Keep going, I told myself. I can’t hide indoors forever. Face your fears. That’s it. I became aware that I was muttering loudly to myself and getting some strange looks from passing strangers.
The outskirts of town were already densely populated, meaning the centre itself would be packed. The gates to the mall were right by the tall war memorial, and I was nervous about being recognised by someone from school. It seemed inevitable. As I waited I kept my head down and wondered if Cheryl would be alone or with her gaggle of hangers-on. Panic swept over me when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I spun round and swapped panic for relief on seeing Cheryl – alone.
She even kissed me on the cheek and took my hand. A wonderful moment.
‘Shall we go straight in or have a drink first?’
‘Let’s shop,’ I replied, hoping it was the right response.
She seemed pleased and we strolled around the corner to New Look and entered the shop displaying a 360 degree array of tops, skirts, and accessories. The colours and choices overwhelmed me slightly.
‘Should I go for dark or light?’
She gazed at me, waiting for my answer. As her supposedly gay friend she was expecting a knowledgeable response. I knew nothing whatsoever about fashion. She would rumble me straight away. I stared back intently and half-closed my eyes as if concentrating hard. I then scanned the tops hanging up – most of which seemed to be dark autumnal colours. I glanced back at what she was already wearing, hoping it might give me a clue. The clothes she had on were mostly dark, so I went for it.
‘Oh, definitely darks.’
She gave me a hug. ‘Correct. You’re a fashion guru. You have an eye for this sort of thing. I knew I could rely on you.’ She pulled me to one of the walls full of blouses that all looked the same and selected three. Then I felt myself being dragged towards the changing rooms.
‘Come on, fashion guru.’
A surly girl who looked about sixteen stopped us at the entrance of the changing rooms.
‘He can’t come in.’ She jabbed a finger at me accusingly.
Cheryl snorted a laugh. ‘You can let him in, darlin’, he’s as bent as nine pound note. Or dontcha believe in gay rights? He’s expressing his feminine side, innee?’ She bent her wrist and pouted. ‘One of the girls, you know.’ The shop worker shrugged and checked her watch.
We marched past her confidently and entered a curtained booth.
I couldn’t believe my luck as I helped Cheryl pull her top off over her head. She handed me the warm garment to fold up and place on the chair. Her black lacy bra pushed her cleavage together and it took all my inner strength to not reach out and touch her lovely firm roundness. I had to consciously not stare. Instead, I grabbed the purple blouse and held it open for her to slip her arms in. I even started to get a bit over-confident and did her buttons up for her, lightly brushing my fingers against her bosom. She actually smiled as I did this and I had to breathe deeply to control myself. Once done up, Cheryl took half a step back – which was as far as the cubicle allowed her to – for me to take in the effect.
‘Beautiful,’ I murmured with genuine pleasure.
‘Does it go with my skin tone?’
‘Definitely,’ I nodded. ‘I was about to say exactly that!’
She stepped forward and gave me an awesome hug. ‘Lukey, my definite BFF.’
I wanted the B to stand for ‘boy’ rather than ‘best’, but felt certain that wouldn’t happen. If she found out I wasn’t gay after all she’d be screaming and calling me a pervert. I’d be chained up and put in a dark cell somewhere. If George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four came true I’d be profoundly guilty of many ‘thoughtcrimes’.
To my delight, however, I helped Cheryl try on the blue and black blouses too, biting my tongue when I felt the urge to suggest she try one without her bra. I did receive another hug and enjoyed the warmth she radiated through the long, touching surface we created with our bodies.
‘So?’
My mind went blank. So what? Had I missed something she’d said just before? By now she had her original top back on and was holding up the three blouses for further inspection. I guessed right.
‘I’d say the purple.’
‘You mean indigo?’
‘Well, obviously, yes – I meant the indigo one. It’s a mysterious colour, regal almost. Just fitting for someone so beautiful and enigmatic.’
‘Dunno what the hell you’re on about, love, but you make it sound good. Indigo it is then. C’mon, BFF.’
I followed her out of the cubicle, even though I wanted to stay in there with her. I should have pulled her back and kissed her right there. But I didn’t.
We did shoes, jumpers, and she even tried on a few hats, but we sadly never strayed near the underwear sections in any department store. Throughout the day she continued to refer to me as her BFF rather than use my name which began to grate, because I wanted people to look at us and consider us a couple rather than see me as ‘one of the girls’. Things went further downhill when she met up with her coven of friends and they all rattled off into their gossip and chatter, which I didn’t understand in the slightest and couldn’t keep up with as they constantly changed subject. After half an hour of feeling pushed aside I got up to leave.
‘You off somewhere?’ Cheryl pouted and got up. Frantically searching for an appropriate excuse I nodded, with my mind remaining completely blank.
‘Oh, OK then, lover.’ This name brought me a great deal of pleasure; then, to my increasing delight, Cheryl flounced over to me and gave me a histrionic kiss and a hug. Still reeling from that, I also got a few pecks and squeezes from some of the others, and by the time they’d all finished I waved at them as they all chorused sorry goodbyes and I walked off with my head full of startlingly 18-rated images.
At home I attempted to think about my numen, but couldn’t get beyond Cheryl’s cleavage. Guy had suggested, rather obliquely, a way of finding my spirit animal. The process seemed complicated, something about being like a tree, water, and fire. Somehow. The tree bit didn’t fill me with a great deal of excitement, but fire and water sounded a bit more dynamic. I needed Guy to help me out as it all felt a bit distant and overwhelming. Instead, I lay down, gave in, and allowed my imagination to return to those images naturally dominating every part of me.
Chapter Twenty-nine
I saw Pica and Bufo a few times that week, but not Guy; so I had to assume he was finding his own food and shelter. I began to empathise with all the poor creatures, especially knowing how cold it got outside. Then one night I was woken by him in the silent darkness.
‘I’m freezing.’
I opened my eyes and saw his human outline in the gloom. I usually left the window unlatched and he had worked out how to access my room directly without me having to be present.
‘It’s frosty out there. I need warmth.’
Groaning slightly, I firstly insisted that he put on some pyjamas before letting him under my snug duvet. I turned my back to him and let him wriggle in beside me. He held me for warmth – not for any other reason; I knew that and it only seemed fair. Once he’d regained a proper body temperature I kicked him out with his own blanket and he scuttled underneath my bed and curled up happily. Sometimes I regarded him as a peculiar pet, and he often obliged by acting exactly that way – perhaps I should have let him curl up at my feet.
Can you hear me?
It didn’t actually sound like a voice speaking. The words entered my head, but were not mine. I often silently spoke to myself, but these words came from elsewhere.
I‘d finally gone mad! I was hearing voices. Perhaps it was God or an angel; maybe a fairy or an alien? I’d lost it. Gone completely doolally.
Luke? Can you sense me?
It knew my name! I was lost forever.
It didn’t have the same quality as a voice – no sound went through my ears. The words existed in my head somehow. My schizophrenic mind had finally divided into another personality and I now posses
sed a second me completely independent of my Luke-self. Oh God! I needed a psychiatrist right now. Just not Miss Mire – she’d find a way of making the whole experience dull and ordinary. This felt like a mystical experience, the sort of thing that when you try to explain it to someone in the cold light of day makes you appear like a right weirdo, and the more you explain it the less convinced you become. But as the voice entered my mind again – however it did so – I knew this wasn’t madness or a delusion.
Guy wasn’t in my room. At least not as Guy. I wondered if Pica or Bufo was hiding somewhere and talking to me from a secret place. But even that didn’t make sense because it didn’t come from any particular direction – I couldn’t locate its source. I did look under my bed and in the obvious places to no avail.
Luke. Sit down and take heed.
That was a strange phrase. Why not just ‘listen’?
It was this which convinced me my instinct was correct – no voice was actually speaking. The words were manifesting themselves inside my mind, but independently of me. I’d seen lots of science fiction films and wondered if some alien creature was telepathically communicating with me. Or was I being possessed by a demon?
Neither and both, it seemed.
Luke. This is Guy. I have become part of you.
Of course it was Guy. But the voice sounded different. I had to remind myself that it wasn’t a voice – more a new thought inside my head. A thought placed there by someone else. How strange it felt to have another creature in there – someone other. This was an invasion of personal space in extremis.
‘How did you get there?’ I said these words aloud.
I have found a third form for my numen. I am a parasite. You are my host.
That idea seemed very scary.
‘You mean you’re a virus or bacteria?’
No. I’m protozoa. I’m sharing your food, but so little of it you’ll never notice. I’m not infectious but I live inside your cells. Being so small was a problem at first, but I found a way.
‘Great place to hide.’ I couldn’t express my feelings about this invasion of my bodily particles. Just the thought of it appalled me.
‘So if you’re inside me …’ I continued speaking aloud, uncertain if that was necessary for Guy to ‘hear’ me. ‘What happens if you suddenly turn back into a human?’
I imagined myself exploding in slabs of bloody meat across the wallpaper, with Guy, naked and gory, emerging from a cage made of my bones and sinews. How the hell did he get inside me anyway? Which orifice …? No. Some things are better left unknown.
I promise not to stay for long.
That didn’t make me feel any better.
‘So you can get out easily?’ I wanted to sound hopeful, but I think Guy realised I wasn’t happy.
I’ll leave you soon and speak to you outside. Tonight you need to meet me in the park.
‘OK then. You’ll help with the next stage?’
No reply came, so I wondered if he was attempting to exit my cells. What a freaky experience. It also occurred to me that Guy could enter me or any other person he wanted to without them ever knowing. Perhaps he might even find a way of influencing the host and changing their thoughts. I feared I might not be in control of myself any more. It was a frightening thought.
Was Guy the only one in the world or were there others? The idea that he could teach me how to do this filled me with a mixture of fear and excitement. But I was never going to be exactly the same as Guy – even though he said we all had the potential to possess these skills.
Just as I was assuming he had left my body, I felt something cold and lumpy fill my mouth. Something was alive inside my mouth! I choked, unable breathe as it pressed against my teeth, guns and tongue. But before I could raise my hand to pull whatever it was out, a large slimy wet thing jumped out and landed with a thump on the floor. Bufo.
‘You stupid gimp!’ I was annoyed and felt somehow violated. ‘I thought I was gonna choke to death. Don’t ever do that again!’
Bufo stared up at me with bulging eyes, making farty noises. I couldn’t stay angry and soon cracked into laughter. ‘You stupid git!’
Then I saw the shimmering air flicker into colours and shapes until Guy appeared vaporously in human form a few feet away from me.
‘Oh my god! That is some trick.’
‘My mother was right. We can transform into many shapes and sizes.’ Guy grinned stupidly, as if he’d discovered the secret of life itself – which he possibly had. ‘I never thought I’d achieve it.’
‘Is that the hardest of all? Becoming so small?’ I sat down on the floor as Guy started pacing energetically. Shape-shifting always affected his behaviour and immediately afterwards he seemed frantic and twitchy.
‘Not necessarily,’ he said, waving his arms with unnecessary vigour – his fingers shaking and his lips flickering. ‘Becoming a creature like a mammal is difficult because of its complexity and detail, whereas an amoeba is simply constructed. I suppose the difficulty is in changing from one life form to another.’
‘How do you choose?’
‘You don’t at first. Only through practice can you master the skills. Like learning a musical instrument; like anything really.’
I got up on my haunches and put out a hand to stop him pacing.
‘So you used me as a host for your experiment? It could have gone wrong then?’
The disturbing image of my innards splattering across the wall as Guy wrenched my ribs apart to release himself returned. I even heard the sound of my bones splitting and tendons snapping. I felt sick.
‘No. I’ve learned how to control changes with Pica and Bufo. Protozoa is the same. If anything its simplicity of structure gives me even better control.’
I remained unconvinced – if impressed.
‘See you tomorrow.’
Before I could even nod, the air around him rippled and twisted inside out. I opened the window for Pica to make his exit. He looked at me sideways, snapped his beak, and disappeared.
Chapter Thirty
Guy reappeared at 1 a.m.
‘You’re ready for the next stage, Luke.’
‘What’s that? Flying and swooping through the air? Exploding into the fire of eternity?’
He stared at me as if I had special educational needs.
‘No. You need roots first, to help you understand the eternity of things.’
‘Uh-huh. Well, my roots are here. I was born here and lived here all my life –’
‘No, not like that.’ Guy became impatient and forgot to whisper. I worried that he’d wake my parents up and I figured I’d have to tell them I was talking in my sleep or some other nonsense.
‘Then what?’ I gestured for Guy to keep his voice down.
‘Outside,’ he replied simply.
It didn’t seem to occur to Guy that wandering about at night could be dangerous. It was OK for him – but I couldn’t fly away from any potential danger.
Glad, in the end, to have an excuse to get where we couldn’t be heard, I put on my warmest clothes and offered some to Guy, who refused, and in a blink became Pica. I let him out first and then shimmied down to the fence and into the garden. Pica flapped over the roof of the house so I went through the side passage to the front, assuming we would go to Hillgate Park again and walking in that direction. With nobody about it was easy to get to the park without being seen. Passing cars never stopped or cared, while the odd stranger always looked as guilty as I felt or was more interested in their own affairs to give me a second look. This was an exciting kind of freedom – exciting in the sense that I had no idea what to expect.
The park somehow seemed darker than I’d ever seen it before. When the moon shone it glowed with a silver brilliance, as if covered in shimmering cobwebs, but tonight, with the cloud cover, it was a giant shadow between the lamp-lit streets; the blackness felt welcoming rather than sinister. I found Guy there before me in human form.
‘Let’s go to the forest,’ Guy said
tapping my arm. ‘The big oak tree.’
Everyone knew the big oak tree. All kids climbed it as a rite of passage. The bark on one side within reach from the ground had worn smooth. It had survived being struck by lightning and continued growing. Some of the giant lower branches were thicker than the trunks of most of the surrounding trees. It dwarfed all the other trees around – including the other oaks, and was even taller than the spindly, narrow pines which appeared to be more concerned with height than with spreading outwards – as if stretching up on tiptoes. The big oak tree, with its complicated panoply of boughs and leaves, was probably as broad as it was high.
Guy scampered up it with squirrel-like agility whereas I dragged myself up heavily, so that by the time I reached Guy I was out of breath and clutching on for dear life.
‘Find a position that’s comfortable and then press yourself as closely as you can to the branch or trunk.’
There was no point in taking issue so I obeyed him, shifting myself this way and that until I felt secure and balanced. I wrapped my arms around the trunk and pressed my right cheek to the bark, trying to make sure as much of me was in contact with the tree as I could manage.
‘OK. What now?’
‘Now listen.’
My ear was against the trunk, so I tried to listen to any sounds inside it. Of course I heard nothing at first.
We both waited in silence for a long time. My mind wandered – thinking about Cheryl or my parents. Then my heart lurched again as I remembered how everyone had seen that picture of me and Guy, making me reconsider whether being Guy’s friend was really worth it. It’d be so much easier to just go back to how things were. Life was simpler then.
With no idea of the time or how long I’d been there, I’d reached the stage where I was getting cramp in my thighs. However, as I hadn’t moved for so long it seemed daft to suddenly move now. My body would get used to it eventually. The pain was temporary and would disappear; I just had to block it out with my mind, grit my teeth, and fight through it.
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