in mind.
She rose and strode down the length of the bar. “Ladies,” she said as she came to the trio.
“Well, if it isn’t Lusty Dusty,” Steph said. “I saw you down there earlier and was going to come see if you wanted to play, but I got distracted.”
The old nickname felt oddly like an outgrown pair of shoes. She ignored it. “I see that.” Steph had been trying for years to get Dusty to do a scene with her, and Dusty did occasionally enjoy some kink, but there was something about Steph that felt more sleazy than arousing.
“Dusty!” Eve giggled. She held up her drink. “Let’s toast. Isn’t this fun? I’ve never been to a lesbian bar before.”
Dusty gazed at her. “How many of those have you had?”
“Several. And I plan to have several more, but it’s okay because I’ve been dancing.”
“Yeah, Eve’s quite a dancer,” Steph said with a hint of suggestion. “Especially in those shoes. Remember, later,” she said to Eve. “I’d like to see you in just those shoes.”
Eve blushed but smiled.
“Yeah, well, I don’t think that’s gonna happen,” Dusty said, keeping her eyes on Eve. “This isn’t the way to do this.”
“Oh, really?” Eve asked. “Does that mean you’ve changed your mind? Are you going to help me?”
“No,” Dusty said with as much patience as she could manage. “But I’m not gonna let you do this either. You don’t know what you’re getting into.”
“You don’t have anything to say about it.” Eve downed the last swallow of her drink. “You weren’t interested, so I’m making some new friends.”
Dusty felt Steph watching them. “Eve, c’mon. Let’s go.” She took her hand and coaxed her off the barstool.
Eve stood eye level with Dusty in the spiked heels and slipped her arms around her neck. She pressed against her. “Are you going to teach me?”
Dusty grasped Eve’s elbows and pulled her arms down. “No,” she said firmly, setting her back a pace.
“Teach her?” Steph said, enjoyment lighting her expression. “What’re you going to teach her, Dusty?”
“Nothing. We’re gonna go.”
“That’s right, nothing.” Eve pulled away and sat back down. “So, you go, and I’ll stay here with my new friends, and maybe they’ll teach me.”
“Sure, honey. I’ll teach you anything you want to learn.” Steph’s tone sounded more interested than before. “You could join us if you want, Dusty. Maybe I’ll even give you some pointers.”
“Hey, I’m going to head out,” Jodi said with a nervous laugh. She’d been so quiet Dusty had forgotten she was there.
“Okay, see ya,” Dusty said. One down, but not the persistent one. “No, thanks,” she said to Steph. “And Eve’s going with me.” She reached again for Eve’s hand.
“No, I’m not,” Eve said. “You had your chance. I’m staying.”
Steph laughed. “Are you two a couple?” she asked with obvious astonishment.
“No,” they said in unison.
“Well then, I think Eve can make up her own mind.” Steph gave Dusty a tantalizing smile. “Why don’t you take off and let us get to know each other?”
“Yeah,” Eve said, her voice hard. “I don’t need your help, anymore.”
Hesitating, Dusty looked from Eve to Steph and back again. She knew she shouldn’t leave them, but she couldn’t very well drag Eve off against her will. She thought of Maggie’s initial concerns about Dusty being around Eve at all, about Tess being angry at her for the part she believed Dusty played in Maggie being drunk. They’d probably both have something to say about her leaving Eve drinking with a dominatrix, but why should she care about what they thought? Maggie had yelled at her, and Tess was on a date without so much as a word to her about it. And Eve…The only thing that would make Eve happy would be for Dusty to instruct her in Lesbian Sex 101. To hell with all of them.
“Fine,” Dusty said. “Do whatever you want.”
“Fine,” Eve said. “I will.”
Dusty ordered another beer and sat at the opposite end of the bar. She listened to the music, chatted with Charlotte, even checked out a few women who were checking her out, but she couldn’t get into it. Between keeping tabs on Eve with Steph and imagining Tess kissing some woman named JoAnn, she lost her train of thought before she could act on it. The bottom line was she didn’t want any of these women. She considered going home but still couldn’t bear the idea of the empty house, and Tess’s potentially empty room.
“Buy you a drink?”
The soft voice and words registered at the same instant as the warm breath in her ear and the cool touch on the bare skin of her shoulder. She turned to find herself nose to nose with a brown-eyed brunette. Tess. Her breath caught, but it wasn’t Tess. She eased back and raised her bottle. “I have one. Thanks.”
“I know.” The woman smiled. “But I had to say something.” She slid onto the barstool beside her.
Dusty forced a chuckle.
“Do you remember me?”
Dusty tensed. She hated these moments. Usually, she tried to fake it or come up with some clever response, but tonight, she had nothing. She shook her head. “Sorry.”
“I’m Trena.”
Dusty nodded. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m—”
“I know.” Trena smiled again, amusement in her eyes.
“Oh, yeah.” Behind Trena, Dusty saw Steph move closer to Eve and slip an arm around her. Eve nestled against her. Steph met Dusty’s stare and grinned.
“You look sad,” Trena said, recapturing Dusty’s attention.
Dusty picked at the Corona label. “I think I am,” she admitted for the first time all evening, maybe for the first time in her life.
“Want to talk about it?”
Dusty regarded her. “Naw.” She glanced back to Eve. “It’s a long story.”
Trena looked over her shoulder. “Is that who you’re sad about?”
“Huh? Who? Eve?” Dusty laughed. “No. That’s an even longer story.” She took a drink of her beer.
“You know, the night I met you, I was really sad.” Trena’s voice was soft. “And lost.” She paused.
Dusty turned to her, curious.
“I thought I was straight. Then I met this girl and I felt things for her I’d never felt before. I wanted to do things with her I never knew I wanted.” Trena cocked her head to one side.
Dusty nodded. She knew those things.
“But when I told her, she freaked out. She called me a pervert and said I made her sick. She said…well, you get it.” Trena gave a little shrug.
“Yeah. I got it.” Dusty shifted to face her more fully.
“She told me she never wanted to see me again. I was pretty upset and confused. But, most of all, my heart was broken.”
Dusty felt the pain of Eve’s earlier words—they’ve been dating for weeks. She blinked against the burn of tears.
“And then one night, I came here,” Trena said. Something flickered in her velvet brown eyes, Tess’s eyes. “And I met you, and we left together. And you showed me a whole new world.” Tenderly, she wiped away the moisture fro
m a tear Dusty hadn’t realized had rolled down her cheek. “You showed me how amazing those things I wanted could be, and you made sure I knew there was nothing wrong with them—or me. And I just wanted to say thank you.”
Dusty drew in a breath. “I don’t know what to say.” She supposed she could’ve said that with all the ways she’d screwed up in her life, she’d really needed to hear that something she’d done had made a difference to someone. She knew she wouldn’t get that out tonight without ending up a blubbering mess, though.
Trena smiled. “And my girlfriend…” She turned and looked to a table where a group of women sat, watching.
Dusty followed her gaze.
One of the women raised her glass to Dusty.
“She thanks you, too,” Trena said. “I met her a few weeks after you, after you and I spent the night together, and I knew what I wanted was okay. And we’ve been together ever since.”
Dusty raised her beer to the woman in return.
The woman smiled.
“So,” Trena said. “I just wanted you to know how important that one night was to me and how important you were.”
Dusty cleared her throat. “Thank you,” she said. “You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.” Over Trena’s shoulder, she saw Steph and Eve stand. Eve stumbled into Steph as they began to walk toward the door. “Damn it.”
Trena looked to them. “Is everything okay?”
“Look, I’m really sorry. I gotta go,” Dusty said as she rose. “But thank you for telling me all that.”
Trena stood and touched Dusty’s cheek. “Thank you.” She smiled and started back to her table and her waiting girlfriend.
“Hey, Trena, can I ask you something?” Dusty said as she pulled on her jacket.
“Sure.”
“If you’d met your girlfriend first, would you have wanted to do all that for the first time with her?”
“Well, I wouldn’t have met her without my night with you because I—”
“But just say you did. Would you have wanted her to be the first?”
Trena looked to her girlfriend with a loving expression then back to Dusty. “Yes, I think I would have.”
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