by S Doyle
I walked into his room and the scent of him grew headier. King size bed, for a future king, with tables on either side. A matching dresser. A spartan chair to sit on in the morning and put on shoes. Other than that, the most dominant feature of the room was the wall covered with shelves that held all his trophies and athletic achievement awards. Mixed in were some plaques announcing his academic excellence as well. It was like a mini history of Fitz, I thought, but in some ways, it wasn’t him at all.
I stood in front of his Shelves of Excellence and the words came out before I could even consider them.
“Do you ever resent your parents?”
I looked over my shoulder and saw he was still standing in the doorway. Almost hesitant to join me in his room. As if, once he crossed over the threshold and we were together in his bedroom, that alone was going to somehow devirginize me.
“No. Why do you ask?”
“Because you always have to be the best. At everything. I guess I’m wondering if that’s because you want it, or they want it.”
“Both.”
I turned to look at him wanting more of an explanation.
“They want me to be exceptional. I want to be exceptional because I know it makes them proud, but also because I know I’m fulfilling my destiny. And yes, that sounds stupidly dramatic, but it’s no less the truth. I was born privileged.”
I opened my mouth to remind him he still had to fight the implicit racism in this country, but he raised his hand to stop me as if he knew where I was going.
“Yeah, I know. I’ve been stopped enough times driving my Audi to know things would be different if I was white. Still, even black I’m privileged. Rich. Well educated. Strong. Healthy. With an entire world of possibilities open to me. My dad reminds me, all the time, where he came from, so I can see how different I have it. I’m not living his black experience and that’s okay by him. I’m living my black experience. It’s on me to carry that legacy forward. To break down more walls. To be the absolute best man I can be because my parents gave me every opportunity to be just that. Being less than my absolute potential would be an insult to them. I love them too much to do that.”
I smiled. I wanted to tell him he was arrogant, but I couldn’t. Arrogance was an exaggeration of achievements and self. There was nothing exaggerated about Fitz. He simply was who he was.
The guy who would save his sister, my sisters, me from harm because if he believed it was in his power to control. He was compelled to act.
He said once I was his equal. I wasn’t.
I didn’t reach for greatness like he did. I didn’t wear it as coat every day like he had to, wanted to.
Fitz was seventeen, but in so many ways, he was already the man he was going to become. This time I had with him, this was my time. Before college, before more twenty-something girls or college co-eds got their hands on him.
For now, he was mine.
“Beth, let’s go downstairs.”
“Why?”
He gave me his impertinent look. “You know why.”
“Afraid I’m going to attack you?”
“Afraid you’re going to tempt me,” he said.
I lifted my chin. “Would that be a bad thing?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because we’re not doing this.” He pointed a finger between us and the bed.
Was he blushing?
“Why not?”
He sighed, his head falling back on his shoulders. “Beth,” he groaned. “Don’t do this to me. It’s hard enough.”
“That’s what she said.”
Now he was growling at me. “We’re not doing this because I’m not taking your virginity as some kind of payout for a bet.”
“Oh, I didn’t actually bet anything,” I confessed. “All the money I make goes toward food, remember?”
I kicked off my shoes and crawled onto his bed on my hands and knees. I think this was supposed to be sexy. When I got to the edge near him, I looked up. This time his expression was something else entirely. I knew this look. I hadn’t understood it before, but this was his I want to eat you up expression.
If the pulsing between my legs was any indication, I wanted to be eaten.
“Fine, then we’re not doing this because you’re not ready.”
“How do you know if I’m ready?”
He sat on the edge of the bed facing away from me. “Because I know you.”
“I can say the words now,” I whispered into his ear. “I’ve been practicing.”
In a crazy sudden twist of his torso, he managed to wrap one arm around my waist and pull me over and onto him so that I was firmly planted on his lap, my knees on either side of his hips, where I could confirm it was hard enough. I pressed tighter against him and he cupped my butt in his hands holding me still.
“I want to do this, Fitz,” I said, my hands on his incredibly wide shoulders. I was so safe with him. So utterly protected. I wanted to cry at the thought of how much I’d missed this feeling since my father left.
“That’s why we’re not going to.”
“Stop patronizing me and do me already.”
He laughed but he shook his head. “See that’s the problem. You don’t want to have sex with me because you’re turned on. You want to have sex with me because you feel like you need something from me. I want you to be desperate for me. You just want to do it. That’s not a good enough reason. It’s not personal enough for me.”
“You’re so fucking noble right now, I hate you.”
He kissed me to make up for it, and I thought, this was where I always wanted to be. I pressed my full body against him and let him have access to my mouth, my soul, my everything. Then I felt his hands slide up the back of my sweater, along my skin and, from the slightest movement of his hand, I could feel the back clasp of my bra was now open.
I pulled away from him and as I did his fingers slid over my rib cage until he was cupping both my breasts in his hands.
I looked at him then, questioning.
“I didn’t say we weren’t going to do stuff,” he said even as his fingers played with my nipples, which were super hard right now. “This is second base, Beth. Now will you let me lift this sweater up and over your head so I can suck on these?”
That sound I made was like a “Annhumm.”
I don’t know if that properly communicated my answer, so I lifted my arms in the air and he pulled my sweater and bra off. He turned me on the bed so that I was on my back then proceeded to play with my naked breasts for what felt like hours until he pressed his jean-covered thigh against my center hard enough and steadily enough that I came.
Then he held me as I shook with the after-effects of my very first orgasm.
“Are you going to be okay?” he asked me.
It was just before midnight. We were sitting in his car parked in front of my house. After introducing me to my first orgasm, he’d made me wait in the kitchen while he attended to some personal business. AKA jacking off in his bathroom. When I’d asked him if I could watch, he’d decided it would be sensory overload for me.
He was probably right.
We’d microwaved pizza bagels and watched Parks and Rec so I could have some downtime and process what had happened. At least that’s what he told me I was doing. I thought we were just snuggling.
Finally, I told him I should leave before his parents got home, and here we were.
“I’m pretty sure you can’t die from an orgasm, Fitz.”
“I don’t know. It was a pretty loud orgasm.”
I punched him in the shoulder, and he laughed.
“Does this mean you’re going to be even more smug with me than you usually are?”
He wiggled his eyebrows. “I made you come. Hard. What do you think?”
“Hmm,” I sighed. “Well, I’ll have to find some way to get the upper hand.”
He smiled brilliantly. “We can arrange for that. Come here, Bennet, and give me a proper kiss.”
“I liked having your tits in my mouth,” he whispered as I bit his bottom lip. Which made me remember what it’d felt like, which made me make that weird sound again.
“Stop,” I whispered. “I’m going to want to do it again.”
“Yes, that’s it. Touch yourself tonight. Think about me and touch yourself. Think about the next thing I’m going to do to you.”
“Fitz,” I said, closing my eyes.
He palmed me over my sweater this time. “See. Do you feel the difference? You want me. You want me to touch you. I want you so desperate for me you can’t think of anything else. That’s when I’ll know you’re ready.”
“I think I’m there now,” I whined.
But he pushed me gently back into the passenger seat. “Not quite. Now go before I change my mind.”
I opened the door and got out, my body feeling this overall buzzy loose energy like I was drunk, only I wasn’t.
“Oh, and Beth.”
“Yes,” I said before shutting the door.
“Next time. Third base.”
Kill me now. I slammed the door shut so I didn’t have to hear his chuckling as I walked away.
I let myself in the house as quietly as I could. There were lights on in the living room, but the room was empty. I could hear giggling coming up from the downstairs basement, but I didn’t consider saying hello or goodnight to the girls. The idea of confronting Gigi when I’d just spent the night letting her brother do naughty things to my body was too much for me to take in currently.
Fitz was right. I needed some alone time to process what had happened. I didn’t even want to talk about it with Star. It felt too intimate. Too mine and Fitz’s to be shared. Slowly, I made my way upstairs, again as quietly as I could, but apparently not quiet enough as my mother poked her head out of her bedroom.
“Beth?”
“Yes, it’s me.” I tried to stay in the shadows in case she could look at me and tell that my nipples were nearly sucked raw.
“Where were you? I got home from the thing and the girls just said you were out.”
The thing was a home party where bored women tried to sell handmade scented candles to other bored women as an excuse to drink wine and tell themselves they were actually holding down a job, despite making little to no money.
“I was with Fitz,” I said, not just because it was true, but because it felt like something I would be saying often in the future and she needed to get used to hearing it.
I could see my mother shaking her head. This might have been because when he hadn’t returned two of my texts and my mother had asked me about him the other day, I might have answered Fitz who?
“Spare me teenage romances,” she sighed.
“I wish I could, but I am, in fact, a teenager.”
She shook her head again. “Good night.”
“Good night, Mom.”
I didn’t ask her if she bought anything at the party. I knew she did because it was exactly the kind of thing she thought she needed to do to keep up appearances. I didn’t have the energy to tell her we couldn’t afford it. Tomorrow would be soon enough.
Once inside my room, I closed the door and flopped down on my bed.
No, I hadn’t had sex tonight, but I’d been sexual and that was also a big deal. Fitz was right, which really was an annoying quality about him. I’d spent so much time and effort thinking about when I was going to lose my virginity and how I was going to lose my virginity and what might happen if I wasn’t doing it at the same time as everyone else was, I missed the point.
Sex was something two people shared because they couldn’t not have sex.
That’s what I wanted with Fitz and that’s where he was taking me. I just had to follow his lead.
Happy to hand over some control of my life to him, I tried to stop thinking about what he might do next time. Changing into cotton shorts and tank top, I slid into bed blissfully happy that tonight had worked out pretty much how I’d wanted it to.
Fitz and I were a couple, and there was nothing the students of Haddonfield High were going to do to break us up.
18
Monday
Fitz
I waited outside the lunchroom for Beth. Last week I knew she’d been avoiding me on purpose and, of course, I’d avoided her all together in a stupid attempt to attract less attention toward her. Then she’d gone and showed up at Wick’s and now the whole school was talking about variations of events happening night.
Not limited to an orgy, a brawl and a drug bust.
Three key components remained the same. Beth went to a party at Wick’s house. I showed up at Wick’s house. I carried Beth off over my shoulder back to my house. Apparently, someone driving by had seen us.
I’d been harassed by every guy in school asking me if I punched Beth’s V card and I snarled successfully at everyone.
My teammate Jeff had the audacity to get pissed. “Hey, I’ve got some serious money riding on this. You are going to tell us when you finally nail her, right?”
He didn’t deserve the effort it took me to snarl at him, so I simply walked away. Now, however, it was important to make a statement. Things had obviously been confusing last week, which meant now I had to make it clear to everyone.
Beth was mine.
I saw her approaching the cafeteria with Reen and Janie and was happy she hadn’t decided to skip lunch. It looked like she was ready to make a statement, too.
I watched her face change when she spotted me. There was this melting effect, like her whole body was getting looser as she remembered what I’d done to her on my bed. Maintaining my control with her had been a Herculean effort, but the effect was glorious. When I had her, when I finally had her, she wasn’t going to be stiff and afraid and too much in her head. Instead, she was going to be screaming my name.
She walked up to me, wearing a small smile. “You’re waiting for me?”
“I am.”
“No more games?”
“No point,” I admitted. Then I bent my head and gently pecked her on the lips. Strictly speaking, there was to be no PDA on school grounds. However, students found creative ways around this all day. But I didn’t need to make out with my girlfriend for the entertainment of others. I just wanted to make the point we were no longer hiding anything.
“So it’s like this now?” Reen said. “Fine. Come on Janie, we can eat alone.”
“You’ll all eat with us,” I said. “I’ve made sure to make room.”
“Or you could just sit with us at our table,” Beth said.
“Politics,” I reminded her. “We’re making a statement. Let’s make it a bold one. You and your crew follow me.”
For a second Beth bit her bottom lip. “Everyone will stare.”
“They’re staring anyway,” Janie said. “Might as well own it.”
That was true. Together, we entered the cafeteria and headed to my traditional table. I’d told Heath and Ed to make sure there was plenty of space and they’d obliged. I took a seat and Beth sat next to me. Then Reen sat across from Heath and Janie sat across from Ed.
“Janie,” Ed said, nodding his head toward her.
“Edward,” she replied softly.
“You call him Edward?” Heath asked.
“His grandmother calls him that. I guess it stuck with me,” she replied but kept her head down. Almost like she couldn’t look at Ed.
There was something going on there but, right now, I had too many mysteries on my plate to consider another one.
“Well, look at the three of us eating together again,” Heath stated. “It’s like the good old Thornfield Home days.”
Reen was watching Heath like he was a snake who might suddenly bite. “Would you call those days good, Heath?”
He shrugged. “The food was a little bland, but the company was decent.”
“Did you eat
together? At meals?” Beth asked.
“Yes,” Janie answered. “It was expected. Six o’clock every night. If you weren’t at the table, then you didn’t eat.”
“That seems harsh,” I said. “Good thing they shut down that place once and for all.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Heath said softly. “None of you Snobs ever do.”
“You have your own room now, a place to call home. People who care about your future,” I pointed out. It was an old argument between me and Heath. “Yet you make it seem like you had it better at the Home. I’ll never understand it.”
“Agreed,” Heath replied. “Well, this reunion has been fun, but some of us have better places to be than in the fishbowl you’ve created for us, Fitz.”
Heath left and I watched as Reen followed his departure, again with a sense of suspicion in her gaze. Or was it fear? Heath could be a jerk, but he wasn’t someone to be fearful of. He didn’t care about anything enough to make anyone afraid of him.
“Reen, you prefer where you are now with the Sumners? Don’t you?” I asked her.
She turned her eyes to me. “Someday they are going to implode Thornfield Home. Clear the land for a new strip mall or something. When that day happens, I want to be the one to push the button and watch it go boom.”
“So I’m right. It was bad.”
I’d never really considered what they had suffered at that place. It wasn’t like any grand scandal had closed it. As far as I knew no one was being abused or mistreated. It was just a government study combined with a lack of funding that ultimately shut it down. However, it now occurred to me no one really talked about their time there. When Lock had brought it up last week, it had surprised me because it’d been so long since I’d even the heard the place mentioned.
“It wasn’t bad for everyone,” Janie said with a small shrug. “It was a lot like high school in that regard. For some it was an easy ride. For others it was harder. That’s probably true of any situation.”
“Bee didn’t like it,” Ed said, pushing his spoon around in what was some kind of soup in front of him. “She used to say she had nightmares about having to go back. Thinking back on it…maybe that’s where it started for her. You know, her problems.”