by Jerry Boyd
“Tactical instruction from Dingolus Slongum? Wouldn’t miss it.”
Tina and the trainees came out of the house. “Have a safe trip.”
Tina said, “I hope so. Thanks again, Bob. You saved our bacon.”
Private Crang spoke up. “Sir, they tell me I probably would have died if not for your rescue. I am in your debt.”
She handed me a piece of paper with her comm code. “If you ever need anything, call.”
“I need you to show up with these two, a week from tomorrow, for paintball.”
She looked confused. Tina said, “You have been honored, Private. I will see that she is here, Bob.”
“Thanks. Please just call for a parking spot, next time? No need to be dramatic.”
Tina looked at me. “Now I see why they call you asshole.”
They headed out to the barn. When they opened the doors, I heard ‘Proud Mary’. Never have to worry about a sound track, as long as the boys are around. Greg asked, “What did you mean, fly safe?”
I had forgotten he was there, and shot off my mouth. “Your Mom explained why you can’t talk about how you got better, didn’t she?”
“Yes.”
“This is another thing like that. I shouldn’t have said that in front of you, and given you more to keep secret.”
“It’s okay, Bob, oops, I mean Uncle Bob. You’re trying to do the best you can for everybody. Even a little kid like me can see that. You can’t be perfect, at least that’s what Mom says.”
“Your Mom is pretty smart.”
Greg and I headed in. Snitz went back to the barn. He passed the door, and I heard ‘Runnin’ With the Pack’.
Greg asked, “Where is that music coming from?”
“That’s a question for another day, young man. Right now, we need to see to your education.”
Jane heard that. “Oh my goodness, I’m afraid to ask. What do you consider educational, Bob?”
“Smokey and the Bandit is a good place to start.”
Dee chimed in. “Sideways 101. Yes, indeed, that is a good place to start. What, the Dukes next, and work up to Gator McKlusky?”
“Well, we can’t forget the modern stuff. Taxi Brooklyn has to be in there somewhere.”
“That show was a breath of fresh air, wasn’t it?”
I sang out, “Johnny Boy, popcorn is in order!”
Watching a good movie was better than sitting around waiting for it to get dark in the Mojave. I don’t think Jane ever came around to Dee’s and my idea of educational TV, but Dingus seemed to be sold. Even Max was enjoying himself. All too soon, the movie ended, and it was time to be responsible again. Jane and Greg said their goodnights and headed home. I asked Dee, “Can you take care of Snitz till we get back?”
“Sure. He’s a good dog. Where is he, anyway?”
“He’s with the boys in the barn. Lord knows what they’ve got up to.”
John came up. “I’d like to go with you, Bob, but I need to stay here in case one of the ‘docs needs adjusting. If that fella has hung in this long, he ought to be able to make it back here.”
“We’ll do our best not to disturb him. You can figure out how to wake him up when we have him home safe.”
My comm rang. “Bob Wilson, how can I help you?”
“Bob, it’s Lyla. Can you open the barn?”
“Why don’t you come to John’s? We’re about to go get that saucer.”
“Why don’t I then? Can you open his barn?”
“On my way.”
I opened the barn. Snitz and the boys were playing Frisbee. I shouted, “Incoming!” Taz grabbed Snitz, and they all got out of the way. Lyla put down, and came on out. “Hi, Bob. How are you?”
“Doing okay, I suppose. Can’t wait for Nikki to get back.”
“How long will she be?”
“They should be at the base about now. She’s got Ozzie’s hot rod to come back in, so I would guess Monday afternoon sometime, unless she gets held up doing paperwork.”
The others came into the barn. Dee came over and gave Lyla a big hug. “Welcome back.”
“Good to be here, Dee.”
Dee got Snitz and headed outside. The rest of us climbed aboard. Topper thought ‘Come Sail Away” was right for this occasion. When we got back to the cave, Max flew a few circles around to make sure we had no company. He sat down just in front of the cave. I started for the cab of the 6X6, but Topper asked, “May I, Boss?”
“Go ahead, Topper.”
He climbed in the cab. Taz sat on the back of the bed, scanning his head back and forth. Topper started the truck, and began backing it into the cave. The bats were already out hunting, or we would have been at ground zero of a guano storm. Once he was under cover, Topper turned on the lightbar they had mounted on the back of the cab for a worklight. All I could really see around the truck was a truly monumental pile of guano. I had to assume the saucer we were after was under there somewhere. I asked Dingus, “Is there any way to do that trick you did with pond mud from out here? I really don’t want to have to clear that by hand.”
“I’m trying, but none of my override codes work. Your wife could probably crack it, if she were here.”
I whipped out my comm. “Space Cadet, how are you doing? I miss you something awful.”
“I’m doing fine, Caveman, we just got through turning in those prisoners. I was about to jump in Ozzie’s hot rod and head home. Something tells me you didn’t just call to say hi. What do you need, Caveman?”
“Mostly, I need you home, but right now, we’re trying to access systems on a saucer that’s locked. Anything you can do from there?”
“Let me get aboard, where I have a little more computer power.”
I heard a lot of bumps and thumps, a few whispered cusses, and then she said, “Can you hook your comm in your ship’s computer?”
Ozzie said, “Let me, Boss.”
I handed him the comm, and he tied it in to the ship. “Hooked up now, Space Cadet.”
“Tell Ozzie I said thanks.”
I saw an awful lot of stuff go by on the computer screen, but I wouldn’t want to guess what any of it meant. Nikki said, “Good grief, Caveman! This system is older than Grandpa’s. Where did you find it?”
“Your Dad found it while he was killing time waiting on me and your Grandpa. It’s hidden in a cave. More guano than saucer. We’d like to run that cleaning program, so we don’t have to shovel it off by hand.”
“We played on one of these at school, never thought I’d see one in the wild. Where’s my old hack, I know it’s on here someplace, there it is.” She ran a program, and the guano started falling. Taz got splashed pretty thoroughly. He said, “Thanks for the warning, Boss.”
I replied, “Oops!”
Ozzie grabbed the big grav pallet and headed out to help Taz and Topper. I went to the truck and tipped the bed. Then I started letting out winch cable. I told Nikki, “Thanks, Space Cadet. You just saved us a long night of nasty work.”
“I left the access cracked, so Dingus should be able to get it to do whatever you need. I need to get flying. See you in a couple of days. Love you, Caveman!”
“Love you too, Space Cadet. Hurry home.”
Odie came running out. Topper had found time to do his logo, just like the dog from Garfield. He grabbed the pallet and shoved it under, when the boys lifted the saucer. He ran under to flip the switch to hold the saucer to the pallet. Then he hooked up the winch cable. I began pulling it up the ramp, slowly. The boys were balancing it, so that rough spots in the floor didn’t tip it over. Once we got it up the ramp, I tipped it down, ready to drive into the freighter. I asked Dingus, “Could you please scan that saucer for tracers, before we take it out of here? Also, could you make sure there’s not any more Galactic tech stashed in this cave.”
“I always think you’re paranoid, Bob. Then you’re right. I’m sending the location of the tracker to the boys. They’ll have it’s teeth pulled in nothing flat. I’ve got the small b
ots after the odds and ends. Looks like our friend lived here for a long time before he gave up on going home.”
Topper said, “Got it, Boss. Nasty little fellow was hooked into main power. That’s how it was still transmitting after all this time.”
“Good work. Get it aboard please.”
Topper drove the truck back onto the freighter. The smaller bots finished up their collecting. I said, “Let’s get out of here.”
We loaded up and Max took off. I could tell the drive emitters weren’t working as hard as I would have expected. I went forward to find out what was going on. I asked, “What’s up, Max?”
“That tracker must have gotten a little signal out before you got it shut off. Your Air Force is looking for us. I’m staying low and slow till we’re out of the search area.”
“Can you please check again to make sure there are no other signals coming from that saucer?”
He worked with a few controls. “I can’t find anything, Bob. I think we’ll be okay, once we’re clear of their search pattern.” We piddled along, just above the ground until they gave up and returned to base. Once he had a clear scan, Max took us back to John’s. I commed John. “Can somebody open the barn? We’re headed in. Might want to keep Snitz inside.”
“Okay Bob, I’ll open up.”
I hit the intercomm. “Max, could you put down in front of the barn, so we can run this truck off and put the saucer back out of the way?”
“On it, Bob.”
Topper drove the truck to where the saucer needed to sit. I helped unload the saucer, as did Odie. John came up and asked, “Have you seen inside yet?”
“Nope.”
I looked around and found Dingus. “Hey Dingus, can you pop the door, so John can tell what he’s up against?”
I brought the bed down, and wound the winch in. Topper asked, “Where should I leave the truck, Boss?”
“In front of the house for right now.”
He pulled out, and Max came in and shut down. He and Lyla came out of the ship. Dingus got the door open. He and John cautiously went aboard. Lyla followed. They were gone a little bit, and I was beginning to get concerned. John came out and said, “I’ll need an autodoc, a power core to run it, and enough cable to hook it all up. I turned to Ozzie. “Does that saucer you had to take off flight status have a good autodoc and power core?”
“It does, Boss.”
“All you guys go get on the transporter, and have Topper drive you home. Grab those parts, and all the cable we’ll need to power it from outside the craft. Use your best camo, just in case.”
“On it, Boss.”
I went over to John. “How does it look?”
“I need to go study. Can you help?”
“No problem.”
“It’s a dedicated suspension chamber. They don’t use them anymore, since the ‘docs have suspension capabilities. They’re altogether different than what we’ve worked with before. She’s still alive, but I need to move her straight from the chamber she’s in to a preprogrammed autodoc, Any delay could be fatal. That’s why I want the ‘doc onboard her craft, so I can pick her up, turn, and lay her down again. I need training to know what to program the autodoc for.”
I got him going with the training program. I heard the transporter pull up, so I went out to tell the boys what John needed them to do. They got the ‘doc aboard, and placed as conveniently as it could be. They set up the power core just outside the door, and ran the cables out of the way. The ‘doc ran a good self-check, so I figured their work was done. “Good job. Topper, do you mind taking the transporter back to the shop?”
“No, Boss.”
I had to wonder what someone would think, if they saw a custom car transporter, with a load of various animals, being driven by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Even worse, Topper was singing ‘Gear Jammer’ in a perfect Schwarzenegger voice. I decided it was late Saturday night, anybody who saw them would either be drunk, or assume it was a drunken prank. John walked over and said, “I think you need to go over that teaching machine again. I’m having hallucinations.”
“Arnold, driving a truck?”
“That’s the one.”
“Not a hallucination. Topper needs a Youtube channel.”
“Crap! I thought I had an excuse not to try this crazy procedure.”
“Nope. You’re up, Doc.”
At the saucer, Dingus asked, “What do you need us to do, John?”
“Let me get the ‘doc programmed, and then we’ll go over what we’re going to do.”
Once he had the ‘doc ready, John gave us our assignments. “Lyla, you can stand right there and record. Please don’t move. Dingus, stand right here, and push this off button when I tell you to. That should cause the lid to come open. If it doesn’t, grab this handle and pull. I will grab the patient, turn, and put her in the autodoc. Once my arms are clear, Bob, you close the lid and hit this start button. All clear?”
We said, pretty much in unison, “Yes, Sir.”
He looked at our positions one more time, and said, “Go!”
Dingus shut down the unit. Sure enough, he had to use the manual release. Once the lid was up, John scooped the lady up and twirled. He laid her in the autodoc and jumped back. I slammed it and hit start. I asked, “Do you think we were fast enough?”
John replied, “I don’t see how we could have been faster. It’ll have to be good enough.”
Dingus spoke up. “It was a fine job, John. You did all anyone could of. Now we just need to see how it turns out.”
John looked at the autodoc’s readouts. It looks like the machine can bring her back, but it won’t even try to give a time estimate yet. I’ve got it set to comm me if anything bad happens. I’m gonna try to get some sleep.”
I said, “Goodnight, Doc.”
John smiled and left. I asked Lyla, “You headed over to our place?”
“I thought I would.”
I gave her the comm code to open the barn.
“When did you do that?”
“I didn’t. Dingus set it up the other day.”
Dee’s Chevelle was gone. Max was on the porch. He said, “She took Snitz with her. See you later.” He turned and went in. Dingus jumped on his new bike and headed out. I drove Nikki’s Yukon home. Snitz came out to meet me. We had to make sure his yard was all in order, before we could go in and go to bed.
Regardless of how big a day we had, sunrise meant the yard needed checking. I didn’t start coffee, thought I might try to get back to sleep when we got back. Dee had some going when we got back to the house. I gave up and sat down. Dee said, “I went by to look at that place I bought. It’s gonna need a little work.”
“We’ll sic Jim and the boys on it. Be right as rain in nothing flat.”
“Stuff just doesn’t bother you, does it?”
“We’ve got the tools. No use letting them sit and rust.”
“You didn’t spill the beans about Space Ranger’s present, did you?”
“I didn’t have any beans to spill. You never said what it was.”
“You didn’t say I got him something, then?”
“Between two tons of guano, and a nearly dead lady, it just didn’t come up.”
“Thanks.”
Dingus came wandering out, hair still wet. “I washed up before I went to bed, and again this morning, and I still smell guano.”
I got up and had a shower. When I got back, the coffee was done, and breakfast was close. I asked, “What’s on the agenda for today?”
Dingus replied, “I’ve got to see a bot about a horse.”
Dee said, “Do you think you could get your crew started on the house today, Bob?”
“I don’t know of anything they have planned. They like working with Jim. I just hope you don’t have any grenades.”
“Grenades! Did you fail to mention something, Space Ranger?”
Dingus replied, “Well, Sweetheart, Bob and the bots handled it all so smooth, I guess it just slipped my mind.”
“Bob Wilson, you are a bad influence! See the kind of crap you’ve got him spouting?”
“Come on, Dee, we didn’t even have to sacrifice a bot. It all came out okay, except for those three or four gray hairs I noticed.”
“So where was this grenade?”
“In the old chimney, in our bedroom.”
“Why?”
“Somebody had left a stash down in the bottom of it. The grenade was a booby trap.”
“I always hated that phrase. Reminds me of wringer washers. What was worth all that trouble?”
“A bag of gold coins, a wad of cash, some papers, and several guns.”
Dingus said, “Don’t get excited, Sweetie. They all need a bunch of TLC before they’re fit to shoot.”
She replied, “Now you gave him a hobby? What am I going to do with you, Bob Wilson?”
“I dunno.”
We ate, and when the dishes were taken care of, we wandered down to see Dingus’ new ‘horse’.
I noticed Dee had parked down by the shop when she got in last night. The boys heard us coming and raised the door. This bike was painted as an Appaloosa. The back fender was spotted, the main part was dark brown, and the front fender had a speckled stripe down the middle. Of course the eyes and nose were perfect. Dingus said, “Meet Dot. She was a mare I kept for hunting and such. She wasn’t as high strung as Sunshine.”
I said, “She’s beautiful. Topper, you amaze me every time!”
Dee snuck off to her car. She popped the trunk and brought back a large package, wrapped.
Dingus asked, “What’s this, D-lightful?”
“Just a little something I got you to go with your new horse.”
He unwrapped it. Inside the box was a beautifully tooled leather rifle sheath. Down the side was tooled ‘Dingus’.
The pollen was bad that day. I could see Dingus’ eyes watering. He said, “Thank you, Dee. It’s wonderful.”
He kissed her. She said, “Enough of that, go get me some rabbits, I’m making stew for supper.”
Dingus rode to the house to get his guns. I got the feeling I was missing something. I looked around slowly. The old car hauler had a flatbed on it now. I pointed at it, and asked, “Hey Topper, when did you guys get around to that?”