by BJ Wane
A young couple got out of the first car, and a father and his two sons the second. “Good morning. If you’re looking to adopt, feel free to walk through the two kennels.” Jackson pointed to the buildings. “The first one houses medium to smaller dogs, the second, bigger canines. I’ll be back in a minute to answer any questions if you find one you’d like a closer look at. I do require a personal and a veterinarian reference before I’ll finalize any adoption, so please keep that in mind.”
A grin split Jackson’s face as the boys demanded a big dog, then he frowned when he caught Matt slipping around to the back of the barn. “That better not be what I think it is,” he muttered, stomping that way. He had warned all three boys about drugs, including pot, before he offered them the positions.
Alex stepped out of the barn as he approached. “What were you guys up to last night?” he snapped. Alex jumped and looked surprised at his attitude.
“We holed up upstairs with a few six packs and played video games until late. Don’t worry, boss, we can still handle the chores,” Alex assured him.
Just then, Matt came strolling back around the barn leading one of the goats by its collar. “Morning, boss. Caught her outside the fence. I’ll check it right away, find out where the break is.”
Jackson blew out a breath, relaxed and apologized. “Sorry, guys. I had a late night.” He glanced back at Matt in time to catch a shrewd look entering his dark eyes before he erased it. “Thanks, Matt,” he told him in a decidedly cooler tone. “If you’d pen her in a stall until the fence is repaired, I’d appreciate it.”
“No problem. Did your late night have anything to do with your pretty houseguest?”
Ryan joined them in time to hear Matt. “Shit, Matt,” he groaned with a scowl at his friend.
Reining in his temper, Jackson ignored the question and reminded himself there’d been a time when his mind lived in the gutter too. Problem was, ever since Julie popped up out of nowhere, he’d been traveling the same path as these adolescent, hormone driven college kids. Another car pulled in as he stated, “Get to work, guys. The more adoptions we can finalize today, the fewer we’ll need to push next week, not that there won’t be more than enough left to choose from for the fundraiser.”
He pivoted, their good-natured grumbling following him as he pulled his big head and his little head off thoughts of Julie and went to work himself. That lasted until he finished the paperwork on the lab mix for the two eager boys and the small ball of fluff that was cute as a button for the young couple. Julie entered the reception room and padded over to him behind the counter wearing loose, cotton shorts that showcased her long legs and one of the tee shirts with the shelter’s logo he kept for sale on a shelf. The band aid on her thigh served as a glaring reminder all was not well with her.
“Thank you,” Jackson told both families, handing over their receipts after checking their references. “We have a complete refund policy up to sixty days, after that I’ll take them back, no questions asked, but no refund. Call if you need help, but like I said, they’re both easy dogs.” He waited until the door closed behind the happy new pet owners before turning to Julie and treating her to a more thorough inspection.
“Don’t worry, I paid for it.” She waved a hand toward the till, obviously misinterpreting his perusal.
“I’m not worried about payment for the shirt, and you damn well know it. You still look tired.” She reddened at his blunt assessment and for a minute, he was taken back to when she was just a naïve fifteen-year-old whose first crush happened to be on the high school’s biggest player. It had taken every ounce of his control not to hunt down the little twerp for forcing his tongue inside her mouth, and he’d been lucky a teacher happened by outside the school where she’d said the guy cornered her. If he’d managed to force anything else, the senior football jock would’ve paid a hefty price. Julie’s mortification when he’d pried what happened out of her had stabbed at his heart, just like now.
Shrugging, she admitted without looking away from him, “I have trouble sleeping even without nightmares. What can I do today to help?”
“Tell me what happened,” he reiterated.
Julie stiffened and didn’t back down, but her voice caught with her reply. “I can’t, not yet. I’m sorry.”
Jackson was the one who shifted his eyes away from her ravaged face, impotent rage suffusing him when he caught sight of numerous, minute white scars decorating her arms. Picking up her right wrist, he pictured a leather cuff wrapped around the delicate joint and hooked to his waist. If she were his submissive, he could order her to talk, or sexually torment her into spilling the nightmare so he would know what he was dealing with and could figure out a way to help her.
“I’m the one who’s sorry.”
“Why? You didn’t do anything.”
“I walked away and then shut you out. Maybe if I hadn’t, whatever drove you to do this,” he traced over the marks, “wouldn’t have happened.”
Even though she loved the feel of Jackson’s large, calloused palm shackling her wrist, Julie tried to pull away, but he just tightened his grip. Since he’d seen her arms and legs last night, she’d thought it wouldn’t bother her to expose her scars. She’d thought wrong. Sucking up her discomfort, she refused to let him harbor any blame, not when all of it lay on her shoulders. “No, you were right to cut yourself off from me. I… lost myself for a while, became someone even I didn’t like. You couldn’t have stopped that any more than you could’ve changed what happened. Trust me on that, please.”
Jackson must have read the truth and sincerity on her face, because when he looked at her, he nodded then dropped her arm. Her wrist felt bare without his clasp, a strange, unwelcome feeling she didn’t understand.
“I’ll have to, since you won’t open up to me. There was a time when you’d tell me anything, without hesitation. I’m sorry for losing that as well.” Another car drove up, reminding him of his duties. “I have customers I need to see to. Take the day off, Julie, walk around, just don’t go too close to the marsh. There are alligators down there.”
There are alligators everywhere, who will rip you apart and leave you broken and bleeding. She watched him walk out, saw him smile at a teenage girl who was pointing toward one of the kennels, and ached. He used to smile at her like that.
JACKSON SPOTTED Sean seated at a corner table in the dim sports bar and threaded his way through the tables to take the empty seat facing his friend. A tied-up NFL game blared from several televisions, but the far corner offered the most privacy with the least amount of noise.
“Thanks for meeting me. Did I interrupt any Sunday plans?”
“No, just some fall yard work that can wait. I took the liberty of ordering the nachos appetizer and a couple of beers since you said you don’t have much time. I figure there must be something important on your mind to drag you all the way into the city this afternoon.” Cocking his head, the psychologist gave him one of his intent perusals that made Jackson want to squirm. “You look tired. What’s up?”
“I am.” He’d gotten as little sleep last night as the night before. Worried Julie would wake with another nightmare and try to harm herself, he’d lain awake, listening for sounds from the other room. After the scare she’d given him, he didn’t trust the small bedside light to be enough to ward off another panic attack. “Do you remember my neighbor, the girl I used to sneak food to, look out for?”
His question didn’t appear to surprise Sean—then again, not much did. “I remember at camp how you would fret over her. We used to give you a lot of grief over it. You haven’t mentioned her in a while, so I figured you outgrew your attachment.”
Hell, Jackson thought he’d gotten over his attachment a long time ago too, but just one glimpse into those extraordinary eyes after six long years, and he’d caved to the need to take her under his sheltering wing again. “Yeah, and it fucking pissed me off. Her parents were a piece of work, exploiting her the way they did.” And look what their s
elfishness led to.
Sean started to reply, then paused when the waitress arrived with their order. “Well, we all had experience with parents who weren’t the best,” he commented with a wry twist to his mouth before biting into a cheese-covered chip.
“Talk about understatements.” Jackson scooped up some spiced hamburger and shoved the piled chip into his mouth then washed it down with a swig of beer. Julie surprised him last night by having dinner ready when he couldn’t find anything else to do that would keep him from heading upstairs where he knew she was waiting. The enchiladas she’d put together from scratch after making a trip into Piedmont for the ingredients were better than anything he’d had out, and he couldn’t help but be pleased she’d remembered his fondness for spicy Mexican cuisine. “We haven’t spoken in years, but she showed up on my doorstep the other day.”
With calm patience that tended to put all of his friends on edge, Sean continued to munch on the food and regard him with quiet interest, not pushing for more. The hard part now was setting aside the guilt over feeling as if he was about to betray Julie’s trust, but since she refused again last night to tell him anything about what brought about the drastic change in her, Jackson didn’t think he had a choice but to get advice on how to deal with her self-destructive affliction and get answers.
“I take it your reunion isn’t going well?” Sean finally asked.
“No, more so now that I’ve caught her in the act of cutting herself after a nightmare. Shit, Sean, nothing has ever freaked me out like that, and she refuses to tell me anything. One thing is clear, something happened while she was in New York, something bad enough to send her over the edge.” He raised pleading eyes to his friend. “What do I do?”
“One thing you can’t do is betray her trust by researching her behind her back. We both know how easy it would be for you to do that, especially since I remember you telling us she’d gone to New York on a modeling contract. My best advice, without knowing more, is to offer her another outlet to distract her from the nightmares. The pain of cutting often gives the person something else to focus on, works to divert their attention from whatever has them stressed beyond coping with. Start there; once you’ve established an alternative, trust should follow.” A small smile lit up Sean’s grey eyes. “If you’re not opposed to expanding on your relationship, I suggest sensation play, if she’d be willing.”
“Actually, I was already thinking along those lines, and no, from some of the looks I’ve caught, I don’t think she’d be opposed, and I know I sure as hell wouldn’t mind. I’m desperate enough to try anything.” Grabbing another nacho, Jackson pictured Julie’s slim body bound on the deck of their yacht, swaying with the glide of the vessel through the ocean as he flicked a flogger or his favorite bamboo spanker on her pale skin.
Sean chuckled. “From the look on your face, you’ve already got something in mind. You didn’t need me after all.”
“Yeah, I did, because I was a hair’s breadth away from researching her just like you advised me not to do.”
Sean cocked his head. “You’re that desperate?”
“You didn’t see her face the other night. Yes, I’m that desperate,” Jackson admitted without qualm.
“Then I suggest you go all Dom on her. Might be just what she needs.”
JULIE TRIED to ignore the letdown feeling she experienced when Jackson took off with nothing more than ‘I’ll be back in a few hours’. He didn’t answer to her, she kept telling herself, and she shouldn’t expect him to alter his plans or cater to her like he used to do. She’d lost those privileges a long time ago and paid a hefty price to find herself again. She couldn’t expect him to embrace her with open arms, and given the looks of frustrated disappointment he’d leveled her way since witnessing one of her panic attacks, he wasn’t in the mood to forgive and forget.
But, damn, she wished he were. Crossing the parking area to the kennels, Julie compared the warmth of the afternoon sun to the heat of Jackson’s hand circling her wrist yesterday, the soothing touch of his finger over the cut on her leg she swore she’d felt deep inside her sheath. After the numbness invading her body the past two years, the burst of sensations from those light touches were as welcome as a rainbow after a long day of gloomy storms. She ached for more, for a look of approval or fond indulgence, for the comfort of his hug and the distracting pleasure of his mouth on hers again. And yet, she knew if she didn’t come clean with him, the odds of getting anything other than his hospitality for a short time were not in her favor. Just thinking about talking about that night again turned her palms damp and set her heart to racing. When she imagined his reaction if she revealed her cowardice, her stomach would churn with nausea. Was it any wonder her stress continued to deprive her of getting a decent night’s sleep, and that she practically vibrated with edginess today with him gone?
There was no denying the pathetic mess she was in.
High-pitched yips from the smaller dogs resonated from the enclosed play area behind their kennels and Julie glanced over to see a group of them frolicking as if they hadn’t a care in the world. Of course they didn’t, now they were under Jackson’s protective wing. Letting herself inside the enclosure, she sank onto the grass and was covered with small, furry, wiggling bodies, their tongues whipping out as fast as their little tails wagged. Laughing, she played with the group, tossed some of the toys lying around and rubbed bellies. She was having so much fun; she didn’t hear Alex come up until he spoke behind her.
“They really like you.”
Pushing to her feet, Julie whirled and flipped him a cheeky grin. “I think they like everyone. They should be easy to find homes for.”
His eyes lit with warmth when he bent and picked up the small pup jumping on his leg. “We just started out here a few weeks ago, but from what I’ve seen, the smaller ones do have the advantage. We’re about ready to head out and I have to put them up. Sorry.”
He was a nice looking young man with bright blue eyes and sun streaked brown hair, but the blatant ogling he and his friends didn’t attempt to hide unnerved her. She couldn’t pinpoint why, as they weren’t any more open or rude than the dozens of looks she’d received as a model, more often when on a shoot. For the most part, the three of them were polite and friendly, so she tried not to judge them for being young and cocky. It seemed to go with the territory, namely their age.
Brushing off her legs, Julie replied, “No problem. I’ll help so you can get done faster.”
“Thanks.” As they each gathered up two dogs and strode over to put them in their cages, he stated, “If you want something to do, there’s a barrel in the storeroom in the barn with treats the goats go for. They like carrots and apples best. But stay away from Thunder. Jackson’s horse is temperamental.”
“Yeah, he warned me about him, but feeding the goats might be fun. Thanks.”
“Just watch your hand, because they sure as hell won’t,” he warned on a laugh. “Oh, I almost forgot.” Alex dug a set of keys out of his pocket. “Jackson left these in the barn. Would you return them?”
Shaking her head, her grin turned rueful as she took them. “Sure, and I’ll be careful feeding the goats.” After they got the dogs kenneled, Julie returned to the house to get a drink and place the keys on the hook by the back door before skipping back down the stairs in time to see Matt, Ryan and Alex walking toward their car. All three lifted a hand to wave goodbye as she strolled toward the barn.
As she stepped inside the cool interior, the odor of hay, grain and animals tickled her nose. It didn’t surprise her to see the neat organization of the rustic space, as she knew how well Jackson took care of all the animals. The livestock stayed out in the pasture until he bedded them down each night, so Julie wound her way toward the rear, looking for the storeroom. Located just inside the back door, it was bigger than she’d imagined, so it took a few minutes to find the barrel in the far corner. Grabbing a handful of carrots, she turned just as the door swung shut with a slam and pitched
the windowless room into total darkness.
Jerking as if struck, she stood frozen in mute surprise, instant panic rising to grip her throat in a vise. It’s fine, I’m okay. The short pep talk worked long enough for her to suck in a breath and call out, “Hello? I’m in here!” Silence greeted her declaration and threatened her shaky control. I can do this; I can do this. There’s nothing to fear. Julie kept up the mantra as she inched across the room, reaching out with one hand to feel her way while refusing to drop the carrots she held in the other. Dread churned in her abdomen when she found the door and it wouldn’t budge.
Sliding down to the floor, she brought her knees up and rocked against the rising wave of panicked terror. I’m fine. I’m okay. Jackson will help me… Jackson… Jackson.
CHAPTER 4
J ackson turned into his drive then slowed when he came abreast of Matt’s car, and rolled down his window to talk to them. “I figured you’d already left.”
Matt nodded. “We started out then saw we’d left a shovel out. I set it inside the back door. See you next weekend, Doc.”
“Okay. Is Julie up at the house?”
Alex leaned forward and looked around Matt. “I saw her heading toward the barn or pasture about ten minutes ago. Haven’t seen her since.”
“Thanks. Have a good week.”
Jackson parked and went to the barn, itching to see Julie. Nothing had changed in the last six years, and whatever trauma she’d suffered that reduced her to taking such fear-induced action urged him to accept that fact faster. Every time he looked up and saw her, every cell in his body leaped to life. Just thinking about tutoring her in sensation play as an alternative to cope with her fearful anxiety sent a frisson of heated lust to pool in his groin. It had been all he could think about on the drive back from Miami; Sean’s advice to go all Dom on her repeating itself over and over.