by Becky Norman
“Yes,” she acknowledged.
“And since his death,” Noel continued, “haven’t you had to tap into resources deep inside yourself to keep going, rather than rely on others?”
“Yes,” she whispered, thinking of the struggles she’d been through since Cody’s death, the things she’d had to do on her own.
“You’re a much stronger woman today than you were last year. That’s Cody’s gift to you.”
Lori grimaced and shook her head. “But why did he have to die for that, Noel?” she pleaded, still not understanding. “I could have learned to be independent without him dying –” She broke off on a sob and rubbed a hand over her eyes to stifle the tears and shield her from the sympathetic looks of Jeret and Lynta.
Noel stood up and walked over to her, kneeling down next to her chair and resting his hands on her leg. “Lori, you view the situation now as something you should feel guilty for – as though Cody had to give up something in order for you to gain your independence.”
She turned to look incredulously at him. “But he did! He gave up his life for me, is what you’re saying!”
Noel looked up at her and shook his head. “No. He didn’t give up anything, Lori. He gained...everything. Do you honestly believe there’s less where Cody is now?”
She paused, thinking about where Cody might be.
“No, I guess not,” she conceded.
Noel squeezed her leg lightly. “There are no losers in this, Lori. There can’t be because nothing’s ever lost.”
**********
Lori stood out on the porch in the dark, listening to Noel rattle dishes in the kitchen as he made them tea. Lynta and Jeret had just driven away into the night and she knew she should get inside soon – the cold was penetrating the layers of the cardigan sweater she’d wrapped around herself and her breath steamed out in white wisps. The first few snowflakes of the season were drifting around in the sky; she wondered if they’d have any on the ground come morning.
Still she lingered on the porch, not wanting to start up another conversation with Noel. He had given her a lot to think about, that was certain. She felt herself unwittingly maturing and dug her heels in rebelliously. What was so wrong about wanting to have someone protect her, anyway? Why should she be alone just because a snow leopard lived that way? She wasn’t a bloody cat, after all. She came from old farming stock and in that way of life, women fell in love, got married, and had babies – that was the natural order, the way she wanted it to be. She had her job – it wasn’t like she was living the ‘50s American housewife existence, but that didn’t mean she didn’t like the idea of home and family surrounding her, either. It was ridiculous to think Cody would have left because of that. Ridiculous.
The first one came so quickly, she barely had time to gasp before it was gone and she was left wondering if she had just imagined it. Then the second falling star shot across the sky, burning out in a streak of flame, and she gasped again. She turned to look into the house and saw Noel was just coming out the door.
“Noel! Come quick! Look!” She pointed out to the night sky as a third meteor went streaking above the trees in the front yard.
“Wow,” he murmured softly as he came up behind her, setting the mugs of tea down on the porch railing but never taking his eyes from the meteor shower.
He stood behind her and they watched in rapt silence as one after another the meteors blazed out their final light in the darkness. Lori shivered briefly as one particularly bright one flared out near the horizon and then jumped imperceptibly as Noel wrapped his arms around her.
“Are you cold?” he murmured softly and she nodded.
He gathered her in against his chest and rubbed her exposed arm vigorously until his body heat enveloped her. She could feel her heart pounding like a native singer’s drum as he held her. Certainly he’d touched her before, but this was completely unlike the emotions she’d felt then. This meant something altogether different, tonight.
“There’s another one,” he whispered in fascination, his breath ruffling her hair and curling around her left ear.
She felt as though she were being drawn back by a magnet and summoned the courage to lean back against him.
“‘Panther leaping across the sky,’” she said softly and felt him tense ever so slightly behind her.
“Yes,” he acknowledged. “This is how it begins,” he added cryptically.
She turned to look at him and his arms barely loosened enough for her to pivot and face him. He kept her close and she could feel his heart was pounding, too. Somehow or other, her arms had made their way around his shoulders and he gathered her in close against him, his eyes as black as the night around them. He leaned forward, slowly as a cat following a particularly tantalizing bit of prey, and kissed her.
The kiss was deep, slow, and thorough, leaving Lori breathless and bent back over the porch rail slightly. His arms remained supporting her, but his lips lifted slightly off hers with a groan and she could feel the warmth of his hands on the small of her back.
“Ah, Lori,” he breathed and then his mouth returned to her cheek and jaw line, buried itself in the soft, warm skin of her neck before returning to caress her lips with his own in a second hungry kiss.
She had just taken the first tentative steps towards stroking his raven hair, her fingers buried in the inky locks, when she felt him tense again and a thrill of danger washed over her as she opened her eyes and saw the expression on his face. He was staring out past her at something in the driveway, his eyes riveted as he held her tightly against him, breathing raggedly.
“Lori,” he said softly, and the hair rose up on the back of her neck at the tone of his voice. “Do you remember what I said about choosing love or fear in every moment?”
She nodded, though he must have felt her response rather than saw it, since his eyes never left what he was watching out behind her in the dark.
“Choose love,” he said and pulled her up to a standing position off the porch rail.
He turned her gently and Lori swivelled around until she was facing the driveway, too.
At first, she didn’t see them. They were deep in the shadows, away from the light of the house, but when they saw her move it was as though she’d invited them forward and they slid, ghostly, up the cobbled walkway to the porch.
The black panther was in the lead, a great, monumental hunter of alarming proportions. He moved with a killer’s grace up the walk and slid up onto the porch as though he owned the place, his searing yellow eyes standing out dramatically against his blue-black fur.
The snow leopard was more delicate of feature and the intensity of her gaze was lessened by the fuzziness of her face, yet she, too, moved with a lethal elegance up onto the porch and took her place next to the panther as they stood in front of the door, looking up at the humans.
“Noel,” Lori whimpered, petrified, and he grabbed her left hand with his right, interlacing their fingers tightly.
“Shhh,” he soothed. “It’s alright. I know this guy.”
He let go of her hand and squatted down in front of the panther, sending Lori into paroxysms of fear. “Choose love,” Noel reminded her from the deck boards.
He reached out, palm extended, and let the big black cat smell his hand. The panther licked it in familiarity and Noel smiled, lightly rubbing the enormous black head between the ears.
“Lori, allow me to introduce you to my shadow – the one who has been visiting me since I was a child.” The panther looked at Noel with eyes full of understanding and lifted an impressive, heavy paw to rest across Noel’s arm, effectively claiming him.
Lori noticed her mouth had gone completely dry and tried with difficulty to swallow. “Is that Min?” she finally choked out as she watched the lighter-boned grey leopard take a delicate step forward and sniff the air around Lori.
“No,” Noel said softly, turning to look at the female cat with appreciation. “Mi
n is a messenger, there at the zoo. This one is part of the mist – she’s yours. I’m thinking she is similar to my companion, here – not everyone can see them. They are...spirit. Not skin. But they’re here to help us, I think.”
“Well, they look real to me,” Lori breathed.
“Oh, they’re real,” Noel assured her. “But not everyone can see them. Only those that look.” He reached out to stroke the cheek of the snow leopard and she leaned heavily against his hand in greeting.
“Come down,” Noel encouraged, looking up at her.
Lori knelt next to him, her legs shaking all the way down, and was immediately greeted with the grey-green eyes of the snow leopard inches from her own. She felt as though she were staring into the eyes of the oldest soul in the universe. Human and cat read each other’s lives, exchanged histories, as they looked into one another and it felt as though an eternity passed for Lori before the black panther stepped forward and butted heads with her in greeting.
Lori laughed in shock and lightly pushed the panther away. “Hello, Noel’s shadow,” she said. “Would you and Mist like to come in?”
Lori glanced at Noel, not sure of the protocol of inviting spirit-cats into the house, and found he was smiling at her.
“Mist?” he asked with a cocked eyebrow. “I like that.”
“Yes, well,” Lori explained, “you said she came out of the mist...it seemed fitting.” She paused and shrugged her shoulders. “As long as she likes it, I guess we’re okay.”
**********
Noel watched as Lori opened the front door and Mist and Shadow walked gracefully inside with a casual assumption that the place now belonged to them. Their presence was undeniable – the energy around them was intense – and he couldn’t help but constantly look down at them as they glided around the house. The kittens were fascinated by them and followed their large counterparts around as though they were long-lost parents. He noticed that Lori, too, kept watching them, obviously affected by the highly-charged atmosphere that surrounded the big cats.
He didn’t know whether to be upset or grateful for their arrival. Those kisses on the porch had been the most intoxicating thing Noel had ever experienced and if the leopards hadn’t shown up, there’s no telling where he’d be right now. But Noel also knew without a shadow of a doubt that he had made a mistake tonight. Even after telling her that self-reliance was the most important gift Cody had given her, even after trying to stress how important it was for her to be alone, he had wanted more than anything to take her upstairs and become an integral part of her life.
If she had whispered to him, there on the porch tonight, that she wanted to rely on him for the rest of her life, he would have accepted in a heartbeat. And where would that have gotten them? What could she possibly learn about self-reliance if he was here, taking care of her?
Well, blast it, anyway, he thought as he watched the kittens attack Mist’s long tail in the kitchen. Leave it to you, Noel, to fall in love with the one woman who shouldn’t fall in love with anyone.
He sighed heavily and looked over to see that he was being watched by Shadow. The panther came over, striding with a heavy, deliberate purpose and looked at Noel out of the tops of his eyes, his expression eloquent without making a sound. Noel reached out and caressed the big head, then murmured “thank you” so only Shadow could hear.
The cat seemed to understand, as well: after brushing his body against Noel’s legs, he walked over to the living room and lied down between the couch and loveseat, essentially making himself comfortable for the night. They weren’t going anywhere soon, apparently.
Mist made her way over, as well, drawing Lori behind her to the loveseat and when Lori sank down onto the cushions, the snow leopard jumped up next to Lori and put her paws across Lori’s lap, effectively blocking Noel from any further contact. He sat down on the couch and Shadow moved over to lie across Noel’s feet. Noel patted him absently while Lori tentatively stroked the cheeks of the leopard near her face.
“Has Shadow ever...er...hurt you, Noel?” she asked as she continued to rub her knuckles against Mist’s face.
Noel shook his head. “No. Mist is here to protect you, Lori. And guide you. They won’t harm us – you can trust them implicitly.”
“But they look so dangerous,” she said as she shifted slightly under the weight of her cat.
“Well, they can be – don’t think they’re not capable of hurting someone. But it won’t be you.”
Mist’s exceptionally long tail flicked back and forth over the arm of the loveseat, tapping out a rhythm in time to Lori’s petting.
“Where did they come from?” she finally asked in a whisper, obviously in awe of the regal animal at her side.
“I’m not sure,” Noel admitted. “I don’t remember the first time Shadow came to me – it was probably in a dream. I was pretty young. So I don’t remember how I called him the first time, but since then...he’s just shown up every time I’ve called for him to be there.”
Lori glanced at him, then back at the leopard. He noticed that her hair was eerily similar to the coat of Mist; there were definite black rings forming in the grey now.
“Did you call Shadow tonight then?” she asked softly.
Noel shook his head then realized she probably wasn’t looking at him. “No. I think he’s here tonight to bring Mist to you. I’ll have to call Jeret and Lynta and see if they’ve had any brushes with their cats when they get home tonight, too. They’ve only had dreams about the jaguarundi and lynx – just like you had – up until this point. I wonder if all of the cats are being summoned tonight.”
Lori looked at him sharply. “Do you think the meteor shower had something to do with it?”
Noel shrugged. “Anything’s possible, I suppose. I guess only time will tell.”
He kept to himself his other suspicions.
Chapter 19
True to her word, Lori returned to the doctor a week after her last visit, anxious to see what the outcome would be. Mist and Shadow had remained through the night that first evening, while Noel and she stayed up talking about Noel’s memories of Shadow’s previous visits.
In the following morning, when she had come downstairs from her bedroom, she found Noel making her breakfast and the big cats gone. They had pointedly stuck to discussing the absence of Shadow and Mist and avoided all discussion of the kiss. Lori had attempted a few times, awkwardly, to steer the conversation back to that time on the porch, but Noel was either oblivious or was purposefully deflecting the subject. He had made no further moves towards her and she was hurt and confused by the distance she felt between them.
Still, he had been a great help in driving her to the doctor today and he was still one of her closest friends at present, so she resolved herself to shut down the feelings he’d stirred in her that night and pretend it had never happened, just like he was doing.
But it was difficult to do when he sat so confidently in the chair across the room, his sleek black hair, beard-moustache combination, and blazing black eyes reminding her of some handsome, rakish swashbuckler of old. All he needed was a cutlass at his side and a gold tooth or two and he would fit the bill entirely.
Her thoughts were abruptly ended by the doctor coming into the room with an astounded look on his face yet again.
“You are completely healed,” he announced without preamble. “I cannot believe it, but you are.”
Lori shot Noel a look that he returned in full measure. The kittens had been faithfully purring against her hand every night and clearly had done miraculous work...but it wasn’t something that could be discussed or divulged with the doctor.
He gave clearance for the cast to come off and when all was finished and Lori could once again freely move her hand, they headed home. Noel suggested they stop at a local drive-in for a treat and Lori agreed with eagerness.
She ordered French fries and a chocolate malt and watched Noel from the corn
er of her eyes as she ate in the truck. She still wanted to bring up the kiss, wanted to ask him where they went from here, but she wasn’t certain how to begin. While she was framing the words, however, Noel started a conversation of his own.
“Lori, now that you’ve got use of your hand again...do you think maybe you could handle things around the farm on your own?”
She paused in mid-bite of a fry, setting it back down in the basket in her lap, and turned to look at him. He wouldn’t meet her eyes – instead he studied the windshield wiper in front of him – and she cleared her throat nervously.
“I suppose...but you don’t have to leave if you don’t want to, Noel. I thought...maybe...”
He said softly, firmly, “I should be getting back to Toronto, Lori.”
“Oh.” She looked down at her lap, devastated.
There was a charged silence between them and she could feel him now looking at her, but she didn’t know what to say and certainly didn’t want to show him how painful his sudden rejection was.
“Lori, I do appreciate the offer and for me, personally, I would love to stay with you.”
He placed a couple of fingers under her chin and raised her head so that she looked head-on into his intense gaze. “I would,” he emphasized. “But you know that Jeret and Lynta also met their cats for the first time the night Mist and Shadow came to us and I have to get back and see what it all means.”
He lightly removed his fingers and she felt her head tip up subtly, following his touch. She gave him a deep, searching look for a moment, needing more, but he didn’t speak.
“So that other night...during the meteor shower...that’s...over now?” She could barely say the words and they came out in the voice of a little girl.
His gaze sharpened on her and he reached out to hold her hand, his other coming back to her face, this time to cup her cheek.
“No, it’s not over,” he assured her with a passion in his voice that warmed her heart. “It’s just beginning. But I can’t stay with you, Lori. We’ve talked about this before. You’re here to learn something about yourself. Everything that’s happened to you in the past year...it’s all to help you on your journey to become a beautiful, self-reliant woman. And I can’t help you with that if I’m here. But Heaven knows...I want to be,” he added with a rueful smile.