by Remi Grey
And I love you. I thought it in my head but refrained from voicing it no matter how hard it fought to escape my lips. I stood up and sat right beside her. The air rushing from the waves felt good against my skin and even better as we touched. The energy surged throughout my body as I let my hands caress her leg.
With our bodies being so close to one another, the tug of our souls attempting to intertwine pulled at the both of us. She felt it, too. Before I could lean into her, she placed her hand on my chest, gently preventing me from moving any closer.
“Wait,” she started. She moved her hands to my face and removed the sunglasses, placing them on the table beside us. Then, after holding my gaze for a beat, she leaned into me and kissed me.
Chapter 7
Hanna
“I do. That’s why I said it,” he explained as though it were as simple as that. “I’ll say it again. Hanna, you are so beautiful.” I was sure my cheeks were starting to flush a bright crimson. “And if you could see exactly what I saw, you’d say it a million times a day.” I wanted so badly to believe him--that he thought I was beautiful--but no matter how many times someone else said it, none of it mattered unless you believed it yourself. Yet, for the first time, I wanted to believe it.
With the small hill around us and the ocean before us, we were hidden from sight. He stood up and sat next to me, instantly making my stomach flutter. Him being so close had that effect on me. I could feel the energy surging through me as he gazed into my eyes. His smell was intoxicating as the wind flowing from over the ocean made it encircle me. Suddenly, his lips were all I could see, plump and rosy. As he leaned into me, I wanted more than anything to taste them again, but shifting my attention back to his eyes made me realize that something was missing.
“Wait," I said after placing my hands on his chest to stop him from making another move. I moved my hands up to his sunglasses, took them off, and set them down on the table. In this light, his eyes were even more vivid--the green jumping out at me and the golden flecks whispering hello. I took him in, entranced, before leaning in to kiss him.
I didn't realize how much I had missed his lips until they were interlocked with mine, softly caressing my tongue and making sure that no part of me was left behind. I let my hand travel up his chest and around his neck, where I could pull him even closer to me. His tongue searched my mouth as our kisses got longer and harder. Even though I was getting out of breath, his embrace provided the only air I needed.
His hand, initially resting on my leg, inched its way up my barren thighs under my dress. The way he gripped my thigh turned me on even more and prompted me to kiss him even harder. Distracted by his addicting kisses, I didn’t notice when his fingers were trailing by my panties, tugging on them lightly for permission. Moving my legs apart slightly allowed him to slide them down.
I let out a shaky breath when I felt his fingers under my waist. He strummed my pussy softly and with it taking my breath away as my body fell submissive to him. His fingers moved around in a circle, slowly, and then speeding up on my clit. The surge of heat overwhelming my body made me so lightheaded, I had to let my head move up to the sky for a brief escape.
As I took a deep inhale of the cool air, he planted kisses along my neck, sucking on the bare parts of myself like a meal he wanted to devour. I brought my attention from the unwinding sky to his lips. My hands slipped underneath his shirt and explored the other parts of his body--his chest, hot to the touch, his abdominals, smooth as my hands glided along his muscles.
He stood up slowly without separating our lips and moved his hands under my thighs, lifting me up and moving me on the side of the bench where the seats weren’t in the way. I didn’t have enough time to overthink whether he thought I was heavy by the time he set me down.
My legs wrapped around his body like a slap bracelet around the wrist. He moved from kissing my lips to planting kisses on my chest, exposed by my deep V-neck, before slipping out one of my breasts. As he sucked on it, I felt myself getting wetter. My heart thumped against my chest, growing louder as he took in my breast and swirled his tongue around my nipple.
He moved down my body to underneath my waist and let his tongue guide his way down to my pussy. I let out of breath as I felt his warmth flood me, my body welcoming him like air into my lungs. As he let his tongue circle my clit, the waterfalls poured from inside of me. He dove in and licked every inch, not allowing a drop to get away from him.
Flicking his tongue inside of me made the heartbeat inside of my pussy speed up. At the same time, the sensations I felt pumping through my entire body made my legs feel numb. He moved back up right when I felt like I couldn't take anymore.
He pulled me up off the table in a swift motion before turning me around and bending me over the table. His hands moved up my thigh, raising my dress with it and reveal my backside to him.
He teased me with his dick lingering by my pussy. I groaned impatiently. “Come on…”
“What was that? I can only cum if you make me,” he said with a short laugh.
“Adam…”
“Tell me I always get what I want.”
I bit my lips and tried to contain the rush I was feeling in my body to no avail. “You always get what you want.”
“Tell me you’re all mine.”
“I’m all yours,” I moaned.
As he slid into me, I let out another breath and let my arms stretch out before the table in front of me. The sun that hit my skin felt good as he started to put in his strokes. I could feel my toes starting to curl, and my hands attempted to hold onto the table underneath me. I started rocking slowly and then harder as he went in deeper.
“Adam,” I moaned as each stroke drove me mad. “Adam!” I got louder as my body began to convulse. My knees felt weak and threatened to give in as I trembled. My pussy took him in like one would water after a drought. I could feel myself cumming all around him and dribbling down my thighs.
He pumped me faster and harder. My eyes started to roll to the back of my head as he did so, my nails running down the wooden table as I struggled to get a hold of myself. He slowed down, each stroke focusing on quality more than anything. I was vibrating now as he came into me slowly.
I moaned again and took in a breath as my mind floated elsewhere. “Adam…” I moaned again.
He slowed to a halt as we both came then leaned into me and kissed the back of my neck. “You really are beautiful,” he said. Then he straightened up and backed away, fixing himself up before I followed suit. When we were adjusted, with me leaning against the table facing him, he leaned into me again and kissed me softly on the lips.
When he pulled away, I got to admire him all over again. His eyes, his lips, his body...him.
“I love you,” he said. He paused right after as though he had said something he wasn’t supposed to. “I mean, I…” He rubbed his neck awkwardly.
“I love you, too,” I confessed.
His face softened as he took in my words. We both smiled at each other before leaning in and kissing each other. He took my hand after we cleaned up the food and walked me back to the car. I noticed a figure standing by his car with their arms crossed as though waiting for us.
He froze when he noticed her there, but when she moved closer, she was more clearly seen. Blonde hair, blue eyes, pink lips, and a slim body. She looked like a model. I shifted my eyes from her to Adam and shrank. How he could call me beautiful when these were the kinds of women, he knew made me feel like it was all a lie. I let go of his hand and wrapped it around myself.
“So, is this her?” she asked with an eyebrow raised. “This is going to be easier than I thought.”
Chapter 8
Adam
Erin. I clenched my teeth in anger as soon as she spoke. The entertained expression on her face was frustrating me every second I had to look at it, especially since it was enough for Hanna to pull her hand away from me and draw back. “What are you doing here?” I questioned.
"This use
d to be your favorite spot when we were dating. Except, you never took me here…" She shot a look at Hanna then returned to me. "I just figured that after our talk the other day, you'd want to see me. You moved apartments, so this was my next bet."
I scoffed. “Are you stalking me?”
"No, I'm not stalking you. Don't flatter yourself," she said. She moved her eyes to Hanna, then approached me and lowered her voice as if she weren't there. "Is this some kind of rebound?"
“Okay,” Hanna said loudly to get her attention. “I think I’m going to head out now. I hope you lovebirds have a wonderful life.”
I made a face at Erin before catching up with Hanna, who had started walking to her car. "Hey, wait. Please, don't leave like this. Erin and I are nothing. I don't love her. I love you." I swiveled around to Erin, who was following close behind. "Get away from me. Don't you get it? We're over. End of story." Sadness filled Erin's eyes then quickly got replaced with rage. "Fuck you, Adam. If you want to move on to big bitches, have fun. You're a piece of shit anyway."
I shook my head at her. “Seek help, Erin,” I said softly. Her face softened as I left her speechless.
“Hanna!” I shouted for attention as I approached her car. She was starting her engine and preparing to back out. “Hanna, wait!” Once I was close enough, I pulled open the door to her car and sat down on the passenger's seat just as the car was moving backward. I shut it after I settled in.
“What the hell are you doing?” she questioned in a shrill voice as she stomped on the brakes.
“You weren’t giving me a chance to explain myself.”
"That's because I don't want to hear it! Despite what you think, you can't always force someone to listen. You can't always get what you want. That coffee you paid for for the week…" I remembered pre-paying for her week's coffee the first day I met her. "I never drank it. When the barista told me it was a gift, I gave her a twenty and called it a day. You don't get to have what you want. Sure, we had sex, but that was because it was what I wanted. I don’t want you.”
Her words stung, and the delivery hurt worse.
“Now get the hell out of my car, Adam,” she ordered as she gripped the steering wheel tight.
I took in a sharp breath and then opened the door to her car. I looked back at her, hoping that she would change her mind, but her eyes were focused straight ahead. I rose from the seat and shut the door. The second Hanna heard the thud from the door, she zoomed out of the parking lot and raced away.
I sighed and hung my head as soon as she was gone. Turning around to see Erin standing before me didn’t help my mood anymore.
“I guess I’m not the only one who needs help,” she said through tight lips.
“Do you ever get tired of being so ugly to people?" I questioned seriously. She clenched her jaw, then turned away and stepped into her car before speeding off. I was all alone. Two women had abandoned me, and yet I could only yearn for Hanna. No one else mattered.
Chapter 9
Hanna
As I sped off, the tears burned at the sides of my eyes. He was a liar! He didn't mean any of it. Calling me beautiful, taking me out, telling me he loved me--all of it was a lie. It was just a ploy for him to secure rebound sex to get over his model ex-girlfriend. I drove full speed until I got home, zooming into a parking space, and then darting up to my apartment. When the door shut, I hobbled to the living room, where I slumped down on the couch and cried.
I had never felt so unattractive until that point.
The door suddenly opened, retreating the tears. “Hannaaa,” I heard my mom from the door. “Hanna, are you home?” she called out. Then, under her breath, “I guess she’s not.” She stepped into the living room just as I was wiping my tears away. “Oh!” When she noticed the smeared makeup and sunken eyes, she moved next to me and took me into her arms.
I couldn't pretend to have it all together anymore, so I began to sob. She rubbed my back as I did so, making me feel comforted. It felt good to finally release all the pain and insecurity that I had been holding in. Like a river, it flowed down my cheeks, falling into my lap. It was a roar and less of a trickle of morning dew as I wailed.
When the tears had run out, I thought back solemnly to the events of the afternoon. I thought back to how it felt to have a man look at me as though I was the most beautiful thing he'd seen. I thought about how he had taken me into his hands and loved me all over the table. Then, a more disappointing thought, the sight of his ex standing at his car, looking like everything I wasn't.
When he touched me, was he comparing me to her? How about when he carried me? Or when he looked at me without the clothes to cover up my cellulite? There was nothing worse than feeling like you weren’t good enough.
“Sweetheart, what’s going on?” my mom asked on queue.
I took in a breath and hesitated for a beat before opening my mouth to speak. “I... think I’ve fallen in love,” I said. Her eyes widened at my confession. “And it feels like…” I squeezed my eyes shut and thought about him again. “It feels like I’m hindering the love I know I deserve,” I referenced Adam’s lecture while fighting back the tears again. “And I can’t help that I’m scared and confused and smart. Or I’m trying to be. You know?”
She nodded her head again.
“It feels like I’ll always be like this. I want to love him. I want to believe him, but I can’t seem to make the idea of someone wanting me make sense. It always feels like a lie.” I thought back to the last time I had been with a man. I remembered picking up his phone after it wouldn’t stop buzzing when he was in the restroom. The messages to his boys about me--him proclaiming he just was going to “smash” because I wasn’t his type--haunted me to the day.
Looking at how my mother personified the woman that I’d never be like made me even sadder. Did she even understand what I was going through? No one would have deemed her unworthy solely because of her weight.
"You know, honey, it's okay if you're scared. We all are. That's the thing about love, it's unpredictable. You can love someone with all your heart for twenty years, and one day they'll wake up and just don't love you anymore."
“Wow, thanks, mom,” I said. “That helps a ton.”
"No, no, I'm not done," she continued. "Sometimes, you can love someone with all your heart for twenty years, and one day they'll wake up and realize they still love you. They realize they'll love you forever. Because love is unpredictable sometimes. But it's beautiful all the time. Even when it drives you crazy or makes you sad, it's beautiful. To have it at all is better than to be without it wondering what would've happened if you had just given it a chance. Do you understand that?" She looked me in the eyes, searching them for an answer.
Despite everything that had happened today, I realized that love was something that I wanted with him. I wanted to love him forever and for him to love me forever. Even if it was hard to believe sometimes, I was starting to believe it now. He loves me, I thought. He really loves me.
“I understand,” I said truly.
***
On Tuesday, I was as early to Adam’s class as the other students before I needed to report to the office. I found my spot in the middle of the lecture hall as the rest of the students filed in and sat down around me. I was anxious about what I was going to do and how I was going to do it. The closer we got to the start of class, I contemplated not doing anything at all and waiting until class was dismissed for me to talk to him.
It would be enlightening to see him talk about something he felt so passionately about. “Good morning, guys,” I heard from behind me. Adam had just entered the classroom and was making his way down the stairs and to the podium.
He barely looked up as he set down his briefcase and began typing on the computer in order to get situated. The projector turned on, and two screens pulled down from the board on either side of the classroom. "We're going to get started with chapter four. The results from your exam have been loaded onto the computer and should've been a
ccessible to you as of last night. Please note that all exams will be fifty percent free response in order for me to assure that you understand the material." He finally looked up and pressed a button on his laptop that displayed a graph. "This is the grade distribution for the exam. The average was seventy-two percent. Not bad."
“I don’t care that I failed this test; I could look at him all day,” I heard from next to me. I turned to the young girl who was giggling along with her friend.
“Shit, when are office hours? I’m trying to, uh...review my exam,” her friend said with a laugh.
I turned my attention back to Adam, who had changed the slide to chapter four PowerPoint. I was more entertained by the thirst coming from these little girls than threatened. After all, he was all mine. I couldn't wait to kiss him over and over.