by Ford, Mia
“What the hell?” I asked out loud.
“Sounds like you have that stomach flu going around.”
The voice that answered my rhetorical question to nobody belonged to Theresa Andrews who just came out of the stall next to mine and was now washing her hands and checking her makeup in the mirror. I hadn’t known anyone else was even in the bathroom with me.
She’d heard me puking my guts out for the last ten minutes. It was the third time that day that I’d vomited. I really wanted to leave work and go home to bed, but I had too much work to do; besides I hadn’t been with the company enough to build up sick time, which was accrued each pay cycle.
“Shit, I hope not,” I said. “I can’t afford to get sick.”
“When did you start feeling this way? I hear it comes on strong but leaves really fast,” Theresa said.
“I’ve been doing this actually for the past four days,” I said. “I don’t know what is wrong.”
“Well, that doesn’t sound like the stomach bug then,” Theresa said. “Maybe you’re pregnant,” she laughed.
I smiled and nodded.
“I doubt that,” I replied.
But the moment she said it, even though she was clearly joking, all of my worst nightmares came true in my head. I hadn’t actually thought of this until right then, or at least I hadn’t let myself think of this possible scenario until right then. Jesus… what if I was pregnant. What the hell was I going to do? What the hell would we do? This couldn’t be happening. This was not real… It truly was like some sort of a nightmare.
“Hope you feel better,” Theresa said walking out of the restroom.
I stood there in front of the mirror looking at myself. My eyes were kind of bloodshot and my body was hunched over a bit. It was one of the few positions I could hold myself in where I didn’t feel the crippling nausea.
I took several long, deep breaths and just tried to focus on not being ill. And I had to get my head back into the work game. I was closing in on the finishing touches of the project I’d been working on since I started. I was almost ready to present it and God willing the partners would love it and the client would love it. Then I’d be on the map, well on my way towards what I hoped to be a long and productive career track.
All of that could be derailed by a baby.
It was then that the real reason behind my nightmarish visions and gripping terror echoed through my mind. If I was pregnant then I was pregnant by my first cousin. My first cousin…
Sam… oh, Sam… I loved him so much. It had been a month since we’d thrown caution to the wind and embarked on this wild whirlwind romance. And it was everything I ever thought a real romance would be. I loved him and he loved me. But how the hell would he feel about this? If I was pregnant, it would be the end of us, right? What would I do? What would we do together?
How would our families react? We still hadn’t told them anything about us, but we were reaching the point in our relationship where we realized that we were going to have to tell them. We couldn’t keep us a secret forever; that was no way to live. I saw us in it for the long haul. I didn’t even entertain the notion of ever being with or falling in love with anyone else in my lifetime. Sam was it for me. As crazy as it still sounded, that was what I wanted for my life.
But now with a baby on the way… it would destroy everything.
“Get a grip,” I said to myself. I splashed some water on my face and continued to breathe deeply. I had to calm down.
I didn’t know if I was pregnant. I hadn’t seen a doctor or taken a test even. That was it. I’d take the test and when it came back negative then I wouldn’t even have to bother Sam with it. I had some stupid stomach thing and it would work itself out. That was it. I knew it.
That had to be it… it had to be.
I finished the rest of the afternoon like some kind of a zombie sipping water and hoping it stayed down. So far nothing else had. I was starving and I felt weak and a bit trembly. I needed nutrition, but I couldn’t keep anything down so far. I would just have to tough it out.
When I left work I drove instantly to the local Walgreens pharmacy and bought a home pregnancy test. I knew that these tests weren’t a hundred percent effective, but it was a start and it would give me peace of mind at least.
When I got home, Sam was out luckily. He and his father were doing their monthly golf game and apparently they weren’t done yet. I didn’t know why Sam even went to those games. He always came back in a bad mood and he would spend the rest of the evening complaining about what a giant jerk his father was.
I went to the bathroom, read the instructions, and peed on the little stick that came with the test. Then all there was left to do was wait.
Walking into the kitchen, I grabbed a box of cookies and began munching on them. I was sure that the cookies would make me barf again, but I was too hungry and nervous to really care. I just wanted to see what that test said. I had to know.
Shit. Why did Theresa have to so brazenly put that image in my mind? I was fine until then. Now I’d spent the entire day in a full panic attack. The test took twenty minutes. I checked the clock again and groaned that it had only been two. I couldn’t stand there and just count the minutes. I was too wired.
I sat down on the couch and turned on the television. I went to YouTube and watched some funny videos that were recommended to me on my feed. It was a good distraction. Surprisingly, the cookies were staying down ok in my stomach.
When I noticed the time was up, I took a deep breath and made my way back into the bathroom where I looked at the test.
I closed my eyes and looked again. Then I did it again. Still the result refused to change. There was no “if” anymore.
I was pregnant.
In that moment, I was overcome with grief and my entire body buckled to the floor where I curled myself into a tight ball and sobbed.
What was going to happen now?
* * *
“Are you absolutely sure?” I asked, desperation thick in my voice.
“Yes,” Doctor Wilson said. “We double checked. You are pregnant.”
I buried my face in my hands. I felt a bit faint and the nausea was worse than ever. I wasn’t sure how I kept from vomiting all over the doctor’s office, but I guess I was thankful for small miracles.
There was no denying it anymore. I was pregnant. I was going to have to tell Sam now.
“I can’t believe this,” I said.
“I take it this was not a planned pregnancy?” The doctor asked.
“No,” I replied. “Not at all. I’ve got too much going on. I can’t be a mother.”
“I understand that this is overwhelming, but you will be surprised to find that you are much stronger and more resourceful than you ever realized. Even for veteran mothers having a new child can be a frightening experience. I think it’s normal and it is ingrained with all of us. I’ve rarely seen a woman who wasn’t a little bit nervous or scared to find out she was pregnant. It is a big life change. In fact, it takes over your whole world.”
“I know,” I said. “I’m just in a bit of shock.”
“That’s understandable,” Doctor Wilson replied. “I hate to get personal, but is the father in the picture?”
The question caught me a bit off guard, mostly because he had the actual audacity to ask it. I’ve always found it strange that people think asking you to forgive them or pardon them before they ask you something potentially offensive makes it ok and no longer offensive. It doesn’t change a thing for me.
“He is,” I said. “But I’m not sure he is going to be so happy about it. Our relationship--well, the circumstances of our relationship anyway—is complicated, more than most.”
“I see,” The doctor said.
I almost laughed because he clearly did not. It might have made him speechless if I’d told him the honest truth. Yeah, doc. I’m having my cousin’s baby. How many times this month have you heard that?
“I’m going to give you som
e literature to read,” Dr. Wilson said. “I want you to take it home and read it with your partner, and also you should go online and do your own research. There is an amazing wealth of videos and articles online that can answer any question you may have.”
“OK,” I said. “I’ll do that.”
When I left the doctor’s office I felt a bit sick, and it wasn’t just from the pregnancy itself giving me morning sickness, that for some reason in my case was pretty much all the time. No, for me it was all about being deep in the grip of fear. The fear was eating away at me. What were my parents going to say? I had to tell them.
I was having the baby. There were no other options for me. Now that I knew that a beautiful person was growing inside of me, I couldn’t wait to meet them, to be their mother. I’d always wanted kids. I just never thought the father would be my own cousin or that I would have kids just a few months out of college. It was more of a five-year plan kind of deal. By then, I would have made some great strides in my career and found the man of my dreams to spend my life with. It had a formula to it.
I’d deviated about as far from that formula as possible.
And now I felt completely lost and hopeless. What in the world was Sam going to say? He would go ballistic for sure.
In fact, he might even leave me and force me to tell my family that the baby was someone else’s, a relationship of mine that just didn’t work out. That sort of thing.
As I drove home, I played all of the scenarios through my head repeatedly. It was driving me crazy. I just had to come clean and tell Sam that we were having a baby. There was no way to hide it and no way to make it go over easier.
We just had to face the music together.
Chapter Eighteen
Sam
When I entered my apartment and saw Kay sitting there in the dark on the couch, I knew that something was wrong. I’d just finished practice with the band and I’d stopped at a local bar for a few beers before I decided to head on home. I actually expected Kay to arrive later since she’d been working so hard to finish up that first big project she’d been given by her firm.
So, I was shocked to see her sitting in the darkened living room on the couch drinking a glass of chocolate milk instead of her usual glass of wine. She turned to look at me and I saw a pained, almost grief stricken look on her face. My first thought was that someone in the family had just died suddenly.
I braced myself for what Kay had to tell me.
“Hey,” I said walking over to the kitchen where I grabbed a beer from the fridge. Then I sauntered over slowly to the couch. I sat down and gave her a quick kiss.
“Hi, honey,” Kay said.
Her voice sounded soft, but concerned.
“Are you alright?” I asked.
Kay paused a moment and didn’t answer. After a few moments, she looked straight into my eyes and I could clearly see the sadness beneath her. Something terrible had definitely happened. I began to get worried. It was just the day before when I’d had the golf outing with my dad and we did almost nothing but bicker. If something had happened to him… I wasn’t sure I’d ever forgive myself for being such a jerk. I knew he’d made mistakes but he wasn’t all bad. And he was my dad.
I braced myself.
“Babe, what is wrong?” I asked.
Tears welled up in Kay’s eyes. She tried to speak, but couldn’t.
“Babe,” I said grabbing her hand in mine. “It’s alright. Just take a breath and tell me what’s wrong.”
Kay took a long breath and exhaled.
“I’m pregnant,” she said.
The room was dead silent. I let the words hang in the air, as if trying to decipher their actual meaning. What in the hell had she just said? No… no… there was no way I’d heard what I thought I heard. This was not possible.
“What did you say?” I asked slowly. Surely, I misheard her.
“I’m pregnant, Sam,” Kay said.
I instantly stood up and began to pace back and forth between the living room and the kitchen. All my life, when faced with some bad news that I can’t handle, I began to pace. It calms me down somehow.
“What do you mean, you’re pregnant?” I asked. I heard the stupidity of the question the moment it left my lips. “I mean… wow… I…”
I was speechless. I didn’t know how to answer that.
“What are we going to do?” Kay answered.
I took a moment. I had to craft the next words delicately. I knew that Kay was in a very fragile place right then and I was doing my best to be supportive while not freaking completely out. I felt intense pressure in my chest like I was having a heart attack and this huge wave of fear and guilt washing over me. I wasn’t sure why I felt guilty, but the fear was unimaginable. I was sweating profusely under my shirt. It suddenly felt like it was a million degrees in my loft.
“It’s alright,” I said. “We just need to stay calm. We will work this out. How are you feeling?”
“I’m terrified, but at the same time I’m thrilled. I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I’m going to be a mother… the shock hasn’t quite worn off yet. I feel like I’m in some weird limbo state, if that makes sense.”
It did not. I had no idea what the hell a limbo state really was, but I was trying to be the supportive boyfriend.
“Yeah,” I said.
I took a long gulp of my beer and instantly wished it was something stronger. I was going to need some actual booze soon. I could feel it.
“I’m so sorry,” Kay said. “I never meant for this to happen. We should have been more careful…”
“I thought we were? You were on birth control, right?”
“Not the first few times,” Kay said. “The first time, and then in the desert… nothing then.”
I groaned.
“Ok, well our emotions got the better of us and now we are here,” I said. “It’s fine. It happens. Don’t worry about it. We have to deal with this. We will be fine.”
“How will it be fine? Keeping us a secret is one thing, but now we have to involve our families, right?” Kay asked.
I sat back down and immediately wished I was still pacing. I felt like I was about to burst out of my skin. I was freaking out. It was like the entire world around me was coming crashing down on top of my head and I was powerless to stop it. I could just imagine how great it was going to feel to be disowned by my family. Kay’s folks might have accepted it, eventually, but I knew that my dad would straight out disown me when he found out.
But that was something I was going to have to deal with.
“I know,” I said. “But it will be fine. Even if it’s not, then so what? We are adults. We live for us. And now we will live for us and our child. We don’t care what anyone else thinks or feels. If our families can’t handle this and they want to judge us, then that is their problem. That is all on them. We can’t be responsible for the burden of how they choose to react to something.”
I was getting a bit fired up. And the more I thought about it, the idea of being a father began to grow on me. I was actually going to be someone’s dad. It was such a strange realization. It was full of hope, love, and total, almost irrational fear.
I wanted to be a dad. And I wanted to be with Kay. That was all that mattered to me in the world.
“You think so?” Kay asked.
I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her close to me. I kissed her softly and then laid my hand on her belly, where our child lived currently.
“I love you,” I said. “I know it will be fine.”
And somehow, I really did.
Chapter Nineteen
Kay
I got to work early the next day. I was feeling a bit better and so far the morning sickness hadn’t hit me yet that day, so I decided that I would get caught up on the work I’d kind of dragged on the past few days, or at least until the sickness hit me again. From what I’d heard, I still had several months of fairly consistent nausea to look forward to. Oh, what fun.
I
couldn’t believe how accepting Sam was of the news. Even though it was the next morning since we’d had that conversation about it, I was still in shock about it all. He was actually ok with it all. I even believed he was excited about the news.
We hadn’t discussed at that time when we were going to tell our families, but we both agreed that it was going to be soon. Now as far as the people at work… that was another thing. Of course none of them knew that Sam was actually my cousin and as far as I was concerned they never needed to know. I hated that I had to be somewhat closed in my life with who I was in love with, but there was still a lot of judgmental people in the world and when it came to my career there was no way I was going to risk it.
The rest of the day went really well and I only had a few nausea spells. I decided to keep the news that I really was pregnant to myself for the time being, at least until I finished the project. And so far no one had started asking too many questions and I knew that it would be quite a while before I began to show.
About a hundred times that day, I had to fight the urge to use my work computer to research stuff about pregnancy and preparing for the baby, but I knew that corporate monitored all computer activity and that word would be out in no time, not to mention I’d get reamed out for using company computers for personal purposes when I was supposed to be working.
I was just about to go to lunch when Callie called me.
“Hey,” I answered. “How’s it going?”
“Great!” She replied. “Guess who is engaged?”
“What? I didn’t even know you were dating anybody,” I said.
“I’m not,” Callie replied. “Well, I am casually dating a few great guys, but I’m not talking about me. I’m talking about April!”
“Are you kidding me? When the hell did this happen? Was April seeing anyone? I didn’t know anything about it.”
“Well, you remember Kurt? The guy she dated heavily during the freshman year?”
“Yeah. I remembered they had a nasty breakup,” I said. I was thankful to talk and think about anything other than the baby I was now carrying.