by A. S. Kelly
And my heart explodes in my chest.
I grab him by the shoulders and throw him to the ground with all of my might, then I sit on top of him, preparing to pummel his face into a mass of blood and dust.
I throw the first punch and it’s loud enough to hear bones crunching, but I don’t give a fuck about the pain in my hand – it’s nothing in comparison with what’s going on in my heart.
When I pull my fist back for another, John and Scott grab me by the shoulders.
“Mate, what the hell is wrong with you?!”
What the hell is wrong with me?
I get off him, rubbing my fist while his friends pick him up and drag him away. John grabs my arm, asking me for an explanation that I can’t give him.
“What the hell is going on?” Jamie comes over in a fury, wanting to have a go at the guy too, but Scott blocks him off. “Did he have his hands on my sister?”
“Your…oh shit,” Scott says, lifting his hands to his face.
In the corner of my eye I see Riley hunched over in a corner with her arms wrapped around her chest and her eyes glued to the ground. Jamie goes to her, making sure she’s alright. She gives a small nod, and I free myself from John’s grasp and join them.
And when she lifts her eyes to mine, everything stops breathing.
Including me.
Because all I want is to feel her. On top of me. Just one time.
Feel her sighs in my ears, her warmth around me, her hands sliding over my body. Have her eyes, her caresses, her mouth. For me. Just for me. Forgetting about her entire world and creating a new one together, made up of just the two of us.
And when she tears her gaze away, turning her back to me and walking quickly in the other direction, I understand that I’ve lost.
I’ve lost everything.
I’ve lost her.
Riley gathers her things, speaks animatedly with a woman and a man then kisses Jamie and leaves the building, leaving them speechless and confused.
Everything’s happening too fast, but the moment she heads towards the stairs I know it’s time to make a decision. One that could change the course of things forever, could lead me to make a mistake. Another one. Huge and irreparable. The kind that destroys your life and someone else’s too.
And yet, I go for it all the same. Head and heart agree.
“Move your arse!” Jamie yells above the noise of the crowd, pointing towards the stairway.
I run up the stairs and out of the door, where I find her on the pavement. She snaps her head up and stares at me, swallowing what remains of my intentions, and the rest of my fucking life.
Because she’s got it all right there in her hand.
“Riley,” I whisper, touching her face with the back of my hand.
A group of bullets pelt through my stomach.
Touching her like this. Again.
Her breathing tickles my lips and my entire body stops with the heat of her body.
Riley takes two steps backwards, away from my hand, taking my pride and my hope along with her.
“What the hell got into you?” she yells furiously. “Why did you punch that guy? What were you trying to do, kill him?”
“He was…”
“He was dancing with me!”
“How much have you drunk tonight?”
“What?!”
“He had his hands all over you!” I yell back, feeling the rage creep in. “Good Lord, Riley, are you so far gone you didn’t even notice?”
She looks at me narrowing her eyes as I get closer again and wrap an arm around her, drawing her to me. She instinctively puts her hands on my chest and I stop in that moment and feel the cold, because her touch sets off a fire in me.
Her chest rises and falls quickly, revealed by a shirt that is too open and shows off too much of her. I let my eyes fall down to her chest, along her neck, up to her mouth.
Oh my God.
I swallow hard, pushing back the instinct to put my hands in her hair and pull her to me.
“He had his hands all over you,” I repeat more calmly this time.
“That’s not your problem,” she says and her voice has gone down a full tone as well. “You can’t go around trying to kill everyone.”
“I can’t let someone touch you like that, Riley,” I growl, dying from the desire to bite her lips and make them mine. “I couldn’t stand it.”
“What are you saying? Have you lost your mind?”
Yes, I fucking have.
No one will touch her.
Ever again.
“You’re the one that…”
“I don’t belong to you, Ian.”
There it is. I heard it. My heart crumbling to dust in her hands.
Riley isn’t mine. She never was.
I didn’t allow her to be.
And even though I feel her slowing abandoning herself in my arms now, putting away the armour and taking of the mask; even though I could kiss her and feel her on my skin, I can’t.
I can’t have her like this.
Not if I can’t hold her with me.
I let her go instantly.
Her nearness makes me suffer, and I can’t control it. Not now. Not when the pain is coming back to swallow me up and ruin my life.
Her eyes are asking me to stay, to talk, to clear the air, but instead I turn and go back inside to avoid this thing getting out of hand for both of us.
To avoid letting her stay here, in my arms. To avoid losing my head again for a woman I’ll never be able to love as well as she deserves.
17
Ian
I’m nearly at the end of a long run along the Grand Canal when my phone starts vibrating on my arm band, forcing me to stop and turn off the music.
“Ian?”
“Mum?” I say, huffing. “Everything okay?”
“Your dad has gone out.”
“Okay.”
“We had just come back from the supermarket and while I was putting things away in the fridge, he must have walked off without saying anything.”
“Stay calm, Mum. Maybe he just went for a walk down the road.” I turn around and start off towards home, ready to jump on my motorbike and race to their house.
“He’s never done anything like this before,” her voice creeps up.
“I’ll be right there. I just need to go home and get my bike. Have you spoken to the neighbours? Have you asked around at all?”
“I’ll do that now.”
“Good.”
“Ian?”
“Yes?”
“I’m scared.”
“I’m on my way.”
Back at my apartment, I grab the keys and force Ryan off the sofa.
“What the hell…?”
“Dad is missing! Mum’s in a panic. Get up, for God’s sake!”
Ryan grabs his jacket and slips on his shoes quickly, following me outside.
As we pull up to my parents’ house, we find Mum sitting on the front step. As soon as she sees the car, she jumps up and her hands fly to her mouth.
“Ryan…I can’t believe it…when…”
“I’m sorry it took so long, Mum.” I hear him say as I go towards them.
“We’re here. Any news?”
She slowly looks away from Ryan and shakes her head no.
“I’ll take a drive around the neighbourhood. You go inside and stay calm. I’m sure he’ll come back on his own.”
“I’ll stay with her,” Ryan adds.
I nod in agreement: Mum is upset, Ryan being there can only comfort her. I’m confident that Dad’s somewhere close by, probably confused, or maybe he can’t find the way back.
I decide to go on foot, so I can stop and check out any places he may have gone to. I pass the bakery on the corner and ask if they’ve seen him but they haven’t. Same thing at the dry cleaners, pub and supermarket. Nothing.
I go back with a growing fear that something might have happened. I cut through the park on Northwood a few hundred metres from
home, when I see him on a park bench watching the swings.
I let my breath out and reach for my phone, letting Ryan know that I found him, before going to the bench and sitting next to him.
After a few seconds of silence, he lifts his eyes to me.
“Out for a run?” he asks with a smile.
“Yep.”
“It’s a nice neighbourhood. Great place to raise kids.”
“Have you got any children?” I ask him, trying to keep it together.
“Two.”
I close my eyes in defeat.
“Do you bring them here much?”
He laughs. “Oh no, they’re too old for that now. But I did, yes. It wasn’t like it is now though, with all these games. It used to be all dirt and they could play around on their bicycles while I sat here on this bench, just like I am now, and watched them from a distance.”
“Sounds like a good time in your life.”
“It was.”
“What are your children’s names?” I try.
“Nick and Ryan.”
I rest my back against the bench and extend my legs. I close my eyes and lift my face to the sky, enjoying this mild sun marking the beginning of winter.
“I’m going home now,” he says getting up.
“I’ll walk you,” I say, getting up too.
“Do you know where I live by any chance? I’m a bit confused at the moment.”
“No problem, I’ll show you where it is.”
“Thanks a million—”
“Ian.”
“Ian. You’re a good boy, Ian. Your parents must be very proud of you.”
“I hope so,” my voice cracks, but he doesn’t seem to notice.
I walk him home in silence and when we get to the door, Mum runs out to hug him.
“Hey, I wasn’t gone long. Did you really miss me?” he asks laughing.
“You know I can’t be without you even for a half an hour,” she responds with tears in her eyes before hugging him tightly.
In that moment, Ryan comes to the door. My father stops in his tracks an instant just looking at him in confusion.
“Dad…” Ryan tries.
“Ryan?” he asks and even at this distance I can see the tears swelling in my brother’s eyes.
“I wanted to surprise you,” he says, moving towards him.
“You’ve come back,” Dad whispers, incredulously.
“I’m home, Dad,” he hugs him, completely engulfing him. He lifts his eyes and meets mine. “I’m home,” he repeats before miming a thank you to me, choking me up.
My father breaks away from him and invites him to come inside, happy to have his son with him, but before disappearing behind the door, he turns to me again.
“Thanks a million, Ian.”
“You’re welcome.”
Dad goes into the house with Ryan while my mother comes over to me.
“Where was he? What happened?”
“He doesn’t remember me,” I reply, ignoring her questions.
“Oh, honey…”
“He told me that he has two children,” I go on, swallowing down the tears.
“You know that he—”
“Yes, I know.”
“Please, Ian…”
“I’ll take care of it. I’ll make Nick come back.”
“You always take care of everything. What would we do without you?”
I don’t answer. What can I say?
“You know that we love you, Ian, we always have.”
I sigh. “Will you be alright now?”
“He’s quietened down. He’ll take his medicine and hopefully rest a bit.”
“Well then, I’m going to go. I still need to take a shower and get back to Nick and tonight there’s a pregame meeting I have to be at, but if you want…”
“No, we’ll be fine. Ryan’s here now.”
Right. Ryan’s here. I know she didn’t mean it like that, that she’s not trying to hurt me, but it does.
I hug her and head towards my motorbike.
“Ian?”
“Yeah?”
“Your dad is so confused at the moment, and I was distracted for a second. It won’t happen again.”
“You can’t be everywhere at once.”
“Neither can you.”
I force a smile. She’s right, we’re similar in that, even if it seems hard to believe.
“I’m off.”
“Take care of yourself, Ian. Please, live your life.”
And my thoughts can only go in one direction.
I get on my bike and head home, going over what Mum said about who I am, what I feel and try to push down, to the image that comes to mind.
Her eyes. Her emptiness.
Something I’d like to rip apart with my hands so that she can’t feel the darkness tearing at my heart.
18
Ian
The images from the other night keep tormenting me: Riley on the dance floor, Riley pushed up against that guy. His slimy hands on her hips. Me punching him, attempting to murder him, the guys pulling me away from him, Riley hunched over in a corner.
And then her, just a breath away from me. Her chest against mine. Her lips calling out to me. Her heat mixing with mine. The desire to feel her under my skin.
I fought against myself trying to quieten the longing with training, the team, my family but it was useless. Nothing helps.
I was outside the theatre for a while, maybe a half an hour, undecided if I wanted to go in or not. I just couldn’t separate the present from the past, push it aside. I couldn’t ignore that feeling, of being sucked into her eyes and all that’s hidden there. To forget these years, that night and the sensation of having something in my hands that was worth risking everything for.
I know that it’s wrong, that letting her get close to me is dangerous, that she’ll drag me into a downward spiral of remorse and bad decisions, but I need to do something. I need to make sure that she’s really okay and not playing hide and seek with her emotions, because that’s what it feels like.
Despite the fact that I’ve tried whole-heartedly to avoid getting involved, I’m up to my neck in it. Again.
I see her everywhere. She is everywhere, or maybe she’s in the place she’s always been. From the first night I made the wrong decision in my life, setting off a series of other equally bad decisions, to where I am now, who I am and who she is today.
What we’ve become.
Seeing her with someone else…No. It’s not up for discussion. There won’t be anyone else in her life. No one other than me.
And this time, I’m going all the way.
She opens the door, walking down the stairs distractedly, trying to get her jacket on without watching her feet and her heel trips up on the last step. I run to help her and she lands in my arms. It looks like something from a film, a real-life romcom where the main character is a bit clumsy and the hero is always on standby, ready to save the day; but this isn’t a film.
This is my fucking life – and I’m about to dive head-first into a disaster with no way out.
She stands up and for a second, we make eye contact.
“Are you alright?” I ask her, when she lowers her gaze and I start breathing again.
“It’s nothing.”
“Does it hurt?” I point to her ankle which she doesn’t appear to be putting any weight on.
“What are you doing here?” she changes the subject.
“About the other night…I’m sorry.”
She nods.
“I shouldn’t have attacked you like I did.”
She gives a little smile that fills me with hope.
“I overreacted too.”
“I saw you there with that guy. I thought that he…”
“It doesn’t matter.”
We close off in a moment of silence, the embarrassing kind where it feels like you’ve gone through everything you had to say too quickly and you look around for some kind of emergency exit.
&
nbsp; “Were you just going somewhere?” I say first.
“I’m on my break. I was going to get some coffee.”
“Can I come with you?”
Thrown off by my request, she hesitates for a moment but then shrugs. We start walking in silence, shoulder to shoulder up Parnell Street. At the first traffic light, we stop and she lets out a little groan of pain.
“Does it hurt?” I ask pointing to her foot.
“A little, yeah.”
My pride yells at me not to do it. My reason instructs me not to touch her. My heart begs me not to go on. But I’m not listening.
I extend my arm to her which moves on its own as if it were controlled by an external force. She looks at it for a second, considering it before accepting it, but when she does…God, I feel all of my muscles contract and the bite in my heart clamps down a bit harder.
All I did was touch her damn arm.
Do I have any idea what the hell I’m getting myself into?
What it means to look at her, feel her, touch her and not be able to have her?
God, she’s only been back in my life for a few days and we’re already at this point?
How could I even imagine having thoughts like this about her? Why don’t I just let myself be eaten by my own guilt and stop staring at her like a maniac? Why don’t I give up and stop torturing myself like this?
Because I already know how it’s going to end. I’ve seen this one.
She’ll slip into every thought and every breath.
She’ll dig greedily into my heart with her nails and after having scratched every surface, when the scars are too vast to be sewn together again, she’ll turn her back on me and walk away with the blood still on her hands.
And I’ll let her go. I’ll stand there frozen in my puddle of blood while she walks away with everything, leaving me to my agonising desperation. Because that’s what happens when you let your heart decide for you, when you let yourself open up to someone, when you believe in them.
You end up alone.
Abandoned.
And yet, here I am.
When we get to O’Connell Street she nods for me to go into Starbucks. I order two coffees at the counter while she grabs a place on the sofa.
I look over at the window and imagine she hasn’t had anything to eat. Not knowing what she might like, I ask the girl behind the counter to add two muffins – one blueberry, one chocolate chip – and two sandwiches: one BLT and the other with egg and sausage. Then I wonder if she might prefer something other than coffee. So I ask them to make a cappuccino and a caramel latte – you can never be too sure.