by Scott Blum
“I wish it was that easy,” replied Don. “They’ve already made it perfectly clear that I need to start paying before I get any more treatments.”
“You should go to my friend Dr. Bernstein. He’s the best oncologist in Eugene.”
“I did. That’s who’s harassing me for the money.”
“Yeah, he’s pretty shrewd,” said Eric with a hint of admiration in his voice. “However, I’m sure he’ll accept a partial payment. Let me pay enough to keep Bernie happy, and you can keep your treatments going.”
Don shook his head.
“Okay,” said Eric. “But let me know if you change your mind. The offer stands.”
“Thank you.”
“Sorry. I wish I had better news.”
Although Don didn’t like the answer, he was happy he had come. He now knew for certain that Suzanne would be responsible for all of the medical bills he incurred, which convinced him once and for all that he didn’t want to do anything else that would add to the debt. “That’s okay,” said Don, feeling somewhat defeated. “It helps more than you know.”
Don got up and shook his friend’s hand before walking to the door. “Thanks again.”
“Don’t mention it. Let’s get together when I get back from Botswana.”
Don knew this was the last time he would ever see Eric, but he decided not to end the visit on a downer. “Absolutely,” he said with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. “Enjoy your trip.”
CHAPTER FOUR
I was thinking …” Suzanne said softly while stroking her husband’s hair. “What would you say to putting your seed on ice so we could have a child after you leave?”
Don burst out laughing. “My ‘seed’? My ‘seed’?! Where did you get that from? Can’t you even say the word?” It was the first time he had laughed out loud in a while, and it felt good. “What am I, a tree, now?”
His laughter was infectious, and Suzanne also let a smile emerge. “Okay, your sperm,” she laughed. “I would like to save some of your sperm so we can have a baby after this is all over.”
Don’s seriousness returned in an instant. “We’ve talked about having children before.”
“I know—the world is a horrible place, and there are too many people in the world … blah, blah, blah. I just thought things were different now.”
“Yes, things are much different now!” Don waved his arms to emphasize the point. “I’m about to die from a genetic disease, and there’s no way I’m going to impose my defective genes on a baby!”
“They don’t know for sure if it’s hereditary.”
“My mother died of cancer. My father died of cancer. My grandfather died of cancer. And now I’m going to die of cancer. How much more sure can you get?”
“I just thought …”
“No, you’re not thinking—that’s the problem!”
Suzanne began crying, and she pulled away from Don when he tried to comfort her.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean it.”
“I can’t talk to you when you’re like this,” Suzanne sobbed while wiping the tears from her cheek with the back of her hand. “This isn’t just about you. I have feelings, too, you know.”
He took a deep breath and spoke slowly, with as much compassion as he could: “I know. But I have to put an end to this cruel joke of a family line, once and for all. Just like my parents should’ve done. I don’t want to leave you alone, but that is not going to happen.”
The next night, Don saw Robert in his dreams for the first time since their initial meeting.
“So you talked to a lawyer,” said Robert.
Don wondered how it was possible for this man in his dreams to know what had happened in his waking hours. Then it came to him in a flash: “Oh, I get it. You’re just a figment of my imagination. You’re not really your own person, are you? I’ve just created you with my subconscious mind in order to help work through some issues. Classic psychology.”
“Don’t be silly—of course I’m my own person. It’s true we’re all connected in one continuous energy field, but I understand you well enough to know that’s not what you meant.”
“Then how did you know I went to see a lawyer? And why do you look just like me?”
“Don’t think too much. You’re going to need to trust me if this is going to work. You need to use your heart, not your head. I want you to get quiet right now and feel what’s happening. Doesn’t your intuition know that what I’m saying is true?”
Don closed his eyes and tried to tune in to his heart. It wasn’t something he was used to, but once he was completely open to what he was feeling, there was a knowing … a complete understanding that what Robert was saying was indeed true. His mind continued to doubt, but the knowing emanating from his heart filled his entire being, and he felt unusually at peace with that knowledge.
When Don opened his eyes, he saw Robert standing in front of him. He still looked like Don himself, but there was a glow surrounding him that was much different.
“I have a question,” said Don after a long pause.
“What would you like to know?”
“Why do I keep seeing clocks with the time of exactly 11:11? Does that mean anything?”
“Of course it does,” replied Robert. “The universe has a long history of using different signs to grab the attention of people who are on their spiritual path. And in recent history, it’s become quite common for the universe to use clocks as signposts to reassure people they’re on the right track.”
“Like a burning bush?”
“Let’s hope you don’t have to see a burning bush before you pay attention.”
“Yeah,” laughed Don. “What would the neighbors think?”
Robert smiled. “Until your intuition becomes stronger, the universe will give you periodic hints to let you know that you are in the flow.”
“‘In the flow’? What does that mean?”
“In the flow of the universe. In some ways it’s remarkably similar to a river. For example, if you lie down on the bank of a river, you won’t go anywhere.
But if you surrender to the current within the river itself, you can travel for miles without any effort. And the flow is the current of our destiny.”
“Everybody always talks about the difference between destiny and free will. I guess you don’t believe in free will.”
“I absolutely believe in free will—unfortunately.”
“Why is that unfortunate?”
“Because the universe has a well-crafted plan for everyone, and most of us ignore it our entire lives. We are so arrogant that we think we know more than anyone else about what’s better for ourselves, and therefore we do everything we can to try to force our will into existence. Which is why most people struggle with life so much—they are so busy trying to live a life they think they want, instead of surrendering to the one that has already been destined for them.”
“So, following your destiny is easier than exercising free will?”
“Absolutely.”
“Well, I guess I’m lucky,” said Don sarcastically. “I guess my life will be much easier now that I’m in the flow.”
“It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to like your destiny; it just means it will be easier to get where you’re destined to go. But more important, you can never take your destiny for granted. Destiny isn’t a destination—it’s a path. You can follow your destiny every day for a week, a month, or even a year and then fall out of it in a matter of seconds. What is lucky is that right now you’ve been given signs to reassure you that you’re on the right path. But don’t get too used to them, because soon they’ll disappear.”
“How will I know I’m on the right path after I stop seeing 11:11?”
“You’ll need to develop your intuition, and then you’ll be able to feel it without any external cues.”
Although Don wasn’t fully convinced that his life was predestined, it had begun to make more sense once Robert explained that h
e still had choice whether to follow what had been planned or not. Sometimes Don wished there was an instruction manual that explained how life really worked. It seemed unfair that he’d had to wait until he was about to die before learning how he should have lived.
“Okay,” said Robert, “let’s get on with it. Unfortunately, your physical pain will be getting a lot worse very shortly.”
It didn’t take much for Don to believe this. The burning in his esophagus had returned during the past week, and the pain had begun to spread throughout his abdomen.
“You have a choice,” Robert continued. “You can live with the pain and let the cancer take its natural course—which will not be easy. Or you can find another doctor who will agree to treat you without insurance. Dr. Bernstein had to treat you at first because you were a referral from the emergency room. But since you haven’t paid him, he’s no longer obligated to continue. I’m sure there are doctors somewhere who will treat you for free, but there isn’t one in Eugene. And you know what the lawyer told you about their fees.”
“That Suzanne will have to pay for everything after I’m gone.”
Robert nodded.
“But isn’t there another option?” Don couldn’t escape the feeling that there was something else he could do.
“Good—you’re listening to your inner voice. However, I think you already know what the third option is. That’s the real reason I’m here, isn’t it?”
Don felt a chill run up his spine to the back of his neck. He did know what the third option was. He had been trying to avoid it at all costs because of Suzanne, but at this point he felt that he ultimately didn’t have a choice. “I could end my own life,” he whispered.
“Is that what you want?”
Now that Don had finally said it out loud, he knew there was only one answer. “Yes,” he said after a long silence. “I think that’s the best thing to do.”
“Okay, then. We’d better get started while you still have your strength.”
CHAPTER FIVE
Over the next three days, Don diligently followed Robert’s detailed instructions. He was surprised by how meticulous the preparations were and concluded that this probably wasn’t the first time Robert had done this.
The most unusual request Robert made was that Don get Suzanne a canine companion to be with her after he left. And it wasn’t supposed to be just any dog, but a very specific one—a female black Lab named Sadie.
Suzanne had wanted to get a dog ever since they’d moved into their own house, but Don wasn’t convinced. He hadn’t wanted to be burdened with the responsibility of feeding and walking one every day in case they wanted to travel. Neither of them were particularly passionate about traveling, but Don always had the fantasy of going to the various local festivals around the world: the running of the bulls in Spain, Carnival in Brazil, the Day of the Dead in Mexico—that sort of thing.
However, when Don saw how Suzanne’s eyes lit up when he suggested they get a dog, he wished they would have welcomed one into their family years ago.
They decided to go to the animal shelter first before visiting a pet store. The idea that they could save an unwanted animal from a tragic fate appealed to them both, and Don was almost as giddy as Suzanne on the way to the pound.
“Are you sure you know where it is?” Don asked.
“Of course I am. I drive past it on the way to work.”
“I bet you stop by every day on your lunch break,” he joked.
“If I did, there wouldn’t be any room for you by now.”
They both laughed, which felt really good. The excitement of bringing home a dog temporarily lifted the heaviness that had been hovering over them.
“Who’s Robert?” Suzanne asked after a comfortable silence.
Don felt the blood rush from his face, and he turned completely pale. He hadn’t ever spoken Robert’s name out loud, and it was startling to hear Suzanne say it. He quickly reached over to the radio and turned up the volume. “I love this song.”
“Who’s Robert?” she repeated.
“I don’t know a Robert.” Don feigned contemplation. “Why do you ask?”
“Because you’ve been yelling his name every night for the past week in your sleep. Was he a childhood friend or something?”
“Hmm … no, I don’t think so.” Don felt like he had been caught in a lie and didn’t know how to get out of it.
“Okay, I was just wondering. Maybe I didn’t hear you right.”
“I don’t remember anyone named Robert from my past.” He found it much easier to remain convincing while qualifying his answer so specifically. “Maybe it’s an imaginary dog I used to play with as a kid.” Don tried to force a laugh that didn’t come out sounding natural.
“Yeah, maybe,” Suzanne said incredulously.
Thankfully they were nearly to the pound, and Don was relieved that Suzanne dropped the subject as soon as they pulled into the driveway.
“Let’s get a puppy!” she exclaimed. She slammed the door and ran toward the entrance of the whiteplanked building, with Don trailing behind.
“We’re looking to adopt,” Suzanne announced to the teenage volunteer who greeted them.
“Dogs to the left; cats to the right,” the volunteer said in a squeaky voice as she waved toward the kennels in the back. “You can spend as much time as you like, but don’t open the cages yourself. Most of the guests are very sweet, but a few are kinda cranky. Once you’ve decided, come and get me and I’ll let you in.”
When they entered the canine section, they saw rows of kennels on either side of them. The floor-to-ceiling chain-link fence and the narrow cement walkway made it feel unusually impersonal.
“This is depressing,” Suzanne remarked.
Don nodded. As they walked in between the kennels, the reaction they got from the residents alternated between silent indifference and thunderous barking.
“They’re all full grown,” she said without hiding her disappointment. “I was hoping to get a puppy.”
“Maybe there’s one on the other side.”
At the end of the long row of kennels was a blue cloth divider that separated the front of the kennel from the back. Don pulled it aside and gestured for Suzanne to go ahead. Many of the kennels on the other side were empty, and when they were nearly to the end, Don looked over at his wife and saw that her eyes were beginning to water. He instinctively put his arm around her while she cried.
“I just wanted a puppy.” Her voice cracked through the tears. “Why can’t I have a puppy?” She leaned against the cages and slid down until she was seated on the floor. Don sat next to her and gently caressed her hair.
“We can go to a pet store after this. I’m sure they’ll have puppies there.”
At that moment a whimper came from behind them, and something nudged Suzanne’s back. When she turned around, she looked at a shiny black dog that was pushing its wet nose through the chain-link fence. And although the dog was fully grown, Don noticed that it retained some of its puppylike features.
“How are you?” asked Suzanne. “Are you uncomfortable in there?”
The dog whimpered again and began to lick Suzanne’s face through the fence.
“Oh, she’s the cutest thing. Do you want to come home with us today?” She opened the latch on the kennel and let the black dog into the hallway.
“She said we were supposed to ask before opening the kennels,” Don said while looking around.
“It’s okay, isn’t it, girl?”
The dog walked around Suzanne and Don three times, deliberately looking at them from all angles before sitting down immediately in front of Suzanne. The dog offered its paw to her as a formal introduction and appeared to smile. Suzanne sat down so they were face-to-face and shook the paw, a huge smile overtaking her face.
It was the first time Don had seen that particular smile in months. It wasn’t forced at all and didn’t have an ounce of irony or trepidation behind it. He could also see that the crow’s-f
eet around his wife’s eyes had deepened, and the wrinkles at the corners of her mouth had become more pronounced from a life of hard living. It was as if moments like these meant much more because of all they were going through.
Don instantly tensed up as he saw the volunteer walking toward them. He was sure they’d done something wrong, but it looked like she was used to it.
“I see you met Sadie,” the volunteer said in a chipper voice.
A chill went down the back of Don’s neck. “What did you say her name was?”
“Sadie,” the volunteer repeated.
“That’s such a cute name,” said Suzanne. “Do you want to come home with us, Sadie?”
“I’m afraid I have some bad news,” said the volunteer. “Sadie’s pregnant, so you probably don’t want her. Is this your first dog?”
“Yes, it’s our first dog, but what’s wrong with being pregnant?” asked Suzanne indignantly. “Of course we want her.”
Sadie put her head in Suzanne’s lap and closed her eyes while her muzzle was gently stroked.
“You can adopt her if you want, but most firsttime parents don’t want to be grandparents so soon.”
“When is she due?” asked Don.
“Very soon—I think in the next couple of weeks.”
“We’ll take her,” said Suzanne. “Come on, Sadie. Let’s go home.”
Sadie and Suzanne went out to the car while Don filled out some paperwork with the volunteer at the reception desk. As he approached the car, there was something he hadn’t seen before in Suzanne’s eyes: a sense of purpose that seemed to unlock an energy deep within her soul.
Motherhood looked very good on her.
CHAPTER SIX
In the days after they brought Sadie home, Robert was nowhere to be found in Don’s dreams. The doppelgänger had previously given additional instructions whenever Don had completed a task, and his absence was unusual.
With every passing night, Don’s health continued to deteriorate. He’d begun to cough up blood every morning, but fortunately it was easy to conceal the ugly effects of cancer from Suzanne when she was preoccupied with Sadie.