by Ava Gray
“Rats. How did you sleep?”
“Fine. That new bed is really comfortable.”
“I heard you down here at dawn.”
“I’ve become an early riser,” she said, trying for a casual shrug. “Sorry if I disturbed you.”
“Was it a nightmare?”
“No, just a dream this time.”
“That’s good.”
“Mm-hmm. I’m making progress. Not ready for the loony bin yet.”
Helen withdrew her hand. “There’s nothing crazy about needing a rest. Give yourself time to heal, Deedee, both inside and out. Grief doesn’t work on a timetable.”
The sound of her childhood name brought tears to her eyes. She’d had more than six months to mourn, but there was something about coming home that lowered the defenses. A kind word, a loving gesture, and years of adulthood collapsed. “Stanford had always been afraid of growing old. He used to joke about how he would prefer to go out in a blaze of glory. God, it still seems unreal.”
“Of course, it does. It takes years to accept the fact that someone we love is gone. The sorrow does fade eventually, and you’ll remember the joy instead.”
Helen spoke from experience. She had outlived not only her husband but her daughter as well. Delaney wished she had a fraction of her strength. “I’m sorry, Grandma. You’ve gone through so much more than I have. I shouldn’t be leaning on you.”
“That’s the wrong way to look at it. What I’ve gone through has made me a good listener, so don’t give it a second thought.”
“If only I could remember.”
“Oh, honey, what difference would it make? Accidents simply happen sometimes.”
Yes, the official ruling was that the car had left the road and struck the utility pole by accident. For lack of solid evidence to the contrary, that’s what the police had concluded when they had closed the investigation last week.
Unfortunately, the ruling hadn’t satisfied everyone. Only ordinary people died in accidents. Stanford Graye, the billionaire director of Grayecorp, hadn’t been ordinary. Neither was the Jaguar XK that he’d died in, so there had to be more to the story. The rumors had been impossible to ignore. They’d run the gamut from a murder conspiracy to a foiled contract killing to a failed suicide pact. “I don’t think that Elizabeth’s going to let it rest.”
“She’s grieving, too, Delaney. He was her father.”
“Of course, and I understand how she feels. Losing him would have been devastating under any circumstances, but the unanswered questions only make things worse. It must seem suspicious for the only eyewitness to claim amnesia, especially in light of Stanford’s will.”
“She wants someone to blame,” Helen said. “She might be behaving like a spoiled brat at the moment, but that’s how she’s handling her grief.”
“I guess so.”
“You both need time to heal. Be patient.”
Delaney rubbed her eyes. Be patient. Right. That had been the motto of her life. It seemed as if she’d always been the one to let things go. If something hurt to look at, she looked at something else.
Helen took Delaney’s hand and eased it away from her face. “This is about more than the memory loss, isn’t it?”
“That’s just it, Grandma. I’m not sure. I feel as if there’s something more I’m missing that I should know.”
“You and Stanford were happy, weren’t you?”
She didn’t pause to think about the answer. It was the one she always gave. “Yes. Of course we were.”
“But?”
“But there must be some reason why I’ve blocked his . . . his last moments.”
“Some reason besides the crack on the head you took when his car hit that pole? That might be all the explanation you need.”
Then why do I keep having those nightmares? Delaney thought. But she didn’t ask the question aloud. She hadn’t yet described the details of her nightly horrors to her grandmother, and she didn’t intend to. She’d already placed enough of a burden on her by coming here.
“I’m not going to push,” Helen said. “As long as you know that whenever you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here to listen.”
“Thanks, Grandma.” She leaned over to kiss Helen’s cheek, then rose from her stool and retrieved the basket of muffins she’d prepared. “Here,” she said, holding it out. “I’ve kept you from your guests long enough.”
“Why don’t you join us? The Schicks come every year. The other couple, the Reids, are looking for a cottage near Willowbank. They’re interesting people.”
“Thanks, but I thought I’d take a walk in the yard before the sun gets too hot. It’s a beautiful morning.”
“If that’s what you want.”
“Yes.”
“All right.” Helen took the basket from her hands. “The fresh air will do you good.”
“Probably.”
“Make sure you put on some gardening gloves if you decide to weed the roses again. I keep them in the shed.”
“I will.”
“And take your sun hat in case you’re out longer.”
“Gramma, I’ll be fine. Really.” Delaney tipped her head toward the dining room. “Now go feed the customers before they start chewing the furniture.”
Helen chuckled and crossed the kitchen, picking up a jug of orange juice with her free hand as she passed the counter. She turned around, mimed a kiss to Delaney, then used her backside to push open the dining room door. A welcoming chorus of voices greeted her arrival.
Only two of the four guest rooms had been occupied the night before, but none would be empty by the weekend. This was the busiest season in Willowbank. The annual waterfront festival was due to begin in two weeks. The influx of tourists provided a needed boost to the local economy.
Raymond Wainright, Delaney’s grandfather, had made a fortune dividing his lakefront property into parcels for cottages back when the city people had first discovered the beauty of the area. He’d left Helen comfortably well-off, so she hadn’t turned their house into a bed-and-breakfast solely for the income it provided. She’d needed something to fill her time, and she thrived on the contact she had with her guests. Like the Schicks, most were repeat visitors.
Delaney never had learned to appreciate the lake that drove the town’s tourist economy. She didn’t know how to swim. For as long as she could remember, she’d had a deep-seated aversion to water.
A burst of laughter drifted into the kitchen. Delaney took her sun hat from the coat tree beside the back door, settled it on her head, and went outside. She walked past the beds of roses at the edge of the terrace—even if she’d wanted to weed them today, she wouldn’t have found anything to pull out. The lawn was over an acre in size and was just as well-tended as the garden. It stretched in a freshly mowed carpet between high cedar hedges on either side of the yard to the wrought iron fence at the back. Sticking to the shade as much as she could, she wandered among the shrubs and beds of annuals until she found herself at the oak tree in the center of the lawn that used to hold her swing.
Like the other remnants from her childhood, the swing was gone, its ropes rotted long ago. Yet as Delaney paused beneath the oak, drawing in the smell of the leaves and the damp earth that mounded around the base, the past rose effortlessly to her mind. She could remember what it had felt like to sit on the swing, kick her feet free from the ground, and give herself up to the sway of the ropes. She remembered the half-scary, halfgiddy sensation of leaning backward so far that her hair swept the ground. Sometimes, if her mother was having a good day, she would come outside and push her, but most of the time, she had played alone.
The Wainright house was on the outskirts of town. That fact, combined with sheer size of the property, had meant they had no close neighbors. There had once been a trailer park and a set of old train tracks beyond the wooded area, but the kids who had lived there had tended to stay on their own side of the tracks. Delaney’s mother hadn’t had energy to spare for socializing during her
final years, and her grandparents hadn’t had friends with children her age, so it wasn’t surprising that she had invented a playmate of her own to fill her solitude.
Max. After lying dormant for so long, that was the second time today thoughts of him had surfaced. It wasn’t exactly what she’d hoped for, but it was progress. If she could uncover memories that were buried as deeply as her imaginary friend was, could the others be that far behind?
Delaney rested her palm against the tree. As she’d done at least a thousand times since she’d first awakened in the hospital, she sent her thoughts back to that night last winter. She felt the bite of cold air as she stepped out of the restaurant, the warmth of Stanford’s grip on her elbow as he helped her into the car, caught the scent of his lime aftershave and the faint aroma of wine . . . and then . . . and then . . .
Nothing. She shut her eyes and shoved against the closed door in her mind. Why hadn’t they gone straight home? What had they done for the next four hours? And why on earth had she ended up behind the wheel? The details had to be buried in her brain—the fragments that had been surfacing in her nightmares proved that. She needed to push herself harder.
A breeze stirred the branches overhead, and the trace of Stanford’s lime aftershave was replaced by the acrid scent of oak leaves. She couldn’t hear screeching brakes, only a warbling robin. No thud of metal, just the sound of her heart.
Delaney curled her fingers into a fist until the backs of her knuckles prickled. Trying to remember the accident had become a daily routine. She should be accustomed to the frustration that followed, but she had hoped things would be different now that she was in Willowbank. If only she could find the key . . .
She strained, willing her mind to open.
Still nothing. Damn.
She sighed and opened her eyes. Maybe she was trying too hard. She’d never had to try hard to conjure up Max. He would simply appear.
A blackbird squawked from the woods beyond the fence. Delaney moved her gaze to the line of trees there, picturing Max’s shuffling walk as he emerged from the shadows that hid the path. His hair had always been uncombed and a little too long, but she’d loved the way it had gleamed in the sun. She’d loved his smile, too, and the way it had never failed to wrap around her like a hug . . .
Her vision blurred, melding the manicured green lawn she saw with the one she remembered. And in the center of both there was Max. He had already passed the gate and was walking toward her, his hand lifted in greeting . . .
The lawn was empty. Of course, it was empty. No little boy, imaginary or otherwise, was coming to visit. It must be some trick of the sunlight, or a streamer of mist that had drifted in from the pond, that made the spot in the center appear blurry. It gleamed like something solid, yet she could see right through it, as if she were looking into another dimension . . . or a make-believe world.
Delaney’s palm slid down the tree as she sank to the ground. She dug her fingernails into the arch of a root, anchoring herself in the here and now.
Yet the budding vision persisted. A feeling of warmth, of unconditional welcome was enveloping her. Although her mind was alert, her body was relaxing as if she were once again on the wooden seat of the swing and had kicked free from the ground. Her limbs tingled. This was how it used to feel when she had summoned her imaginary friend.
This was pathetic. A grown woman reverting to the crutch of her childhood.
Yet what did she have to lose? Summoning Max wasn’t that different from the hypnosis Dr. Bernhardt, the clinic’s chief of psychiatry, had attempted. Maybe her subconscious was trying to tell her something. If she could free her imagination the way she had as a child, perhaps she could push past her mental block.
Delaney glanced around to ensure she was still alone, then drew her knees to her chest, wrapped her arms around her legs, and focused her thoughts on Max.
The picture of him wavered, then re-formed, stronger than before. Blotches of crimson and yellow sparkled against the sky. The mist around him thinned, as if stirred by the same wind that rustled the leaves over her head.
Instead of coming closer, the figure in the center turned away from her.
“Hey, Max,” Delaney whispered. “Don’t go yet.”
The shape that was Max appeared to stiffen. He paused where he was and tilted his head to one side, as if he were trying to hear her.
“That’s okay, Max.” Incredibly, she heard a chuckle bubble past her lips. How long had it been since she had laughed? “Talking to myself is bad enough. I don’t expect to get answers.”
The light around him brightened, and details began to appear. He was still turned away, so she couldn’t see his face, but his hair was the same dark brown it had always been, gleaming with streaks of auburn where the sun touched it.
He was taller than she remembered. Much taller. As a matter of fact, he was far too tall to be a boy. And he was no longer skinny. His shoulders had the breadth of a man’s and his biceps stretched out the sleeves of his white T-shirt. He stood with his feet braced solidly apart in a stance filled with self-confidence.
Delaney blinked. Her imaginary friend had grown up.
This time, her laugh came more easily. It was bad enough to regress to her childhood by imagining Max. It was downright pitiful to fantasize about him being a fully grown man.
But what had she expected? She wasn’t a child any longer, either.
“Deedee?”
The voice startled her. She hadn’t heard it; she had felt it. It was inside her head. It was deep and rough, stroking through her senses like summer heat.
Years ago, she had imagined Max’s voice in her head, too. They had giggled together as they’d played their pretend games, and sometimes he would join in when she sang her nonsense skipping rhymes. Back then he had sounded like a child. Now his voice was as unmistakably mature as his appearance.
This was some fantasy, Delaney thought wryly. The doctors would have a field day if they knew. So would Elizabeth. She’d haul her into a competency hearing so fast . . .
But no one had to know. That was the beauty of having a secret friend. “Long time no see, Max,” she murmured.
There was a pause, then the spots of color that surrounded him began to move, elongating and twining around themselves. Sunshine gleamed not only from his hair but from his broad shoulders. The image was strengthening. His arms became more defined. She could see a smear of crimson on his sleeve, and a streak of blue on his jeans.
Max pressed the heels of his hands to his temples. “Deedee?”
The distress in his voice took her aback. “I know it’s been a while,” she began.
“What the hell is going on?”
“I just wanted . . .” She caught herself. He was a figment of her imagination. Why was she trying to explain anything to him?
He dropped his hands and half turned toward her. There was a hint of a sharp cheekbone and strong jaw, but she still couldn’t see his face. “Go away, Deedee. I don’t have time to play.”
“Play? I don’t want to play, Max. I only want to remember.”
“I don’t.”
“But you can help me.”
“No.” He strode away. The colors whirled around him, melding with the shades of green at the edge of the lawn.
“Max, wait!”
“No.”
“Max—”
“Dammit, Deedee. Get the fuck out of my head!”
Berkley Sensation titles by Ava Gray
SKIN GAME
SKIN TIGHT
SKIN HEAT
SKIN DIVE
Anthologies
PRIMAL
(with Lora Leigh, Michelle Rowen, and Jory Strong)
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