“Claire? You awake?”
Feeling like she’d gotten an electric shock, Claire rolled over, barely able to see Daphne lying in the other bed, hanging onto the ratty-haired Barbie doll Mom’d given her when she was like two or something. “Yeah, I’m awake.”
“C’n I get in bed with you?”
“Sure,” Claire said, holding up the covers so Daph could crawl in beside her. The rain had made it so cold, it almost felt like fall. “You have a bad dream or something?”
“Not ’xactly,” Daph said, wriggling around until she got comfortable. “I just woke up and felt weird, that’s all.” Settled, she curled herself around the doll, facing Claire. “And Dad is seriously snoring, I can hear him right through the wall.”
Claire might’ve giggled if she hadn’t felt so empty inside, sorta like she was hungry except it wasn’t food she wanted. She put her arm around her sister and pulled her close, tickly hair and all. “That better?”
“Uh-huh,” Daph said with a huge yawn, probably already halfway back to sleep. To tell the truth, having Daph there made Claire feel better, too. She was almost tempted to go get Josie and put her between them, but for one thing the bed wasn’t that big, and for another, the rule was once the baby was asleep you did not wake her up unless there was a fire or earthquake or something.
Lightening flashed, followed by a low rumble of thunder. Daph snuggled closer, then whispered, “Today was fun, huh? With Lili?”
“Yeah, I guess,” Claire said, although admitting it made her feel bad. Like she was being disloyal to Mom or something. Except Mom wasn’t here, for one thing, and the hoodie really was neat—
“Do you think Dad’s been acting funny?”
Claire’s heart started beating so hard she could hear it in her head. “Don’t talk nuts.”
“I’m not! Ever since that strange man showed up, it’s like he’s all the time worried about something.”
“You’re just imagining stuff.” She sneezed, then swiped Daph’s hair out of her face. “Go to sleep, everything’s fine.”
After a few seconds, her sister’s breathing slowed down. But Claire’s thoughts were running around in her head like that freaked gerbil they had in her second grade classroom that, like, never stopped running on its wheel. Even when it wasn’t moving, you’d go to touch it and it would jump and scare you half to death. She felt like that all the time these days, like she never knew when something was gonna jump out at her—
“I think Dad likes Lili,” Daphne said, making Claire jump like something had popped out at her.
“Jeez, Daph—I thought you were asleep. And of course he likes her—”
“I mean really like. In fact…” Daph sat up, dragging half the covers with her as she leaned over to looking at the door between Dad’s and their room, like she was listening to make sure he was still asleep. Then she snuggled back down and whispered, “I saw Lili and Dad kissing.”
Now Claire’s skin get cold and sticky, like she was about to throw up. “You’re lying.”
“Nuh-uh, cross my heart! I came up to get something and the door was open and there they were. And it wasn’t a little kiss, either, it was like how he used to kiss Mom.”
“That’s disgusting, Daphne! Take it back!”
“You can’t take something back if it’s true!” Daph said, bouncing up a second time and messing up the covers all over again. “I only told you because I thought you’d want to know. Now I’m sorry I did.”
With that, she stumbled out of the bed and back to her own, where she yanked her own covers over her shoulders, facing away from Claire. Who was totally confused. If that was true, why had Lili been crying? Of course, maybe she was crying because of something else, maybe…
Claire squeezed shut her eyes, wishing the thoughts just stop, already. Then she pushed herself up onto her elbow and whispered, “I’m sorry I got mad. You just surprised me, is all.”
After a moment, Daphne flopped back around. “What if Dad asks Lili to marry him, an’ she ends up being our new mom—”
“Don’t be a bonehead, Daph—Dad would never do that.”
She could sorta see her sister’s frown in the strange gray light coming through the window. “Why not?”
“Jeez, Daph—she just died!”
“She didn’t just die, that was like before Thanksgiving. And it’s not like she’s ever c-coming back, is it?” Claire saw her wipe her eyes with the edge of the sheet. “Aren’t you tired of feeling sad all the time?”
Claire laid her cheek on her hand. Tired of it? Sometimes she felt like it was going to crush her, it was so heavy. “Sure. But I don’t know how to stop it.”
“Me neither.”
“Really? You don’t act like you’re sad very much.”
“I’m just good at keeping it inside me. Because I hate the way Dad looks when I cry and stuff. But wouldn’t it would be nice to feel really happy, instead of just pretending?”
Yeah, it sure would. “C’mere,” Claire said, moving over so Daph could get in bed with her again. Then she stretched out behind her, whispering, “It’s gonna be okay, I promise,” over and over until she knew Daph was really asleep, this time.
But Claire stayed awake for a long time after that, now thinking mostly about Lili crying, and how wrong that felt, and Dad kissing her—and how really wrong that felt—but how, just for a little while, when they’d been shopping, Claire had felt almost okay again. Normal. Not exactly happy, but close enough to remember what it felt like.
And she hated feeling so mixed up, one second just wanting Lili to go away, to go back to Hungary, the next minute not wanting her to leave at all. I don’t want to like you! she thought, brushing away first one tear, then another, running down her cheeks and tickling her nose as she realized how mad she was at Mom, for dying, for leaving her, for making Dad so sad all the time.
Pulling Daph closer, Claire squeezed shut her eyes, holding in the pain, wondering if she’d ever, ever feel like she used to, before Mom got sick.
Before everything had gotten so stupid and messed up and awful.
Chapter Eleven
By the time they got back to Springfield, of course, Lili had gotten over her little pity fest. The funny thing was, she hadn’t even known why she was crying when Claire surprised her out on the porch. Not really. Because she was practical. She did know—and accept—that she and Tony weren’t meant to be, that her feelings for him were, at the very least, muddied with all sorts of emotions that had nothing to do with love.
Not that she didn’t love him. That much she’d admitted to herself long before she’d bought those condoms, still buried underneath a half ton of detritus at the bottom of her bag. But life—and love—wasn’t like the romantic comedy films her mother had adored, where little kept the couple apart aside from a few misunderstandings. Clear those up and ta-da! Hearts and flowers. In real life, however, issues happened. Sometimes people were simply on different paths, or the timing sucked, or whatever.
Sometimes—
“Tony’s here,” Uncle Benny yelled up the stairs.
“I’ll be right down!”
Sometimes, she thought as she spritzed on the only one of her aunt’s perfumes she actually liked, it really was about seizing the day. Or, in this case—she slipped on her ballerina flats, then reached underneath the loose, gauzy top she’d bought in New Hampshire to readjust her first ever truly sexy bra—seizing the moment.
Although honestly—she felt more like a schoolgirl going out on her first date than a nearly thirty-year-old woman hoping to get lucky.
When she reached the bottom of the stairs, Tony turned from talking to their uncle, his eyebrows lifting, only to immediate crash over his nose.
“What’s different?”
Me, Lili thought, then smiled. “Highlights,” she said, tossing her hair. “Magda dragged me to her hairdresser yesterday. Said I needed a new look to go with my new life. And no, I’m not going to ask if you like it, because I like it
so what anybody else thinks is immaterial.”
The two men exchanged a look, Uncle Benny shrugging and muttering, “Women, whatchagonna do?” before giving Lili a fond grin. “This one’s somethin’ else, you know that? Gonna miss her like hell when she goes back.”
“Aw…I’m going to miss you, too, Uncle Benny,” Lili said, giving him a peck on his whiskery cheek, before Tony opened the door and ushered her outside, his hand on the small of her back sending many, many tingles throughout her entire being.
“So,” he said, “walk first? Or eat?”
“Walk, I think,” she said. “It’s such a lovely evening.”
“Yeah. Not too hot.”
“No. And a good breeze.”
“God,” Tony said, laughing softly. “We’re talkin’ about the weather, for cryin’ out loud. Is that pathetic or what? Tell you what—” He took her hand. More tingles. “How about we not talk at all?”
“About anything?” Lili asked, hiking her bag up onto her shoulder.
“Nope, nothing. More than that, how about we pretend, just for the next cuppla hours, like there’s nothing else except us, bein’ together—” he lifted their linked hands, pointing toward a dense thicket of trees a few blocks down “—going for a walk in the park?”
Lili smiled. “Can you really do that?”
“I sure as hell am gonna try.”
So, wordlessly, they walked hand in hand until they reached the expansive park, as lush as anything Lili’d seen in Europe. In the viscous light, thick with humidity and small swarms of gnats, they passed the usual contingent of runners, people walking dogs, parents with kids, until their meanderings eventually took them to the edge of a large, glittering lake, teeming with geese and ducks. Within seconds the water rippled like liquid gold as dozens of the creatures glided toward them begging for a handout, honking like Parisian taxis on the Champs Elysees.
Lili laughed and Tony slipped his arm around her waist, and she leaned into him, savoring his scent, the scene, the bittersweet moment. Then his other arm wrapped around her as well, holding her close, and Lili shut her eyes, loving him, and as if he heard her he gently kissed her temple, making tears crowd her eyes. For a long time they simply stood in each other’s arms, afraid to move, to breathe, to break the spell, until a sudden, insistent breeze whipped through the trees, snatching at their hair and clothes. Holding her hair, Lili looked around, noticing that all the leaves had flipped over, baring their gray-green undersides.
Tony looked up. “Holy crap—where’d that come from?” he muttered at the huge, menacing black cloud overhead. “Come on,” he said, grabbing her hand, “my house is closer than Magda’s. If we haul ass we just might make it before we get dumped on.”
Although Lili was wearing flats, her shorter legs were no match for Tony’s as, the thunder taunting them, they sprinted out of the park and through the neighborhood, dodging the first big, fat raindrops. A few blocks from Tony’s house the sky burst, instantly drenching them. Blinded, soaked, Lili shrieked with laughter when Tony dragged her through the deluge down the alley behind his house, the garden little more than a battered, soggy blur as they ran across.
Once inside, Tony slammed shut his back door, the rain pummeling against it like thwarted demons. Slicking rain from his eyes with both hands, he shook his head and panted out, “Okay…so maybe…that didn’t turn out exactly…the way I saw it in my head.”
So wet she was unable to move, Lili started laughing all over again when the dog plodded in, took one look at them and quickly backed out of the room.
“I’ll get towels,” Tony said, his eyes bouncing up from Lili’s chest before he ducked out of the room faster than the dog. Frowning, Lili looked down.
Oh, she thought, blushing so hard her roots hurt.
Stripped to the waist, Tony returned a minute later with the towels to find Lili standing at the sink with her back to him, wringing out the front of that flimsy little top, exposing a whole lot of glistening skin in the process. Tony flexed his hands, mesmerized by a single water drop dangling from the end of a delicate rope of hair that’d worked loose from the helter-skelter knot on top of her head. He watched, barely breathing, as the sparkling drop quivered, then jumped, mating with her neck.
And trickled crookedly down.
At his sucked in breath, Lili jerked around, the mangled shirt hem clutched in her hands. The wet fabric clung to her breasts, her dark nipples clearly visible through her wet bra. Flesh-colored lace, from what he could tell. Not what he would have expected.
But then, nothing about this evening so far had gone according to plan, so…
The aching silence pounded inside his head, elsewhere, as they stood barely five feet apart, the rain battering the windows. Lili swallowed, still fisting the top’s hem. Then, clumsily, fiercely, she peeled it over her head and let it drop to the tile floor. Her nipples strained against the bra’s flimsy lace, rising and falling with her every breath.
“Lil, you don’t—”
“I know,” she said, smiling slightly, blushing furiously, as she unhooked the front of the bra with shaking fingers and let it drop, too.
Tony let out a long, pained sigh. “Oh, man…” Then he forced his eyes up to hers, wide and determined and bright with nervousness, and let out another, even more pained sigh. “You sure about this?”
Still trembling, Lili fumbled behind her to brace herself against the edge of the counter. “Okay…I got this far but…could you take over now, please?”
“Lil, sweetheart…I don’t have—”
“I do,” she whispered, flushing even more. “In my bag.” She nodded off to the side. “An assortment. Different sizes, different…kinds. I didn’t know what…” She cleared her throat, tried to smile. “What you liked.”
What he liked was nothing, Marissa had always been on the Pill or used a diaphragm. So it looked like this would be a night of firsts for both of them.
“We never got dinner,” he said, inanely, and she let out a short laugh.
“Dinner, I can have when I go back home,” she said, her eyes locked in his. “You, I can’t.”
Slowly, so slowly, Tony approached her, until he was close enough to skim an unsteady finger along her jaw, to capture that strand of wet hair, to gently touch his lips to hers, tasting her trembling, her anticipation.
Tasting his own.
Then he gathered her close, the feel of her nipples against his damp, chilled skin like tiny, hot kisses…the feel of her in his arms making his heart pound. He tucked her head underneath his chin, rocking her slightly. “Why?” he whispered into her wet hair.
She lifted her eyes to his. “Does it matter?”
“Yeah. It does.”
Several seconds passed before she said, “I’ve never regretted any of the choices I’ve made along the way. But I know if I leave here without finding out what…” Lowering her eyes to his chest, she skimmed her hands down his arms before catching his gaze in hers again. “What it would be like to make love with you, I’ll regret that for the rest of my life.”
Tony paused. “You mean, love as in a figure of speech? Or love as in—”
“What I feel now started a long time ago,” she said softly. “Even if I’d convinced myself the seed had died before it fully took root…” She shrugged. “Apparently, it hadn’t.”
Slowly, Tony lifted his hand, the mix of frustration and need and tenderness practically burning him up inside as he trailed one finger down the cool, still damp skin on her neck, barely…touching, barely moving, watching her breath catch as she once more clutched the counter edge behind her. Without her glasses, her gaze was luminous, curious, a mind-blowing blend of innocence and trust and arousal. Gritting his teeth, ignoring the sweet ache in his groin, he let his finger continue its journey, skimming first one shoulder, then the other…then across her collar bone, dipping his knuckle between her breasts…then across the top of one breast…around the outside…and underneath, gently lifting the soft, warm fles
h before gently, so gently, grazing her nipple with his thumb. A funny little sound burbling in her throat, Lili caught herself as her knees buckled. Tony smiled.
“Responsive little thing, aren’t you?”
“This is not a s-surprise,” she said, biting her lower lip when he gently plucked at the nipple.
Lifting his hands to bracket her jaw, Tony skimmed his thumbs across her cheeks. “Thought you were inexperienced,” he whispered, brushing his lips over hers.
“Inexperienced,” she said into his mouth. “Not clueless. I know what—” her tongue touched his “—everything does. How it w-works.” She reached up to yank the clip out of her hair; it fell over his hands, heavy and wet and smelling of something that turned him on so much he saw stars. “I know my own body, even if no one else does.”
Tony realized he didn’t have a single thought in his head that wasn’t gonna sound stupid the instant it came out of his mouth. And this woman didn’t deserve stupid. When he stayed quiet, though, Lili dipped her head to look up at him, the honesty in her eyes nearly doing him in. “Are you worried about breaking my heart?”
“Actually…” On a deep breath, he smoothed his hands down her shoulders. “I’m more worried about you breaking mine. Because I know…” He touched his forehead to hers. “You want honesty? It was gonna be hard enough, letting you go. Letting you go after we have sex…that might kill me. There was nobody before Marissa, okay?” he said to her frown. “Obviously there’s been nobody after her. You do the math.”
At that, Lili tried to back away. Except pinned against the counter there was nowhere she could go. “Then maybe we shouldn’t—”
“Yeah, we should,” he said, and she met him halfway in a frantic, openmouthed kiss that nearly blew his skull off, more than making up in enthusiasm what she might have lacked in expertise, her earlier nervousness vanishing like snowflakes on a heated sidewalk.
From Friends to Forever Page 16