by Ford, Mia
“I agree. But she says that the experience is really beautiful when you sit back and remember it. The whole time you are bonding with your child, feeling it grow inside of you, and becoming a whole person. That is an experience that you will never get back. She said it’s so new and fresh and nerve racking because you don’t really know what to expect yet. Everything is still brand new and frightening. The thrill, that is what she misses, especially now that her kids are almost teenagers and they just don’t need her as much now. It’s a misery while it’s happening, but you do miss this later.”
I thought about what Peggy said and I understood perfectly what she was getting at. I wanted to do my best to be there for my baby and to never complain or regret any single moment of it. I was trying to enjoy the good with the bad and just appreciate it for the value of the experience. No one else was going to have this experience with my child. It would be something that would forever bond us. I wondered if my mother felt that way about me. It kind of hurt my feelings that she hardly talked to me much about the pregnancy or gave me any advice about what to expect. She and my father had been fantastic in the way they had moved on and accepted the love that Sam and I had for each other. I knew that they would love their granddaughter and they would be the best grandparents around, but deep inside, I couldn’t help wondering if every time they looked at our child if they would remember exactly where the child came from and be disappointed.
“Are you ok?” Peggy asked.
I had spaced out into my thoughts for a moment. “Yeah,” I said. “I’m just fine. I guess I’m just a bit worried about Sam.”
I was worried about Sam, but I’d lied to Peggy about my thoughts right then because she did not know about the fact that Sam and I were cousins and I wasn’t about to let that cat out of the bag. No one at work had any idea and I aimed to keep it that way. I was in no way ashamed of the love Sam and I had for one another, but at the moment, it was best to just keep the strife out of my life, especially at work. Anything like that could have adversely affected my career and I wasn’t about to let that happen.
“Really? He’s not doing well?”
I raised an eyebrow at Peggy. I felt like asking her how much time she had.
We finished shopping and decided to grab a bite next door at Red Lobster. I had a crazy seafood craving that day, which probably meant that the baby had a weird seafood craving. Well, baby needs what baby needs.
“So, what’s up with Sam?” Peggy asked after we’d ordered. I realized I had just left that hanging there and I should explain what was going on.
So I did. I told her what a tough time he was having with working a regular job, how he missed his artistic side, and that he was really just diving deeper into himself and not talking to me.
“It’s new father jitters,” Peggy said.
“Really? You think that’s all there is to it?”
“Sure, I’ve seen it a lot of times with my brothers, and my sister’s husband. It happens to the best of them. You see when a new baby is on the way that is terrifying for men because now they have to be adults. They have to grow up and they can’t afford to be total morons anymore. For a lot of them who think they are pursuing some dream or a goal, all of that goes out the window. They start to feel trapped and a bit depressed. I’ve seen men start eating like crazy, drinking heavy, and just trying to get all the irresponsibility and party boy stuff out of their systems before the kid arrives and suddenly they are someone’s dad. It’s a stressful thing for them.”
I nodded with every beat, every point she was making, and I started to feel much better. All of this described Sam to the letter. Maybe that was all that was really wrong with him? I hoped it was that simple. Maybe when the baby came and she was really here then that thing would snap free in his head to bring him to his senses and the dad part of him would take over. It sounded too simple to me, but at that moment, I was willing to believe anything. I just wanted Sam back to his old self again, but I also needed him to step up and be the man, the father that our daughter needed.
“I hope it goes that smoothly,” I said. “I just hate that I feel like I’ve destroyed his dream. It’s like I’ve taken something from him by becoming pregnant.”
“That’s how men often feel,” Peggy said. “They feel like you’ve really taken them away from who they used to be. But besides Sam’s little mid-life crisis, how is everything else going? I hear you are doing great things at work.”
“Oh, yeah,” I said. “Everything else is perfect. I couldn’t be happier there. I’m a bit bummed that I’m going to take time off for maternity leave. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be with my daughter as much as I can, but I do have a lot of work I want to get done and I don’t want to mess with the momentum, you know? I’m afraid if I take those weeks off then when I come back it will be almost like starting over.”
Peggy shook her head. “Nah, never happen. Our firm is very supportive of mothers taking all the time they need that is available to them. It’s a great environment. They are all so open-minded.”
I smiled. I was glad to hear that, but I wondered how open-minded they really would have been if anyone there ever learned the truth about Sam and me.
Our food came and we both sat there eating and making small talk. I was really enjoying myself and I was glad that I had finally made a friend like Peggy. I had someone close by to hang out with and talk to. My friends were all so far away and at the moment, they seemed to be avoiding me, no matter how much they protested such a “ridiculous” notion. In addition to that with Sam not talking much to me either and walking around in such a bad headspace, it was so comforting to have Peggy in my corner. It was like I had been given a shot of energy that I didn’t have before.
As we ate though, I still couldn’t help shaking the idea that something was really wrong with Sam and I needed to find a way to help him, to help us. I was terrified that this whole thing would drift us apart and that we might not recover. The idea of raising a baby by myself was terrifying. I was sure I could do it and probably be fine, but I loved Sam and I desperately wanted to keep that tight bond we had and raise our daughter together. I was willing to do almost anything to ensure that happened.
“Maybe I pushed Sam too hard,” I said after we’d finished the entrees and ordered desert. “I might have just pushed him too hard and not listened to how he said he was feeling.”
“You were right to push him,” Peggy said. “Besides, he is a grown man; he has to learn to grow up already. It’s the best thing for him, really. I assure you that he will come out of it. Some men just mature slower than others.”
“I’m not so sure,” I said “He is just so down. He has no energy. We haven’t made love in a long time, and we just don’t have the in-depth conversations like we used to have. I miss all of that. I want that back.”
Peggy shook her head. “Don’t let it work.”
“Don’t let what work?”
“This is a trick,” Peggy said. “That’s all it is.”
I laughed. “A trick? I don’t think Sam is quite that good of an actor.”
“He probably isn’t even aware he is doing it, but he is playing you, hoping that you will cave in and give him permission to sit on his ass all day playing video games while his woman supports him. Sam grew up a spoiled, rich kid and he is still one. Just don’t let him get to you. He will come around. Trust me.”
I laughed. Peggy always made good points. “How did you get to know so much about men?” I asked.
Peggy laughed out loud hard. “Oh, because I’ve dealt with my share of deadbeat men—not saying Sam is one, but I know the pattern—and I had to get tough. Most of them ended up breaking my heart, so then again, I might be completely wrong.”
“Wow, that sounds reliable then,” I joked.
Peggy grinned at me sarcastically. “You take it whichever way you want to take it, but trust me when I say that you will be fine.”
I wanted to believe that and by the end of our da
y together I was actually starting to. When I arrived back home just a little after six I found Sam sitting on the couch where he’d been when I left him that morning, with seven or eight cans of beer around him. He’d sat there and drank beer all day. It was not a scene I was entirely unfamiliar with seeing. And it was happening more frequently.
“Sam,” I said.
He was about half asleep and hadn’t seen me walk in. I was through being nice and tolerating this type of crap. I needed Sam to wake up and be the man I knew him capable of being. I wasn’t going to let him slip and fall farther down this rabbit hole. He had to snap out of it one way or another.
“Hey, baby,” Sam said. He wasn’t so much drunk as groggy. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and sat up to listen to me.
“You need to stop this,” I said. I tried to keep my voice as stern as possible, but inside I wanted to cry and plead with him. But that wasn’t going to get it done. I had to be tough. I was sick and tired of Sam’s pity party. It was time to snap out of it.
“Stop what?” Sam asked.
“You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. I’m sick of watching you whine like a child about your responsibilities. If you love me and you love our child, then you will snap out of it. I’m tired of you not being present, I’m tired of you getting drunk every night, and I’m tired of you constantly whining about how unhappy you are. Do you know how depressing that is to hear? It makes me feel like a piece of shit. I’m tired of it. If you need to speak with a therapist then go do it, otherwise fix what you need to fix and be a man.”
Sam sat there for several seconds looking up at me. I wasn’t sure if he was waiting for me to continue my impromptu rant, or if he just expected me to ignore him now that I’d said my piece, but I saw something flickering in his eyes. I saw something behind the pain that he felt that let me know he was still in there and that there was still hope left for him, for us.
“I’m sorry,” Sam said. “But I’m not sure anyone can help me be happy about doing what makes me miserable. It seems that you are only happy when I’m miserable. How do you think that makes me feel?”
With that Sam got up and walked towards the door.
“Sam? Where are you going?” I asked.
He didn’t answer me. He just shut the door behind him.
And I was alone.
That had gone about as horrible as I thought it might. I wanted to cry. I really felt like giving up on everything. I just wanted everything to be ok. Why couldn’t everything just be alright again? When did every single thing in my life get so complicated and how was I going to straighten them out.
For the first time since finding out I was pregnant, I felt totally alone.
And totally helpless.
I sat down on the couch and the tears soon followed.
Rivers of them.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Sam
I slid behind the wheel of my SUV and sighed heavily. The day was over and I now had a few precious hours of the evening to actually leave my boring, pathetic life. It would be good to see Kay, which was the only thing that got me through most days—knowing that she would be proud of me—but at the same time, that was the thing that made me angriest, too.
All this had started because I was infatuated with Kay. It began as an experiment, which turned into a borderline obsession, which turned into love. And the love was real and it was deep. And now, we were having a baby girl. And I loved that baby already. I loved my daughter and I wanted to make her proud. I thought of little else nowadays than holding my little girl in my arms.
And still none of that helped to dull the incessant pain of the job I was doing all day, every day.
I started up the car and drove home in a daze. I’d actually performed quite well at work that day and I was looking forward to some of the commission money that would soon roll in from the leads and from the sales I’d made. I knew I was good at what I did and that should have filled me with pride, but instead it filled me with dread because I hated what I did. It was a vicious circle and I was becoming the thing that I hated. I felt like I was becoming a corporate shill.
But Kay loved it. The way she looked at me with pride beaming from her eyes when I came home from work and didn’t complain, or when she asked me how my day was and I told her the deals I’d made—it felt amazing to see that.
But it was all such a lie. She loved who she wanted me to be. But did she actually love me? She used to. What changed? Was it as simple as being pregnant?
By the time I came home, I was in a very foul mood. I just wanted to zone out in front of the television and maybe get to sleep early, but the earlier I went to bed the faster the morning approached.
I was on my second beer and just getting into catching up on some episodes of Supernatural when Kay came home. It had been a few days since we’d had the argument the other night about me getting my shit right. I’d walked out then and gone for a ride on my bike. When I came home, Kay was asleep and I let myself doze off on the couch. I didn’t feel like going to bed. When I woke up, Kay was already gone and we’d rarely spoken since then. I knew that things were tense between us and we were headed for trouble. I sure as hell didn’t want that. I loved Kay and I wanted to be with her. I wanted to marry her, but I didn’t see how I could be a real partner with the depression that had come over me. I barely felt alive anymore. Everything I did was something I despised.
“Hey,” Kay said.
“Hey,” I replied.
She grabbed herself something from the fridge to drink and sat down at the table to drink it. I was hoping she wouldn’t say much to me. I was on the edge and I knew that the least little thing was going to set me off. I didn’t want to feel like this, but for the life of me, I didn’t see any other way. If I was going to keep living the life, I didn’t want to live then I was going to continue to feel like I was not really there. She would just have to see that.
“How was your day? Did you finally sell that Desert Ridge house?” Kay asked.
I looked over at her and a frightening amount of anger swept through me.
“I did, actually,” I said.
“Great,” Kay said. “That must have felt good.”
“Why?” I asked. “Why would that feel good?”
Kay was taken aback by my angry tone.
“Well, I just meant it must have been quite a relief. You’ve been trying to sell that house for a few weeks now.”
“I knew it would sell,” I replied. “I wasn’t worried about it. Were you worried?”
“Um…no… I wasn’t…” Kay said.
“Good. Because we wouldn’t want you to have to worry about having the cash flow to buy some more silly shirts with goofy sayings on them for the baby that will be out of that size in four months!”
Kay looked at me like she thought I was a lunatic. I felt like she might have been on to something. I couldn’t contain the rage inside of me. I was so miserable and I’d kept things under wraps for pretty long.
“What is wrong with you?” Kay asked. “I work just as hard as you do and you don’t hear me complaining.”
“No, but you are doing what you want to do. You are doing what you’ve always wanted to do. I guarantee if someone was forcing you to be miserable then you would not be too happy about it.”
“Sam, you are acting crazy and immature,” Kay said. “Would you listen to yourself? You are basically complaining about being an adult.”
“Really? No. I’m complaining about doing things according to other people’s rules. I am an artist. I’m not a salesman. I’m an artist. And when I don’t get to do what I was put on this earth to do then it has a detrimental effect on my entire being. I don’t expect you to get any of that, but I’m trying to tell you how awful I feel.”
“Babe, I’m worried about you. Please… we need to get you some help.”
“I don’t need any help,” I said. “I will work this out on my own time. I just have to figure out a way to continue living for ot
her people. That’s essentially what I’m going to be doing now, right? I’m going to be living for other people. How the hell is that alright?”
I felt crazed, on the hinge of madness. What the hell was going on with me? I just didn’t know who I was, what I wanted, or where I was going in my life. I was taking all of this anger and frustration out on my beautiful angel, my Kay, and our unborn daughter. What was wrong with me? This wasn’t who I wanted to be. I didn’t recognize myself anymore, but I just felt so full of nothingness now.
“Babe,” Kay said. “Calm down. We can talk about this. I’m sure that you can find something else you like better. Even if it’s less money we can get by.”
I shook my head. I wanted to continue yelling at Kay, but what good would it have done?
I stormed out of the apartment. I had to get out of there before I said something even worse. I was about to tell Kay that I was sorry that I’d ever fallen in love with her. I was really going to say that. At that moment of anger, I felt it and I meant it, but of course I didn’t really mean it. I loved her more than I could ever love myself. I would never have forgiven myself if I said something like that to her. No matter how hard you tried or apologized, you could never take something like that back.
I hopped on my bike and took off down the road. This was the only thing that cleared my head when I felt like I was about to explode. I couldn’t explain it, but it was truly the only thing that made me feel alive sometimes. I could just get out of town and roll around on those lonely desert roads thinking about the endless possibilities of where I could go and start over.
I cursed myself every time I thought of it, but what if I did start over? What if I just chucked it all and rode until I found somewhere unassuming to just start over. I could forge a new name and identity. I could just forget about it all. How nice would that be?
I instantly felt guilty and worthless every time this thought crossed my head. There was no way I could leave Kay or our daughter. I loved them both too much. As I drove away from town just enjoying the warm air on my face the more I regretted every stupid thing I’d said earlier. Kay was right and I did need to speak to somebody. Maybe there was some other underlying issue that I hadn’t addressed that would come up in therapy?