‘Nay.’ He make a painful frown. ‘I ask. They promise this for my help.’
Now I stare at him with only fright. ‘What help? Nay, what you saying?’
‘Help. Give informations. Yesternight, I do already.’
‘But – you go back real? Ain’t for some tricks?’
‘Go back.’ He shrug. ‘I stay by roos.’
‘Nay, you cannot. Why? Why you even saying this? Cannot.’ My whitish terror back, hard in my chest.
‘Ice, ain’t right I being here.’
‘Ain’t right? Ain’t say that. Why it ain’t?’
‘Seen, when you left from Metro. Ain’t right.’
‘Nay, I need you,’ I say breathless. ‘How this happening? Now you going to leave me? For … been for they fools who want to kill you? Because I leave you there?’
He look down to his fisten hands. ‘Ain’t nothing that you done. I only want this. Cannot stay here.’
I think desperate, but cannot find sense. He go back to his roos – the murdering children who he hate. Left him in Metro for one night, and this be his insanities. Ain’t even justice he decide this, I ain’t known this going to be. Never left him for one second, if I guessing this. And I seek in memories, why Pasha want to leave me so. Seek, and feel this terror blind against my searching thought.
At last, I say in feary breath, ‘What El Mayor think – he always think you wanting me for love. Ain’t this somehow?’
Pasha tense, frown to his hands. Face start to show his pink embarrass.
My heart beat jags, but I say on, ‘It be no sense. You love a person, why you going to– shee, this driver comprehending?’
‘Nay.’ Pasha smile, look sidelong to me. ‘Quanticos want no English driver. Hear secrets.’
‘Bone. Nor I want this, right.’ I swallow weak, say softer, ‘Pasha, if you needing this, I do … ever you need. Should know. But why we ain’t continue like we been? Ain’t see how this be awful so. A month, can go on for a month. I only need some help.’
He clench against this. ‘Nay, ain’t so simple. Be nothing you will comprehend.’
‘How?’ I laugh up weak. ‘It be some rooish feeling we ain’t get?’
‘Can be.’
‘Shoo, been a joke. What feeling? Seem like you be a mammal, mostly.’
A long time, Pasha hush, but I can feel his answer gathering. We come up on the bridge, and the sweep of battern Marias City widen everywhere around. Car rise among its hundred towers, jag and windowless, and we break into sky, with only steely webs of bridge above. Be children working at the edge, and they all turn to watch. Pasha put his hand up to them, smiling weak, then rub his eyes. We come out over sparkling water, bridge posts blurring past, and he look back to me in his blue grief.
‘Ain’t told you, Ice,’ he say. ‘I had a daughter.’
63
PASHA ROO HIS WARS
Pasha get his daughter in an African place call Lagos. Be a city for boats, set scattern to the sparkling ocean. Time Pasha come, the roos been ruling this for twenty years of peace. Keep soldiers there to hold the city, but got no killing war to do.
He been eighteen self, young by their rooish definitions. Been soldat four years, but he ain’t scarcely use his gun. Only fighting that he seen was in the last Yevropa wars, and this been careless battles. His roos kept mostly safe, and the black Yevropans been no person children to him then. He felt their deaths like hunting sorrow – going to pity, but can sleep without no bad reminders. Nor he try no gero yet. Still was glad with foolish life.
Ain’t posies left in Lagos, gratty to the rooish cure. So the girl who bear his daughter been some twenty-four years. Already got one walking enfant. With this son, she selling corny cakes around the rooish camp. Girl be a backward something like my Hate You, shy bespoken. Pasha friending with her, ya his townie soldats friend with her. Name be Ekuah, but they call her Kusha, rooify her name.
What Pasha say, he been some prettieuse goods at eighteen years. So, how it begin, this Kusha love him with her eyes. Say nothing, but she start to gift him food and trinket goods. Will hold his hand in rooish greeting, and her scary eyes go unpredictable at this touch.
Soldats be ungentle mouths, and soon they teasing Kusha ugly. Ask if she using Pasha yet, and swear they do her better. Warn her about his rooish love diseases and his unsize parts. Ya, Pasha start defending her. This bring her into worser love, and ain’t no waiting time before he lose his seldom morals. Got no love for her himself, but this be hanging fruit.
Is histories of soldat, and all his use of her be fickle. He visit in itchy moods, and scratch, and leave without no care. His talk to her be all excuses, and he watching other girls while she cling frighten to his arm. Yo, when she go pregnant, first he only blame her carelessness. Enfant be no interests to a male, how Pasha ever thought. Only be a natural litter soldats leave behind.
But soon an inkling pain begin. When roos make greasy jokes upon his fathering, Pasha suffer queery. He start to notice enfants – ya, these mostly being beggars, asking by the rooish camp. Nor he can ignore, that many of these got rooish looks. Be soldat get, from girls of Lagos, took for rape or money. See these enfants’ misery, and soon Pasha sleeping guilty. Watch Kusha’s belly like she grow some judgment on himself.
But when his enfant born, these contradictions be forgot. First he see his daughter Femi, was like he recognize this creature from prediction dreams. In second’s thought, he know all certainties of her important wonder. Then he ain’t care how no one mock. He only live to help this enfant. His heart become a happy pain, and every other world be a surrounding to this love.
This Femi grown six months, when Pasha’s roos call into war. Be in farther Africa, where children fighting bellicose to rid the roos entire. First battles be no circumstance. Roos kill some bellious children, and come back to Lagos dirty, booze their wretchen nerves away. But the Africans’ fury grow. More children joining in rebellion, until the deeper country be a stew of thousand wars.
Wars lengthen into years, and worsen into ugly cruelties. Worst fights been in nefasty jungles, ripe with all infecting sickness. Is poison snakes and giant ticks and spiders, every nightmare creature. Yo, is times they war in thirsty desert, lost without no goods. Here is rains of burning sand, like breathing broken glass. Be places God made in His days of hatred.
Now Pasha’s warry crimes begin, in hells of always killing. Be towns where roos kill every person various, for angry sport; be towns they blinden every child, and leave them to their slower death. Ya Africans do liken tortures, and leave these frightening dead by rooish camps. Pasha’s townie soldats mostly kilt. He sent among some new soldats, and they be kilt the same. Pasha see so many deaths, he feel familiar with a body’s guts more than its clean outside. Come time, is only one soldat of his close people still alive, Seryozha who been fighting with him from their first beginnings.
And in this terror, all soldats use any pharmacies they find. Drink booze and they drink anything that smelling half like booze. Pasha start with gero, dust that can besleep all fear, make any conscience dumb. So these be drunken horrors, a sleepen blundering through screams and bombs and mutilation dead.
In injury or for relief, soldats be sent to Lagos. Pasha come there any dozen times in these bad years. To him, this city be a home, a shamble heaven safe in peace. And there, he always seeing Kusha quieteuse and Femi.
This baby born with normal skin and hair, but Pasha’s bluish eyes. Look like she seeing something wonderful blue. Is gentle shy, ain’t got no fight. Love her brother and her mother; ya all other people be a frightening problem to her. And she love Pasha simple. Will tell him hours of nonsense tales; draw pictures on his whitish arms; sleep riding on his shoulders. She always begging, he live with them. Ain’t want to comprehend there can be reasons that he leave. Yo, he love her with a stupid madness. All his hours of freedom be by her, or buying gifts to her. He bring Kusha’s family to a better partment, feed them all. Buy a camera and fill his poc
kets with his Femi’s photographs. Believe these keep him safe in war.
Now, in his wars, he fighting to survive for her protection. Care only that he live, and Pasha hate these children who will kill him, leave his daughter to the world alone. He breed some fever longings, that he murder every person living, only to keep his Femi in this safer loneliness.
Be eight years of these African wars, and Pasha changing evil. Gone vicious to the new soldats, ain’t bear their bragging innocence. Is shrunken skinny, lose his teeth from accidents and hungers. Ya, gero be like air to him, his need for waking–sleeping. For gero’s sake, he townie with all children who got pharmacies. Physicians be his favorite joy. These, with his soldat Seryozha, be his only friendship.
Other Russians joke on him, but give his evils some respect. Is warry changes, known and known. And every gossip tell, in battle, Pasha trusty certain. Will fight like seven rabies, save these people he disgusting at. They call him Vampire, and they leave him to his angry misery.
How this finish worse, Lagos self break in rebellion.
Been Pasha’s normal barracks night, of gero and unfriendly silence. He gone in pharmacy sleep, and dream blind through the first explosions. Only know of anything, when he drag from his bed to fight. Then he grab his pack and gun. Go out in wild confusions where his soldat gang be joining. He thinking first, they taking to some sudden war beyond. Mostly frustrate how his pack fill wrong, with every peaceful object. Got cooking grain and camera, but ain’t warry gear enough.
But then a close explosion come, shake bad familiar in the earth. All soldats laugh or swear, call speculations where it been. Pasha hear the gunfire rise behind and comprehend. His Femi in these bombs alone.
Then he ain’t even sneak. He break in run without no care. Push through soldats, like every child will comprehend where he must be. Ain’t hear if no one yell, ain’t heed. Dodge through the gathering trucks, and he sprint breathless to the havoc streets.
Worst slowness of this journey be its danger. Pasha been soldat too long to risk no stupid death. Ya, this night be every desperate child out in some hunt. Some be only thieving, but is also angry rifle bands, gone seeking roos to punish. Nor he dare to start no gunfight, how he be alone. Must creep by hinder streets, must duck from every moving life.
Be twice, he caught into some hide, while battles deafen close outside. Then he fish out his gero, how he craving since his woken sleep. First time, he risen stronger from this. Go with clarity bright, and even gladden to the risky dark. But when he catching next, is houry time, inside some pen of goats. Only is bullets maddening outside–above, the squeal of beasts. Then he finish all his gero out of hate frustration. Hunch in a dream of screaming goats, and farther screams of men; the stank of warry fire, that always find some poison thing to burn.
Time he leave, his mind be smoky as the ruin town. Then he wander lost and lost. Ain’t find no place he recognize, and times, he ain’t believing this be Lagos. Drift in memories of awful cities where he war, when every world destroy to figments, and his people all be dead.
Pasha scarcely notice when he find his way again. Only is following streets toward his heart, without no thought betook. But it be clear and vicious to him, how the war die into quiet. Guns choke into hush, and only can hear the seldom cry, the frighten voice, of their results. Then Pasha run without no mind. Be thinking terrify, he miss the war. Ain’t killing who he need, and Femi left.
So he run through smelling smoke; run past the dead, lain skew and red. Sometimes, by these, be children weeping; sometimes, children rob their pockets. Once, some gunshots follow him, but Pasha lost his mind for risk. Be flaming cars somewhere, and buildings, and these be only brighten ornaments to his one fear.
When he come to Kusha’s place, the edifice be whole unhurt. Is even lights in windows, voices muffle in the upper floors. Door open normal like a dream. Kusha’s partment be on bottom floor, and he hold stiff with clamoring heart to see a light below her door. Hear someone walking there, and he go yelling, gratty wild.
But when the door come open, it be his soldat Seryozha. Child step out to the hall and close the door behind himself. Pasha try pushing past him, but Seryozha hold and block him stubborn. Yell till Pasha heed.
First Seryozha explain some pointlessness – how he come behind the fighting, seeking Pasha self. Tell news of battle while Pasha stare, gone trembling through his flesh. He got no courage left to ask, and only watch Seryozha’s face in terrifying need.
He ain’t remember how Seryozha say that Femi dead. What he remember be what he ain’t seen, the killing self. For years behind, this strange unmemory come to him at thoughtless moments – the knife, her choking scream, and blood that always frighten him again.
Been in the early night, before the fighting even start. Some Africans come for Kusha in a vengeance demonstration, what become to girls who go with roos. They drag her to the street for rape, be yelling filthy mockeries. Femi running after, while Kusha scream at her to hide. But the enfant chase until she trip akimbo in the street. Then some worser child catch up this Femi, see her bluish eyes. All finish in a moment’s rage.
When Pasha’s memory return, Seryozha stand against the door. Got sickness face, and Pasha struggle to remember why. Is like they standing there for hours, and Pasha seek his mind, confusing, how he can save Femi. Remember again that she be dead, like he forgotten this a thousand times, and keep remembering unwanten.
And Seryozha say, like offering comfort, Kusha still alive. Rapists frighten at Femi’s murder, leave her mother there unhurt. Now Kusha be inside. Is with her sister and her son.
Pasha only repeat, They leave her.
Seryozha say, They leave her, yes. Ain’t done her nothing, brother.
*
What happen next be strange again. He know he fighting with Seryozha, though he ain’t know why, nor he remember how this struggle end. Ain’t remember how he coming in and seeing Kusha. But he remember shooting her. Been certain in his fever mind that Femi kilt for Kusha’s dirt, her shamelessness. He even glad as she fall down in blood, relieve to rid this evil. And he shoot Kusha’s sister, Kusha’s son, without no thought. Shoot them like a natural thing – like someone throw a ball to you, and your hand rise to catch.
Then some time, he roaming in the partment, raging blind. Break a window with his fist and laugh hilarious at his blooden hand. Kick at the murdern son, then break in tears when his Seryozha cavil. Try to hit Seryozha, but he got no strength. Can scarcely breathe. This seem funny also, and he laugh until Seryozha laughing, wrestling him to peace.
Next memory be, he sitting on a sofa by Kusha’s blooden body. Is weeping while Seryozha talk some useless noise above. All he knowing, Femi gone. Her body taken to the church, and Pasha cannot comprehend how no one do this cruelty. And he weep there in Seryozha’s noise for countless time. Be like he fall forever, ya forever, in a single hour.
But at last, the gero weaken. Leave him in this actual room, the bodies splay and still. Then, in some loathing need, he get his camera from his pack. Make the photograph I seen: Seryozha before these murdern children, holding a pistol to his own head, grinning desperation.
Time Pasha tell me this, we be in bosky country, past no houses. Both is crying somewhat, smoking tireless with the windows open. We got the furren coat across ourselves, but still be shivering. And we hush some time, watch out the windows at the woods – the icen branches glittery to the clouds, a fuzzy sun. A winging crow stop on the snow and fold into a blacken stitch. Be the bellesse of all my younger days, but now it seem like maginations. Life now be wars in broken cities. All my futures be like Pasha’s pasts.
At last I say, low in my voice, ‘This when you try to kill yourself?’
Pasha shrug like obvious questions. ‘Yes. Was right.’
‘But you ain’t meant this murder. Be something … like it happen to you, ya?’
He shake his head, eyes tired beyond. ‘Ain’t want excuses. I only explaining how I been with you. Was Fe
mi somehow. Keep thinking like you Femi, if she grown.’
‘I be like her?’
‘Nay.’ He smile funny. ‘Been only something that I need. Thought I can keep you safe.’
‘Done this. You save me, fact be simple. Yo, how this make you go to roos?’
He take a suffering breath. ‘Ice, comprehend. Ain’t right I being here.’
‘Nay. By roos, ain’t right. Think what you only telling.’
‘I be a roo. What I be.’
‘Foo, how this mattering any? Been a roo this time, ain’t matter nothing.’
‘Matter,’ he say painful. ‘What I seeing yesternight.’
‘Nay. Be only notions, Pasha.’
His eyes fix to me seriose. ‘Marianos hate myself. You never see this? How they talk?’
‘Nay, ain’t every person so. You friending with they guards. They never caring how you be a roo.’
He shake his head. ‘If I ain’t friend, they kill me sometime. Why I friend.’
‘Foo, you magining dooms. They never done.’
‘Yes, and kill you also,’ he say in rougher voice. ‘Like Femi.’
‘Shee. Marianos kill me, can be. But ain’t for this.’
He shake his head. ‘If you been at Felipe’s yesternight–’
‘Then I protect you better. All that been.’
‘Ice, you ain’t know.’ He grit like pain. ‘Seen this before, in Africa. They hurt you also.’
‘Nay, they ain’t even hurt yourself,’ I say with choking breath. ‘Felipe keep you.’
‘This been one time. It be again.’
‘So we can leave this fool Marias. Do this war, then we skit to some woods. Think Keepers hate you? Any Sengle?’
He take breath to cavil more. But then he only fret his mouth, look past me to the window. ‘I be older, also. Ain’t natural I be there. Cannot explain.’
Here I frustrate, how I got no knowledge I can argue. Never been no thirty years myself. Try to think how it will be, to always be with eights. But it never feeling so with him. We talk like animoses always. Risk our life together, plan our war. All be no sense.
The Country of Ice Cream Star Page 49