by Silhouettes
Nate laughed and brushed off my comment. “Whatever, fool. You will never get me in that shit you be wearin’. I don’t care if Jenay looks like Lola Falana or not, I’m stickin’ with my style.”
“Who in the fuck is Lola Falana? She must be ancient, ’cause I ain’t never heard of her.”
“She is one of the finest black women that ever walked this earth. And every time I see Jenay, I have dreams about her. If you dippin’ into that, you are one lucky-ass Negro.”
I shrugged, not really feeling lucky at all. As far as I saw it, it was just some pussy. Wasn’t sure if I was up to sex tonight, had other shit on my mind. Plus, it was the Fourth of July weekend. I had no desire to stay cooped up in my apartment, and Nate and I talked about going downtown on the St. Louis Riverfront, Fair St. Louis, to watch the fireworks. It was a yearly tradition and not too many folks in St. Louis missed out.
Nate and I decided to close the liquor store around six o’clock, so we could make it to Fair St. Louis before everything popped off. Since it was so damn hot outside, I changed into my white wife beater, cocked a cap to the side to shield the sun, and sported my shades.
Nate left the bibs at home, and settled for a pair of jean shorts, a T-shirt, and leather sandals. He knew better than to look like a damn fool with me, and as we rode the crowded Metrolink to downtown, he laughed about changing it up a bit.
“I didn’t want to hear your mouth, but don’t you ever think I’ma put my bibs away for you.”
“Ay, keep ’em. Don’t matter to me, but when the ladies don’t show you no love, don’t be mad at me.”
“I get love all the time, no matter what I wear. I keep tellin’ you that clothes don’t make a man. You’d better learn somethin’.”
“I feel you, no doubt. And you know I respect all the advice that you’ve ever given me.”
Nate nodded and looked ahead as we stood, holding on to the rail above so we wouldn’t fall. The Metrolink was getting more packed with each stop, and everyone had to squeeze in. When we reached the Arch grounds by the Riverfront, many got off. Nate and I headed toward the Arch, where many of the festivities took place.
“With all that’s going on around in St. Louis,” Nate said, “and with brothaman gettin’ shot the other day by the liquor store, are you sure you want to hang around in the Lou? I mean, a young man like you should have some plans ... big plans. I hope you’ve been thinkin’ about your future.”
“I have, but when I do think about it, I see it right here. I’m not runnin’ from nothin’ around here, and nothin’ surprises me at all. I’ve seen plenty of niggas lose their lives and die right in front of me. I’ve seen it all, Nate, and this is the way of life, ain’t it?”
“Not necessarily,” Nate replied. He turned his head as two chicks with very short shorts on walked by. He licked his lips and shook his head. “Did you see that gash on that skeeza? Umph, umph, umph!” He looked again, then got back to his conversation with me. “What you’ve been around and what you’re accustomed to ain’t always the way life is supposed to be. I like your style, Prince, and I like how you distance yourself from all of these hatin’ niggas around here. I know that comes from all that you’ve been through, and you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Just keep that attitude you got. You’ll see what else life has out here to offer you. It ain’t necessarily what you’ve seen, it’s what you haven’t had an opportunity to see yet.”
“I get that,” I said, stopping at a vender’s booth to get a turkey leg. I hadn’t eaten all day and was starving. “Do you want one?”
“Nah, I’ma get me some funnel cake and one of those Chicago-style hotdogs they be havin’. I’ll wait.”
We stood in the long line, waiting to get my turkey leg. I truly did understand what Nate was saying, but St. Louis was the only home I’d known and would probably be where I would be forever. Besides, Mama was here and I couldn’t see myself ever leaving her. I paid for my turkey leg and we continued to talk, walk, and look at every pretty chick who swaggered by. There were plenty of them to see and many were showing all skin. The fair consisted of people from all races and backgrounds, as this was a time that everyone in the Lou seemed to come together.
Once Nate got his funnel cake and hotdog, we found a spot on the stairs of the Gateway Arch to watch the fireworks. Horse carriages rode by and many vendors were selling balloons and unique lights to those passing by. I couldn’t help but think of my son, wondering what he was up to and where he was now living. He was almost two years old by now, and it bothered me that there was a possibility he might not ever get to know me. I remembered the first time Nadine told me she was pregnant. I denied him, wanting nothing to do with him at all. I guessed this was payback for my neglect, and payback for taking matters into my own hands after she was killed. Her mother called me an animal that day, and she blamed me for Nadine being killed. It was hard for me to live with that, only because I knew there was so much truth behind it. Those niggas were after me and, unfortunately, Nadine was in the car with me. I shut my eyes, thinking about a horrible day that would haunt me forever.
We were riding in my car that day. I was teasing Nadine about her new boyfriend and she playfully shoved my shoulder. When we got to a stoplight, she turned her head to look out of the partially lowered window. I looked in her direction too, and when a burgundy Regal pulled up beside us, my eyes stayed focused like a laser. The rear window slowly lowered and I saw the tip of an AK-47 aim in our direction. My foot hit the accelerator, but because of the wet pavement, all I heard were my wheels turning in circles, burning rubber. I yelled for Nadine to duck, and she dropped down on the front seat, yelling and screaming.
“My baby!” she said, wanting to protect our son, who was strapped in a car seat on the back seat, between two laundry baskets. “I gotta get my baby!”
As the bullets hit against my car, it sounded like a Fourth of July celebration going on. Glass was shattered everywhere, and as fast as I was driving, the car beside us kept up. Nadine jumped up from the seat, shouting for her baby and trying to protect him. When her body jerked forward, I knew she had been hit by flying bullets. I slammed on the brakes, doing a spinning U-turn in the middle of the street that left my car smoking. Nadine’s body fell backward, slamming into the dash and plopping down on the seat.
“Shit!” I shouted. I nervously touched her chest, trying to see if she was still breathing.
I couldn’t believe this shit was happening, and as the other car sped away, I panicked, driving like a bat out of hell to get to Barnes Hospital, which was less than a mile away.
“Nadine!” I kept yelling, trying to get a response. “Get up!” By now, the whites of her eyes were showing and she had no response. From what I could see in the rearview mirror, Prince Jr. was okay. He sat quietly on the back seat and I was thankful that the laundry baskets were on both sides of him. My breathing was getting heavier and heavier, my legs were shaking, and my sweaty palms were so slippery I could barely keep my hands on the steering wheel. When I reached the hospital, I put the car in park and carried Nadine’s limp body into the emergency room.
“Help me!” I yelled at the nurses and doctors on duty. “Somebody please help me!”
Help arrived, but it was too late for Nadine.
I couldn’t get the thoughts of her out of my head and if it had not been for me, taking it upon myself to kill my partner Cedric, Nadine very well could still be alive. That’s just something I had to live with, and living with it damn sure wasn’t easy.
Nate waved his hand in front of my face. “Wake up,” he said. “Are you there?”
I blinked and wiped my tired eyes. “Yeah, I’m here. Just thinkin’ about some stuff, that’s all.”
He squeezed my shoulder and patted me twice on the back. “Don’t be so serious all the time. You’re still young, Prince, and you need to enjoy life. Have some fun. Leave what has happened to you in the past. If I hung on to all that’s happened to me, I would be one sick motherfuc
ka.”
“Nate, why haven’t you moved on and done somethin’ different? I know that workin’ at a liquor store ain’t the limit of your dreams, is it? I mean, you seem like a smart man who is capable of doin’ anything you want to.”
Nate took the last bite of his hotdog, then squeezed the wrapper in his hand. “I had big dreams, like you did in high school. Got a basketball scholarship and my first year in college I fucked up. Started partying all the time, hangin’ out with my friends and fuckin’ any and everything in sight. Got caught up one day with some friends who decided to jump on this brotha who hollered at his girlfriend. I sat in the car while they beat that Negro’s ass, and when all was said and done, he died. They hit me up with a manslaughter charge and the life that I had known was over. I got twenty-five years, just like that, over a bitch that wasn’t even mine. That’s why you must watch the company you keep and know who your friends are, more than you know your enemies. Since then, I just live day-by-day, appreciatin’ my freedom and knowin’ that things could have been a lot worse. I’m too old to talk about startin’ over, but you have your whole life ahead of you. Make wise decisions, and your life will go a long way.”
“I couldn’t agree with you more, and havin’ your mind all wrapped around women can sholl fuck up some things. That’s why I keep my distance. I’ve seen too many niggas fuck they lives up over some pussy.”
Nate laughed while eyeing several more women who walked by. “It’s a powerful thing,” he said. “And even though there are some straight nutcrackers out there, you will find some women who will genuinely have your back. While in prison, I saw some women straight holdin’ it down for their men, no matter what. The gal I was with moved the fuck on after two months. I haven’t heard from her since. I didn’t expect her to remain loyal to me, but after four years together, one simple letter would have suited me just fine. I got nothin’.”
I couldn’t help but think about Romeo and all that he was going through. His and Nate’s situations sounded so similar. I was so sure that plenty of other brothas in prison could tell the same story. Wrong place, wrong friends, wrong time. “How ... how was it in prison, Nate? Is everything they say about it really true? I mean, I know it ain’t no picnic, but is it as bad as many people make it out to be?”
Nate looked me straight in my eyes. “You don’t really know, unless you’ve been there. And trust me when I say it is no place that any man on this earth would want to be, especially young men. Everything that you hear is true; then there comes a side that many of us rather not tell. It’s horrible, Prince, and I wouldn’t wish prison life on my worst damn enemy. I’ll leave it there.”
I guess that was the first time anyone had ever put it out there like that for me, and I understood why Romeo never wanted to discuss what was going on with him, nor the specifics. I put the thoughts to the back of my mind, and that was easy to do when I saw Poetry walking down the street with a freckle-faced dude next to her. He seemed much older than she was and had on some nerdy-ass glasses. His cap was pulled down on his head, almost covering his eyes. They both were eating ice cream and she looked giddy as ever as they talked. I had to go fuck with her, only because she’d been fucking with me.
“I’ll be right back,” I said to Nate as I hurried down the steps to catch up with Poetry and her man. When I did, I crept up from behind and tapped her shoulder. “Ay,” I said, causing her to quickly turn around. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”
She looked at the brotha next to her, then shrugged her shoulder. “No, I don’t think so. You don’t look familiar to me, so I think you may have the wrong person.”
“I don’t think so, because there couldn’t be another chick on this planet as fine as you are. Your name is Poetry, right?”
The dude she was with folded his arms and looked at Poetry, who seemed tongue-tied. “That’s my name, but I don’t know you, all right? Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to my walk.”
“Sure.” I smiled. “Go right ahead. I just happened to find your phone number you gave me the other day, and I had hoped to call you real soon. But if you’re kickin’ it with ol’ boy, then I don’t want to waste my time.”
This time, the brotha she was with sighed. “Can we go now?” he said. “I want to find somewhere close to sit.”
“Yes, we must do so,” she said to the brotha, then looked at me and cut her eyes before walking off.
I chuckled, thinking what a joke some women were. There she was pursuing the hell out of me when all along she had a man. I guess he wasn’t fulfilling her needs, and any man who put up with that mouth of hers was courageous.
I went back to where Nate was and we talked to each other until the fireworks got started. The Arch grounds had gotten even more crowded and police were everywhere, trying to make sure everything stayed in order. They could only do so much, and as soon as the eardrum-busting fireworks were over, two fights broke out. One was a group of white boys who had gotten drunk and started calling each other names, and the other was a group of girls who were pulling each other’s hair out. As we moved with the crowd, that’s when we saw a group of black men starting to yell at each other. Too bad the man next to us referred to them as niggers, and after all of the advice Nate had given me, he almost lost it.
“What in the fuck did you just say?” Nate said to the elderly white man who seemed shaken by the pitch of Nate’s voice, as well as his intimidating look.
The man lowered his head and tried to abruptly walk away, but couldn’t because the crowd wasn’t moving fast enough.
“You dumbass fool,” Nate shouted, walking so close to the man that he was stepping on the back of his shoes. “You down here with all these people and let somethin’ that ignorant slip from your mouth. I should beat yo’ ass for bein’ so stupid!”
“Leave that old man alone,” another man shouted.
Nate’s fist tightened and I had to grab his arm to stop him from landing it somewhere. “Nate!” I said. “Chill! Damn, man, you down here preachin’ to me about doin’ the right thing and you gon’ get our asses locked up. ’Cause you know if you swing, I’m swinging too.”
Nate listened to me, but continued to give evil stares at both of the men. They looked scared as hell, and when they were out of our sights, that’s when we started to pick up our pace. The Metrolink line was long as hell, but since they had so many of them running, we suspected it wouldn’t take too long. We stood waiting, but Nate was still hyped.
“Ol’ silly-ass motherfuckas,” he ranted. “They need to keep that nigger shit in their homes, where most of them use that shit freely and around their kids. That’s why this world so fucked up now, and this racism shit ain’t never gon’ be put to rest.”
I agreed, but I didn’t respond because it would only get him fired up. There were already plenty of police officers hanging around, and being in the back of a police car tonight was not my ambition. That thought did change when I spotted Poetry and her man coming my way. She came right up to me and put her arms on my shoulders. She leaned in, forcing her tongue inside of my mouth. The taste of her lips were so sweet, I didn’t dare back away. Plus, I wanted to make her man mad, and her boldness impressed me. I figured he was going to start throwing blows, and a kiss that good may have been worth a li’l jail time tonight. Poetry backed away, leaving me stunned as hell.
“I figured you may have wanted to see more fireworks tonight and I hope you did. And if you still have my number, as you say, then use it.”
She removed her arms from my shoulders while I stood there in a trance. I couldn’t even think fast enough, but when her boyfriend stepped forward, my reflexes jumped. “This is my play brother, Trevon,” Poetry said. “You thought you had me, but not quite.”
Her play brother spoke and the two of them walked away. Nate cocked his head back. “What was that all about? Did you know her?”
“Somewhat,” I said, thinking about what Poetry had done. Hell yeah, I liked her, but was fighting every
thing inside of me not to.
“Are you saying that you ‘somewhat’ let a gal kiss on you who you barely knew? Shit, I wish I had a woman step up to me and kiss me like that without knowin’ me. That would make any man feel good.”
The lady in front of us joked with Nate about giving him a kiss and their conversation led from one thing to another. They exchanged phone numbers and all of his attention had turned to her. That was a good thing, because all of mine had turned to Poetry. I kept watching my back, hoping that she would walk up and put another one on me. I didn’t see her, but I was so sure she’d be visiting the laundromat soon. This time, I’d have my shit together.
Chapter Five
Man Down, Street Soldier Up
Still hadn’t heard from Mama—yet. Another week had gone by, and I was really starting to get worried. When I called her house phone Raylo answered one time, saying that he hadn’t heard from her either. After that one time, no one had been answering at all. I tried her cell phone when I got up this morning, only to hear that it had been disconnected. That prompted me to go over to her house, and as I stood in her bedroom, looking around, there appeared to be no sign of her. Raylo wasn’t there, so I called his cell phone to see if he could tell me anything other than he didn’t know where she was.
“Prince, you know how yo’ damn mama is. She got mad at me that night and jetted. Threatened to never come back, but I didn’t believe her. She’ll be back, though. Just give her some time. It’s all we can do right now, and even though I’m worried, I know she’s somewhere safe.”
“Somewhere safe like where, though? And did y’all just argue that night or did y’all have a fight? I talked to her the day before, and she sounded like everything was cool. She told me to bring her some cigarettes. I can’t believe she’s been gone since then.”
“I can. We didn’t have no fight, just an argument. She wanted me to go out and get her some cigarettes too, but I was tired that night. She started cursin’ me out, and I told her to go fuck herself. Next thing I knew, she grabbed some of her shit and told me she would be back whenever.”