So, now that she was being more honest, what did she really feel? Nothing came. She opened her eyes and stared at the very spot where Addison had been standing, where Victoria had been kneeling. She hadn’t been able to do that before. In fact, she had slept in Tess’s room for several nights following the incident—the first purely for the comfort of a close friend, the next two because she couldn’t bear the image of Addison and Victoria against the armoire. Finally, on the fourth night, she had forced it from her mind and reclaimed her bedroom.
Now, she recalled it.
A sharp pain pierced her heart. She sat with it and let it be. Okay, there was that to deal with, particularly if she and Addison ended their partnership. She let it be.
Then came the anger, certainly from that night, but now there was something else—something beneath the anger. What was it? Relief? Was that possible? She surprised herself with the revelation. This was it, the very situation she had been so afraid of for so long, and now here it was before her. Uncomfortable, painful, staggering even, but it still wasn’t as horrible as she had always imagined. It wasn’t the end of the world—not even the end of her world. She didn’t know if it meant their relationship was over, but she knew she would go on. Her life would go on, although differently, perhaps. Hadn’t it already begun to change, though?
Suddenly, she was free of the fear she had lived with, the anxiety that Addison would need to be with other women, to experience more than just Maggie. It had happened, and she knew she would survive—more than survive. It might take a little while, it would take some grieving, but she would be okay. A weight lifted from her heart. She nodded. She would be okay. She eased the covers back and slipped out of bed.
Following a thorough brushing of her teeth, another tall glass of water, and a long, hot shower, she headed downstairs feeling much more human. Between the pounding in her head subsiding to a dull ache and her true realization—not just lip service—that she would be fine regardless of what happened, she felt capable of facing the day. She found Tess stretched out on the sofa grading papers and Baxter sunning himself in front of the windows. He came to her and nuzzled her hand.
“Good morning.” Tess smiled. “You look much better.”
“I am much better,” Maggie said with her newfound resolution. “As embarrassed as I am about you and Dusty havin’ to deal with me the way I was yesterday, wakin’ this mornin’ with a hangover did me some good. It made me think about a few things.”
Tess laughed. “Whatever works.” She drew her legs up and made room for Maggie to sit with her.
“Yes. I never thought I’d be grateful for havin’ too much to drink.” Maggie ran her hand over Tess’s foot. “Thank you for bein’ so sweet and helpin’ Dusty get me to bed.”
“You know you don’t have to thank me.”
Maggie gave her a tender look. “Is Dusty around this mornin’?” she asked. She felt her cheeks warm.
“I haven’t seen her.” Tess looked away before rising. “What can I make you for breakfast?”
“Oh, darlin’, you don’t need to be waitin’ on me. I can—”
“I know you can,” Tess said softly. “But you take care of everyone all the time. Let me take care of you this morning.”
Maggie chuckled. “Okay then. Nothin’ elaborate, though. My stomach’s a bit touchy. Maybe just some tea and toast?”
“Coming right up. Then you can tell me what you’ve been thinking about.”
“Thank you, luv.” Maggie smiled up at her. “I really need to apologize to Dusty. Did you see her last night?”
Tess shook her head. “She and Baxter were gone when I came downstairs. And I didn’t see her later when I got home.” Tess smiled, but her eyes held a hint of sadness. “I know you want to say you’re sorry, but don’t worry, Maggie. She knows you love her.”
Maggie nodded, her regret still lingering. She settled back onto the couch and tried to accept someone making her breakfast when she was perfectly capable of doing it herself.
The doorbell chimed its tune.
Maggie winced. She had to change that. She hurried to answer it before it rang again.
“Addison Rae-McInnis?” the man asked, staring at a clipboard.
“No,” Maggie said. “She isn’t home. May I help you?”
He looked up. “Uh, well, I don’t know. She was going to meet me here this morning.”
“I’m sorry,” Maggie said, confused. “When did she tell you that?”
“Oh…” He ran a hand over his short beard. “It’s been a couple of months. I’ve been finishing up some other jobs. I tried to call to confirm, but I must’ve written the number down wrong.” He stared at Maggie.
“I’m Maggie Rae-McInnis. I’m her…” Her words caught in the space of a flinch. “Partner. Can I help you with whatever it is you’re here for?”
The man looked away and scratched the back of his neck. “I don’t know.” He shifted his weight. “It was supposed to be a surprise. I think I blew it.”
Maggie smiled. “It’s not your fault. She obviously forgot, so why don’t you tell me what it is.”
He gave her a thoughtful look before his expression relaxed. “I’m Randy Silva.” He pulled a business card from his shirt pocket and handed it to her. “I’m a landscape architect and contractor. Addison hired me to build a gazebo in your backyard.”
A gazebo? That was a surprise. She couldn’t have been more caught off guard if he had told her he was there to raise a barn. She had wanted a gazebo beside the koi pond for years, but it had always seemed like such an extravagance. Any time they had discussed it, her practicality had won out. But now Addison had made the decision? Randy had said it was a surprise. “I’m sorry. When did you say she contacted you?”
“Let’s see.” He shuffled through some papers on his clipboard. “My guy came on the fourth of October to take the measurements, and…Oh, here it is. I got her initial call on September twenty-ninth.”
It was long before the Halloween party, so it wasn’t out of guilt. On the other hand, Maggie didn’t know exactly how long Addison’s affair had been going on. But September twenty-ninth? When was it she had first mentioned Victoria Fontaine?
“Ma’am?”
“Oh, goodness, I’m sorry.” Maggie flushed. “Things aren’t really…the same…as when she ordered this,” she said, not wanting to go into detail. “Perhaps we should just cancel the order, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble.”
Randy looked undeterred. “She’s already paid for two-thirds of it, and I’ve bought all the materials.” He hooked his thumb toward a truck at the curb.
Maggie weighed the options. Should she call Addison? No. She wouldn’t do that. She had made some progress in the processing of her emotions that morning, but she wasn’t ready to take the chance of hearing Victoria Fontaine in the background. Maybe it could be postponed. But what was the point of that? They were heading into the holidays when everything got more hectic in general. She didn’t want construction going on as well. And what was the harm? So, she would get her gazebo—hopefully not in exchange for Addison, but it was something she had wanted. “Okay,” she said finally. “Let’s go ahead and do it.”
When she returned to the living room, Tess had toast, tea, and marmalade on a tray on the coffee table. “Who was at the door?” she asked. As Maggie finished explaining the situation, Tess smiled. “That’s very sweet.”
“I just don’t know what to make of it.” Maggie took a bite of her toast.
“What do you mean?”
“Why now, with everything else goin’ on?”
“It sounds as though she ordered it before she met Victoria,” Tess said gently.
“Hmm. I can’t quite figure out the timin’. If it was before, at least I won’t have to work through any feelin’s of resentment that she did it out of guilt every time I look out into the yard or want to enjoy my coffee sittin’ in it. I’ve been tryin’ to figure out when she first mentioned the woman.” Maggie sti
ll had difficulty saying her name.
Tess looked thoughtful. “Wasn’t it the weekend Eve moved in? That Saturday Addison came home with the Chinese food and the two of you fought? I think that’s when you said she brought up meeting her and you talked about making your relationship a higher priority.”
She remembered. “Yes, you’re right.” Being reminded of that just confused her more. “And Eve moved in on October first.” So, Addison hadn’t done this out of guilt, but then, Maggie had already known that on some level. When Addison felt guilty, she withdrew as she had done during the last couple of weeks before the party. “Oh, Tess, I don’t know what to think of it all.” She sighed.
Tess took her hand. “I think it shows that whatever has been going on with Addison, whatever she was feeling prior to the affair, she hasn’t stopped loving you. She hasn’t stopped wanting to make you happy.”
Maggie shot her a sharp look, but she knew Tess was right. In her heart, regardless of anything else, she didn’t doubt that Addison loved her—no matter how twisted up and distorted it all seemed right now. She watched Randy and his helper stack lumber on the patio. “Her reason for comin’ by yesterday was to make sure I was okay with Pete’s passin’ and all.”
Tess squeezed her fingers.
She knew Addison cared. She knew Addison still loved her. And she loved Addison. That was a starting point. She recalled her conversation with Rebecca the morning Maggie had phoned her a few days after the party. There’s no right or wrong. Rebecca had been gentle, while still reminding Maggie that she had her work to do in this as well. She wasn’t a helpless victim. This is a time for both you and Addison to look at some things within yourselves. You don’t want to waste it.
Maggie hadn’t been ready to hear it then, but now…
It was the forgiveness piece, she remembered. That was the part she really hadn’t wanted to hear, the most important part. Rebecca had reminded Maggie of the guilt she still carried for cheating on and hurting Julia. God, does the woman ever forget anything? Maggie had shared that with her at a birthday party for Dusty several years earlier, for whatever reason. Maybe precisely so she would have that information now. Who knew?
Maggie wanted to be able to forgive Addison. She would have to, regardless of whether Addison decided she wanted to come home. She would certainly have to in order for them to remain in a life partnership, but even to be friends, she would need to be able to leave this behind them. And truthfully, she couldn’t imagine her life without Addison in it in some way.
And as Rebecca always pointed out, the only real forgiveness is self-forgiveness. It’s only through forgiving ourselves that we can let anyone else off the hook.
So there it was. Maggie knew what she needed to do. She would be seeing Addison in two days for Pete’s service and the following week for Thanksgiving dinner. She wanted both those days to be celebrations, unmuddied by undertones and tension, and she wanted to clear out anything she was holding on to that would get in the way of wherever their paths led them.
She ran her thumb over Tess’s hand and released it. “I think Baxter and I are goin’ to the beach today.”
Baxter lifted his head from the floor beside Maggie and pricked his ears.
“I have some things I need to let be washed away. To be free of, once and for all.” She smiled, and for the first time in weeks, felt it in her heart.
Chapter Twenty-two
Thanksgiving day, Addison stood in the shadows behind one thick tree trunk and watched Maggie at the foot of the waterfall.
Maggie’s face glowed from the spray and the flush from her hike. Her dark auburn hair shone in the sunlight, and her soft curves beneath jeans and a green, Rottweilers Rule T-shirt reminded Addison how good it felt to hold her. Maggie held out her arms and tilted back her head.
Addison knew at that precise moment she was enjoying the feel of the droplets landing on her face, aware of each one individually and the full sheet of water coating her skin at once. She thought of how Maggie loved to swim nude, reveling in the liquid caress on her body. She remembered that same expression of awe shaping Maggie’s features throughout so many moments of their life—while she watched a sunset, holding the hand of a child, the first time she’d seen Baxter as a puppy, gazing down from atop Addison as they made love.
Maggie was beautiful, not like Victoria in that hot, sexy way that turned every head in a room, but in that way that put everyone around her at peace, let everyone near feel loved. Addison missed her so much. She truly hoped her realization hadn’t come too late.
Tess walked up beside Maggie, Baxter at her heels, and slipped an arm around her.
Maggie encircled her waist and rested her head on her shoulder.
Addison missed that, too, her friends, her family, her dog. Everyone had tried. Tess had called her a couple of times, but the one conversation they’d had had been so strained that Addison couldn’t bear the thought of another one. After the first week of complete silence, Dusty had left messages incessantly, at least once a day, sometimes twice. Addison had met her for a beer one night, but she felt too guilty to do it again. For some reason, it seemed as though she’d let Dusty down almost as much as Maggie. She’d told herself that as time passed it would get easier, but it hadn’t. In truth, everything had gotten more difficult. She’d finally realized she just wanted to go home. How could she, though, after what she’d done?
Baxter dashed off after something in the trees on the other side of the falls, and Maggie and Tess sat down beside the water. They talked, but Addison was too far away to hear anything.
Had she made different choices, she’d most likely be sitting there with them today, involved in their conversation, rubbing Maggie’s back, smiling at Tess, or maybe tromping through the woods with Baxter. She glanced around her. She wouldn’t be hiding in a bunch of trees, watching like a stalker. Then again, had she made different choices, she wondered if she’d have the same appreciation for what she was seeing. She thought back to how she’d felt right before she’d met Victoria. She’d been restless, discontented. She’d known she still loved Maggie, but she’d felt something was missing in her life, or maybe it was that she’d missed out on something. She hadn’t been able to put it into words, into clear understanding. Now, she understood, but at what cost?
She remembered the evening Dusty had caught her at Vibes with Victoria—and, yes, she now realized she’d truly been caught that night. She now comprehended she was already cheating on Maggie at that time. She’d been in Victoria’s room earlier. She’d seen her naked and watched her dress. She knew what she was feeling on the dance floor. At any of those moments, she should’ve gone home, but she hadn’t. She’d stayed. She’d exchanged e-mails with Victoria, knowing where it was heading but denying it to herself. She’d even yelled at Dusty when Dusty had tried again to talk some sense into her.
How could she fix it? Or could she? Maggie had told her the previous week that the house was still her home, but did that mean their bed was still her bed? Did it mean Maggie was still hers, or did it just mean she could live there in one of the other rooms? They could set her up in the art studio, turning part of it into a bedroom, or maybe if things worked out well between Eve and Sammi, Addison could take Eve’s room.
Maggie stretched and eased down onto her back, her arms above her head.
Arousal swelled within Addison. She pictured Maggie naked, the bare skin of her full breasts dappled with the sunlight shining through the trees. She imagined herself on top of her, kissing her, the cool air fanning across their heated flesh. Addison had learned a few things from Victoria, had opened her mind, her body, to some new ideas and even to some she’d said no to in the beginning of her and Maggie’s relationship. Maggie had been the more adventurous, the one with more experience, but she’d deferred to Addison’s comfort level and seemed to enjoy what they did share. Victoria hadn’t given Addison a choice. She wanted what she wanted, when she wanted it, and she took it. Looking back, Addison almos
t wished Maggie had done the same, but then, she wouldn’t be Maggie.
Addison remembered the times Maggie had wanted to make love outside—once even right here at this waterfall—and the afternoon she’d asked Addison to go with her to The Pleasure Chest to buy some toys, and the night she’d tried to coax Addison into tying her hands and blindfolding her while they made love. Now, Addison wished she’d done all those things and more, now that she knew she could. Maggie had always voiced the concern that because they’d gotten together when Addison was so young, she’d not had the opportunity to experience a variety of lovers and discover what she really liked. Perhaps she’d been right.
Now, however, that Addison had experienced about fifteen lovers in Victoria alone, she knew she liked trying new things, and she’d found out she actually liked a lot of those new things. She’d learned how excited she became using a strap-on—yet another one of Maggie’s denied requests—and watching the arousal in the eyes of the woman beneath her build to orgasm then plunging in deep to eke every tremor of pleasure from her lover. She looked behind her into the thickening trees and found the perfect spot where she and Maggie could satiate each other with the breeze caressing their skin and vowed that if Maggie would take her back, it would be one of the first things they did.
Baxter bounded out of the water and dashed up to Maggie and Tess. He shook himself, spraying them with a blanket of droplets.
Both women shrieked.
“No, Baxter,” Maggie yelled through laughter.
Baxter stopped and rolled on the ground.
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