by Carys Jones
‘You know, you’ll have to go back eventually.’ Corrine had been uncharacteristically quiet on the subject of Will. Perhaps because she knew from experience that only time would heal a broken heart. ‘That’s the problem with the world,’ she’d added with a wave of her hand, ‘it just keeps on turning.’
‘This time, you watch,’ Ewan was pulling Amanda over to the sofa which was currently doubling up as Shane’s bed at night. ‘Please.’
The boy’s hands were already sticky with jam. Had he somehow snuck himself a sandwich? Or had one been leaked to him? Both Shane and Corrine were complete soft touches with him. Amanda was still having to adjust to being around the boy. The only instinct that had kicked in was to protect him. But she needed to try, to find the maternal parts of herself that had never surfaced before.
‘Okay, I’ll watch,’ Amanda sat down on the sofa as Ewan settled himself on the floor, sitting cross-legged with Woody in his lap.
‘Movie time again?’ Shane came in, his hair still damp from the shower he’d just taken. ‘What are we watching this time?’
‘Guess,’ Corrine deadpanned as she followed him through the door, bringing with her the plate of freshly made sandwiches.
‘Toy Story?’ Shane dropped down next to Amanda. He smelt fresh, like washing that had just come out of the dryer.
‘Toy Story,’ Amanda confirmed with a nod of her head.
‘I love Woody!’ Ewan yelled to them all by way of explanation for the marathon number of viewings.
‘What about Buzz?’ Shane countered. ‘Are you going to leave him upstairs while you watch? It’s his movie too.’
‘Buzz!’ Ewan jumped to his feet, his face crumpled with genuine despair. ‘Ow, I forgot.’ He raced out of the room, Woody momentarily discarded. During their toy-shopping spree, Amanda had slid all of the Toy Story cast that she could find into the trolley. Ewan had been most delighted by the addition of Buzz to his collection. She noticed that he’d written his name in felt-tip pen upon the base of the toy’s feet. She wondered what would become of his toys back in Scotland, of the little bedroom in the flat which now sat empty and abandoned.
‘So how long are you planning on hiding out here with him?’ Corrine passed a sandwich to Amanda.
‘As long as I have to.’
‘Well, you’re always welcome here, you know that.’
‘But I will go home. Eventually.’ Amanda thoughtfully nibbled at her sandwich.
‘You will?’ Considering that Corrine had started the discussion about leaving, she seemed saddened by this response.
‘Yeah, I mean,’ Amanda quickly polished off her sandwich, ‘when it’s safe.’
‘Safe?’
‘Yeah.’
‘And when will that be?’
When McAllister stops being a threat.
Amanda reached for another sandwich.
‘So when will it be safe?’ Corrine pressed.
When McAllister is dead.
The thought stunned Amanda. She held her sandwich inches away from her mouth, unable to take a bite. If McAllister was dead then the threat to Ewan would be gone, right? In Will’s, rather Jake’s world, there seemed to be old-school Western justice at play. An eye for an eye, and so forth. So if Amanda could find a way to permanently end McAllister, then Ewan would truly be safe, she could stop eyeing everyone up on the beach as if they were a potential threat. Then she could move forward, could stop living in the dangerous shadow of Will’s death and start piecing her life back together.
‘Soon.’ Amanda shoved the entire sandwich into her mouth as Ewan came bursting back into the room, his little face wide with an excited smile.
‘Now Buzz gets to watch too,’ he declared jovially. But Amanda wasn’t listening. In her mind she was already formulating a plan.
3
The house she had shared with Will was as she’d left it. It took barely twenty minutes to get there from her mother’s cottage. There were still wooden boards covering the front-room window, blocking out the mustard-coloured glow of the late afternoon sun. The kitchen surfaces were bare, allowing the granite countertops to glisten in all their majesty. And it all felt so unbearably empty.
Amanda froze in the hallway, the kitchen just ahead and the living room to her left. Her perfect white interior doors were open; her pristine painted walls stared back at her with indifference. This was her home. But then why did it feel like she’d just stepped into a morgue?
‘It’s a bad idea going back there,’ Shane had warned, keeping his voice low as they conducted their heated discussion back in her mother’s kitchen. Corrine was distracted by Ewan, acting out a scene from Toy Story where she was the scared dinosaur and the little boy the brave Sherriff Woody. It afforded Amanda a few moments to tell Shane what she was intending.
‘I have to go back.’
‘It’s not safe.’
‘The Internet connection here is too slow. It’s not secure enough.’
This caused Shane to take a step back. Amanda could see the thoughts racing behind his eyes as he tried to figure out what she was up to.
‘Trust me,’ she reached for his hand and squeezed it. ‘Please, Shane. Just trust me. I know what I’m doing.’
‘Do you?’ He was wearing his cop mask – all fear and precautions.
‘At least I think I do.’
‘Amanda—’
‘I have to keep him safe.’ She hissed the declaration, throwing a quick glance back towards where her mother and Ewan were merrily playing. There was no keeping Ewan safe in a world in which McAllister existed, Will’s death had taught Amanda that much. ‘Just trust me, Shane,’ she pleaded again.
Corrine had burst in then, puffing up red cheeks and dropping down into the nearest chair. Her sudden presence silenced any further protests Shane might have had.
‘Who knew being a dinosaur could be so exhausting?’ Amanda’s mother exclaimed with a chuckle as she threw up both arms which were adorned with a glimmering array of silver bangles which caught the light as they musically trickled down to her elbows.
‘We’re not done discussing this,’ Shane whispered his comment to Amanda as he scraped past her. But she knew that they were.
Amanda drifted up the stairs of her house, feeling like a ghost. She moved silently, reverently, afraid to disturb the eerie peace which had gathered amongst the magnolia and white walls. She dared to release a sigh of relief when she entered her study. A space that had always been predominantly hers. A space not permeated by Will’s lingering presence. Yet as she sat down at her desk and booted up her laptop, she knew he was there too. She imagined him peering round the door as she worked, reminding her that it’d be dinner soon. After dinner they’d snuggle together on the sofa and watch Netflix. She’d rest her head against Will’s strong chest until her eyes began to droop.
‘I love watching you fall asleep,’ he’d murmur as he tenderly stroked a strand of hair out of her eyes. ‘You always look so peaceful.’
Amanda had never felt the same way about seeing her husband slumber. On the rare occasions when she looked across the bed in the shadows of night and noticed him on his back, eyes tightly shut, he never looked peaceful. He always looked far away. Unreachable. Did he used to dream of Evangeline and Ewan?
‘Dammit,’ Amanda swept her fingertips across her cheek, smoothing away the tears which had just fallen. This was her home. All the memories that lingered within belonged to her and Will. Not Jake. Jake had been the man Will had been before he met her. Jake Burton existed in another life, the one back up in Scotland.
With shaking hands, she logged into her darknet account. There was a message waiting for her darknet alias; Lambchop, a message Amanda had been expecting to find.
Turtle82 had made contact again.
As her heart crept into her throat, Amanda forgot about Jake Burton, forget about how hollow her home felt. Her eyes danced across her computer screen with keen interest. The message was simple. Abrupt.
You ca
n’t catch a King Carp unless you’re fishing in the right pond.
Find the right spot. Then we’ll talk again.
T.
Fishing in the right pond.
So Turtle was still watching her. Still aware of where she was.
A car drove by outside, its engine murmuring distantly like a purring cat. Amanda chewed on her lip and tried to decipher the message.
Scotland.
The right pond had to be Scotland. Turtle82 was urging her to return up north, to Glasgow.
Amanda opened up a fresh window in her browser and started searching for hotels in the city centre. She’d been intending to return to Glasgow all along and now she’d been given the push she needed to commit to her plan.
*
‘You can’t do this.’
The sea lapped against Amanda’s bare feet, its touch sharp and cool. She shuddered deliciously as the wave crept up towards her heels and then slid back.
‘I’m serious, Amanda.’ Shane was beside her, his own feet also resting on the shoreline. He was leaning back, his hands sinking into the damp sand. Above them a full moon shone like a perfect silver coin. Ewan had gone to bed almost an hour ago. The evening was theirs.
It was Shane who’d suggested a walk along the beach. Corrine had fully endorsed the idea of a moonlit stroll, shoving Amanda out of the cottage before she’d even had time to consider Shane’s offer. But, she mused as she headed down the cliffside path, being alone with Shane, away from her mother’s eavesdropping, would allow her to discuss her plan with him in full detail. To tell him that she was leaving.
‘I’m going,’ Amanda told him curtly. ‘It’s not up for discussion.’
Another wave kissed her toes but shied away from the rest of her feet.
‘How can you even say that? Will died up there, Amanda. And now you want to put your life at risk too? You said yourself that you’re all that Ewan has left! Why go back?’
‘In order for Ewan to be safe, really safe, then McAllister needs to be out of the picture.’
‘So what? You’re going to kill him?’ She could tell from his tone that Shane was mocking her.
‘No,’ Amanda’s shoulders slumped shamefully. She couldn’t believe she’d ever actually consider killing a man. She just didn’t have it in her, no matter how much hate she had for McAllister. But there were other ways to remove someone from society. Prison for example. And Turtle82 had given her hope. Back in her student days she had done numerous jobs for Turtle which involved outing fraudulent investors, exposing people who were embezzling large sums of money. There was no way someone like McAllister was squeaky clean. He must have a digital trail of dirt over a mile long. All Amanda had to do was find it. And she knew that Turtle could help her do that.
‘I have…’ she dug her hands into the damp sand. ‘A contact. A contact who can help me.’
Behind them a young couple strolled by hand in hand, oblivious to the conversation being conducted beside the waves. Amanda glanced at them as they walked away, wrapped tightly in one another’s arms as if they didn’t dare to let go of each other, even for a second. She envied their closeness, the brilliance with which their love burned. She’d known that kind of passion before. In Will’s arms and also in—
‘Contact?’ Shane grimaced as he said the word and climbed to his feet. ‘Let me guess – it’s darknet-related.’
He began stalking down the beach, having heard enough, all the old demons from their past relationship biting at his heels.
‘Shane,’ Amanda chased after him. She caught his hand and he allowed her to pull him back with little resistance. ‘Yes, it’s darknet-related. But it’s too good an opportunity for me to just pass up. If I do this, I could ensure Ewan’s safety for the rest of his life. A long life.’
Shane’s hand remained in hers but he was looking down at his feet.
‘I know it’s dangerous. I know I’m taking a huge risk,’ her voice was low, tentative. ‘But that little boy, he’s all I have left of Will. And he’s worth it. He’s worth saving.’
‘So are you.’ Shane raised his head and his green eyes held her in a steady gaze. In the moonlight his eyes shone as though he’d stolen some of the starlight for himself. With his hair ruffled by the sea breeze and the shadow of stubble framing his jawline, Shane looked so much like his younger self. Too much.
Amanda had spent countless moonlit nights such as this one pacing along the beach with him, hand in hand or pressed against a rock tangled together in a passionate embrace. Sometimes their friend John was there. Sometimes they built fires which burned late into the night and told ghost stories to each other from across the flames.
The beach remained the same. There was still the steep incline of jagged rocks which made up the cliff face. If you kept walking south, the tide would consume the beach completely after seven at night. The same moon was watching them overhead. The only thing that had changed was time. It had morphed them into different people. But Amanda could sense the echo of her younger self within her soul.
‘Did they remind you of us?’
The sudden change in topic made Amanda feel disorientated. ‘Who?’ She looked further along the beach where the love-struck couple were just disappearing from view. ‘That couple?’ She hadn’t realised that Shane had even been aware of them.
‘Yeah,’ he gave her a half-smile. ‘I mean, that was us, once.’
‘Yeah.’
A cold breeze darted between them, hinting at the frosty weather which was gathered out at sea. Amanda imagined tiny fishing boats being tossed upon furious waves as though they were nothing more than matchboxes. Nature could be brilliant but also brutal. Growing up by the sea, Amanda had learned from a young age to respect it.
‘She can be unpredictable, the sea,’ her father would say sagely as he walked his young daughter against the waves as the tide began to turn. ‘Like any good woman,’ he’d add teasingly. Only Corrine was never there to catch the joke, she kept her distance from the water for reasons which Amanda had never come to know.
‘He always loved the ocean.’ Amanda turned to watch the gentle lapping of waves which continued to break against the beach.
‘Will?’ Shane kept walking.
‘No, my dad.’
Shane stopped. The shadows on his face changed. Amanda realised that he was regarding her with pity.
‘I know what you’re thinking,’ she quickened her pace.
‘What am I thinking?’ Shane easily kept in step with her.
‘You’re thinking “Oh poor, Amanda. She’s lost so many men in her life. She’ll never be able to let a man in now. She’s just fucked for the rest of her life.” Because I mean that’s right, isn’t it? You thought I couldn’t truly love a man because I placed my dead father on a pedestal.’
‘Amanda—’
‘And now Will, he’s up there too. So where does that leave me, huh?’
‘Actually,’ Shane raised his voice, just slightly. Amanda stopped walking and turned her entire body towards him. ‘I was thinking how strong you are. How, in spite of the incredibly shit hand that life has dealt you, you keep moving forwards. Losing Will could have so easily sent you into a downward spiral but you’re still… you. And your main concern is Ewan. You’re willing to put yourself in danger for him. Amanda, that’s brave as hell. But then you always have been.’
‘I have?’
‘Yeah,’ Shane shrugged, looking shy. ‘I mean, you always pushed me, Amanda. You were never content to just stay in your comfort zone. You always wanted more from life and that… it inspired me.’
It was still warm out, the heat from the day lingering like a hangover. A short woman jogged past them with her Cavalier King Charles spaniel. The white and tan dog regarded Shane and Amanda with wide, excited eyes and slowed his pace, his tail wagging furiously, as if he were contemplating coming over to introduce himself.
‘Come on,’ the woman gave a command and a brisk whistle and her furry companion continued to
run loyally by her side.
‘I’m going back to Scotland and I don’t want you to hate me for it.’ There. Amanda had placed her cards upon the table.
‘I could never hate you.’
‘But?’ Amanda raised her eyebrows expectantly.
‘I refuse to let you go back there alone.’
‘Shane, I don’t have a choice.’ She threw her arms up in frustration and took a step back from him as a fresh wave trickled over her feet, sending a fierce chill straight up her body as though she’d just sat on a poker made of ice. ‘Urgh,’ she moved out of the water which was growing colder with each passing minute.
‘And neither do I,’ the fire in Shane’s voice pushed back some of the cold sensations that were sweeping along Amanda’s skeleton. ‘If you’re going back to Scotland, then I’m coming with you.’
Amanda opened her mouth but no words came out. She snapped it shut again. She felt winded, stunned. And touched beyond measure. This was the Shane she’d grown up with, the loyal, kind, brave guy who seemed genetically destined to be a policeman. He was always putting her first, always keeping her safe. It’d made it so easy to fall in love with him back then.
‘I’m serious.’ Shane moved towards her and rested both hands on her shoulders.
‘You… can’t,’ Amanda croaked over the lump which had formed in her throat. ‘You’ve done so much already. I can’t ask this of you.’
‘You’re not asking, I’m insisting. There’s a big difference. Trust me.’
‘What about work?’
‘How long do you need?’
There was an intensity behind his eyes that Amanda rarely saw. He looked focused and alert. It was the attitude which had helped him rise so high within the ranks of the police force. Gone was the student, the dreamer, who Amanda used to play World of Warcraft with until their eyes burned and their wrists ached. Here was a man – strong and determined. And looking at him, into his confident, assured gaze, reminded her so much of when she’d first fallen for Will. Of how he’d made her feel so safe with just one look.