CHAPTER SEVEN
If I could take back that night at the diner, I would. I would especially take back the part where I gave Hunter my phone number in case he wanted to talk. I want nothing more than to talk to him, but I’m afraid I will say too much and end up causing more pain. That is not something I want to do. Or so I thought. It’s been weeks since the night I revealed myself to him, and Hunter has relentlessly tried to get in touch with me every day since then.
I have spent so many minutes and hours thinking about Hunter, his reactions, his intense emotions, and the connection I felt between us that night. It was like I was a messenger for Ellie. Regardless of his incessant pleas to talk, I can’t help but think all he wants is more answers, ones I cannot and should not give him. The pleads on the voicemails are breaking this heart and, I’m falling to pieces with guilt at the same time.
With a weakness settling in, I stop fighting him off, and I decide to answer his latest text message, agreeing to talk to him even though I am positive this is a bad idea.
Even in a snow storm, Hunter is quick to take the opportunity to speak with me. He meets me at the shop and shovels his way inside, which I’m a little thankful for since I wasn’t looking forward to digging my way out of this place tonight, especially with the shortness of breath I’ve been dealing with lately.
Our confrontation isn’t as heated as I thought it might be after ignoring so many of his calls and messages. Instead, his attention is focused on the shop and a smile quickly finds his lips, which I should not be looking at like I am. This is Ellie’s husband. Is her heart fluttering so hard because she knows he’s here? Or is it because I feel attached to this man in a way I shouldn’t?
“Ellie would have loved it here,” Hunter says. I’m at this shop because of Ellie, but I’m sure he doesn’t know that. Her passion beyond teaching was flowers, and this was how I could thank her for my life. This shop was one way I could memorialize her.
More small talk fills the air, but it’s like the words are swirling above our heads while I try to figure out the look in Hunter’s eyes. He’s focused on me like I’m about to tell him everything he wants to hear; yet, the words have stopped and the silence is heavy. Hunter, why are you looking at me that way? He shouldn’t be looking at me like this? I shouldn’t be looking back at him the same way. Ellie was my friend. She was in love with Hunter and Hunter was in love with her. Now Hunter’s heart is broken, and I have Ellie’s heart. Their hearts were always supposed to be together. Could that be the pull I feel? It doesn’t make sense, but what sense could it make? How could I even know what is supposed to happen or what’s “normal” in a rare situation like this.
Before I can conjure another thought, Hunter’s lips are on mine. For only a split second, I consider pushing him off of me, but Ellie’s heart is dancing in my chest, and it’s beating to a rhythm I’ve never felt before. It’s like she’s living inside of this heart, and I would be cruel to stop the feeling. She is the tie between us, and I allow his lips to continue exploring mine until the feeling subsides and our lips part. The soul connection and reaction between us has broken, and now I’m left with remorse and confusion. Ellie’s heart is yearning for more, and my brain is telling me this is so entirely wrong for too many reasons, one of those reasons being that Hunter mentioned having a girlfriend during our conversation at the gardens. I would never want to be the cause of anyone’s pain if he still was and right now I would be partially responsible for it.
Babble spills from my mouth in response to what just happened, and the first words I can recognize from my own lips are, “Don’t you have a girlfriend?” That should stop all of this right away.
“No,” he says. Hunter is quick to tell me that isn’t the case anymore. He’s also quick to tell me how much confusion I’ve added to his life.
“Why did you kiss me if I’m adding confusion to your life?” I ask.
His response is so simple, almost too simple when he says, “I wanted to.”
The more seconds that pass, the more I realize this isn’t right. “I don’t think you want to get involved with me, Hunter.” Is that what this even is? Him getting involved with me? I can’t be silly enough to think it’s purely because of me. It’s because of Ellie…her heart.
“Why?” he asks with pain. I want to tell him his feelings must be confusing because of the heart in my chest. I can understand that. I would want to be near her heart too if I were him. “Why?” His question repeats with more haste this time since I didn’t respond to him a minute ago.
I surprise myself when I speak out an answer I had not considered. “I’d fall for you.” I don’t fall for men. I don’t enter into relationships or friendships with men. So why am I falling for the one man I should never fall for? Especially if there is a women out there who could give him a future. He should have stayed with her. I will end up hurting him, and the thought of hurting him, of all people in this world, hurts me, telling me I should run away and refuse to ever talk to him again. Except, he came here for a truth I was going to refuse to give him. Now, I feel I owe it to him.
Ellie’s secret pours from my mouth, and I feel her heart break with every word I speak. I tell him how Ellie knew she was not likely to survive childbirth. I tell him about the aneurysm she hid from him, and how it was caused by an accident they were in at seventeen. I tell him why I can understand her reason for keeping this information secret. Through all of the pain I knowingly just caused Hunter, and most likely Ellie’s soul, he’s still looking at me like I’m something more than just the heart he loves. It’s like his heart has shattered so much that it doesn’t know how to recover, and his feelings are erratic and out of place. How can he be so hurt and yet so enamored by me at the same time? It’s like a hurricane of emotions, moving through the waves of remorse, despair, hope, and need. Except, it looks like one of those emotions is winning out, because he’s looking at me like he needs me.
I can’t fill that role in his life.
Now, he wants the truth about why I can’t get involved with him. He wants to know why I would even hint toward that. I can give him a million reasons, the most important being that we were both connected to Ellie. Though, while that is the most important reason, the second most important reason has nothing to do with Ellie, and I don’t feel as guilty keeping that reason a secret. “We all have our secrets, Hunter. Mine is my reason for everything.”
I would think my words would come across clear, but he seems more confused, and I feel the same as I see his eyes darken as if a cloud were bearing low over our heads. Suddenly, Hunter’s fingers are weaving through my hair, and before I can think of the reason I should be stopping this, I’m kissing him back. His hand is on my chest, feeling the other side of the heart I’m feeling. It’s talking to both of us, encouraging the momentum to continue, and it does as his tongue twists around mine. His actions cause a wild sensation to blaze through me, and like a wildfire, I feel so out of control right now I don’t know whether to stop this or make it continue. My thoughts are blurry, and I realize I have never been kissed like this. I don’t think Hunter knows that, and I’m sure he would be surprised, especially at my age, but I’ve spent my life being sick, not being sought after, or appealing to anyone. This is what I have refused to endure—the feelings I will not be able to forget and the emotions I will not be able to ignore.
It’s like Ellie brought us together, but would she have done that if she knew my destiny was not as long as we hoped it would be?
When he pulls away, my lips are both tingling and numb at the same time. Enchanted by the sensation he left behind, I feel the need to touch them.
Regardless of our connection, we hardly know each other, but I have to wonder if that connection is all it takes to create this chemistry I can’t ignore. “What do you feel?” I ask him. I have to know.
“Your heart,” he tells me quickly.
“And I feel her heart,” I reply. Whether there is chemistry or not,
I refuse to deny the truth of… “You're in love with this heart, that’s all this is.”
“Ari, that’s ridiculous,” he says.
“The flowers, the scents, the truths, this heart—it’s her, not me, Hunter. You don’t know me.”
As if it were his last playing card, he mentions the letters…the letters I sent to him over the past five years. He gives me the reason I couldn’t come up with on my own. “I do know you. I know every word you have written to me over the past five years.”
It’s hard to argue with his reasoning. I can’t be naive enough to think he wants to be with me for reasons other than Ellie’s heart. I see a need he has and that’s to be near this heart that beats inside me. Even when I tell him again how wrong I am for him and how I will never be a part of his future, his pursuit is as strong as ever, and he seems eager to prove me wrong.
***
A relationship is not the same when you’ve taken a heart that once belonged to the man you’re with. Even through all of my guilt, my attachment and connection with Hunter has done nothing but grow. Every day that passes, he spends the time making this heart in my chest beat the way I think it must have once beat. We both feel things for each other because of this heart and it’s hard to deny it the compassion it deserves.
For weeks, Hunter has spent time with me at the flower shop, learning everything there is to know about me. All the while, I have done my best to keep this heart and mind connected, and in check at all times. This relationship is for both of us, so he can spend the time with the woman who owns a piece of his wife, and so I can feel as though I’m doing justice for her heart. It is the most bizarre situation I could have ever imagined happening to me, but at the same time, I feel like I’m doing something so incredible. The distractions we’ve built have made me forget about my self-pity and lack of self-worth while I focus on him and the happiness I feel like I have given him and he has given me. He’s an amazing man, and he has given me hope for a future I just might have.
Though, as I’ve learned too many times before, hope can only take me so far…
CHAPTER EIGHT
“Mom, you didn’t have to come with me today,” I tell her.
“Honey, I haven’t missed an appointment yet, and I’m not about to start now,” she argues.
The truth is, she has missed an appointment because I didn’t tell her about the last one. My shortness of breath has grown worse and the dizzy spells have been occurring more often. I’m familiar with the symptoms, and I’m no longer afraid of them. What I am afraid of is hearing the words come from a doctor’s mouth, which is a trigger for me to calm Mom down and everyone else whose lives I will be affecting. Today is an example of the precise reason I have warned Hunter not to get involved with me.
We’ve been involved, though…involved in so many ways, and after just a couple of short months, I know how much we need to be in each other’s lives. Except now I’m going to have to make sure he knows how little he can be in my life, even if it’s a complete lie.
When the door opens and my name is called, Mom and I follow a nurse into my doctor’s office. “I’m sorry you have to hear this, Mom,” I tell her. “Again.”
“Honey, it’s all in your head. You’re going to be just fine. You’ll see,” she tries to assure me. She’s really trying to reassure herself, though.
As we sit in the office behind my doctor’s large wooden desk, we wait for him to bring in the results of the blood work I had done a few days ago.
“How is Hunter and that adorable daughter of his, Olive?” Mom asks. She’s smitten over Hunter, but mostly because I haven’t been honest with her on how I came to know him. I’m not sure anyone could understand this situation, and some things aren’t worth the argument with Mom and Dad so I offer up the small details and let them create the rest in their heads. If I know Mom as well as I think I do, she is already planning our wedding and our children's names. This, in itself, breaks my heart. I will never get married or have kids. My confidence with this is strong, even without knowing the results my doctor is about to go over. I just know.
It seems like forever before the doctor comes in. It seems to take even longer for him to tell me I have less than a year left with this loaner heart of mine. It seems like it takes little to no time for Mom to melt into a puddle on the ground of this doctor’s office. Yet, I’m numb to it all. She’s begging for a retest, and I’m begging for everyone to leave me alone. The most this doctor can offer is to prolong my life by a few months, and I’m not willing to go through the horrendous treatments for little to no outcome. This time, I’m accepting my reality, and I’m living the days I have left until there are no more days to live.
I feel grateful for having time to fix my mistakes and right my wrongs, even if it’s only one wrong. Hunter. I would rather break his heart now than break it the same way Ellie broke it.
What I didn’t know is that he would be a masochist for heartbreak.
CHAPTER NINE
SIX MONTHS LATER
Now that I’m really dying, I feel less emotion, less of the hurt I’m causing, less of my own pain I’m enduring. I just feel less. Romance is not important to me. Companionship will only hurt the other half. Even friendships need to be put on a permanent hold. Right now, I need to be alone with my thoughts, which is ironic, since I will likely be alone with my thoughts for an infinite amount of time if that’s how it all works. I wish I could fall asleep with this long, drawn-out image of the perfect love story, but from the first day Hunter kissed me, I knew it was to heal him, even if I felt every second of it. When there is no future to consider, it’s hard to feel a normal kind of love like people typically feel when developing a relationship, so instead I have cherished the time I’ve gotten to know Hunter and the amazing man he is and will always be. While our relationship was never about the normal things most couples need, I’ve gotten so much out of us, even if it ended quickly.
I pushed him away, so hard, but in return he pushed my brick wall down and grabbed a hold of me, refusing to let go. I made him reconnect with the woman he put aside for this heart in my body. I made him see that this heart is not meant for longevity but for memory keeping. I made him see that this heart is not tangible, therefore, it will always be here in both thoughts and memories, even if the body carrying it is gone.
Now I’m here, lying in a hospital bed on Christmas. My last Christmas. It was the day after Christmas just six years ago that I was given a second chance at life. Six years was a gift. This year, my gift is to relieve those who love me from the fears they live through day after day. Soon, there will be no more tears for my parents when the phone rings in the middle of the night. Soon they won’t have to wonder what the next doctor's appointment will bring. Soon, they will be able to slowly begin to heal and start a life without living in a constant state of worry.
Hunter is going to get his second chance. His real second chance. He has a woman who loves him and a daughter who looks at him like he’s her world. I’m going to leave this world knowing I’m leaving behind a man who is less broken than he was, and a family that will finally have a chance to rebuild their life. It’s all I could ask for this Christmas.
A knock on my hospital door surprises me since I wasn’t expecting Hunter and company so soon today. He mentioned they’d be here around noon and it’s only ten. Mom and Dad just left for a little while and told me they’d be back after lunch. When the door opens, the curiosity I had, turns into shock.
“Piper?” I croak.
“I am so mad at you, Ari. So mad at you!” she cries out, running to my side. “How could you?”
I smile faintly, using as much energy as I can. “I wasn’t about to ruin your fairy tale,” I tell her.
“You lied to me every time I’ve talked to you,” she argues. “Were you not planning to say goodbye to me?” She’s in tears, and she’s hugging me so tightly it hurts.
“Goodbyes are harder,” I tell her.
“That’s not for you to decide, Ari,” she cries. “That’s not fair. How much longer do you have?”
“Should be any time now, according to the doctors,” I tell her.
“Why are you talking like you’re waiting for your cab to arrive?” She’s nearly scolding me, and I understand because I don’t expect her to understand the lack of feelings I have right now. Beyond the mind-numbing medications they are pumping through me, it’s hard to feel much else. There’s no purpose in feeling much else. I’m determined to feel nothing at all and just wait for my ride to arrive, as Piper put it.
“It’s just the way it has to be,” I tell her. “How did you find out?”
“I came home for a bit and wanted to surprise you, but found your Dad working at the shop, and he told me what was going on,” she explains.
“Me too,” a voice says from the door. I hardly recognize the voice but after a long second, I do know it, as well as the scent, and then his face.
“Dax,” I say quietly. “What are you doing here?”
“Your dad kind of has a big mouth, and then I ran into Piper, who has a bigger mouth.” His smile fades after his words end and he shakes his head with either shame or despair. The despair part is something I’m used to seeing; the shame part, I’m not. He has nothing to be ashamed of, though. I pushed him away just like I push everyone away. It’s for their sake, not mine. “Did you know it would be so soon?”
Christmas in the City II Page 17