by A. S. Kelly
“I need a place too.”
“What the fuck do you two take me for, a lettings agency?”
They both stare at me.
“And I can’t see you both sharing a flat.”
“Are you kidding?” Ryan says with wide eyes.
I run my hands over my face in exasperation. Why did I make them come home? What have I done to deserve this?
“Is that all, or is there more?”
“Ah yeah, I’ve accepted the offer. I sign tomorrow.”
I sigh – I’m not sure whether in relief or anxiety. I’ll find out soon enough.
“And what’s the deal with you, what’s happened?” Nick asks.
“Her. She happened to me.”
“She? She who?” he asks with fake innocence.
I slowly lift my head and look at him sideways.
“You aren’t here because you need a place to stay, are you?”
Ryan pretends he doesn’t understand and Nick lets go of a little grin that crosses his face.
“At least we’re together.”
Small consolation.
“Don’t get too excited, we’re just here for you.”
“Well, it’s something.”
“What can we do?”
“I’ve ruined everything. There’s nothing I can do to fix it.”
“Even if we go and beat somebody up?” Nick says, rubbing his hands together.
“Who do you want to massacre? I’m curious.”
“I could start with Ryan.”
“What the hell do I have to do with it?”
“You’re close by. Maybe it would help Ian relieve some tension.”
“Fuck you, Nick!”
Nick laughs. He really is an idiot. He still hasn’t understood that every moment he spends with Ryan could be his last one.
“Let’s get back to more serious things,” Ryan says, shooting a glare at Nick before looking at me. “There must be something you can do. Something you haven’t tried yet.”
“I think anything I do will just make it worse.”
“So, you’re ready to give up by the sounds of it.”
“I don’t know.”
“We never give up,” Nick adds.
“I don’t know if I have another choice.”
“If you want, you can hit me.”
“Why would I do that?”
“You need to get it out, you need to let all this, whatever it is, out. I’m the less important of the brothers, the one to be sacrificed.” He continues, shrugging.
Nick tries to cheer me up in his own way. Despite the fact that he’s a total arsehole, when I need him, he’s there.
I look at him gratefully.
“You know, anything for family.”
44
Riley
I make it through the theatre door at two o’clock. I wasn’t sure about making it in to work at all today, I feel disgusting, but we’re organising a new show before Christmas and I can’t sit home and let the others do all the work.
I’ve got a fever and sore throat that means I can’t swallow – probably because of that storm, and the fact that I went to bed soaking wet and then…
Ian.
I close my eyes instinctively at the thought of him.
Okay, maybe the reason I came to work is to keep my mind on something else for a while - to think about something that doesn’t hurt me, doesn’t make me think about the pain that always comes back to find me, to remind me what I am and where I come from.
What the hell did I have in mind? Showing up at his house, letting him have me, the way that he took me… to think I might be able to forget about it, might be able to have someone like him, for myself.
God, am I stupid.
There’s nothing for me.
When I get to my office, Kate and Ray run over to see how I’m doing.
“You shouldn’t have come in, Riley,” Kate says, sitting down on my desk as I flop into my chair. “You look terrible.”
“Wow, thanks,” I say, blowing my nose.
“I’m going to get you something hot, how does a cup of tea sound?” Ray asks.
“Thanks, tea would be perfect.”
“I’ll be back in a bit, but ladies, do not utter a word until I get back.”
I look at him with an inquisitive eyebrow.
“You don’t think I’m buying that story about the flu, do you?”
“Ray!” Kate chides. “Can’t you see what condition she’s in?”
“I see, I see,” he says elusively, walking towards the door to my office.
“Oh wow…this is just what we needed today,” he says as I lift my head with difficulty from my desk.
I sigh in exhaustion. “What are you doing here?”
“No, what are you doing here?” Jamie says, walking into my office. “With that face, you should be at home in bed.”
“We told her the same thing,” Ray says, jumping right into the conversation. “But she doesn’t want to listen. Maybe if you…”
“Let’s go, I’m taking you home right now.”
“You can’t tell me what to do.”
“I’m your brother, of course I can.”
“I’m older.” I argue like an impertinent child.
“But now you need your little brother and I’m here to take care of you.”
We’re sitting on my bed with our plates on our laps. I’m trying to get some of this rice with shrimp down but my throat is clenched shut. I’d better make a show of it if I want that half a glass of wine Jamie promised me to convince me to come home, or I’m going to end up with my head down the toilet.
“I saw Ian the other day.”
“That’s obvious,” I say trying to ignore his intention to strike up conversation with me.
“He’s not doing so well.”
“Happens,” I say flatly.
“I’d even say he’s devastated.”
“Jamie,” I stop him quickly.
“I’m worried, about him and about you.”
“You’re a traitor,” I tell him resentfully.
“I love both of you.”
My heart beats painfully in my chest.
“So, now I want to know: what the hell is going on?”
“I don’t think you really want to know.”
Jamie raises his eyebrow in challenge.
“Let’s just skip the parts you think might upset me.”
I smile against my will. Talking to Jamie has never been difficult for me.
He’s not just a brother for me, he’s a friend too, the best one I could have and I’ve never had problems talking to him about any of my relationships, serious or otherwise. But talking about Ian…
“Riley,” Jamie calls my attention. “Did he do something to you?”
I shake my head.
“Okay. I had to ask, even though I don’t think he’s capable of hurting anyone – if he were, we wouldn’t be friends and you would never have trusted him.”
I bite my lip at the tension of his last words.
“I get it. Is that the problem, you don’t trust him?”
I set my plate down on the side table.
Jamie shows me the bottle and I hold the glass out to him thankfully. It would appear this discussion deserves more than the promised half a glass of wine.
“He wants it all, Jamie.”
“What do you mean?”
“He wants all of me.”
He nods and takes a slug directly from the bottle.
“And you don’t want to give him everything.”
“I can’t. You know that.”
“Sooner or later this weight is going to crush you, Riley.”
“You don’t appear to enjoy talking about it with just anyone.”
“Ian isn’t just anyone, and we both know it.”
“But he could leave, or worse, send me away,” I say as the memory stings my heart. “Come on, Jamie. Ian is a champion, a well-known player on the team. What would he do with som
eone like me? If he knew everything, if he knew where I came from…” I shake my head at the thought. “Not everyone is ready to accept something like that, to understand it and carry the weight of it. It’s immense, Jamie. It’s oppressive.”
“But you can’t go on carrying it all by yourself. You have to face it, that’s the only way you’re ever going to leave it behind you.”
“I’m not strong enough.”
“You? Are you joking? I don’t know anyone stronger than you. You’ve been my strength all my life. You’ve got it together, Riley. You’re my rock.”
He takes my chin in his fingers and lifts it so that I’m looking him in the eyes.
“You don’t need to be scared. You never need to be scared again.”
I smile gratefully at him. His support means the world to me.
“You can do it and you can be whatever you want. You’re not just this, and we both know it. I’m convinced that you’ll understand when the right moment comes, just as I’m sure that man feels something for you, Riley and that he’s just waiting for you.”
Jamie’s right.
Ian feels something, something strong and frightening. The sincerity in his eyes lets me know that’s true enough. His words help me to believe him. My heart even tends to agree with him.
But my mind is telling me not to do it, that I shouldn’t let myself go and let him bring everything I’m trying to bury down into the light, knowing that it will destroy him too.
45
Riley
One year earlier
He lifts the garage door, rubbing a hand over his sleep-ridden face, when he sees me there and freezes.
“Riley?”
I don’t move. I don’t speak. I don’t breathe.
“What are you doing here so late?” he asks, worried.
“I don’t know.”
He shakes his head and moves aside, inviting me in. He closes the door behind us and I stand like a statue in the middle of his living room.
“Riley,” he sighs and I close my eyes.
He touches my shoulder and I step away from him. I hear his breath getting heavier and the tension swells in the apartment with things unsaid and withheld emotions.
With fear.
With loneliness.
“Has something happened?”
I shake my head.
Another sigh, this time with an air of suffering.
“Come on,” he says, leading me into the kitchen. “I’ll make you some tea, how does that sound?”
I shake my head no.
He stands a few metres away from me, observing me, his muscles tensed. I realise now that he’s wearing jeans but that his chest is bare.
I try to breathe but it gets stuck in my throat.
“Tell me what’s happened.”
“Nothing’s happened,” I lie.
Everything’s happened. It’s all back, I can’t tell him. Not now. I can’t do it.
If I open this door it’ll all be over.
I’ll be over.
“You came to me.”
It’s not a question.
Ian is looking at me. He’s digging.
He comes towards me slowly and takes me in his arms. I close my eyes and feel safe.
At home.
Ian is shaking. He feels it, too.
He strokes the whole length of my hair, and I let him. He kisses my forehead gently and I let him. He pulls me to him to feel his heartbeat and I let him.
I listen to his breathing and his silence. I listen to the reassuring sounds in this house and I start to catch my breath again.
The silence in these walls doesn’t scare me. It’s discreet, safe and is almost enough to offset mine.
It’s the only thing I can bear to listen to.
“Hey,” he says to me, moving slightly and lowering his gaze to me.
Ian is tough, impenetrable and a bit arrogant at times. But he never has been with me. Not once.
“Do you want to talk about it, Riley? I’m starting to worry about you.”
“I’m fine,” I say flatly.
“Don’t pretend with me. You can let your guard down, I’m not going to tell anyone about it.”
I lift my eyes to his.
“I’m okay now.”
His gaze widens, and his lips come apart. I instinctively put my fingers to them to stop him from speaking.
If he asks me anything, if he speaks, I won’t be able to resist.
His warm breath tickles my hand and my body is invaded with a hot, sweet sensation. It’s weak, silent but inside of me, it’s making a deafening racket.
He takes my face in his hands and I close my eyes to soak in this moment. I try to imprint it everywhere, in my eyes, in my head, in my heart. I need it desperately.
“Do you want to stay here?” he asks, guessing my intentions.
I nod and he smiles tenderly.
“Come on, you look exhausted,” he says taking my hand and leading me towards the bed. I sit down and let myself fall back, lifeless. He lays down on his back next to me.
I look at his tough profile, his defined features, the curve of his nose, his full lips and his weeks-old beard that covers his face, giving him a dangerous air. I look up at the ceiling, because I can’t hide what I’m feeling: it’s about to explode out of me and destroy everything we have. We’re about to lose what we’re both defending.
I can’t hold back anything.
“Riley,” he whispers, and I sigh.
“Look at me,” he continues, and I give in.
I turn and he does too.
“We can’t go on like this,” he says, and I shake.
His hand slides along my side. He hesitates a few seconds before slipping under my shirt, running his hand slowly and sensually against my skin.
I try to repress this weakness that is threatening to strangle me, to make me fall apart here and now in his bed, in his arms.
Ian is touching me. Ian has welcomed me into his house. Ian is giving me the most intimate moment of my life.
Ian is the man I want with my whole being.
He sighs into my mouth and I breathe him in before his mouth pushes against mine, soft and intimate for the length of one breath.
I try to suppress the tears. And yet they fall without my permission. They slide away, caressing my check until stopping at the corner of my mouth.
I’m crying.
And it’s not from pain, anguish or desperation. I’m crying from emotion.
Ian is kissing me. He wants me.
He’s running his fingers over my curves, his fingertips tracing along the lines of my bones. He rises up along my abdomen and stops under my breast.
A shiver runs down my spine.
I feel the heat, the pressure of his hand, the shape of his fingers that call to me. Desire that can’t be held back.
I feel everything. I want to feel it all.
His hand stays still, almost encircling my breast. Then his thumb moves away, pushing down on my nipple.
This time I’m the one who sighs.
He starts playing around, slowly, purposefully and my body freezes. Sucks it up. Wants more. Wants it all.
I instinctively draw my body closer to him and as our breathing synchronises, Ian closes his eyes and stops moving. I touch his lips but he slides his hand away immediately and holds it against my mouth, calming my frenzy. Our accelerated breathing fills the silence.
My chest rises and falls quickly against his. I open my lips and he traces them with a finger.
I stay frozen on his bed, trying to slow down my desire for him to keep touching me. With this need, I’m afraid of feeling everything all over again.
Light, colour, sun, rain.
Desire, loneliness.
Pain.
Me.
He sighs heavily and then backs away, letting me fall back into the darkness. He turns on his side and touches my face with his hands.
“I can’t do it,” he utters, more to himself than to me
. “It would be a mistake. You don’t really want this.”
“I…I don’t…” I stammer in shock.
“I can’t give you what you’re looking for. I can’t give you anything. No emotion, security or warmth. I take and that’s it. I like you, Riley, and there’s no denying that I want to fuck you right now, but we’d have problems afterwards. You’d be a problem for me and I don’t want to complicate my life.”
He turns to me again and finishes.
“You need too many things, but all I can give you is a night of sex, maybe two, nothing more. I’m a bastard, Riley, one of the worst, and I’ll never change - not even for you.”
He stands up, puts his shirt on quickly and walks away from me.
“Ian,” I say, making one last attempt. “Stay.” I say pathetically, because I know if he walks out that door now, it’ll all be over.
We’ll have ended our story right here.
He shakes his head, snatches the keys off the counter, opens the garage door and closes it behind him. A few seconds later, I hear his motorbike disappear into the night, with him and all of my hopes and dreams and my useless heart.
That’s how the silence returns. The most painful and oppressive kind. I can’t listen to it, it hurts me too much.
I hold my hands over my ears to muffle its cry, pulsing in my eardrums. And that’s when I hear it.
The most deafening sound of them all.
The sound of my heart breaking.
46
Ian
Present
I open the garage door and pull my bike out.
“You let me go.”
Her voice almost gives me a stroke, making me nearly drop the bike to the ground.
She’s sitting on the pavement in front of my house. Her hair flows freely over her shoulders, tousled and she’s taken off her shoes, her feet bare on the concrete.
I go to her and extend my hand to her to help her stand up but she refuses, turning the other way.
“That night, at your house.”
“God, Riley…”
“You touched me, you kissed me and then you didn’t want me. You really threw me a curve ball.”
I take a deep breath, ready to tell her the truth about all these years and my silence, my presence, that night and my insane fear. About what I know I shouldn’t have known.